My escape from the world, as a child.

(Content Warning: childhood bullying and mental health.)

From issues I had at home, as well as at school, I would let my imagination run a way with me. When  I was at junior school (and maybe before,) I remember being mostly in my bedroom. I would be playing with my dolls, creating stories with them. I also was a bit of a tomboy as a child, as I loved playing with cars and I did not mind getting dirty. Not that there were many times that I got dirty as a kid, until my dog, Brin came along.
Brin was my next escape from the world. I loved taking him for long walks and brushing him. When it was the school holidays, I’d be out three times a day with him and when I was a bit older, Dad allowed me to take him a walk further, as long as that when I came back round from this circular walk, I popped into the house to tell him I was back, before playing with the dog back on the field.
My other escape from the world, was when ‘Beauty and The Beast’ came on TV, starring Ron Perlman, Roy Dotrice and Linda Hamilton. Oh, how I longed to live in a world like that, where people cared for one another and giving each other respect. A place where to feel safe and where there was no hate or bullying. I never missed an episode. I would imagine living in a place like that.

When I was at comprehensive school, this was where I received bullying, which was mostly all verbal. The only timed I was pushed, was when I was in the first year. This bully tried to do the same thing each week in the changing rooms. I did not react. Eventually she became a friend and I remember a moment we mucked about in the dining hall. I never seen her after that.
I remember first day at comprehensive school of already being pushed aside. No one wanting to know me in my class. The person who sat next to me, who I thought was a friend, got called over to another table. There she sat the whole time with them. They just stared and never invited me over. Not that there was any room anyway.

I hated comprehensive, as I had no escape from the verbal bullying there. I already did not have any confidence and this was all a further knock down, that I felt I could not grow. If I had not been scared of Dad, I would have skived off school.

I would be called ‘gingernut,’ ‘fisher price’ and asked ‘very personal questions.’

When I was 13, I was asked a certain personal question. I remember speaking back for the first time, asking to tell me there’s and maybe I will share. (Not that I would have.) That person did not reply. I could see she did not want to answer and I let her know that. I said until you can answer a very personal question like that yourself in front of your friends, don’t bother asking me.
Another time I kept someone quiet, was when I was sick of hearing fisher price. I turned round and said, should I be offended by that? because it is a very well-known brand. Something you may use when you’re an adult one day and have a child yourself. Also, you never know, somewhere down the line there might be a distant relative of mine that created the Fisher Price brand. They did not like that response and I could not have cared, but it shut em up.

The verbal bullying stopped altogether, when Dad died. How I wanted to scream at the world when I was back at school observing this. I was like thinking, don’t stop now, I’ve had it all my life through comprehensive school!

Is it any wonder with what I had at home and this, that as an adult I have been so hard on myself! Easily criticizing myself, pulling myself down, calling myself! This is also something I have been working to do less of, since last year.