Anxiety

Anxiety has been creeping in a little. More so recently. As usual, I hide it well to people, but I do not do that deliberately and I am surprised to hear I hide it well still.
A couple of scenarios happened. One at home, which I did not want to do, but I had to nip it in the bud. Although I was rightly to be annoyed and to complain about this, my anxiety rose because of the worry doing it. I complained directly with appropriate people, via a letter. Thankfully, this was acted on by them appropriately and I am thankful for this, because the last thing I wanted to do was to take my complaint further.
Later, the same day, my anxiety rose as it was getting nearer to go to work. But all was good in the end and eventually, my anxiety lessened.

As I write this post though, I feel a little anxiety. I don’t know why. I feel a little tearful too, which I am trying to ignore. Hopefully tomorrow, will be better.

Related posts:

I hide it well – Anxiety

Letter to my anxiety

I have been tagged

I have been tagged and there are two tags for me, which I have written both of them into this one post. I was tagged by Tina, from ‘Invisible Illness,’ for both challenges. Thank you Tina. See Tina’s post for these challenges.

Here I go with the first one, which is an A to Z challenge, which has not been made clear exactly as you play this. I googled it, but there are many different A to Z challenges, so I will try to base it on myself.

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A – absorbed
B – busy
C – caring
D – delicate
E – eager
F – faithful
G – good
H – healthy
I – independent
J – joking
K – kind
L – lonesome
M – mate
N – nervy
O – observing
P – passionate
Q – quiet
R – realistic
S – sensitive
T – trust
U – unique
V – I can’t think of one
W – watchful
X – can’t think of one
Y – youthful
Z – zippy

The other challenge is 2016/2017 TAG, created by David.

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1. Describe your 2016 in 3 words
Hard
Positives
Sad

2. Write the name of 2 people who have characterized your 2016.
It’s not one I like to narrow down, as there have been many. So I cannot answer this one.

3. Write the most beautiful place you’ve visited in 2016 and why you liked it so much.
Kew Gardens. I loved everything about this place and found it relaxing. A place I will definitely re-visit.

4. Write the most delicious food you’ve tasted in 2016.
This yummy pie.

5. Write the event which has marked you more of this in 2016?
The positive effects from my mental health course I started on and which I am not far off from finishing. I have received ‘High Merit,’so far, for my lessons done.

6. Write the finest purchase you’ve made in this 2016, and if you want to link a photo.
Nothing to share on this one.

7. Write 3 good intentions for this 2017.
To finish off my course mentioned in previous question.
To take driving lessons.
To enjoy my new experiences, hopefully, through one of my volunteer roles.

8. Write 1 place you want to visit in 2017.
I would have liked to have visited Brighton again, for 5 days, but I shall have to give it a miss, if I plan to learn to drive this year. But, I do have two weekend holidays booked. I will mention more about them, in separate posts of their own.

9. Write 1 plate/food you want to eat in 2017.
There is nothing that comes to mind, than to just make my pizza again, for a second time.

Rules:
1. Mention Creator of 2016/2017 tag
2. Use the image in the article
3. Mention blogger(s) who have chosen you
4. Answer the questions
5. Tag 9 other bloggers & let them know

I tag…

If you are reading this post, then I tag you for both of these challenges. I do hope you will join in, as it is fun. If you do, then do link back to this post, so I can come and visit your blog post and read yours.

If you don’t have a blog, then please feel free to leave yours in the comments.

Book review: “Mindfulness for everyday living,” by Christopher Titmuss.

This is a guide as the title says, mindfulness for everyday living. By focusing on the present, we can teach ourselves to appreciate what is going on around us. To become happier and calmer, without the constant anxiety caused by worrying about the past or the future. By practising the Buddhist art of mindfulness, we can experience life on a different level.
This book brings an introduction to the basic principles of mindfulness and the benefits it can bring. There are exercises to try throughout the book, that can be used in your daily life and helpful advice on dealing with emotional issues, arguments and relationships.

The first time you read this book I suggest you read it all, then go back to where you feel it is useful for you. It is certainly a book that you can refer back to, because mindfulness is something that has to be worked on. It is not something that you can easily pick up on in a week.
Now I have read the book throughout, I will certainly go back and read parts of it that are helpful for me.

Contents of this book:

  • Preface
  • Introduction
  • Mindfulness of Energy
  • Mindfulness of Activities
  • Mindfulness of Inner Life
  • Mindfulness of Five Precepts, Seven Ways for Inner Change
  • Mindfulness of Spiritual Experiences

For those that already have some experience of mindfulness in some way, you will be familiar with some of the things it talks about in the book, like relaxation breathing exercises. There is still something to learn though, from this book and I learnt a lot. It is a book that will remain on my bookshelf, to keep referring back to.

If you hear something…

I love this quote I came across recently, which is so true. But, unfortunately, I have witnessed this many times and people have tried to drag me into something that they have heard, but not heard from original source. They wonder why I don’t care because I am not going to react to something I have not heard directly from the original source myself, or because I react sharply because I am sick of hearing something that has not proof behind it, so I tell them to shut up. It can cause so much unnecessary trouble and stress, if it turns out not to be true.

The one that stood back

When I was in Youth Training, (Y.T.) because of my lack of confidence, I’d be the one that stood back. I would be quiet and observing people, while doing whatever work.

The Y.T. scheme I was on, was care work with elderly and children and one of the days at our Y.T. base, we had a Luncheon Club for the elderly. The meals were ready-made and delivered to us, but we made up the gravy and custard. Prior to them arriving, we would cover the tables with a tablecloth, set up the table with appropriate cutlery, cups and, glasses, with a dried flower arrangement made by us in the middle.
The ladies and gents there would chat to one another and also with us and we would put some sort of entertainment on in the afternoon, like bingo for example.

A lovely elderly lady singled me out and got me to come up to her. We got talking and became friends and she was inviting me to her flat, where I would call by a few times a week. Later, I would help her out with a few things like cleaning. I even cooked for her once, not because she required this, but because I wanted to treat her.
The cleaning side of things, she wanted to pay, but I would not accept as i was happy to help. I known her a few years before she passed away and I was friends with her family who made me feel very welcomed. They called round when she passed away, to let me know of her death, but to also bring a few personal things of hers that they did not want and that I could keep if wanted.

Anyway, even after the Y.T. days, I still remained quiet and observing when meeting new people, for years after that. But when did I stop this? I only thought about this when I seen purple butterfly’s post called, “Quiet and Observing.

Although I imagined I stopped doing this because of my confidence improving than my younger years, or because at times I am in my comfort zone, it has reminded me that I think I will get back to being quiet and observing. By no means will his mean my confidence will be taking a step back, but being quiet and observing, you never know what I may discover or learn.

Unseen

(Content warning: childhood trauma, bullying, abuse and rape.)

Behind closed doors, it was unseen to the extent what was happening in my childhood. How it all affected me and how it affected my mum.

People knew what my dad was, like they thought. But they did not know exactly what he was like.
Until the last few months recently, while chatting about it with family members, they also did not know what he was fully like as they thought.

“If I’ll have known,” they said.

What would they have done?

At school I am bullied for my hair colour, for being quiet, and for what I wear. I chose a school where uniform was a must, to be like everyone else I thought. Yet, I was still made to feel different.

They bullied me verbally. If I wasn’t getting some line of verbal abuse already at home from dad at times, or witnessing some verbal abuse of some kind.

Those bullies feeling great in what they are doing, knocking down my self-esteem, but because of the unseen.
Hey, I already had no self-esteem!

Years down the line, I get married.
It should have been bliss.
But no, I found I was at hands of verbal abuse again and one time of rape.
The difference with me at that point, I wasn’t going to stay and put up with it. I already gave two chances when it came to respect, but it would start again after two weeks of bliss.
I left after the rape, which was the first and last time that was going to happen to me.
But again, this is the unseen. No one see’s what is going on what should be a happy marriage.
After a few months of chatting living back with my mum, I talked about the full extent of that relationship I was in and I realised that had I stayed in this relationship, it would have been the same as my mum was with dad.

Damage from that relationship affects me today. But not as it did.

Verbal abuse is just as bad as physical abuse. If someone experiences this and does not share with you, you will not know the unseen, because you are not there.

This post created after seeing the Daily Prompt: Unseen

Sharpie Sunday

Blogger, “Summer Starts to Shine,” came up with a great idea on her blog recently called “#sharpiesunday.” (Do click on this link, to take you to her post, Sharpie Sunday, to find out more.) 🙂

I would really like to do what Summer is doing, but I have struggled for inspiration. But I feel something may come along soon, although don’t expect it too regular from me. Until then, here is something that I have coloured in using just Sharpie pens.

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Summer, I thought of you when colouring this one in below.

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