My feelings – Part 1

So I have been talking about feelings recently. That includes my own personal feelings. If you have not read these posts on this topic, then you can find them below, at the end of this post.

This post is about my recent feelings. Feelings I have not felt since childhood. But then mum’s behaviour how it was on Sunday, I have not seen since my childhood. My teen years to be exact.

My regular readers will know the situation about my mum. But for anyone else, you will have to see earlier posts of some of the things shared. But to put it short, mum took an overdose earlier in the year and since then, she has been closely monitored.

The story to set the scene first

Since I last seen my mum’s nurse, because she wanted to see me so we could altogether talk about my mum’s mental health, I have been a bit concerned about my mum’s health. But more concerned since Sunday.

Saturday, we met up in my local town, to catch a bus to Edwinstowe. We were going to Sherwood Forest. Just the visitor centre, so mum could see that, as walking wise, mum wouldn’t get round the forest now.
Mum enjoyed herself I could see that, for those few hours out and she said she enjoyed herself.
We departed our separate ways when back in my local town. Both of us going back to our own homes.
Later at night, just after 10pm, which I was in bed and just about to turn the light out when my mum texted me, to see if it was ok to come to mine? I said yes and set up the fold-up bed.
When mum came, I gave her chance to unpack before asking if she’d like anything else. Mum said she fine and did not need anything else. So I went to bed.

Sunday morning, I got up at 8am. My mum was already up and I could see mum wasn’t right. I could also tell by her face I was possibly going to get snapped at and I did, after asking her if she had breakfast.
I tried having some form of conversation. It wasn’t working and I got snapped at, so I left her be to do what I needed to do, before going to my local shop.
I chatted about some food, when I came back. Again, conversation not going well and snapped at. So I did not speak unless I was spoken to first. When mum did speak partly, I listened and just said ok, or nodded.
I discussed lunch, as what I was doing today. This was going to be a light lunch and mum looked like she did not want to eat, when it was time. Another concern.
I tempted her to eat something else, which either a pack of crisps, or a flapjack. She chose the flapjack, but not until she snapped back at me before taking it off the plate.
Mum kept nodding off and I let her. When mum seemed a little alert, I tried a different tactic to try and ease the tension in the room. I activated the fart button, on my phone. It worked. She thought I farted too, until I pressed the fart button again. This was the only time we laughed; about 10 minutes, or just under over a fart box, because later before she left in the afternoon, I tried to have another general conservation, for only my mum to keep looking at her watch every 3 seconds. Then while looking at me as I was still speaking, mum spoke over me! “I think I will go outside and wait for taxi ready,” mum said. Her taxi was not due for another 15 minutes and it was raining. So tension again, but this time from me because I listened at the smallest time she spoke. But could I have a conversation about anything? No.
Did I feel I was listened to? No.

Even though we hugged and said love you, to each other. I did not feel my mum realised just how upset she made me feel, in addition to worrying about her with what I was seeing and another thing not mentioned here, that happened, that shows mum’s mental health is declining.

Today, I seen my mum while in her local town and again, I feel the same concerns about my mum’s mental health.

My feelings

Although I have talked a bit about my feelings in the post above, I will now put again all here, along with more.

As I have said, it’s triggered my teen years because how mum was on  Sunday was how she was for a period in my teens, when she stopped taking one of  her medications. (I strongly believe that this is not the case this time and that my mum is taking her medication.) I could not speak now, as I could not then without being snapped at. The walking on eggshells feeling.

As well as me feeling upset and not listened to, I am also very worried about my mum’s mental health decline, which in turn is stressing me out and anxiety is creeping in. I have also felt frustrated, with a little bit of anger.

Yesterday, I felt low and tired. I couldn’t think straight. My mind not great as you know. But I felt worser.
I had a lot of anxiety and it took till middle of the afternoon to calm. Then I heard from mum via a text, that she has been robbed. This made me feel sick that this happened and I am concerned what possible lasting affects this could leave on my mum.

Today, I have anxiety, I feel a little sick, still worried and stressed. Oh, and I have a headache… again.

So yeah. I am very worried right now. A lot of high emotions, with some crying this afternoon and somehow, I am still bloody going to work while I feel as I do.

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12 thoughts on “My feelings – Part 1

    1. Thank you. I hope so too. I am rather concerned. Nurse who sees her has arranged an earlier appointment with her.

  1. I cannot imagine what you’re going through nonetheless I’m sending you some calming thoughts.

  2. Oh Liz, I’m so sorry. I can understand being worried about her, that’s what makes you a wonderful daughter and human being, but it’s a lot to have on your shoulders. I’ll keep my fingers crossed things improve, or something changes for the better.. Sending hugs xxxx

  3. I hope you’re okay and you manage to recharge and start to feel better. I’m thinking of you both lots. Xx

    1. Thank you. It’s since this that I am really triggered and had enough, which has now resulted in me needing my break I have longed for so long. Xx

  4. If your mum has mental disorder or even some illness, you have to understand that snapping is not meant as snapping. She sees everything completely differently. The changes in brain can be various and they can affect different brain areas. Also, any systemic and brain medication has all kinds of side effects. Well, patients treated for mental disorders can act up in unexpected ways. It is less that person, but more that condition.
    I have, for instance, some art students who have autism spectrum disorder. Well, I cannot expect them to react in a generally accepted way and I cannot even remotely take personally what they sometimes say.
    My mom passed away in February and that was the biggest shock of all my life. It felt like a part of me had gone away. Sister said she was very difficult to get along with and that she also was angry and snapped at her, etc. She never did that with me. I let slide anything which I understood was her condition and talked as if I never heard the bad things. She became very calm and nice after a moment. We just have to try to understand what their condition puts them through.
    I don’t know anything about your life, and, therefore, I cannot assume what situation you are in. It’s just so that we try to think that everybody feels like we do, and that is not so at all.
    One thing is for sure: if your mum depends on you, that has to change. Nobody can live other person’s life even if it is a parent or kid. We have only one life in a current shape and way, and as selfish as it may sound, it is proven to be true: we must live our own life without sacrificing it. That only causes bad feelings, like guilt, regrets and self-pity and so on, and these are destructive feelings. The goal is always to find solution which fits situation without putting oneself in trouble.

    1. Thank you for your comment. With discussion from her doctor recently, mum will have to accept changes. But at the moment, mum is that unwell she won’t be going anywhere until she is stable and co-operative. (My mum is currently detained under the Mental Health Act Section 3.)
      But when mum is well enough to be discharged, mum will have to accept carers into her home, or assisted living. This to prevent a repeat of her not taking care of herself this year and giving up her meds. The giving up her meds is what has done this and mum probably in the end had already stopped taking them in July as at the time her behaviour mimiced that, but I really thought this time she was taking them. But her doctor believes not and later myself, I seen evidence myself that shown she hadn’t.

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