(This post comes with a trigger warning, due to mention of suicide. But I don’t go into detail of this. I just mention the word and the ending of my life.)
So I finally got round to writing this post. A post I found difficult for different reasons.
One being able to actually delve into my feelings this time and acknowledge them.
Two, to understand what my feelings actually were and three, how I was going to write this post.
The following feelings I write, are based on what I have been feeling, or still feeling, since late August to present, as this post airs.
I have felt two types of anger. The general type anger and the “I hate the world” feeling type anger. The latter, I have not felt for some years and it wasn’t nice to feel that again.
Lots of tears.
Anxiety has been a little in the day, but not to affect me. The worst was waking up with it, first thing in a morning. My heart was pounding on some occasions. Did I have a disturbed sleep prior? Dreaming? I don’t know.
As I have said in an earlier post, I have been in a dark mood. I’ve not wanted to be here. I have had dark thoughts of ending my life. But as I have said in that earlier post, I’m not going to follow it through, as I will not put my friends through what my my mum has put me through.
The dark thoughts were really strong from September to near end of October. They are not as strong now, or often as it was then. But it’s still there.
I have had dark thoughts once before, many years ago, but it wasn’t as strong, or persistent as I have experienced this year. Have you experienced it? What did you do?
I am probably doing already what you do, but do share your tips on ways you have distracted yourself from this.
You can say at my worst, (dark mood), I had depression.
Certainly had plenty of that.
© Elizabeth Fisher and My Wellbeing and Learning Journey.
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