A change of heart with my mum

As you know with I choose not to… and If you followed last night’s post… it was getting more of a tense time and I was considering cutting ties with my mum completely. But as I calm down further, I am having a slight change of heart. But there is still going to have to be some changes, on both sides.

I’m not going to be her carer. I’m going to be her daughter. I will help top up her phone when I do see her. But that’s it. Nothing else.

From now, until November time, I won’t personally see her, as I still feel I need time away to calm, heal and concentrate on me. But I will allow my mum to text on the first of each month only.

I think mum needs a taste of what it is like, without a daughter. Maybe mum will discover how much she had depended on me.

I hope that from the short temporary break of not seeing her, that mum learns something from this. I hope mum takes more care of herself.

As for me, taking this step back from not being a carer, to just a daughter, as much as I wanted to help, I will know by not doing the caring role, it will be better for me long term. Hopefully, better all round, between me and mum too.

Also, because of the step back I am doing, means more time for me, making sure I do what I want to do and time for me as part of my self-care.

You have to remember, I have been a carer to some degree, since my teens. I’m now 43. So I think I very much deserve time out and keeping distance for a few months. It has only been this year where I have felt I have had some kind of support when it came to my mum.
But as I was still the one who seen her more than anyone else, it has been me that has seen the changes and bore the brunt of it.

When the time comes to seeing my mum in November and our first day meeting up goes ok, the plan will be to only see my mum either once a week, or once every fortnight, from then on. I won’t do anything more than once a week.

I will keep you updated and once again, thank you for your support. Xx

© Elizabeth Fisher and My Wellbeing and Learning Journey.

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34 thoughts on “A change of heart with my mum

  1. This is a very brave move Liz. I applaud you. You deserve this. I cannot write much now but I am totally with you on it. Much love to you. ❤️❤️❤️❤️

    1. Thank you. All I need to do is now put this in a letter to my mum. I have been making notes, so I know roughly how to lay it out to not make it confusing for mum.
      I just hope I am not setting myself for further hurt. But I imagine with this in place and more, should it still not go well, then all I can say is I tried. But this the last chance.
      I hope by cutting back, if I am set for hurt again, it won’t be as bad because I am not taking on duties as a carer no more. Xx

      1. Let’s hope that it produces the desired effect Liz. You so need your space, and to be able to enjoy lufe a bit, again xxxx

  2. I understand what you are going through. It takes a lot of courage to take such decision. Hope things resolve between you and your mom soon. She is old and its better to ignore their hurtful talks then to cut all tie. But I don’t know your struggles, so can’t suggest this to you.

    1. Thanks for your comment. There’s nothing different with my mum now as it has been some years ago. But it has been more worst this month with the triggers it caused me from my teens. So that didn’t help. But this is her last chance. X

  3. I think taking this space is a really good idea, Liz, for you both, even though it’s likely to be hard. For what it’s worth, I think you’re doing brilliantly asserting these boundaries. xx

  4. You have been through so much in one lifetime so far and it really saddens me that you have been treated so badly particularly by your own mum. It sounds to me like you are doing the right thing by you. You have to put yourself first and take care of you. Sending love xx 🌼🌼💜 xx

    1. Thank you. I wouldn’t say treated badly by mum, but she has depended on me more than she realises, which was put on me at such a young age. But the letters she writes that don’t mainly benefit me and only cause upset, I have had enough of.
      So those letters, in addition to her behaviour before that, which was a trigger for me from my teens has made me angry.
      I have also felt very tired since February and still have bouts of tiredness.
      But this past month has really got to me and I have had enough. I do need this break.
      Mum has got the letter, which she received a couple of days ago and texted she understands.
      But yesterday, she texted, which I ignored and so she texted again. I had to text her to tell her that I think you need to re-read my letter, because you are not following it. (Mum is supposed to text me first of each month, after first letting me know she had letter.)
      I really do need my break. Xx

      1. I hope so too and that she gives herself the self-care too, with the support of her nurse, while I do my thing. Xx

  5. I know how you feel. I’ve recently cut my mother off. I’ve decided to let her see my son as she’s great with him until she messes that up but I have no contact with her my husband does all the arranging and she contacts us. I feel sooo much better not worrying about what bitter twisted thing she’ll say this week and honestly if your thinking about cutting them off you have your answer that they’re not worth your time. I saw her the other day as she was late dropping my son off and it gave me major anxiety but I just kept it civil and only talked about Ny son and made it clear she wasn’t welcome in the house then shut the door. It’s frighten hard but it gets WAY BETTER. Just because they are related is not enough reason to stay under there thumb! X

    1. Thank you for sharing your experiences. No doubt your experience is hard, but yes, it’s so true, just because they are family doesn’t mean we should stay under their thumb.
      If my mum was saying bitter things and twisting, I wouldn’t hesitate to cut things off with her. The hurtful things mum says were twisting a little towards the end when I decided to walk away from an argument and since chosen to have a break, because of all the tension in particular this past month, but the other words I find hurtful that don’t benefit me are not horrible words as such, but words mum expresses when it comes to her beliefs that are signs mum isn’t well.
      Depending on what you have read on my blog before this post, you will have seen I came close to cutting her off. Not that my mum knows this because I was trying to calm down and still am, before acting on the latest I felt, which is still requiring a break away from mum and some boundaries.
      Unfortunately, mum is breaking the boundary when it comes to texting and I have been reminding her a few time now over the last few days. If she doesn’t respect this, then I shall tell her not to text at all until I choose to contact her in November.

      1. You do what you feels best. Texting was when my mum would be the worst and made me dread opening my phone sometimes it’s just easier to not reply xx

      2. I have been ignoring a lot. I am hoping mum now observes, otherwise I will be ignoring again and letting the mental health nurse know that she has, on how my mum has ignored that boundary.

        I have dreaded mum’s texts since the day I found her overdosed, as again, the texts I had a couple of times since then out of many, were the type of texts that shows mum is not well.
        I am really burnt out and I refuse to do any caring aspect no more. I have been a carer in some form since my teens. It only came to me refusing because of some triggers created (ptsd) and knowing my mum is turning some help away, that I will no longer help someone who will take responsibility for themselves. I won’t pick up the pieces again. Xx

  6. Just got back online was off for a month, so I have a lot of catching up to do it looks like. You need time for yourself, and being the one who always fixes things and cares for others is very stressful. You are doing it right and I love that you are taking this time to heal and take things slow. They say absence makes the heart grow founder so hopefully your mom will appreciate you as a loving daughter and want that in her life. Have a beautiful Sunday.

    1. Thank you.
      It’s very early days, but mum has not took note regarding when she is allowed to text me and I have had to remind her. Now it’s a day she can text on, (1st of each month) she hasn’t so far texted, even though I did at lunchtime and then later to warn her I won’t chase for texts if she chooses not to text today. So I am frustrated and still convinced this won’t get better down the line.
      If mum plans to leave it late like she has been doing, I won’t answer when going to bed. I have a job interview for a morning cleaning job to think about.
      Mum says she loves me, but those words are not enough anymore. I need positive actions.

  7. Just read through the last letter. Oh my gosh, so sad what you are going through. I will keep you in my prayers. No one should have this amount of pain in their lives. I will also say a prayer for your mother and her well being. I have similar stories with some members in my family but it is painful to share and talk about. Just know that there are so many people out here to support you, you deserve happiness in your life. I hope everyday from this moment forward you get that.

    1. Thank you.
      It is painful.
      I am trying not to get worked up today. (Monitoring my blood ptessure soon.)
      I have been in a dark place at times that I feel I am still battling. X

      1. Thank you. Away from here I have been judged I have felt by a couple of people by my actions. But when I turn round and say it’s just been me and my mum mostly, you were not there, you did not see her at her worst, they can’t answer that. It shuts them up. Xx

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