Continuing forward in my wellbeing journey

(Content Warning: mental health, emotional abuse, dealing with my childhood trauma.)

This post continues on from my previous posts, which I have included at the end of this post for you, should you have missed them. For those that are new to my blog, you may find reading them first is the best, before reading this one.

I have taken a little while since my last post, to progress to this next step. It’s not because I have been avoiding it, instead it is because I needed to find the right time to sit down and do this, knowing I would not rush the process, or be disturbed.  There were two things I needed to do, to continue with my wellbeing journey:

  • re-read the letter I wrote to Dad
  • write a letter to my dog, Brin.

Letter to Dad

I chose to read the letter to Dad first, as I knew this would be the last time I needed to read this. The last time I read it, I was still at counselling and I found it wasn’t painful as before while reading it. It was like I was dis-connected, as though I was reading someone else’s letter. It was only when I got to the part about Brin, which brought up my guilt feelings I have, that it hurt. (Reading this letter was the same again for that part.) But because the letter was to do with the feelings I had about my Dad and now these don’t hurt as they did, I feel it is now time to dispose of this letter. At some point soon, I will burn that letter and when I do, it will be to signify of finally letting go of the hurt I have felt and be free.

Letter to Brin

The guilt that I need to let go of, regarding my dog, Brin, is where my next part starts. I have written a letter to Brin, as advised by my counsellor, because writing seems to help with the process, like the letter to Dad did.
      This letter reveals my love, my remembrance and releasing this guilt that I have, that I should not feel. This letter is also saying goodbye to Brin, something I never got the chance to do as a child.
      I am slowly letting go of the guilt, but it is not gone completely, so I will have to re-read this letter once or twice more, before I can finally let go of it and the feelings with it. When the time comes, I will burn the letter, which will signify the release of my pain I feel and letting go of the guilt that I need to accept is not mine to feel. My Dad is at fault for this, I know, but I still have to tell myself over and over again, that as a child and what happened, I had no control over and it was not my fault. Once I know I can accept this, then this will be when I burn the letter. After that, I will decorate a pebble with Brin’s name on and go back to where I used to take him for a walk. I will throw the pebble into a stream, followed by a flower. This will be me saying goodbye.

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