(TW) I should have been dead before I was born

(This post comes with a trigger warning of death. )

My life has been one difficult mess. It’s what I have known since a child, but it doesn’t make it any easier. But after having finally enough last year and becoming suicidal between August to October very strongly, that temporary break had to be more of a permanent one in November from my mum. Hoping mum would once do something for herself, using the support around and then just maybe a mother and daughter relationship could be salvaged.

Well that salvage of mum and daughter I don’t see that happening after recent, updated events and makes me question even more, I should have just been dead before I was born, when mum took that overdose while carrying me. (My mum will be going to a nursing home facility, because she is not mentally well to be living at home.)
I have mentioned this once before about this suicide here, but for benefit of new readers, I would like to remind that mum did not take overdose to get rid of me, it was because of other things going on in her head at that time and my bastard dad being one of them not helping. I may as well just as been dead, when she took that overdose. A lesson maybe to mum, to think of others and treat herself kindly. But then maybe that would not have done anything either.

Memories of first thinking I ought to be dead based on before I was born, I remember having those first thoughts at the age of 11. These thoughts started because school was already hell being bullied and in fear of my dad and worried of mum’s breakdown where one day she disappeared and we wondered where she was. I am going to to bed that night on orders of my dad, while still no signs of mum and having to go to school next morning, still not knowing where mum was, until I got home from school.

As well as the question I should have been dead before I was born. I also have questioned why did my parents choose to have a kid? My dad was better with other people’s kids than his own. They would have a laugh with him. But I lived in fear. Yes. There were odd times, which were rare, that he did behave like a father. But they were short lived. I was a majoritly in fear of my dad, till he died in my teens.

Then we have my mum, who has had mental health issues before I was born. All I have known is her depressive cycles, as well as no confidence in herself, or faith in herself, so is it any wonder I had no confidence and faith in myself and it took me until an adult to find mine. Then we have those moments she stops taking her medication and if she doesn’t do that, it’s overdose. The full circle.

Mum needs counselling and my views have never changed on that. 8 sessions of counselling wouldn’t cover mum’s issues. She would need at least 3 times that. There are issues that stem back from when she was a kid, to being a young adult before having me, to then the damage done by bastard dad. But she won’t do it. Hence I can’t help my mum  anymore and, again having to step back because of my own sanity and being burntout by it all. I have heard the same stories over and over, since 9 years old to last year of my adult life. But mum has never had counselling for any of this and won’t.

I had to step away to not feel I was still locked into my childhood damage and, to try and get on with my own adult life. Because after all, I am still here and ever since I lost my cousin and her husband together in that car accident that killed them instantly as my long term readers know, I chose to live it for them and that is what I fight to continue to do. To live my life, that was took away from them.

I have always wanted a child of my own, but I will never be with a guy intimately. But as I revealed last year and my feelings still stand with this, I am so glad I have not had a child, because I would be putting that child through some shit I had.

The new Social Worker that my mum now has, is going to keep me updated. I can be involved as little, or as much as I want.
Yesterday’s conversation has been about fiances and nursing homes. I have expressed the two areas I would like my mum to stay in, which is either my area where I live, or her area where she lived and I have named two nursing homes my mum once mentioned to me years ago that she liked, when we did have conversations about it, if she ever had to be in one, as well as one she doesn’t want to be in.
I am naturally very upset it has come to nursing homes, as it wasn’t something I envisioned at this time in her life. It was instead to live as independently as possible. If it wasn’t for her mental health, she would be living just that way.

PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE. If you have things that are troubling you and you care about your family, but not wanting to face it, that haunts you in your past. I URGE YOU to face it, because if you don’t, it will drag you down and you will take your family and friends down with you, even if you don’t mean to, because they will worry for you if they genuinely care.
And if like me, they have had enough and what seems like they have walked away, it doesn’t mean they still don’t worry and care about you. We have to protect our own sanity too and we can’t help, if you are not willing to help yourself.
We are all in charge of our own mental health and there is help out there for it. BUT YOU HAVE TO USE IT.


© Elizabeth Fisher and My Wellbeing and Learning Journey.

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35 thoughts on “(TW) I should have been dead before I was born

    1. Thank you. I am feeling strong to say I have not had much sleep with questions going in round my mind, regarding my mum and the tears I have shed yesterday and this morning. But the Social Worker who I have only known via email since yesterday, has been great trying to answer, or some where she will seek those answers.

  1. I relate to this utterly and had to go away for a while after reading it and then come back to comment. I feel EXACTLY as you do Liz. Much love to you xx

  2. I’m glad she’s got a new social worker in place. That’s difficult news, but at least it means she will have adequate supports in place. And it’s good that they’re respecting the boundaries that you’ve set to protect yourself. Maybe having this long-term support in place will make it feasible to reopen the lines of communication at some point.

    1. I hope it will. But I have a feeling it won’t.
      With me having some other concerns, I learnt that when my mum does go in a home, it’s reviewed after 6 weeks, because sometimes some get better enough to go back home. I am still hoping on this, but I feel I will be in for disappointment.

      1. Yes. I am expecting my mum will remain in a nursing home, with how things have gone so far. So if it turns out the opposite, I will be surprised.

  3. I hope this doesn’t sound too deep, but I feel so understood after reading this. We had almost the exact same childhood issues, and I feel so better knowing that I wasn’t alone. Thanks for sharing this honest post, and for showing me that we can be make it through these trials. Please know that you’re in my heart and thoughts, I hope you have a good week. 💛

    1. Hi. I am glad it has helped you and sorry to hear you have had similar and can relate. I have been wanting to write something on these lines for a few months, but I had been holding myself back wondering if it was worth getting it out. But it has. ❤️

    1. Hi Andrew. I don’t know if you have done a typo here with your comment. But I am totally stumped as to why you are asking this question and wondering how you have caused me to have these feelings, when these feelings are based from my childhood?
      Hope you are ok.

      1. I was just thinking about what’s happened to me over the past few days

      2. What I have written is what I have wanted to express for the lat 6 months, or more. But I had been holding it off.

  4. Well said Liz, we all must look after our own mental health. It’s not healthy or fair on others if you carry it with you. I knew I had to get help before my sons became the next generation.
    I hope everything turns out well for your mum and for you Liz. You’ve had a terrible time for too long and you leed some peace in your life. Big hugs, Caz xx

    1. Thanks Caz.

      Once mum is in a nursing home and after a 6 week review mum still not mentally well to live at home, that down the line there still is no mother and daughter relationship, the only comfort I can take from this will be knowing mum is safe. X

      1. Oh of course Liz. Once she’s safe, wherever she is, you can sit back a bit and only visit when you’re ready. Of course, she’s your mum, but don’t you deserve a life of peace now Liz? Hugs, Caz x

      2. I do deserve a life of peace, Caz. Certainly making that hard decision of stepping back has done. At the moment my anxiety has risen knowing the latest about my mum that I hoped would never happen. But it remains that way, than that is what it is. But I will continue living mine knowing mum is safe.
        Anxiety is worrying about certain fiances with my mum. But the Social Worker is great supporting me, while she is doing what she needs to do for my mum. I am still upset about the situation with mum. But I am not in a crying snotty mess, as I was yesterday.
        I reminded myself today while working, on what working means to me, which is therapy as I have mentioned in other posts.
        I have then gone onto focusing those feelings I have when it comes to doing certain jobs and I have felt those feelings, which help me calm. I needed to get into focus on this as so I could hopefully prevent an asthma attack, as I had one yesterday come on unexpectedly with how I was then. X

      3. Good to know that the social worker is doing her job and taking caring of your mum. That’s her job noew 🙂 I’m glad today has been a better day for you Liz, and long may it continue my lovely. x

      4. Thank you. I will write more about mum and our relationship in the coming months/years, as things go on. X

  5. Very well said about speaking up and getting support as needed and facing what haunts you. For what it’s worth, while I’m so effin’ sorry for what you’ve been through because you never should have had to face even a fraction of what you have growing up let alone in recent times, I think you show great poise. No matter what’s happened, it hasn’t taken your soul or your compassion.Lots of love to you, Liz  ♥
    Caz xxxx

    1. To say I was a blubbering mess Monday and having a restless night that night, I thought I was going to lose it again. But I haven’t. I still feel strong since that day I decided to take a permanent step back in November, after having a temporary one before that.
      I will obviously get involved in mum’s care to make sure she is ok, to an extent. But it is easier knowing I can get involed as little, or as much as I want without pressure.
      The Social Worker who I only know via email since she first contacted me Friday and then went in discussion on Monday, followed by answering questions I had, that I left for her Tuesday morning has been very supportive.
      There were some she could not answer. But would find those out for me. But I felt a little reassured on the matter.

      When mum has a nursing home found, there will be a review at 6 weeks. If it still looks like mum will have to continue with nursing home, then means I will get involved with some of her things at her bungalow. Then when I have what I want and what mum might like at the nursing home, the Social Worker will arrange clearance of the rest. Other people would be involved at that point with the clearing of it.

      If it comes to mum being a nursing home, or a surprising turn ends up where she can live back at home, hopefully some point we can get mother and daughter relationship back. But I won’t rush it. I need to work at my pace now.

  6. I’m so sorry for your loss. I’m going to force myself to finally call my dad. Thank you for staying alive, the dead and living are greatful for your courage.

    1. Thank you. They were a lovely couple who were only a few years into their retirement, cut short. They were in good health and so had many year ahead. X

  7. I feel for you! I also agree 100% that seeking mental health help is not just for yourself, but for others too. I mean, if you want a family, you’d better get your shit together and if you have unresolved childhood issues or other trauma, counseling is something you should try at least. I’m so sorry your mother chose not to seek help and is now needing to go into a nursing home. I live in a care facility too and maybe I could’ve lived more independently if I tried harder, but I’m not sure. I do definitely want to resolve my trauma-related issues.

    Anyway, I”m so sorry you feel like you should have died before you were born. I can relate to those feelings, unfortunately.

    1. Thank you for your comment and I hope my post wasn’t too hard of a reading for you.
      There’s still a chance mum could be back at home. But it really does depend on her and how she responds once she is in one, as they do a review at the 6 weeks stage. But I am not holding my breath for this. I still don’t see a change happening.
      If still no change at the 6 weeks, then it will be nursing home permanently and she will lose her bungalow that she rents.

      1. I understand that. Thankfully, my husband and I own a home, so I still have someplace to go to if I don’t want to be in the care facility or if I want to be with my husband for a few days. I doubt with what you describe, your Mom will have changed significantly in those six weeks. By the way, your post wasn’t too hard for me at this point. I saw it in my feed reader a few days back, but then it was too hard on me to read.

      2. Mum was one time going to live with me. I put her name with me for council flat I was already on. But after over a few months of not showing co-operation and all of a sudden everything I did, I was in the wrong which was going back to when I was 13 years feeling, as I had it then, I thought I am not having it and took her name off. Mum has been under section for many months now and so I doubt there will be any change.

        Thank you for commenting. X

    1. I feel strong to say I have been in a snotty mess on Monday, after knowing it was going to be a nursing home for my mum.
      And with what I went through in childhood and how things have been at times since, yes, stronger than I probably realise at times. X

      1. I think the shit we go through in our childhood either breaks us or makes us, yes sometimes we may break for a while, but I always say.. You may have knocked me down but I will jump up stronger than before, and when Im starting to come out of a down I say this to myself and it really helps to make me jump back up, stronger and taller than before, you take care of yourself x

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