“Don’t come near keep away”

November is getting near. The month when at some point I am to meet my mum at some point originally.

My mum’s number remains blocked on my phone, until I come to unblocking it, when November arrives. This was to stop me being disturbed while having my own mental wellbeing break, after the burnout I had in August.
It became no contact, because as most of you will know, mum failed to respect my boundaries I needed when I limited the contact. So it became in the end no contact, until I was ready in November.
During the time my mum’s number has been blocked in my phone, I know mum has tried to contact me still, because of the icon that appears on the phone to show that. Most of October has been quiet until recently in which there has been attempted calls during the time I would be working. Mum knows I don’t answer my phone in general because of struggling to hear her, which then spoils the conversation, or worse, arguments because I cannot hear well and I can get frustrated by that, as well as mum getting frustrated with me because I don’t hear. But also she knows I don’t answer when I am at work. How many I have noticed she has attempted these past few days, had her number not been blocked, it would have been annoyingly going off in my pocket, disturbing me working. That’s if aware it going off in the first place, because when I am moving about in my job, I don’t always feel the phone’s vibration.

I wake up this morning and see another attempted contact. I choose to see what contact she was trying again and this time it was a text. Scrambled at the beginning because she don’t know how to delete text, even though I shown her when she first had this phone make years ago, but very clear after what she does say after, which is “Don’t come near keep away.”

Does this upset me after seeing this? No, because of mum never understanding the damage done to me back in July, with the way she behaved that day, that triggered back memories from childhood and from her overdosing in February.
But also knowing mum does not mean what she says. She’s more likely doing this because she thinks this will protect me. But it doesn’t.
It adds to the further of how I feel about all this in regards to how I feel towards mum, from childhood to now.

I also do not trust mum anymore when it comes to her mental health. If she isn’t taking an overdose, she stops taking her medication. That’s the pattern I have known.

I don’t feel ready to see my mum and I wonder if I ever will. The above makes it more easy in not seeing my mum. So although I had written a date in my my dairy when to see my mum originally. The question is whether I will, because I don’t need further shit and how I feel, I think it would turn to an argument within 5 minutes me being there, or if not that, then me being in tears and walking out, like I did when I was 11 and that is why I don’t think I would ever be ready.

 

© Elizabeth Fisher and My Wellbeing and Learning Journey.

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10 thoughts on ““Don’t come near keep away”

  1. Liz I’m sorry that you’re going through this, and for the amount of time is unimaginable, but my goodness you aare so strong. For standing your ground, for blocking your mums number, and for taking the time to concentrate on yourself and mental health. I hope Novemebers great for you x

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you.
      With how things are going with my mum, I will probably continue blocking my mum’s number, or partly so that I get texts, but definitely no phone call. I am no way speaking to my mum on the phone, while she is as she is. X

      Considering what I am going through, I have things I am looking forward to. I am looking forward to tomorrow evening, while having a bit of fun at work, while working. A colleague is dressing up and I shan’t have my work top on, but instead a t-shirt with a skull on it and words eternity. My cleaning trolley will be decorated up for halloween and I will be mucking about with my Halloween sound machine when I can, as well as offering a jelly sweet to my colleagues. (Eyeball.)

      I have my friend coming down from Oxford to her dad’s, so as she will be near, we will be meeting up. So I am really looking forward to that.

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    1. Thanks Ashley. I know I am not feeling ready and with my mum not being in those antiphicotic injections long, mum is still not likely to be well. I can’t see there being any difference to what I was told last week and the person who originally assessed my mum and decided she was to be detained under Section 3 said it would take 3 weeks to see any difference.

      It just doesn’t feel right, right now and keeping distant seems best for me currently.

      I emailed the ward this morning to let them know what message mum sent and my feelings on this matter and what has been happening this year,since mum took that overdose. Xx

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      1. That’s good. Hopefully being on the injections for a while will help, and the ward will see that they need to hang onto her long enough to really get all of this under control.

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      2. I hope they don’t rush. But when time comes to discharge, mum will have to accept one of different options given to her, if she is to avoid a care home type facility.
        So knowing this, I don’t feel she will slip under the radar.

        Mum is on injections due to her refusing meds.

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  2. So sorry to read this is happening to you. I wouldn’t try to give you advice, but you can’t help anyone if you don’t take care of yourself, so it’s good that you are thinking about what’s right for you. Have fun with the Halloween dressing up today!

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    1. Thank you for your comment. I am certainly putting 100% in me since my burnout in August. And although hard, I shall continue to do this.
      Mum chose to give up her tablets and so her first call won’t be me from now on, it will be those in charge of her care. I have done it a lot longer than most would do. As in my case since my teens as a carer in some form. But no more. Not as a carer and while mum is as she is and how I am, I am not seeing my mum anytime soon. I shall be in the distance, when those in charge of her care need to speak to me.

      I shall certainly look forward to work tonight. Xx

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  3. This is so sad, I feel for you. It is not easy what you are going through. I remember my mom would get so aggressive with her sabotaging my life and happiness that she would just come to where I worked if I didn’t answer her calls. One time I had to threaten her with security if she didn’t leave. She was always trying to find ways to get me fired once she saw how happy that job made me. Mental illness is such a horrible condition for all involved in the family, it hurts every single member. I hope you have more beauty and peace in your future.

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