My feelings – How I used to be, or can still be.

I talked about in post, Feelings how I need to go in depth, in my feelings a bit more, with not doing it for a while. I have had some feelings surface recently, that I have not felt some time. But before that post, let me talk about the time how I was at my worst with depression and how I can still be now.

My behaviour at worst depression

I have had more than one periods of bad depression. But two ocassions I was on medication temporarily.
At these times I did not want to speak to anyone. But regardless how I felt, I some how managed to speak to at least my mum.
I was happy to stay at home and sometimes I would keep my curtains closed, so I would feel more cocooned in my own space.
Living on my own meant I had to go out, whether I wanted to, or not, as I had to get food in. But when I went out, if I seen anyone I knew, I would do a detour. I wanted to get my stuff I needed and get straight back home, so I could curl up on the settee.
In both my earliest stages of depression, I felt so exhausted, that getting off the settee was hard. If I did not have to move, then I didn’t. When I felt like this, I made sure there was a jug of cold water on my coffee table and a glass, just so I kept myself hydrated.
When it came to food, I’d get it when I felt ready. The odd ocassions I would miss a meal in the day, because I fell asleep.

Going back to when I had to go out to the shops, as I say, if I could avoid anyone I knew, I would. This was because the first line of conversation you can guarantee is, “Hello. How are you?” Now some may not know I am depressed. But at that period in my life, I just did not want to answer that dam question, because mostly, people would want the quick answer of, “I’m fine,” rather than what is actually wrong.
I have seen the odd uncomfortable body postures. So yeah, I would avoid meeting so I could avoid speaking. I also didn’t want to talk about my depressed self. I was depressed enough, without talking further on the topic, depressing myself more.
One time, in a supermarket while part day dreaming and for one moment forgetting why I was there, I spotted someone I knew. I felt a bit cornered and stuck on the spot, that I grabbed a bag of pasta off the shelf and started reading the instructions. Even though I know how to bloody cook it. While reading it, I am hoping I am kind of invisible in my pasta and they did not see me. (Yes, I said this what you are reading about being invisible in my pasta. Not a typo.) And I got away with it I assume, because there was no tap on the shoulder. I then made a dash to the checkouts, with my items and including the pasta and buggered off quickly home.

How I can be now

I can feel low and at times depressed. But not depressed at the extent I need medication. The last time I had medication was back in April 2018, as I blogged in this post; Coming off my antidepressants.
What I feel mainly now is anxiety, stress, irritability, and frustration.

If I have a bad case of anxiety, all I want is space while I bring myself down to an acceptable level of calm.

If I feel very irritable, or frustrated, again I am definitely going to want my own space on this one.

I find if I feel frustrated in myself,then like my depression, when I am aiming to shop, I just want to get there and get my shopping, then come home without interruption.
If I can avoid people while I am feeling like this, then I will. But I do find this doesn’t always work that way for me. But compared to my blackest depression I talked about above, I find I can talk easier and without faking, if I have to. And sometimes after chatting, depending on who I am chatting too and the topic, I would feel better for it after.

As you know, I like to walk. But this year, I have increased my walking even more. It’s my go to, to get rid of the frustration mainly and irritability. But it helps with anxiety also. Especially when in nature. That’s where I really like to be.

Also, after Sundays event with my mum, I have old feelings that have resulted from that, because of how mum was. But I will go on about that in a separate post. That post will be called, “My feelings – part 1, when it does air. I hope to get that post aired in August some time.

If you got to the end of this post, I would like to say thank you for reading.


© Elizabeth Fisher and My Wellbeing and Learning Journey.

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15 thoughts on “My feelings – How I used to be, or can still be.

    1. Thank you. I love walking, but it has come on stronger for me this year. I do get agitated, if I don’t get my walking in.

      1. It has not been very good. I felt stressed and upset for most of the day from what happened on Sunday with my mum, that raked up old memories for me.
        I did eventually get myself calm by the afternoon, only to get worked up again, because of what my mum experienced today. She got robbed.
        Mum is fine thankfully. But she is shaken. She was scammed as well, which lead to robbing. So she has reported it to the police and gave details, which someone will ring her back later. She has had about £100 taken from her handbag.

  1. I am so sorry to hear this Liz. My heart feels very sad for you, and for your mum. I am so sorry that you feel so anxious and stressed but it is natural in the circumstabces. Not that that helps very much. I too hope that this robbery does not have a lasting effect upon your mum. I know that you are not going to be able to settle and be at peace. Big hugs for you Liz, and lots of love ❤️❤️❤️

  2. I’m sorry you’ve dealt with such depression, Liz, but I think you’ve done brilliantly describing what it has been like for you then and now. I think it shows great courage and self-awareness to learn triggers, ways to cope, to be kinder to yourself, because depression (and anxiety) aren’t things that can magically go away.  ♥
    Caz xx

    1. Thank you Caz. It was a hard post to write and I was hoping it would come across ok, to help other people understand, as well as my friends. Xx

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