Learning more about myself

As you know from my blog posts so far, I have talked about my difficult childhood, that affected how I was today.
Counselling I had before Christmas and for a short time in the New Year has really brought me a long way, than any other counselling I have had before. This was because they got me to delve more into my childhood, when I started talking about it, by asking questions. Some questions I had to really think about, before I could answer.
The tools the counsellors gave me, along with my own self-learning along the way, I have felt calmer than I have ever been.

You will know in past posts that I have shadowed physiotherapists and this year a healthcare assistant, as I decide my new career path.

I plan next to have experience in the mental health, to see if this could be a route I’d like to take.
I found out recently though, that I would not be able to shadow healthcare assistants, because of confidentiality, etc… (I did expect this, so it came to no surprise.) But they were able to give me further details and they forwarded on my details with my permission to the appropriate person for volunteering in mental health. I see this person in just over a couple of weeks time, to discuss volunteering opportunities.

Thought about this career for some time, but …

I have thought about this role for some time, especially the past year, but I always kept putting it off, because of a fear inside me. But the past month, I have felt more strongly about it, especially after how well I did my first piece of course work I’m doing.

I put this off because of my childhood past; the emotions I felt with my Mum at that time. I wondered if I would get unexpected flashbacks and if so, how would I react, especially if things came back that I’d forgotten.
Also, remembering the stuff my Mum used to talk about. As a child, I could not get my head around it, along with other things going on and so I did not cope very well. I would block it out and be in my own world, so I could block the pain I was feeling. I had no one to talk to as a child, regarding this, other than when I opened up to Dad.

I knew that if I decided that this role was right for me, then I needed to return to this part of my childhood, so I could face it and talk about it with my Mum, if she was happy to do that. But not to discuss how it affected me, but to listen to her experience and anything else. That way, I felt if I could get past this, then I felt I would get past anything.

Facing my childhood past

Recently, but not planned, I got to listen to that kind of talk I could not handle before. The conversation started off after I was mentioning to my Mum about volunteering in mental health. The conversation seemed to naturally go from there. My Mum talked and I just listened and I surprised myself. All the fears I had before, that I was concerned about was not there. All the stuff that started coming out that I could not cope as a youngster through to my early 20’s, I found I did not bat an eyelid and I did not feel the pain I had as a child.  I did not feel uncomfortable. I learnt something new about myself, finding I now can cope with this.
My Mum was happy to carry on speaking about this and I encouraged her to talk more about it.

Passion

From the moment I started my mental health course, I knew the passion was there. When I received results of my first piece, finding I had done better than I thought, I felt even more passion and this possible job route seemed right for me.

Now I have my childhood past and learnt that everything is ok after all, I feel more reassured that when it comes to volunteering in this area, I know I will be ok and to enjoy the new experience of learning I will get from it.

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