The day that comes when it’s time to leave this earth. I won’t fight it.

As much as I have looked forward to my future, I still feel the same.

What’s the point working for something hard, for it to slip through your fingers?

The idea of buying a house remains a dream. I am in no position to make it real next year. Without that dream being reality. The other I have of growing my own food, to save money, does not happen.
As much as I have changed my goals to make it more achievable, something comes to take it away.
And now after looking today, that dream slips further away, because now I need to save more than my original plan.

Do I just say fuck it and rent a house instead? I don’t want to be in this flat longer than a year, let alone 2 plus years? 

As much as I love my mum, I still feel the same that she should not have had me. And that is why I will never have children. I won’t pass on the same fucked life I have had. And it would have happened, had I already had a child. Just minus the dad part that I had.

Evening work is too much. Its tiring me and I don’t want to work there no more. I feel like the other cleaners now, who felt like that already when I first started. I feel dread in going.

And my morning job, the communal toilets I clean, there’s one lot of toilets that the way I find them, it’s being done deliberately. No respect for other businesses that have to use the toilets and it makes me feel low and worthless.

I think why bother?

Post that follows on from this:

The positives I think to try and outweigh the negatives

© Elizabeth Fisher and My Wellbeing and Learning Journey.

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34 thoughts on “The day that comes when it’s time to leave this earth. I won’t fight it.

  1. Even if life were different, you were meant to live this life. It’s impossible to live a life that isn’t our own, as much as we yearn for things to be different. I believe that life was already planned out for us, almost like it was pre-programmed. No matter what happens now and in the future, we’re supposed to be here for a reason. If life feels mundane to you, it may be that you’re struggling to find your authentic self. That’s the true you… the real you.

    I highly recommend watching YouTube videos about this stuff. There’s some deep topics here that could be explored more. Re: philosophy, metaphysics, and psychology. Fascinating stuff.

    1. Thanks for your comment. I know what I want in life, but there is always something that stops it. I wouldn’t want a repeat of my life and I wouldn’t wish it on others.
      As much as there are good you tube videos out there, when subtitled, I don’t have the internet allowance to watch.

      1. That sucks that you don’t have internet to binge watch YouTube videos. My guilty pleasure is binging on podcasts which requires internet. Books are another great option although I can’t list any titles off the top of my head. The Power of Now I think was one of them, but I never read it….

        Same here. I wouldn’t wish my life on anyone. I was dealt a bad deck cards and I’ve been working on getting better cards all my life. People assume my life is sunshine and rainbows but what they don’t see is everything else. I guess we are all dealing with our inner demons, eh?

      2. My binge watch it dvd’s. So that’s my fix, when not walking, which walking has been less since Coronavirus.

  2. Liz, I understand exactly where you are coming from, and have shared exactly the same feelings. The same thing has happened to me also. Just when I think something good is happening or may happen in the future it is immediately snatched away from me so I do understand that feeling. I can also understand how absolutely exhausted you must feel with working two jobs which seem to be very taxing at the moment and eating away at your own sense of self worth and respect. You are not being given the respect you deserve at work and that is wrong but sadly this happens all too often. I know that the cleaners job is very very hard. You are at the mercy of others. And this eats away at you. It is not what you desire or want for your life either now or in the future. You obviously have things in life that you would love to be able to do like buying your own house or growing your own vegetables and I totally understand this for I too would love to grow my own vegetables. Fortunately we do own a house but there are so many problems with it at this moment but I am wondering if it is worth it. I understand your feelings that when it comes your time to go you will not fight. I too have felt this and still feel it. So I understand that also. My own family were abusive and terrible and my remaining sister and brother are the same way as my parents. However we have to try and find a way through and I am doing just that right now often being tempted to end it all for myself but that is something that I will never ever do. But like you if my time came I would not fight it. All I can do at this moment I send you hugs and love and the knowledge that someone in this world understands how you feel. Much love to you Liz ❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️

    1. Thank you for your hugs, Lorraine and comment.
      My employers are respectful, but like morning for example, same gents toilet and same issues, from same business. It’s a right shit hole and it csn be worse than I found it today. But yes as you say, it can eat away when there is someone deliberately doing it. No respect for cleaner. But no respect for those others that share these toilets as well.
      Evening job is the tiring one now. As much as boss says do what you can, it don’t make you feel any better that there is too much to do and can’t do it to standard you know you did before. So this one is taxing me.
      It was so great when I had my weekend at home, to me. Just me. I am waiting for another weekend like it, or similar to it.

  3. Sorry to hear you’re feeling like this at the moment Liz and I hope it will pass. I appreciate how sometimes, we wish we hadn’t been born and think we have no point here on this planet. I’ve felt similar over the years, and particularly when I became physical sick and medically retired. I felt useless and that now my sons had nothing to be proud of me for.

    Blogging has actually given me a new lease of life, where I sometimes feel useful. I still have suicidal thoughts and feel really low at times, but I do visualisation and mindfulness to help me through.

    I hope you find a way through this and that it will pass for you too Liz. Hugs x

    1. Thank you and thank you for sharing your experiences. I’m sure it will pass. I have another post planned soon, to follow on from this, that gives an idea on how I work things through.
      Yes, blogging helps, in lots of ways. X

  4. Liz we are all going through the same things. Until the virus was thrown at us life was beginning to change and improve. Everything I had planned has been put on hold for the sake of flights, and people returning to work. Everyone of us is living on a prayer. We are all feeling stifled not just you. You do worthwhile jobs perhaps you need to change the direction of your work you seem more qualified to do a better job. Life experiences has taught you much.

    Your right perhaps renting a house would be better until things settle down you may not wish to live a long time in that area and at least you could grow your own food in the garden. Buying a property is good but they can get you stuck in a place should you want to move around. Until you calm and relax more to understand where you would like to go, renting is a good option.

    You need to be careful with the videos on self-development some of them are very untrue and misleading and you end up with more problems than you started off with.

    I believe you are doing fine with your own self-analysis.

    Bless you and take care.

    1. I shall certainly carry on doing my own self analysis, than videos. Otherwise my counsellor.
      The area I am happy to be in, so buying is certainly one day on the cards. I’m just not using it as a focus anymore.
      Renting is not an option right now, as nothing going. But mentally, I don’t need another upheaval.
      I have another post to hopefully appear soon. When I can get it to air, to show how I work through difficult days, like this one. I am just having issues trying to air it.

    1. Thanks. I am working through it. I will get through as I do. I hope to share what I do, or starting to do in parts as my working through on this, in another post today. I am just having issues with airing. (Looking like my internet.)

      1. Internet fine with commenting and elsewhere, but dropped everytime I hit publish.
        I also had an issue dropping, when going to comments directly to publish two comments that didn’t pop up under the notification bell.

  5. I am sorry things are not working out the way you hoped Liz. The job thing sucks, and some people are animals in their personal habits. We cannot understand how people can live that way, and it’s sickening that other people have to clear up after them.
    I am glad you are working through your problems. Personally I have always found it helps to write things down, pros and cons sort of thing, then sleep on it and read it the following day.
    As for a house, have you considered shared equity? You buy a share in the property and pay rent on the rest. Some schemes are really good and you have the option to buy a bigger percentage later. I must confess I don’t know exactly how it works though and it can have its drawbacks, especially if properties devalue, but it might work for you.
    Sending you some hugs and positive vibes.

    1. Thanks for your comment.
      I have looked before at the shared ownership thing. I am a bit cautious about this one. Rather buy outright.

      1. So were we, but I thought I’d mention it. It’s not easy getting on the property ladder these days. They always seem to put some other obstacle in your way.

      2. I am wary it costing more, because of the rent you would still have to pay for remainder not. There is the extra fees each time you take another percentage of the property. It feels a gamble to me.
        I also read one time, which don’t know if true, you don’t always get the chance of full ownership.

      3. Ah. It is a bigger gamble than I thought then, even though they had changed some of the conditions to what they were. Extra fees for owning more, and the possibility of not aiming for owning it outright seems a con. We got caught in negative equity with our first house so had a mortgage on it that far exceeded the value. Shared equity was popular at the time, but then the market crashed and people we knew were left with mortgages of £20,000 plus rent on £20,000 on properties valued at only £17,000. The only winners were the lenders, as if property increased and you sold, they got percentage of the proceeds. If property devalued as this did in the ’90s, you still owed the full amount. We wouldn’t get a mortgage today anyway, or a loan for that matter, but when we sold our cottage in 2014, I asked the bank how much they’d lend us, purely out of interest. I don’t know who laughed the loudest, the Bank Manager or us.

      4. That reminds me on the selling part. If there was a reason you chose to sell your percentage and bearing in mind what you may have done to the property in the meantime, you would lose out with not owning a majority.
        I think it’s a bit of a con the shared ownership. I have looked at this twice. Last year and the first time when it not long came out. Looks good at first. But when you read more into it, you start humming and arring. So I am very cautious and not trusting of this route.
        I am just going to have to hold tight my reigns. Enjoy now, the present and just save. But long goal saving for, I won’t look into that until I actually have funds.

      5. Personally from what you’ve said, I think I would definitely give it a wide berth Liz.
        Two of our wide beam bot acquaintances sold up and purchased a park home. When we looked into it, we discovered negative ‘conditions’ with some sites and the small print of being tied to your ‘landlord’. still paying ground rent, and if you sold, only through them,. You could be expected to upgrade as and when, again only through them, and if they decided they wanted to move your unit, they could!
        I am glad when we sold our boat we were in a position to buy our property outright, but our budget was tight as not only did we have to buy the house and cover all our legal fees, but furnish it as well as we had nothing. A new boiler had not been on the cards, so we had very little for more than a few months!
        Your long term plan is sound Liz. Good luck. It will be worth it.

      6. I first looked into park homes in my 20’s because the price was so appealing until I looked into it more and it wasn’t. The upgrading of the home though, did not know about. I wouldn’t want that upheaval.

      7. I don’t like her (she upset my Mum once and that was not allowed) and thinks she’s the bees knees. She felt we were better suited to a park home than living on a boat. They had a 12th share in a narrow boat and she ‘knew all about the pitfalls’. We were liveaboards for 3 years and loved it!

      8. Anyone who are like that, don’t go down well with me.
        I have once come across that type and I ended up having my say on a matter with how she trreated me. I was very surprised when I finished, she didn’t have something to say back. But she was speechless.
        This person basically jumped the gun about me and got it all wrong. I evrn had witnesses who backed me up to say I didn’t say what she thought I had said and that I was talking about me. Not her.

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