Random thoughts

Once I have passed and one day own a car, will it give me a better job?

A better job as in more hours where I would like to work, when it comes to hunting for a new job? A job where I am appreciated for the work I do?

When I have passed my test and ready to own my own car, I wonder if I still want that automatic car, or will I be happy to continue driving a manual car?

Just random thoughts. 🙂

The power and necessity of self expression in healing trauma — Emerging From The Dark Night

A well-written post that caught my eye this morning, that I would like to share with my readers. Please visit “Emerging From The Dark Night,” to read all of this post.

I woke late this morning to hear the tail end of a very powerful interview with an aboriginal writer and artist. Rhonda Collard Spratt who has recently written a book on the trauma of being one of the stolen generation, those precious young children who were forceably removed from family and community ‘for their own good’ by […]

via The power and necessity of self expression in healing trauma — Emerging From The Dark Night

Depression sucks

Depression sucks.JPG

My first post back after my blogging break I talked about going on a weekend holiday to Warwick and Stratford.

At the end of my first day after walking around Warwick, when at the hotel, my mood dipped. I felt low, even though that morning I felt great, the coach ride to Warwick being lovely and recognising the coach driver from another holiday I went on, so already a familiar face. I enjoyed the site-seeing earlier in Warwick and the hotel was lovely and my room relaxing, as I set about unpacking my suitcase and taking time out in my hotel room till it was time for dinner. But yet I felt down while in my room.

That is depression for you, it comes around without an invite and even though you appreciate and enjoy what you are currently doing, it can, or it will try to put a dampener on the holiday, or whatever else you are doing. But I have got to say, that when I felt as I did, I was not expecting it. Not after a good day I had.
I was then dreading a little going down and joining my coach group for my dinner, as I did not want to dampen anyone else’s day if they spotted the difference in me. But no one spotted and I felt I managed to mingle with the others either side of me better than I thought. I enjoyed my starter and dinner, but left the sweet alone as I was full and I made my way up to my room, wishing everyone a good night.
Back at my hotel room I was a little better, but there was still that depression cloud looming overhead. I watched Casualty, before deciding to have an early night, as I was tired.

The next morning, I felt great and my low-mood feeling I had the day before was gone. My uninvited low mood had quickly disappeared, as it arrived.

The way I am

Anxiety has been there for most of my life because of never feeling like I fit in, or belong anywhere. This feeling, along with being made to feel different started when I was in Junior School. No one wanted me on their team, but obviously I would have to end up on someones team. Even when I shown how good I was at non-stop cricket one time, which they were stunned, it did not change their views. I still was not wanted. This carried on all through Comprehensive School, but in addition to bullying which was mostly verbal. I only experienced physical a few times to start with, which was just pushing.
Through working life, thankfully not every job I did not feel alone, or not belong. There has only been one area where I was judged before they knew me and where I work currently, there has been (or probably still is) judging when they don’t really know me, because now I don’t speak unless I really have to, due to past issues at work with bullying and other things. But this time I don’t care if they judge. It’s their problem, not mine. The few that know me, only know me because I know they won’t shove it back in my face later, otherwise I keep myself to myself, which pisses off the others, because they have nothing to gossip about.
Through the lovely people I have met along the way personally, they are in my life because they mean something to me.
New friends I made through a place I stopped volunteering at, because no opportunities happened in the months I was there, I try to meet up with them, when I can. A lovely group who I feel comfortable with and who are patient with me because of my hearing loss. But underneath, I still have a little anxiety at times, because that just seems to be me. I am also tired after and can’t wait to go home to re-charge, because of the effort it requires me to lipread. While I am there, when conversation is in full swing, unless someone near to me either side starts a conversation separately with me, then I stay quiet, because I do not know what is going on. I cannot follow group conversations at all.

I will try to travel somewhere new, but just because I do it, does not mean I am always anxiety free. Sometimes anxiety likes to pay a visit and I don’t know why I am having that moment.
If it involves more than two buses to somewhere new and I do not know where to get off, I simply can’t do it, as anxiety-wise, it’s too much.

If I go somewhere that involves a crowd, I get anxiety because of not knowing who they are and I can feel claustrophobic, depending on the crowd and the situation. Putting myself in the same situation, does not make it go away. It never gets any easier.

People have said to me that I look confident, when I have said underneath I don’t feel confident, or have anxiety.

If I am with someone I know, but someone comes up to us because they know the person I am with, I will stand back and let them talk. I tend to find I am quiet because I don’t know them, because I worry about possible communication difficulties I may have. This is just the way I am.

If a random person came up to me in the street, anxiety will be there, because again, I will worry about the communication difficulties I could have, because of communication difficulties I know I have.

You will not find me in a swimming pool, because to do so, I would need to remove my hearing aids. I will not be around people without my hearing aids, because of communication difficulties I would have and my anxiety would be high.

I could easily isolate myself if I allowed, so I don’t have to worry about communication difficulties.
To be ME and remove my hearing aids.
It’s so easy being on my own, to be me and just relax.
To be me without the worry of the communication difficulties, or the worry of being judged before you they fully know me.
To be anxiety-free.

How lovely it would be, to be without anxiety, as it would make my life so much easier. The same if I wasn’t deaf. But that’s the way I am.

For the record, I hate my anxiety and my hearing loss. But I know they will never go away, as much as I want them to.

Introverts…

Most introverts are not selfish as some people may think. Introverts do want to meet your needs and support you just the same, but how we may express ourselves may be different to what you are used to and you may not understand us.

You can’t expect to change who we are and us introverts don’t expect you extroverts to change either! We just want you to at least understand our behaviour.

Introverts think about their friends a lot and we really do care. However, if you force yourselves on us in order to make us change or do things your way, the we can become frustrated.
I became frustrated for some time because I was not given space required while studying and in between from meeting up, or chatting online and my requests were being ignored, regardless how it affected me, or how I felt I’d seen it. I had to cut this friend off to a certain degree for a while.

If boundaries are not going to be respected, then unfortunately I feel I have to cut you off for a while. This is because as I have mentioned in previous posts, I am no good to anyone if I am drained or burned out. This includes looking after myself.

In the end, if I find my boundaries are never going to be respected, then I will cut you off altogether permanently.

Having a friend cross boundaries with me has been a first. Hopefully it will be the last time I experience this again too.

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My driving lessons

As I write this, I have had two driving lessons so far. The first one was about three weeks ago and my second one was today. Each lesson is two hours long, as I believe I will learn better this way than anything less.
My first lesson I wasn’t as nervous as I’d thought I’d be and my anxiety was a no-show. (I felt proud of that.) While the car was stationary, I was learning all the basics and safety in and out of the car. learning a lot of new things and I found it interesting. At one point my instructor asked me something, to see if I knew, with me subconsciously picking some things up in the past as a passenger, or that I learnt before starting these lessons and then we went through it together after. I then got to put some of these in practise, like setting up my seat, steering wheel and mirrors for example, before trying out the clutch and the accelerator while remaining stationary still.
I found the clutch hard work and I was struggling to press it all the way down. My toes were just bending back, so under the instruction of my instructor, I changed my foot position so that my toes and ball of my foot were both on instead. It made it better, but still hard work. I was wearing my ankle boots which are comfy and they are flat, so I was wearing the right shoe comfort wise, but because of no foot strength and my boots being soft soled and so my toes just going back when I pressed down, it made it look like my toes did not come to the end of my boots. But they were. So trainers were recommended next time, to see if it would help.
The accelerator I seemed a natural at in applying the right pressure to get the needle of the tachometer to a certain position that my instructor asked me to and then taking it to another a position and straight back down to previous. After my first lesson, I could not wait for my next one.

My second lesson was today and this time I wore my trainers. When it was my turn to be behind the steering wheel, after setting it up accordingly, (with only help on my centre mirror,) I wanted to try the clutch to see if wearing my trainers would make it better for me this time. Thankfully, it was and I felt reassured knowing that, because today I was actually going drive the car for the first time. I did have a couple of high anxiety moments and I nearly forgot to breathe with one of them which we laughed about as I was driving. But I drove up and down the same patch each time, feeling better than before with my anxiety, although I wasn’t feeling confident with myself, I could see I was getting better in parts. But it wasn’t until the end of my lesson for reflection on todays lesson and what I would like to expect and do on my next one, that my instructor made me realise how much I came on than I felt. He explained to me that to say it was only my second lesson and today being first time actually driving the car, that I am practically driving the car myself with no prompt from him. The only bit I get muddled up with is at the beginning he said and he noticed if I remembered one then after a while I forget something else. Otherwise I am fine and going in the right direction with everything else. So to help me, because I was going to create flash cards for myself for this bit, to get it in my head, he wrote me this. Instruction instructor wrote down to hopefully help me remember

I am getting muddled up with doing a couple of things in the first four steps and when I remember one my brain forgets another. This will go on my cupboard in the kitchen, so I can look at it when I am in there making a cuppa etc.. something I learnt from my GCSE English days as an adult, when I went back to see if I could get a higher grade. Those days there were lots of post-it-notes on my cupboard doors to memorise for it and since then, I have put this learning method into practise when I did maths and now for my driving lessons.