To feel clean

(Content warning: rape.)

I first revealed, very briefly in this post, that I had been raped. Even a previous blog I used to write, I never revealed that word. Only a few people knew and only a couple knew the full details. I won’t go into fuller details, in the regards to the rape, than already said in that post and I never will. But what I will reveal is how I had to do certain things to feel clean, after I left that relationship and moved back home.

I felt dirty and my mission was to replace every clothing I had worn while in that relationship, with something new. Washing them wasn’t enough. Every new piece I bought, I would put it separately from my other clothes because I did not want them to  touch. I had contamination in my head. Although not quickly as I would have liked due to low-income and a debt I was left with, by him, I eventually got there and all those old clothes were gone. And I do mean everything was new, right from undies to nightwear and everything in between. It was the only way to feel clean.

Rape affected me big time, but not as much now as it did at the beginning. People have said for me to report it, in the past. But I just can’t. The fear and the sickness was way too intense and if I was to do it now, it would still be the same. I have come hell of a long way, to go back to how I felt then. At the end of the day, I am out of that relationship and all I do is aim to try to keep moving forward, ever since.

Post inspired from Daily Prompt: Clean.


8 thoughts on “To feel clean

  1. Thank you for being so open about such a tough thing that happened to you. I am sorry that you had to go through that but you are a strong strong person

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    1. Thank you. It is not something I would wish for anyone to go through. It has made me having relationships difficult, but the last one I was with, I was with for 6 years and he was my rock, my friend and lover, but he could not commit. He always fobbed me off the last two years of our relationship when I asked when he would move in. Same reply as previous year. There was something else he never answered my question to either. I was gutted. I have just been my own person ever since and not interested in a relationship now on a romantic level. Friendship level is just enough for me now.

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  2. I’m glad you wrote about this Liz…sorry I’ve only just seen this as I’m just catching up. I really relate to the cleanliness thing and changing all your clothes so nothing was associated with the assault. These kinds of traumas have lasting effects and as bloggers it is very helpful when we write about them. People need to know. For me now I’m obsessive about bathing and showering and having clean hair at all times. I feel so psychologically uncomfortable otherwise. Big survivor hugs Xx 💖

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