My feelings – part 3

(This post comes with a trigger warning, due to mention of suicide. But I don’t go into detail of this. I just mention the word and the ending of my life.)

So I finally got round to writing this post. A post I found difficult for different reasons.
One being able to actually delve into my feelings this time and acknowledge them.
Two, to understand what my feelings actually were and three, how I was going to write this post.

The following feelings I write, are based on what I have been feeling, or still feeling, since late August to present, as this post airs.

Anger

I have felt two types of anger. The general type anger and the “I hate the world” feeling type anger. The latter, I have not felt for some years and it wasn’t nice to feel that again.

Tearful

Lots of tears.

Anxiety

Anxiety has been a little in the day, but not to affect me. The worst was waking up with it, first thing in a morning. My heart was pounding on some occasions. Did I have a disturbed sleep prior? Dreaming? I don’t know.

Dark mood

As I have said in an earlier post, I have been in a dark mood. I’ve not wanted to be here. I have had dark thoughts of ending my life. But as I have said in that earlier post, I’m not going to follow it through, as I will not put my friends through what my my mum has put me through.
The dark thoughts were really strong from September to near end of October. They are not as strong now, or often as it was then. But it’s still there.

I have had dark thoughts once before, many years ago, but it wasn’t as strong, or persistent as I have experienced this year. Have you experienced it? What did you do?
I am probably doing already what you do, but do share your tips on ways you have distracted yourself from this.

Depression

You can say at my worst, (dark mood), I had depression.

Feeling low

Certainly had plenty of that.

 

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21 thoughts on “My feelings – part 3

    1. I can’t believe the year it’s turned out to be. But I still remind myself of the positives I have had like my new job and the benefits that has given me in addition to other things. It’s hard work. But I continue to use things that I have learnt, in addition to when I last had counselling in 2016 and the things learnt from that.

      1. I am finding it easier to do, compared to last year, remembering the positiveness. But when I am tired, is when it can sometimes easily slip. But still it’s better than ladt year, even though life in general has been difficult.

  1. I believe this year has been exceptionally difficult there seems to have been a real serge of negativity. I have had many very low periods feeling I could not go further, due constant health issues coming out of nowhere. I felt like I was about to give up and asked my cat (who speaks btw) if giving up was an option. She sat upright and looked down at me and clearly said “NO”. NO, it is and since then slowly things have started to improve.

    I can feel the energy changing within me now and have taken on a regime to improve my immune system.

    You are worth more effort Liz, life is hard but keep pushing forward, the fact you resisted a negative call shows you have strength. Do not let your past sap your strength. You have done extremely well. Look to eating foods which will keep you healthy, energetic and build up your inner and outer strength. Avoid sugar it is a depressant. Look to natural sugars such as honey, cinnamon etc.

    Bless you dear thank you for the share. You are not alone.

    1. Thank you for your comment.
      Yes, 2019 seems to be a difficult year for a lot of people as you say.
      Yes, the right fiid helps and Ivhave eaten more healthier for now the last few years, but yes, sugar laden stuff became a problem this year. I had noticed that I was going back that way very easily the last few months when feeling really low. But now I have my morning job, so extra hours that I needed to be able to live without money worries, with the evening job I do, I can buy my fruit again I was lacking this year, as well as still keeping an eye that I don’t sugar binge.
      I’m not a sweet tooth person since changing the way I eat for the better yeaes ago, but it did not stop me eating sugar laden stuff. Thankfully I am back on top of that. I won’t cut out sugar completly, as I will allow the odd treat. But I definitely need to make sure I stick more with the natural stuff.

      Thank you for your comnent, as this was a very hard post to wite. It’s much appreciated your comment, as is everyone else’s. It certainly makes me feel less alone with the support here.

      1. I am pleased to hear you are feeling the honest support being given to you. Take care you are precious and have much to offer in the way of advice to other people, time to put yourself first without guilt. Each day you will become stronger and healthier.

      2. When I chose to put me first and say no more back in August, I felt guilt. But less guilt as time went on, till no guilt.
        What I foundvstrange most of all was my free time because of not choosing to do the caring role anymore.
        I have had a couple of negative comments or looks away from my blog. But I soon shut them up and do no care what they think, because as I told em, they were not there and I challenge them to have a year doing what I did, let alone from the teens.
        When more medical professionals have spoken to me, they have said it’s difficult in one day and that I have done right, in what I am doing by putting me first. A day was easy, it’s after that it came hard until I broke in August and finally said no after that. I wouldn’t challenge sceptics a day, I would challenge them a year, to experience my shoes. X

      3. Absolutely they would crumble after an hour nevermind a day.

        You are not answerable to anyone’s opinion and if so do not give them an answer. I usually respond to people like this “and”

        Go get your life back and enjoy it.

      4. I know I won’t answer to those again by those that did question, or have that look. But it really did shut them up. I think for some it made them think again by what they said. But anyone else again, tjat don’t really know my circumstances well, I will get in the habit of not answering. You are right, I don’t need to answer them.

        I will enjoy life and make plans so that I have something to look forward to. 🙂

  2. Thank you for sharing your feelings. It is so hard for most of us to say how we really feel. Perhaps you could add “brave” to your list.

    1. I don’t know about brave. There is nothing that I feel brave that I am experiencing. But I probably should have added determination, because of being determined to carry on with my life and to look after me. X 🙂

    2. I am following your blog, as I am noticing I don’t seem to be following,even though one time I was. I wondered why I wasn’t seeing your posts.

    3. I am following. But your blog doesn’t show in my reader, so that’s why I don’t see it.

      1. Hmmm. I hope you’re able to get that worked out. I fought the Reader for a long time, getting notifications by email. But now, I embrace it and enjoy it. It’s always good to see you here!

      2. I don’t see you in the reader unfortunately, so I am not going to be aware of your posts this way, to say I am following and you don’t show on my list where you go to manage your followers.
        I even put your blog address in the search of the reader, but no posts shown.

  3. So glad you aren’t in such a dark place that you do something to hurt yourself. My aunt committed suicide years ago and it hurt everyone in the family, especially her young children she left behind. She had 4 children and the youngest ended up living with my other aunt after her death. I wrote a post on this a year ago but have since taken it down because it was a very personal post, even had the newspaper article in it where they talked about what happened in our family. Our family was in the news for awhile because my aunt also murdered her own brother (one of my favorite uncles). It was a horrible time for us all.
    When you feel anxiety, and sadness because of the environment you are being exposed to with people who suffer from mental illnesses, then find those places that bring you peace and treat yourself to that every day. I love nature and I believe in God so I get my peace by walking in nature and looking at things in a positive way as much as possible and thanking God for the beauty I witness when this happens. Everyone is different and I never judge anyone, so what ever they do to find their place of peace is up to them. Just remember to love yourself and treat yourself with something kind every day, even if it is something small like a cup of cocoa and a fun activity you enjoy to do. But please when you feel that dark emotion happening, go to that happy place instead.

    1. Thank you for your kind words. Yes, it’s important to treat yourself kindly. A habit I can get out of at times when really tired.
      Nature is one of my escapes. I like walking out in it. The other has been dvd’s. I have watched more dvd’s this year, than any other year. Good job I buy thrm second hand.
      Dying by suicide, or attempted is awful for the family and close friends. To have what you experienced as a family making it to the papers, makes it more difficult when family is personal and not normally in the pubic eye. I can’t imagine how difficult that would have been.

  4. You’re welcome Liz, and yeah, what happened hurt my grandma the most because she lost two children that day and the news reporters kept calling and even came to her house to try to set up interviews with some of the family. They succeeded in my step aunt giving a report on what she thought happened and that just hurt my eldest aunt the most. She wanted to keep it private for what our family was going through with my youngest aunts mental illness. Back then murder/suicide was not as common as it is now…so many sad stories out there now. Just find those things that make you happy, that’s what I always tell everyone. Looks like you are already doing that. I love watching old movies too.

    1. I try to find the good things and most of the time it’s easy with the practice I have been doing the last couple of years, but at times and especially when I am in that dark place, it gets harder.
      Watching my dvd’s is when I feel I can get peace, if I am not out walking in a beautiful place.

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