For a few weeks and more so in last two weeks, I have been on self-destruct eating more sweet stuff than normal. I even went out and bought it, which is how bad I was feeling.
I was feeling low and at times depressed with the idea I still have this same job and not anywhere else. Some mornings I just did not want to get up because I was that tired, but I had to, with what was happening that day ahead. Eating sweet things have been done in secret, until I mentioned here and recently to a friend because of saying why I refused to accept a sweet she offered because I thought I had enough sweet stuff today.
I wasn’t eating what I would usually allow myself as part of my new healthy eating, I went in overdrive. I won’t go into detail of some of the amount, because I find it embarrassing and I feel I have let myself down. I have even done where after I have felt bad eating what I have done, I noticed I was eating a bit more for that emotion. So if I don’t watch, I will go on a vicious new circle here, which I have not done before.
My friend who I tried to explain to, why I was not accepting a sweet, (which I accepted later in the night after further offers to have one) said, “there was more fat on a bone.” But like you my readers, she does not know the secret quantity I ate. But also, she herself is now enjoying food more since she quit smoking and has admittedly said she can’t stop. But she is not bothered, as she said she needed to put the weight on. (Which she looks better for.) The difference is, I don’t want to be going back to putting more weight on. I was happy at 11 stone which I last weighed many months ago and even though I wanted to go to 10.5 stone, I wasn’t to concerned with maintaining 11 stone at one time. But now I am over 11.5 stone.
She may not know the full details, but I would have thought there would have been an understanding before in how I felt and why I said no thanks to offerings of sweets.
Also when I have said where I have put the weight on how I feel and she says I haven’t when the jacket I wear is starting to look tighter than it was and I can’t layer winter things under it as it will be tighter looking, or wear my fleece jacket with it, like I originally could.
My favourite red winter coat that she knew about (at the beginning of this year I think it happened, otherwise it was end of last year,) the stitches ripped completely halfway around, under the arm of one coat when I went to reach for the seat belt. Even though I could zip it up, I was aware of that difference and then that happened.
I know I am responsible for what I put in my own mouth and that by accepting this friends offering of sweets, it’s my own doing. But it makes it hard. But I am determined that I don’t want to be buying a new coat in a size up.
I may not be fully happy in life, but when I lost that weight, I was happier with my body at that point. When you are not confident and you end up hating your body, it can be a vicious circle and I don’t want to go back there.
Sweet things that were sickly sweet for me before, I have found they are not, so I know I will have to go back to my 10-day sugar challenge again, to kick off this sweet tooth I now have. It’s a wonder I have not been sick on a couple of occasions.
I know also that I have to motivate myself into exercise. Regular readers will know I sold my exercise bike after I wanted my living room to look like a room again and with giving up the TV, I knew I would never get on the bike again. But I like Zumba and I have a Zumba DVD, I need to get motivated and get that DVD playing and get off my arse and do it, for an hour at least once a week, but preferably twice a week.
I need to remember how good I felt when I achieved what I achieved before and for the health reasons I did this. I need to remember when I choose food as emotional eating, that I am not treating myself right and I need to make sure I practise self-care.
To say how I have felt with my moods, I have been able to motivate myself with study, which I am surprised about. But then, it could be my get out card and do something different with my future.
That’s my rant out of my system towards myself. Now I need to kick my butt!
For new readers who have not read about my healthy eating originally, then links to the related posts are below: