I wouldn’t choose this life again

If there is a such thing as coming back in another life, I wouldn’t choose this life again.

Sorry if this upsets anyone, but I have been holding onto this for a long time.

My lifetime has had a lot of pain and sadness. What happened in my childhood meant it gave me triggers in later life. PTSD a counsellor said I have, for the traumatic things I witnessed/experienced, in my childhood

I don’t have PTSD like some people, so when not showing signs for some time (that I am aware of) meant I thought I was lucky there myself and cured. Yes, I thought I was cured, until I was triggered again.

I know many of my readers do relate and no doubt will relate and understand this post.

I wouldn’t want any child to go through what I had and to still put up with some of the things now, all for the sake of love. It took until I burnt out and for seeing my mum revert slowly back a little. Not helping herself.
The offers are there for her. She’s holding them, but not using them.

I was happy to help and support one time. But when the person is not continuing helping themselves, then I can’t help. I won’t put my emotional energy into it no longer.
The person has to help themselves and do the work too. Something my mum once said, but failing to follow her own advice now.

A family member on my mum’s side keeps saying I should meet up for you for coffee. She said it again after she had that basic update of how me and mum are. I kept saying that would be lovely. Do let me know when. But you know what? I have been waiting for that fucking coffee and meeting up since before my mum took the overdose! It’s gone on even longer than that, because I have been hearing this since last December.
If you do that to a family member, or a friend, then please don’t. Don’t set that person up with that kind of promise, or any kind of promise you can’t keep.

But you my readers, my friends and work colleagues have helped more than anyone else. (With exception of one family member who has unexpectedly helped me in the past, on a different matter.) And I really appreciate  that. But it would be just lovely to just sit in a park, or a cafe,  for that cuppa. Even if it’s just sitting in quiet. I don’t mind quiet. I like quiet.

I would like to see a person be in my position now and do what I have done for my mum in one year. Not forgetting the anxiety, stress, worry, frustration, scared of every text that comes to your phone, until finally it getting very heated and you are feeling burnt out. Would you still do it for another year?
Then try my life of doing it that long from my teens as a carer, but understanding and worrying from 11. You will feel resentment. When you have had the counselling and understood even more how your childhood is affecting the present, you will feel more resentment and maybe anger. And the disappointment and further feeling of being alone, because someone could not keep that promise of going out for a coffee.

If you was a fly on the wall, observing just the day time hours in my flat this past month, you would have seen how difficult it is for me. This past month especially when it got more tense.

Now don’t say I can change this, because changing this would mean cutting mum off completely and I nearly have done that. But for the sake of love, I haven’t quite yet. But I do need that temporary break. It’s very early days, but I do wonder if I will end up doing it permanent, because of what went off over a few days and what hasn’t happened today, which I won’t go into here right now. But it’s early days and I shall see what happens by November.

Until then, I am facing my own battles still, to keep out of that black cloud.

I have self-referred myself, back to counselling.

As for my blood pressure, it is going down. My lower number can be a bit high at times when taking readings. Only time it’s shot up, is when I have been upset.

My asthma is only triggered by the same upset, otherwise it’s much better. I have even got rid of that blanket from underneath my pillows, when I needed to prop myself up more. I didn’t think I would ever get rid of that.

 

© Elizabeth Fisher and My Wellbeing and Learning Journey.

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22 thoughts on “I wouldn’t choose this life again

  1. It really is a no-win situation that you’re in. However things end up going, it’s going to be difficult. It seems like there’s no way of avoiding that. I hope the counsellor is able to help with processing it and lightening your load a little.

    1. Thank you Ashley.

      The couselling I referred myself back to is who I went to before in 2015 or 2016, depending on whether it was the beginning of discoverying the cause, or the back end when I continued with it, when having to use another provider, due to only getting so many weeks on the NHS. It really helped me then, so hopefully it will again.
      I can’t remember how long they keep you on file, but mentioned roughly when I last seen them and why and the latest now of this year, with it being all interlinked.

      1. Whether I will see same counsellor, if she still works for them, I don’t know. But being that long and the year I have had, I don’t know if I would recognise her.

  2. Wow. This is beautiful. It’s like you opened the laptop and your heart fell onto the keys. I love this one especially….’The offers are there for her. She’s holding them, but not using them.’ And the fucking coffee. Lol

    1. Yes, my heart has gone out into this post, along with releasing my frustration, by writing it. Xx

  3. Oh Liz, I think you’ve done well putting all of this into words, and I think it’s probably good to get it out and off your chest. It’s just such a difficult situation to be in currently, but as you say, see how it goes and what happens by November.. I think it’s a great self-care step in referring yourself back to counselling; were they able to tell you a ball-park of the wait list for your NHS area? I hope it’s not too long, the wait for mental health support can be appalling. In the mean time, take care of yourself, you’re important  ♥
    Caz xxxx

    1. Thanks Caz.
      I don’t know what the wait will be with me not speaking to them over the phone, as I had to request what ever they were asking for by phone, to ask in an email because of my hearing loss. They emailed, but asked nothing further. They should said I am on the list for an assessment appointment.

      I feel things may get better between me and my mum. I had to see her in town to see why my wishes of not texting until certain times were being ignored. I had a feeling that maybe something was wrong with her phone and she wasn’t getting my messages and I was right. So I sorted that and we had a chat after me first warning her that if I feel it is going to get heated, I will get up and walk away like before. But it went alright and it benifited us both. But there were two ocassiins when she was talking about particular things that I can’t handle again since being triggered, that I had to put my hand up and say stop. Which she did.
      I told her some good news I had and how I was going to carry on having a good day. She was happy to hear that news. I will share my happy news in a chit chat post later this month. 😊 This happy news has gave me a boost.

  4. I know what you mean. It is so disheartening when someone tells you they want to get together and then the months just fly by and nothing happens. It’s an emotional roller coaster and it eats away at ones trust.

    Children who grew up in dysfunctional families already have trust issues so anyone that betrays that in any way when we are adults…well, it takes time to heal again from another disappointment of being lied to and let down, it just starts that painful cycle of emotional abuse all over again.

    You are so right, it is better to not say anything, don’t make a promise if you are not 100% sure you can keep it, especially with anyone that has been hurt tremendously in life. I hope you get that cup of coffee soon and there are more days of visits over a cup of coffee. Sometimes though they just aren’t the right people to be in your life at this time so it is better to keep your heart protected from the pain of being let down over and over.

    I went No Contact 8 years ago with my mom and her family (my family too but my mom poisoned them against me with her lies) and it is not an easy place to be. If I didn’t have children and a husband I probably would have stayed in contact with them all but watching my Husband and kids suffer at the hands of my extended family members was breaking my heart.

    I was used to years of abuse but watching those toxic family members mold my children into the next generation of punching bags made me wake up and see the way my life as a child played out. I had to go No Contact to protect my children from having the same issue I have now.

    It is hard going No Contact, especially around Holidays and special events in life. What most people who don’t come from toxic parents understand is that it isn’t always 24/7 abuse. There are pockets of happy memories of being with cousins and aunts, uncles and sometimes mom had good days…but I was so naive as a child.

    My mom’s good days were just her days of manipulations and setting up future chaotic and sabotaging things to happen latter. It was always a game to her. A game to always have all the control and attention.

    It is also hard going No Contact when emergencies come up like medical issues and just the everyday cycle of life where it helps to have the support of a family. I did not have that when my husband was in the hospital for a week…I was all alone with two teenagers when that happened.

    In the end if someone asked would I still go No Contact knowing what I know now, my answer would always be Absolutely 100% YES! For the sanity and well being of my children I would do anything to make sure they have a happy life and grow up to be confident adults.

    I hope you have better days. Treat yourself with kindness everyday. You need to heal the hurt you have suffered and only you know that hurt. Everyday do something that makes you smile and always tell yourself something positive. You have to erase the ugliness that happened to you, everyday make up for that by being kind to yourself . Okay, enough…I am off now. This is a very touchy subject with me but I love reading your post. Sorry such a long comment, I do get carried away sometimes. Have a beautiful day.

    1. Thank you for your comment. I could feel what you was saying, as I read it.
      Yes, it has took me a long time to trust. But my trust is only to a small few.

      I also had a promise from a different family member as a child on something they kept saying they would buy me for Christmas. It was one of them head dolls you could do hairstyles on. I thought it was dip at the idea getting one. But I didn’t. This promise happened for a further two years. But again, it didn’t happen.

      I have no children and for how I have been this past month in particular, I wouldn’t want a child to see how I am because of mum’s mental health affecting mine now, as well as fatigue sometimes still.
      If mum was nasty, I would have been done years ago.
      But I need that break that much now and so I have to have a boundary in place until November.
      When we start meeting up, there will be new boundaries.
      Currently, mum has still been ignoring my current boundary when it comes to texts. So I got very heated with her today and said if you don’t respect it, I will block her number and I won’t text at all until November, when I am ready to contact her. So I hope heating me get angry and making my point assertive that I mean what I say, that I get my break now. So I have been very affected by it today.

      It’s not easy, whether you love, or hate family. Xx

  5. So true, you need a break for sure. My uncle used to promise me a pony every year when I was a kid and every year would go by without one. I still do not know why he did that. Maybe that was just his thing, making promises he could never keep. Some people are like that I guess.

    1. I bet you were so excited about that pony too.

      I just don’t get why broken promises are given. It’s best just saying nothing.

  6. I really don’t know how you could get away from all conditions and health disorders you currently have. I believe you are better now.
    I have gone through a lot of awful things, but it never hit my mind to actually hate something or somebody. I sort of always loved myself and knew that everything depends on me only.
    It’s very easy to give advice and sometimes unnecessary, too, because we are in charge of our life. Everybody is responsible for their own life.
    We generally get what we are convinced about and most afraid of.
    There is blind trust and then there is a normal, trust when we trust, but proceed with caution. It’ s also so that the only person who can help us, most often is us.
    It’s seems like the blood pressure raises are associated with nervous system problems. I think we do a lot of self-analysis nowadays and also do not let go the past. We have to. It can be very difficult, but we have to start fresh every morning. We fall and struggle and we start again the other morning. One day at time. Without the past pressuring down.
    There is a good approach to anybody’s life. The base of it is that we never feel like a victim because as long as we do, universe just sends our way more tests. We must see no enemies since everything is a lesson. If we refuse to learn, we receive unpleasant things until we get the lesson.
    Hate, frustration, blaming somebody or something, not being able to forgive and forget are always in the way of experiencing something new and probably good.
    Big part of our perception resides in the subconscious part of our mind. It is very difficult to switch from a victim and somebody who suffers a lot to somebody who assumes responsibility for every moment of their life and manages it as good as they can.
    I wish you all the best. It seems you are doing fine and will be even better. I know how the best words can help very little when the next anxiety attack kicks in. Well, there are ways to overcome that. It will take even more strength, but it’s worth it. Asthma sometimes goes away by excluding all artificial pills, powders, vitamins, synthetic supplements and using the absolute minimum of all prescribed medications. That calms the immune system and its response. Body is confused by synthetic things.
    Brain can be cured, and everything starts there. I always advice art even if that person doesn’t feel like drawing or painting at all.I hope you could read my blog which explains these things in more detail. If it is not suitable for you, so be it, but it has helped a lot of people. The switch.

    (comment edited by author of this blog, to remove link to website.)

    1. Thank you for your comment.
      I have better days mentally. I usually doodle, or something creative but I seem to have gone away from it since doing either more walking, or watching dvds. I certainly need to get back into some other crafts from time to time.

  7. I can relate. I wouldnt choose this life either, given half a chance. have you started back at counselling yet? hows that going?

    1. I’m still waiting to hear back from the counselling. I am on the list for face to face assessment.

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