I choose not to…

As I said in Chit-chat August, I had a letter off mum to read when I felt settled, as mum said. When I asked  mum what was basically in it, given that past experiences of reading her letters has not benefited me and have left me upset since aged 11. All mum said was she wrote everything in there. I said I could not promise when I would read it, if I ever do, because all it is doing to me is filling me with dread to read it now.
No reassuring words from mum what so ever, than what she said, “I have written it all in there.”
So I know given the circumstances, this letter will not benefit me and only upset me, reading what I already know and more.
Why should I allow my mum to do this to me again, after many times before?
Well I am not. Not again and so after only having that letter in my hands to read one day, since Saturday, I chose to shred it tonight.

I sent the following text to my mum, to tell her I choose not to read and why.

“I have shredded your letter. I have not read it because I choose not to. I choose not to open a letter that could possibly upset. Given my experience of past letters from you since aged 11, a majority have never benefited me from reading. Only one letter ever did and I won’t allow myself to get further upset then I have already been. X”

How I feel right now. I am getting ready to disown my mum. Yes. That’s how I feel right now and I feel angry also for feeling this. I feel angry with my mum making me feel like this.

Work though. They have been bloody amazing and supportive as usual, when I told them what has been going off and how I feel about it that I mention here, after my first day back, from being sick off work last week.

 

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35 thoughts on “I choose not to…

    1. I can’t see this getting any better and it wouldn’t surprise me down the line if she chooses not to help herself further. It’s going pair shape and I don’t see why I should put up with it any longer. It’s all I have known in my life and I have hated it for a long time. X

      Liked by 1 person

  1. As one of your newer followers, I am sorry to hear about your relationship with your Mum, but can understand your reasons for your actions. I feel similarly about my sister. She has hurt me so many times and losing Mum was the catalyst for me telling myself enough was enough.

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    1. Thank you for your kind words. I have had a lot to deal with since childhood. I would have disowned my dad had he still been alive with his verbal and on two occasions threatening abuse because I was screaming at him to stop hitting my dog with a shovel.
      I then have my mum who’s mental health is only what I know with the ups and downs if it.
      I have been bullied badly at school, so with that and home, I had very rare moments when I could feel I was away from it all and be me. Those rare times was with my dog when I take him for long walks when I was old enough to do that dad was cruel to. The other times I was me, and could be in my own world, was when I was on my own in my bedroom, playing. There were other times of escape I felt; my dog and being on my own in my bedroom, in my own world.
      But to feel like disowning my mum now, cos I had enough along time ago before the latest of this year, I would never have thought I would come to finally feeling like this.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. How dreadful to have such an abusive childhood. Some of the fosters in my care came from abusive backgrounds. I can’t get my head round what makes people like that.
        You must do what you must do, and I respect that.

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      2. Twice I was threatened with a shovel because I was screaming at him to stop hitting my dog with it. I was 9 years old and this is where my PTSD comes from that my counselor said I would have had, given my flashbacks and how it was affecting me, when I was talking and going into this area in my counseling sessions.

        I know if my mum does not take up assisted living, when the nurse talks to her about this, then I doubt there be much choice of anything else for my mum, so she can move to Mansfield, which means everything will just go downhill from there and I don’t want to be around to see it.

        Liked by 1 person

  2. I am so very proud of you for taking control over this situation. I have experienced a similar situation and you made a difficult decision and what I see, a life altering choice. Sending you happy thoughts.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you Wendi. Xx
      I also feel like the bad daughter for having the feelings of disowning my mum. I can see it coming, if things I predict end up happening.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Liz, my heart breaks for you, it really does. I know many of the thoughts that are swirling around in your head and the agony of making these decisions. You are not a bad daughter…….if I had to guess, your mother is a less-than-stellar mom.

        Liked by 1 person

      2. I had no one to really look up to. Mum had no confidence. Dad was an alcoholic. Although you couldn’t tell him that. Surprisingly, dad made Christmas,through to New Year good. There were very rare moments I could say he behaved as a dad should. It’s a shame the rest of the year couldn’t be like it.
        I carried lots of guilt and more than I realised, which all came out of my last counseling sessions a few years ago.
        Things I were carrying that no child should have felt.
        Being asked things by my mum and taking an adult role from my teens, even though I was still yet a child and not experienced life as an adult.

        Liked by 2 people

      3. Thank you Wendi. Time will tell in the next couple if weeks what happens. I have made no arrangements to see mum this week, but whether I will, I don’t know.
        Mum’s nurse is back from her annual leave on 21st August, but I can’t remember if it’s this week, or next, when she next sees her.

        Liked by 1 person

  3. Oh Liz. I am in exactly the same position as you and Inunderstand every word you have written. Yesterday I coukd hardly bear even to come on WordPress, which sadly is my only life, but happily because people here are so kind to me. My mother also has aaid that she is going to give me a letter to read after she is dead. She is 93 and I am 71. I know that it will upset me. Yesterday we had a crisis where we thought she was dying. But turns out she had built it up into that and just wanted to manipulate. She shouted at me in an almost demonic vouce. My father who is dead, was violent, as you know, and my life was terrible, with me doing the same as you did, and going into a life inside my head. I too carried guilt, and have been made out to be the worst daughter ever.

    Oh Liz. Our crisis is going to continye today as wel. As my sister is coming to clean, and she also causes us hurt and trouble. Yesterday I just wanted to put myself in some safe hands somewhere, since I cannot fend for myself any more. My hysband lies, and that is ruining my life too. I wanted to get away from everybody yesterday.

    Liz, if only we lived cliser because we coukd both try to put all this shit behind us, and at least go outand have a coffee together, and a chin wagand try to be happy for a bit. I know I am blind and wheelchair bound but can manage without help, and I know that I am fun to be with, so we could at least havea laugh if nothing else.

    You ARE a good daughter Liz. Just as I have been. Butwe just open ourselves to further abuse don’t we, by continuing to care and try to help. It’s awful.

    I am with you one hundred percent on this Liz. Look after yourself. You don’t need this. I just wish for you a happier life.

    Plese feel free to email me any time. Wish I was phtsucally there for you.

    Much love and many hugs. ❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you for your kind words, Lorraine.
      I even have a letter to open, at the time I deal with her will. The letter was given to me later at a time I think mum was stable. But as I have bad experiences with her letters, I wonder what may be in store. ☹️

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      1. That letter I am supposed to open at time of when I open her will, I am thinking giving the circumstances, I should open it now and see if it contains anything I expect it to contain, that may be needed to forward to her nurse.

        I should have forwarded that letter to the nurse rather than shred.
        I did not read that letter, as said in post, as in fully read. But stupid me did glance at it and I skimmed through it. I was right, it gave me nothing but upset and nothing to gain from it. 😣

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      2. Oh Liz. I a. sO sorry. I truly know what such letters can contain and can do. I feel so upset for you that you have to bear this. Lots of love and hugs to you xxxx

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      3. I opened it. It wasn’t a letter, but she found her old will to pass onto me. That will is outdated as it was 2014, but the other I have is in effect, as 2017.
        I wonder though. The will has my old address on . Should my mum be updating this will, as it has my old address where I used to live and not where I live now. Cos if so, I may as well get my mum to arrange the solicitor to do it, rather than me. Even though there is nothing big in mum’s affairs, it’s because how I feel towards her and with everything I will probably be lumbered with in the end that I also don’t want to do, like arranging her funeral when the time ever comes. I don’t want to arrange, or go to in how I feel right now. Xx

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      4. I understand Liz. I think from what you have said, we have very similar problems and issues and feelings. Jyst know I am here for you whenever, either here or on email xxxx

        Liked by 1 person

      5. I will read it later Liz as am just about to go out. My mother too is causing us many problems today. Sometimes it is impossible to make out what is happening but usually it is not good! Xxxx

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