My 7th driving lesson.
Started off small and then it was out on the main road. I was feeling the heat when out on the road with my driving, as I was starting to drive wrong when out on the public roads, compared to when I was on the quiet roads. With this, my self-critic was hitting me hard and all I was remembering was what I did wrong and not what I was doing right. My confidence was not good today and although my challenging spirit is still there, I am thinking about what it would be like for me driving an automatic car again. (This last crept in two weeks ago.)
I have today, searched for automatic driving lessons in my area and there are two out of three I contacted to hear from; one who I emailed before to find they were fully booked and to try 8 to 10 weeks down the line and the other, I am not sure now if I have emailed them before or not, but I await after receiving an email back which I then gave my mobile number so an instructor can text me back. So fingers crossed, I may get to try an automatic car and if I find I am ok with it, then hopefully they can fit me in down the line ,if not sooner. A third I contacted, informed me there were no automatic instructors in my area.
Sumer Starts To Shine is written by Imani Summer. On her blog she talks about BPD, PTSD, child abuse and trauma, which are her own experiences. Imani Summer’s blog is great read who I have found further inspiration from; ‘Sharpie Sunday‘ and ‘doodles and moodles,’ where I have re-discovered my creativity side. I have also joined in with #IfDepressionWereAChoice which helped to vent my feelings out more.
To see more of my ‘Sharpie Sunday,’ ‘doodles and moodles’ and ‘If depression were a choice,’ just click on the appropriate tags of the same name at the side of my blog.
Before I suffered with depression, I always understood that it would never go away, it was just about how each day is managed to make it the best day you possibly can. That you found a way to learn to live with it.
So what I am about to say next will probably surprise you, because it has me.
As you know, I have depression on and off over the years. Being on medication this time round has been longer than before. But I always thought that I could get rid of my depression once and for all. It wasn’t until this year at some point, that I accepted I had to learn to live with it and cope each day what it may or not bring. To make each day the best I can, (and I am still learning.)
After this post; Another disappointing blow which I shared my disappointment with you of not getting the job, I have since tried to keep a positive mind. Keeping a positive mind and going to a workplace I find where my self-esteem is challenged because of what has happened in the past and also this year is very tiring. Some days I just don’t want to get up and my anxiety can kick in some way. It’s hard work when you don’t feel appreciated and just don’t have a clue with your own department no more, which has led me to have no faith or trust because of what has happened,past and present. It has been soul-destroying at times and I had to take antidepressants, as well as counselling to help with this and past childhood issues that came out.
So what am I doing to try and keep this positive mind?
- As SummerSHINES mentioned in the above post in my comments, see the job as temporary. This is something I have heard before while having difficult moments and it does help.
- If I want, or need extra hours, then I am going to see this as temporary also. But also I have control in where I would like to clean, by picking of a list that takes my fancy. So I could pick an area where I know it will only be me cleaning it, if I wanted.
- Try to make sure I continue to practice self-care.
- Continue with my current studies and enjoy the moment and experience.
- Continue to enjoy the experience of my driving lessons and look forward to what the future can bring with this.
- Continue to do things that will take me outside my comfort zone, when I can.
It was my review with the doctor today for my antidepressants and I am now back to one a day when it comes to taking them, after chatting with him. (Instead of one every other day.)
He is happy for me to be on them for some time if needed, with the strength being a low one and has not said about me coming back in so many months this time, so I imagine it will crop up in a much later appointment, or when I am just due for the check later when it becomes zero on my repeat prescription.
I let him know what I was doing and the situation still at work, along with how I feel about that. So it was after that conversation that he decided I should go back to one day. Unlike my work department, I trust my doctor and so I am happy with what he suggests.
While I was at my doctors, I also asked if my hay fever tablets could be changed to a non-drowsy one, because of me learning to drive and hopefully a car driver one day. I mentioned how the instructor brought this up regarding medication in general and checking that they don’t affect your driving. The doctor was happy to do this, but pointed out that even non-drowsy medication can make you drowsy. If I felt they were not good for me, I could go back and be given something else.
In yesterdays Chit chat post, I mentioned about attending a meeting not far from me, (as the title says.) The meeting was for 2 hours, starting with welcome and introductions and then an overview presentation from a Director of Primary Care.
Afterwards, it was workshops, based on the following:
- Access to GP services
- Maintaining a healthy lifestyle
- Mental wellbeing
- New roles in General Practice
In our groups on the table we spent so long on each of the above topics, coming up with our views in ways to improve things in those areas. There were lots of suggestions from everyone that attended this meeting, from all backgrounds.
I went to this meeting so I could put in a suggestion regarding a certain access as a deaf person that I would find helpful and what is already in place, so there is nothing new to add other than use it. But although I went primarily for that reason, I felt I could contribute to the other above topics hugely and I found the whole meeting very interesting.
For those that attended the meeting and also if you could not get and are in Notts, then there is a survey link where you can share your views with NHS Mansfield and Ashfield Clinical Commissioning Group and NHS Newark and Sherwood Clinical Commissioning Group, here. I don’t know how long this survey is running for, but I do know it will be running all this week and possibly next week.