I am not delaying the inevitable

After seeing my dentist earlier than planned today, due to a lump appearing on my gum above my scar, it was confirmed what I thought, my abscess had returned.
Although I was given different options, (included going to Sheffield Hospital for treatment,) I knew that if another abscess ever returned, the tooth was coming out. I do not want any further treatment just to delay the inevitable. As the lump wasn’t big, the dentist was going to leave it for a bit and for me to come back when it was bigger and in more pain. I pointed out to the dentist that when it bothers me at its worst I have to take pain killers and I do not want to wait till it gets worser as I don’t want to put the other tooth next to it at any further risk again. So I want it out now.
So I have a set of appointments that covers from extraction, to taking impressions, to being fitted. This all starts in October, so yet again, like in the past a further wait than I would like for treatment and in this case, to get rid of the dam tooth.

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Self-destruct: sugar

For a few weeks and more so in last two weeks, I have been on self-destruct eating more sweet stuff than normal. I even went out and bought it, which is how bad I was feeling.
I was feeling low and at times depressed with the idea I still have this same job and not anywhere else. Some mornings I just did not want to get up because I was that tired, but I had to, with what was happening that day ahead. Eating sweet things have been done in secret, until I mentioned here and recently to a friend because of saying why I refused to accept a sweet she offered because I thought I had enough sweet stuff today.
I wasn’t eating what I would usually allow myself as part of my new healthy eating, I went in overdrive. I won’t go into detail of some of the amount, because I find it embarrassing and I feel I have let myself down. I have even done where after I have felt bad eating what I have done, I noticed I was eating a bit more for that emotion. So if I don’t watch, I will go on a vicious new circle here, which I have not done before.
My friend who I tried to explain to, why I was not accepting a sweet, (which I accepted later in the night after further offers to have one) said, “there was more fat on a bone.” But like you my readers, she does not know the secret quantity I ate. But also, she herself is now enjoying food more since she quit smoking and has admittedly said she can’t stop. But she is not bothered, as she said she needed to put the weight on. (Which she looks better for.) The difference is, I don’t want to be going back to putting more weight on. I was happy at 11 stone which I last weighed many months ago and even though I wanted to go to 10.5 stone, I wasn’t to concerned with maintaining 11 stone at one time. But now I am over 11.5 stone.
She may not know the full details, but I would have thought there would have been an understanding before in how I felt and why I said no thanks to offerings of sweets.
Also when I have said where I have put the weight on how I feel and she says I haven’t when the jacket I wear is starting to look tighter than it was and I can’t layer winter things under it as it will be tighter looking, or wear my fleece jacket with it, like I originally could.
My favourite red winter coat that she knew about (at the beginning of this year I think it happened, otherwise it was end of last year,) the stitches ripped completely halfway around, under the arm of one coat when I went to reach for the seat belt. Even though I could zip it up, I was aware of that difference and then that happened.

I know I am responsible for what I put in my own mouth and that by accepting this friends offering of sweets, it’s my own doing. But it makes it hard. But I am determined that I don’t want to be buying a new coat in a size up.
I may not be fully happy in life, but when I lost that weight, I was happier with my body at that point. When you are not confident and you end up hating your body, it can be a vicious circle and I don’t want to go back there.

Sweet things that were sickly sweet for me before, I have found they are not, so I know I will have to go back to my 10-day sugar challenge again, to kick off this sweet tooth I now have. It’s a wonder I have not been sick on a couple of occasions.

I know also that I have to motivate myself into exercise. Regular readers will know I sold my exercise bike after I wanted my living room to look like a room again and with giving up the TV, I knew I would never get on the bike again. But I like Zumba and I have a Zumba DVD, I need to get motivated and get that DVD playing and get off my arse and do it, for an hour at least once a week, but preferably twice a week.

I need to remember how good I felt when I achieved what I achieved before and for the health reasons I did this. I need to remember when I choose food as emotional eating, that I am not treating myself right and I need to make sure I practise self-care.

To say how I have felt with my moods, I have been able to motivate myself with study, which I am surprised about. But then, it could be my get out card and do something different with my future.

That’s my rant out of my system towards myself. Now I need to kick my butt!

For new readers who have not read about my healthy eating originally, then links to the related posts are below:

 

Self Care Ideas for Bad Days

For those of us that have bad days. Let’s try these suggestions. 🙂

Discovering Your Happiness

It’s okay to have ‘off’ days 🙂 you are human + this is normal.

When we do feel this way, the below list could really help the way you feel.

  1. Take a bubble bath
  2. Read a good book
  3. Read a personal development book
  4. Read a fun magazine
  5. Have a solo dance party
  6. Listen to an inspirational podcast
  7. Paint your nails
  8. List 10 things you’re grateful for
  9. Play with a pet
  10. Try a guided meditation
  11. Play a board game
  12. Watch the clouds
  13. Stargaze outside
  14. Take three deep breaths
  15. Unfollow negative people on social media
  16. Unplug from technology for an hour
  17. Do a legs up the wall yoga pose (you just lie down on the floor next to the wall and put your legs up vertically on the wall)
  18. Take a cat nap
  19. Watch a funny movie or TV show
  20. Wear your pajamas all day
  21. Say positive affirmations
  22. Get dressed up for…

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Do I sound confused, not settled, or just full of options?

I am not happy at times and I can get frustrated, wanting a ‘get out card’ option to be in another job that I enjoy again and where I feel appreciated. It’s clear to me I don’t want to be where I am no more and I have never felt so sure, but I am not in a situation where I can just hand in my notice while I have no other job to go into.

I still have that mind frame where I just want to start afresh; to live in a new area. This gets more stronger when I feel low or depressed.
So if I was to be in a job I felt worthy of, would I still want to get out of the area completely?
I can’t completely answer this, other than if I was not in a job I felt that sucked out my self-esteem, my confidence, my energy and, where I don’t feel me and instead in a job where I felt valued, I know I would feel a completely different person and I would be happier. I know that I would feel that I had more of a balanced life; work I love, my alone time and around friends who I enjoy their company of. But whether that feeling of getting out of Nottinghamshire was still there, I am not sure.
If I could choose where I wanted to live exactly, Brighton comes to mind every time. But this seems an impossible task to achieve currently, because living there seems expensive, but also, how do you move so far away when you need a home. But to get a home, you need a job and vice versa.
The other area where I nearly moved to once, as you know, was Derby, after applying for a job. (But I had no luck with.) This area still stands. There is also another area I like, in Notts, but I am not willing to share with anyone yet what that one is. But it wouldn’t be far away.

I have shared with you in the past my feelings in different situations like work, the feeling of getting out. Also, new plans I hope to do that I felt set with and still do, but then I look again at the other options on top.

Do I come across to my readers as confused, not settled, or just full of options?

Which ever route I take, it is not going to happen quickly as I like and this frustrates me and it can make me feel low and depressed. I know I also feel unsettled and I wish I could permanently shake this off until I am somewhere I feel valued and playing my part.

Chit-chat: Has anyone found LinkedIn useful?

It was suggested to me once to try LinkedIn for looking out for work and set myself up a profile on there. I turned my nose up immediately to the idea because of remembering how I once used it before and I thought it was a waste of my time. But then, back in those days when I first tried it, I had no bloody clue about LinkedIn and I did not really need it. I now have one partially set up, but at the moment my profile is not visible, with it only being partially set up and I am still wondering if it is worth having one.

have you ever used LinkedIn? Did you find it useful for looking for work?

I have been nominated for the Blogger Recognition Award

This is not the first time I have been nominated for this award, as I was nominated last year. If you would like to see that post, you will find it here.

This year, I have been nominated by Carol, over at https://therapybits.com 

1. Write about how and why you started blogging.

This blog started because I needed to write for therapeutic reasons, which it still helps me for that same reason at times and acts as a release for whatever is inside. But it also gives awareness and I have met like-minded bloggers through this blog, so I never feel alone and that same I hope you don’t feel alone when you read what I share. My blog has also grown, which shows I have as I share new challenges, or learn new things.

2. Mention the person who nominated you and write a short description about them.

As I mentioned before, Carol, at “Therapy Bits” nominated me for this award, which you will find her blog over at the link shared above.
When you visit to read Carol’s blog you will learn about dissociative identity disorder (DID), PSTD and she shares sometimes her therapy sessions, as well as other parts of her life.

3. Choose 15 other bloggers for nomination, for this award.

I am not going to list 15 other bloggers for this award as I find not many really join in, so I will keep this open and if you are reading this post and have never been awarded before, then please feel free to feel nominated. Should you wish to join in, then don’t forget to tag this post so I can come and see your post.

4. Write two different pieces of advice for new bloggers.

Just be yourself, as this will reflect across in your blog and write what you are interested or passionate about, as this will keep encouraging you write something on your blog. Don’t forget to visit other blogs that interest you and leave comments there, as well as replying back to your own visitors.

5. Let the people you have nominated know about you nominating them and send a link to your blog post.

See number 3, for who I nominated.