5th June 2019, Trial #1 – “Working on Us” Mental Health Prompts

Beckie, over at Beckie’s Mental Mess, is starting on a new prompt series called, Working on Us.

For today’s prompts, there are two prompts which you can either just do one, or both. For details of these prompts and how to play along, please do see todays post at: https://beckiesmentalmess.blog/2019/06/05/june-5-2019-trial-1-working-on-us-mental-health-prompts/

I have decided to do just one of these prompts and so I have chosen prompt #1 – Question:

When you first found out that you had a mental illness/disorder. Explain how this new revelation regarding your health affected you?

My mental health is depression and anxiety.
Depression has been the main symptom, because anxiety came second. But anxiety over the years has proved to be an issue at times, as my depression.

I wouldn’t say it has been a new revelation for me, because I always knew it was there, or not quite right. I just never did anything about it, because as I did as a teenager, I just soildered on and as a teenager, I wouldn’t have been aware about how my own mental health was in general then, even though I seen the trials of my mum’s mental health.
I was a person who got my head down, hoping to get through each difficult day. My long standing readers will know about my childhood difficulties. But for those that are new, then click on childhood in the tags section of my blog, because explaining it here would make it a very long post.

Fast forward after divorce, my mental health went down more and I felt I wasn’t coping. I referred myself to counseling, for the rape and about that relationship in general, which mum supported me on, by coming down on the bus with me and waiting in the waiting area, while I had my counseling. The counseling helped for that time then.

Another moment in time later, which then I was in a relationship. (The relationship that never went anywhere and what turned out to be a shocking later, that I discovered by accident some years later after having nothing to do with him.) During some point in those first two years I think it was now, one night, in my own bed, which I was on my own, I had a flashback of the time I was raped in my first relationship. It felt so real. When I woken up, I found myself in the same position, so god knows if I had been crying out in my dreams. It was real enough in my dreams, but to wake up and find myself like that, made it more sickening. I was hugely triggered and traumatised all over again.
Further counseling at a rape crisis centre, with the support then of the boyfriend I was with. This counseling went into areas of conversation that was not covered in my counseling elsewhere I had the first time round on this area of my life. I can’t remember if I was on medication then. I don’t think I was. But the counseling really helped, for that time.

Then in another area of my life, (before the above flashback) while still in this relationship, had issues with neighbours, while in a council property. The stress of it all brought me to a new time low. I lost a lot of weight with it. At this point, I was on antidepressants and I was scared to take them I remember. But the doctor reassured me of my concerns. My then boyfriend, supported me in that appointment, in case there were things that needed repeating later, with things being a blur and numb. I wasn’t long in getting a private property and this is how I ended up in private properties ever since. I can’t remember how long I was on antidepressants, as some of that time is now a blur.

The last time I was on antidepressants, were at a time I blogged about here. That was when my old workplace broke me that much, that I could take no more. I was depressed and I was having lots of panic attacks. God knows how I still managed to keep going to work. I was that messed up, I really shouldn’t have been there. But I kept doing my shifts and doing what I automatically seem to do as a child.
I also had counseling, which towards the end delved in my childhood. I was having triggers when going into this area and because NHS counseling only lasts so long and because of the nature from childhood, it had to be treaded carefully. This counsellor said because if what I seen as a child and the other things in regards with what dad was like, that I likely to have PTSD. To hear this being said to me shocked me, even though it made sense.

I was on antidepressants longer than the doctor would have liked. This was because I did not want to start weaning off then when I was having driving lessons. Then when I did not do anymore, because I couldn’t deal with it any further, plus I had a double-death in the family; my cousin and her husband.
Then, as you know, followed by discovering the true horrors of the ex-boyfriend and finding out what he truly was by accident in a Google search not related to him, there was no way I could think of reducing my antidepressants. So antidepressants were reduced some months later, even though it was still a difficult time.

Present day, I can still feel lows at times. But I am feeling particularly low since my first day in new job. But I remain medication free, since I last came off them, as mentioned above.

I take each day as it comes. With the now stresses I have had since living here, that you know about and being more of a carer for my mum than I ever been, lists are becoming more my friend, because since February, I am finding myself more forgetful then ever before. I have used a diary for years, but a list is in addition to my diary.
If I have a lot to think about in a day, then a list is created and placed on my coffee table. I will also take the list with me, if required.

I hope this post gives an idea, as it has been very hard to write this one. Not because of the topic, as this is now easy with the counseling and support I have had over the years. It’s just a bit grey in areas, as I forget things and I found just writing this post, in how best to get my words down. So feeling brain tired, is probably the best way to put it.

Thank you for reading, if you got to the end of this post.

21 thoughts on “5th June 2019, Trial #1 – “Working on Us” Mental Health Prompts

  1. Yes it can be very mentally draining to pull all of those kinds of pieces together in a coherent way. Thank you for sharing.

  2. Wow, you have really been through so much since a child, and to have overcome a majority of it… You are a very strong woman. I myself, have had flashbacks in my sleep for when I was date raped. Because I was unconscious, I just receive little flickers of memories of what actually happened. The worse dreams are the realization of initially waking up the following day, naked, alone on the floor, and knowing I was violated.

    Excellent post, Liz! I’m so happy that you shared this with us. Again, you are an extremely strong woman in my eyes!

    1. Thank you Beckie.

      I have heard that I am strong so many times. I just put it to how I just went with it as a child. Even when the later stuff happened as an adult and now the different stuff this year. I am finding myself so tired and had enough, yet I still continue. People ask how. I don’t know. I just do.
      Your flashbacks must have been awful for your circumstances too Beckie?

      1. I never learned that I had a mental illness until it wa too late. My family withheld information about my grandmother being bipolar. I found this out two weeks before admitting myself into the hospital after attempting suiide.
        The flashbacks have lessened over time, I do handle them better now thanks to the help of therapy.
        I do truly understand the part of being so tired and having had enough… Trust me, I do understand. I keep pushing myself as well, and don’t even understand where my strength actually comes from. I think it’s instinct that pushes me.

      2. I knew you would relate to that Beckie and I know many others would too.
        The pushing on business, you have the right word there, ‘instinct.’
        I am glad to hear your flashbacks have lessened. I have had no more than that unsuspecting one ocassion. The other flashbacks experienced, was from my childhood when going into that with my counsellor. I thankfully have had none since my counseling days, but the pain can come at rare times. What I taken from counseling helps.

      3. I always say this, but… Thank God for therapy and this place.
        Like last week when I was consumed by the anger and then having been reminded of what took place to me years ago… You guys were there for me.
        This is and should be everyone’s “Safe Place” – where we can all open up, and know that none of us is alone.

      1. My pleasure. Again, that is what I want this series to be about… Sharing different aspects of what we do and how we handle our mental illness. Bringing the community closer, and not only that… But, helping others along the way.
        Thank you for being the first participant in sharing. I so greatly appreciate it! 💗

  3. Wow, sounds like It’s been a roller coaster ride since you were diagnosed. It’s great that you have been able to overcome the depression/anxiety.

    1. It can still be there, but it doesn’t affect me greatly as it can do.
      My life has been one big rollercoaster. Even family on my mum’s side did not know exactly how bad dad was.

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