My feelings – part 12

If I could stay in bed for I don’t know how many days and sulk it out I would. But I get up.

It’s important I get up, as I have my morning job to go to. The only job that feels secure right now.

The evening one that isn’t, with how that job makes me feel already, now makes it even more harder to be arsed to go to.
I sent an email to them, the day after bank holiday saying exactly how I feel about this since our team meeting. I feel better for doing that, even if nothing comes of it in the end.

I have always gave more than my 100% in a job, from ever since I left school and worked, but with how things once again go for me, I just wonder why bloody bother?

Why bother chasing for dreams, that end up being dreams still?

Regardless how I feel, I have my regular weekly chats with my neighbour, over a cuppa. Or we are out walking. Sometimes our meet ups maybe twice a week, even if I am just sat outside the flat a bit.

I don’t want mum in the care home she is currently in and I won’t be at rest until she is somewhere different. Preferably one of her choices of two places once discussed years ago, as I will mention in an upcoming post soon.

© Elizabeth Fisher and My Wellbeing and Learning Journey.

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8 thoughts on “My feelings – part 12

  1. I often get the feeling of wishing I could stay in bed all day and ‘sulk it out’. If it weren’t so painful to lie there I probably would! 😂 I’m not sure what to say, Liz. You are someone who is so incredibly hardworking and caring, yet you come across a lot of roadblocks and end up feeling like you don’t get anywhere. I don’t know why it often seems that way. “Good guys finish last” perhaps, as the saying goes. I hope that writing that email to the employer after the meeting at least helped you get your feelings off your chest, and I’ll keep my fingers something good comes from it. If not, you’ll deal with it. And you’ll get your mum’s care home sorted out. It’s just a lot for you to manage when you shouldn’t have to. You’re a trooper, but go easy on yourself and keep enjoying the downtime with DVDs and chats with your neighbour.

    I recently spoke with my ex. He’s busy doing bugger all, and has been for months now. Anyway, I bust my ass off when I’m unwell to try to earn peanuts. I don’t have benefits and after I lost my main job because of surgeries, it felt like the world was closing in. It makes me feel like ‘what’s the point’ because I can work all hours of the day every single day when I’m just able able to, and I get so little to show for it. My ex has, he tells me, been getting full whack universal credit since the start of lockdown. His mum also gave him thousands and thousands of pounds as a gift to fund a course he wants to do next month (won’t get into that but I hated the way he spoke about all of this, so bloody selfish). Even with paying nothing for where he’s staying with his dad, and even with the money he’s got in the bank, he gets around £400 a month free. I’m not eligible and I do kind of prefer knowing I’ve tried, that I’ve done something even if it’s making me more poorly. How?! Sometimes the ones that put the effort in just get kicked in the face while others get things easier. I don’t know why, but I hope you can keep going, Liz. There have to be better, easier days to enjoy at some point. Sending hugs. And sorry for the rant in trying to make a point. I guess I’m pretty riled up.

    Caz xx

    1. Hey Caz. Rant on and I was nodding reading what you were saying and certainly have felt why those that try get knocked back, but others seem to get handed on a plate. So yeah, I have had those feelings.
      Walking and dvd’s are going to be my go to, that’s for sure to get me through these difficult times.
      My post on more about the care home I think airs tomorrow. I heard from Social Worker on that, so I added accordingly the latest to that post.
      I have ordered some walking shoes, so I hope my feet don’t change anytime soon. I’d like to wear these out.

      If your ex got Universal Credit during Coronavirus, he like many others will end up having to earn that by looking for work, if he is unemployed currently and can look for work, otherwise he will be sanctioned.
      But yeah to be given money also by parents while living free, he’s got it good. Makes ya sick. Sorry for saying that. But being honest. I so understand frustration. Xx

  2. That sounds so frustrating. I’m glad that you at least have the get-togethers with your neighbour to have something pleasant in your week.

    1. We will be going for a walk again Saturday, or Monday, whether depending. Also have a rhubarb crumble brought up to me yesterday that was made.

      1. I will be looking forward to it, but my neighbour will too. Its a new walk for both of us to see where it goes.

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