Cutting ties

After my set back with my mental health after choosing to see my mum that time, when I called at the ward to deal with her financial affairs, I have decided to cut ties with my mum.
Whether this turns out to be permanent thing, remains to be seen.
But I know I have to do this if I am to move forward with life, to concentrate on me, to live and enjoy my life and keep my mental health, healthy.
I know how I improved, when I chose to take that break for a few months from my mum. But the minute I was back, it put me on a downward spiral.

Regardless mum doesn’t want me to visit her while on the ward, as she once texted before, little does mum realise that my feelings of not being around, came probably sooner.
Mum also still wanted me to do some things on that very short visit, which I said no, because one, you don’t want me here and so I can’t do those that you ask, as I would have to come back to pass them you back, when you do need them. And two, after today, I am not coming back.
I also reminded her that she would need her bank card to pay her rent while she was in, which I said she can do over the phone while here and I am sure the staff will assist you with that. That conversation followed by not trusting them… which I replied before going, that is what you are going to have to start doing from now on, because after choosing to stop taking your medication, throwing away your help and not helping yourself, I am not picking up the pieces no more. Which followed on with another response of, well I will just lose my bungalow. I’m not paying. I reminded her for the last time, do what you like, because as I say, I won’t be pickin up the pieces. It’s your mess.

The time that I choose to see my mum, is when and if it happens, that she is back living in the community with her support in place.
I also won’t visit immediately when this happens, as I will be leaving my mum be for some months, so that hopefully she gets the idea I won’t be there and she will use that support.
And when I am ready to visit, it will only be when mum invites. I’m not inviting myself.

Mum will have to realise that if we are ever going to have a mother and daughter relationship again, it’s going to take long and slowly does it work.


© Elizabeth Fisher and My Wellbeing and Learning Journey.

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26 thoughts on “Cutting ties

  1. Liz, I understand more than you know. I wish I could give you my phone number so we could talk properly. My mother was the same. I had to cut ties too. If you ever want to talk personally, please say, and I can give you my number and if you rang me I could ring you imnediately back, to save you paying for the call. We pay so much a month and then every call is included in that so it would cost us no more. You may not want to do that, but if you do, the offer is there. I understand so well all the thungs you say. You are doing exactly the right thingfor you. I care, Liz ❤️

    1. Thank you Lorraine, but I can’t hear on the phone to have a conversation. Text, email, or face to face is the only way I can go.
      If I could hear well to enjoy a conversation, my calls are not limited either, or texts to chat. But thank you all the same of the offer.

      Much love to you. Xx

    1. Thank you. It’s the only way I can move forward. It will still hurt, but not mentally as much as getting involved. Xx

    2. I’d echo Ashley on that. It can’t be an easy decision to make. I know you’d planned to look towards the future with moving in together, but things have changed and you’re right, you need to do what works for you so you can look after yourself. Your mum is getting the care she needs. You need to take care of you  ♥
      Caz xx

      1. Thank you. This year is certainly not the year I hoped for, or expected. Mum will get the support, what ever path she chooses. This all depends on her. I can’t control this, but as I have known, I can control how it affects me.
        I took a break. I felt the benefits.
        I tried again, but witha very quick set back. So now I have to cut ties, if I am to get on with life. Otherwise life will be always at a stand still. Xx

  2. You have made some good decisions regarding your Mum. Very difficult decisions but the steps to put a barrier in place was needed and for you to get on with your own life. You have to be in control especially when dealing with someone who is very draining on your own health. You have to come first. Healing Hugs Liz take care.

    1. Thank you. Yes, very difficult and since chatting with GP, I have emailed the ward where mum is to inform I have to cut ties and I don’t plan to keep checking on her bungalow, or mail. Querying, as GP said to query when making this decision and to inform them of this to ask if she has a Social Worker at this point that can take charge of this.
      I have said though, that I don’t mind them me emailing me details when required about her care, or answer any questions about my mum, should and when it be required. It’s just I won’t see her, or handle her business.
      Mum put herself in this mess by stopping her tablets. Mum knows from past experience she should not do this. Doctors have told her not advisable.
      I will only see mum when she starts to take charge and responsibility for her own care, using the support that she has via them on the ward and whoever comes in mum’s life later, in the health care team.

  3. When you take a flight anywhere in the world the flight attendant will instruct you to put your mask on first before the children or anyone else. There is a reason for this. You can not help anyone if you are not 100% yourself. Your mother is suffering with paranoia, by the sounds of it, and is in the right place. Just reading that you wrote this piece, regarding you walking away for a bit, shows me, as a mother, that you are a lovely daughter.

    1. Thank you.

      My mum does have paranoia schizophrenia. When mum’s paranoia comes out, it really does come out.
      Although I am walking away, it’s not completely, as when it comes to her care, I don’t mind the ward updating me, or asking me anything. It’s just I won’t be seeing her until she starts to care of herself with the support she will always get from mental health team. And I’m not checking on her home, or mail anymore.

      From the stepping back I have done before and with how I am looking back on things I do wonder if my mum planned this. Not saying she isn’t ill, because she certainly is. But I can’t help feeling in some way it was planned, because over the last few months I remember how mum brought up on more than one occasion that I have a good work place and colleagues and a particular friend, don’t lose, she kept saying, when she knew how they supported me before, when she took the overdose earlier in the year.
      I brought this up to this particular friend and he had been quietly thinking the same.

      Mum is going to have to work on herself this time, with her care team. I can’t do it for her. Have to think of me.
      I can’t imagine cutting her off completly. But to get back to some mother and daughter stage, mum has her work cut out. X

      1. One thing which screams from your last comment is how much responsibility you’ve taken on. Let’s hope the mental health services put in place proper support services – sadly lacking unfortunately – for her. Too often family members are expected to take up the slack. The paid professionals just attending meetings and handing out medication is not really the answer. Hopefully things will change.

      2. Yes, I feel I have had a lot of responsibility from a young age. Especially from my teens.
        Mum has some good support before, but became of her current situation now, means more support will be given. So I hope so, because I won’t be doing it no more.
        Mum is going to probably find it harsh from them, her options that will be given, when the time comes. But if its any of the options that have been discussed with me and as mentioned on my blog, I shall have no problems. But it might come as a shock for my mum. Which is why I am now stepping back.
        It’s all down now to mum, on how she co-operates. While mum is as she is, she will find there be no coming off Section 3 for a while, for a start.

        I hope today’s children are not put through that I was put through in my childhood. You see the support being advertised for young carers, but with cut backs, are they getting it?

  4. sounds like you really need these boundaries and she needs to learn to take responsibility.

    I totally get this so be sure to look after yourself and no fretting!

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