My feelings – Part 2

I see my mum tomorrow and I am dreading it. I have been dreading it since Sunday, but also knowing mum no better when I seen her for a short time Tuesday.

Most readers will know that the events earlier in the year changed me. Friends will know how much despair I was in at her bedside, when I was told by medics she could die.

To feel dread in seeing my mum tomorrow, is not a nice feeling I like to have. But from Googling, I seem to not be alone on this.

I even dread the texts at times, because they send me on anxiety, worrying, in  case my mum is having that really bad moment and I can’t get to her.

I forgot in My feelings – Part 1 that how the Sunday was going and the following day, I felt I was at fault. Not the first time I have felt that this year. But a friend who reads my blog and so reassured me after reading part 1 post, also mentioned it wasn’t my fault in that email. Something I needed to hear. But that thought of mine will probably come back now and against, knowing me.

 

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7 thoughts on “My feelings – Part 2

  1. You are doing great, Liz. Change sometimes comes slowly.
    Would you be comfortable to say to your mum, similar words you wrote here? I mean, could you express to her, in an honest, loving and caring way, how you are feeling this “dread” towards being in contact with her and that you do not like how it feels? Even if all she wants to do is bite back, at least YOU have expressed your love and SHE has heard it.

    Speaking for me, sometimes our ‘old ways’ are hard to break away from and when we do slip up, it’s difficult to say you’re sorry. It’s easier to just go back to the familiar way of being, even if it is not a healthy one. (I speak from experience and just wanted to share this perspective).

    Do keep in mind, medications can get in the way of our own judgements and actions. Especially the drugs called psychotropic, which are known to block our ability to discern.
    Love and warm hugz to ya always

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    1. I haven’t said anything about the dread and I think this is the only thing I couldn’t feel I could raise in discussion.
      With my mum’s mental health on decline and the ways she is when like this, it just wouldn’t help.
      I expressed my upset on the Sunday that I had enough and raised it on Monday, but with her so set on believing people are talking about and her reaction with that, she’s not listened to anything else.

      Today has been a little better. But I have kept mostly quiet today, with my head in my phone. (A new tactic I don’t usually do when visiting anyone, let alone my mum.)

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