Did you have anyone to look up to, as a child?

I did not have any one to look up to as a child. Did you?

As you know, my childhood was not great by how my father behaved and I grew up only knowing mental illness, because of my mum having it.

To look up to, I mean I did not have anyone who I knew who inspired me, or who said I can do this. I don’t really remember receiving any praise and when I did receive something, it was always negativity.

The only time I remember my dad encouraging me as a child, was when he suggested, if I wanted, to make notes of what I learn from wildlife programmes we just to watch. I could then write it up in neat and he would buy me a hardback book to put it in. I loved the idea and so I did do this, writing what I had learnt. Rest of the time with may dad was when he would mouth off. More so when he had his drink.

If I wasn’t well, he would say I was putting it on. My mum knowing different would take me to the doctors and find out I was not well as her gut instinct told her. Why my dad would think I would make up being ill I do not know, but those of you who knew my dad personally, would know I would not dare to pretend to be ill with my dad.

My mum was not a confident person and so as well as struggling to show her love to me, (but I knew she loved me,) I have never known her to say you can do this, or well done. When I was shown as a child to do joined up handwriting, after asking my mum to teach me, I remember being taught and enjoying it, but not there was no well done, that’s good, or an encouragement tone of some kind. My mum was one for bottling things up, something at one time I used to do, until my 20’s.

I remember at school the only praise I got was an art teacher who said if I keep this up, I should get a C, in my exam grade. The rest of the time was a fight through comprehensive school, because my memories are negative ones, due to being bullied. They were the years I felt alone.

Is it any wonder I struggle to keep positive with myself, have that ‘can-do’ attitude, or stop calling myself !

Fighting to keep my confidence gained and to increase my self-esteem, I have done myself, throughout adulthood. So this is a self-learning experience for me. But I am also in a right group of people, whether near or far, where I am meeting motivated and inspiring people and some of those people have been encouraging me, with a ‘can-do’ attitude and tips, in different learning journeys I am experiencing. 😊

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7 thoughts on “Did you have anyone to look up to, as a child?

  1. I cant say that I had anyone that I looked up to myself. My parents were both abusive and school for me was torture. I was also bullied so I for the most part had a no win situation growing up. Now wanting to be home due to the abuse and not wanting to go to school due to more abuse.

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    1. Thank you for sharing. It is really tough and tougher for you, when it comes to trying to do the best for ourselves.
      I could not wait to leave comprehensive school. It certainly was not my best time of my life and it makes it harder to try new things. But I always try to do something new. Getting up and going on with our days, people just don’t know the difficulties it takes to do that. I hope you are finding ways, even if it is small steps in your day, to do what you want to do. x

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    1. Thank you. Yes, since before last Christmas, thanks to my counsellor encouraging me to talk about my childhood more, where others didn’t, she identified that it was my childhood and I could see also too. Since this was identified, it meant I could work on the issues I had and how I reacted to them and I was able to keep track on my my behaviour in the present, while working on letting past issues go as well as talking about them further. It has helped so much and yes it was painful.

      I have had the odd slip up, with how I treat myself, but I know about it and so I can be aware and try not to do it agan next time. I am better with how I treat myself or react to things now, than I have been. I still have my odd lows too.

      I accepted recently that I will never be the 100% me, but I have been better than I have ever been in my lifetime, although still a battle.
      Growing up and knowing personally about mental illness, that it never goes away and you have good and bad days, that some may find it surprising that I actually personally felt mine would go away. I am surprised I had this attitude too. Something I have not revealed until now. I have accepted that this is not the case for me and it is just good days, with the bad like anyone else.

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  2. Hi Liz. I’m sorry you didn’t have anyone to look up to as a child. I had my grandmother, but I didn’t see her very often as she lived in another city. She would encourage me, and I never doubted her love for me. At home I was the invisible child and experienced different forms of abuse, so whenever I could see my grandmother I would relish the moments. I never told her about what was happening at home though. We never shared deep feelings and thoughts with one another. But she was still my angel.

    I’m glad you’re on your healing journey and building up your confidence and self esteem. 🙂

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    1. Thank you for your comment, Rayne. Childhood was difficult for me. When people hear about it, they wonder how I got through it. I just did. I can never say how I did, as I just don’t have an answer, other than the one my therapist said and that’s, “I am a survivor.” I never felt like I fit in towards in the end of junior school and all throughout comprehensive.
      When I reached comprehensive, those were the years I found incredibly tough. An outsider who was made to feel I did not belong, that something was wrong with me and sometimes invisible.

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