My feelings – Part 5

Since last post, My feelings – Part 4. I have felt :

  • Anger (But not as to the level I last experienced in my 20’s, that I had up to this month, from December.)
  • Anxiety
  • Tension

The tension I noticed was related to my anger.

The anxiety was brought on by a particular conversation via email, from my mum’s social worker.

I have had a couple of down days, but they have not been bad and an odd tired day. But My Vision Board and Gratitude Wall has helped me to keep going and stay focused.

 

© Elizabeth Fisher and My Wellbeing and Learning Journey.

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My feelings – Part 4

A short post on feelings I have felt since last post; My feelings – part 3.

  • Feeling low
  • Tired (although since after Christmas, it looks like it’s improving.)
  • Anger
  • Frustrated
  • And the time I felt nothing. Like I put a wall up for a while. (As I blogged in previous post : Chit-chat catch up – part 1 of 2)
  • ‘Shit happens’ I dusted off and not seen for a while attitude. (As I blogged in previous post: Chit-chat catch up – part 1 of 2

 

© Elizabeth Fisher and My Wellbeing and Learning Journey.

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Cutting ties

After my set back with my mental health after choosing to see my mum that time, when I called at the ward to deal with her financial affairs, I have decided to cut ties with my mum.
Whether this turns out to be permanent thing, remains to be seen.
But I know I have to do this if I am to move forward with life, to concentrate on me, to live and enjoy my life and keep my mental health, healthy.
I know how I improved, when I chose to take that break for a few months from my mum. But the minute I was back, it put me on a downward spiral.

Regardless mum doesn’t want me to visit her while on the ward, as she once texted before, little does mum realise that my feelings of not being around, came probably sooner.
Mum also still wanted me to do some things on that very short visit, which I said no, because one, you don’t want me here and so I can’t do those that you ask, as I would have to come back to pass them you back, when you do need them. And two, after today, I am not coming back.
I also reminded her that she would need her bank card to pay her rent while she was in, which I said she can do over the phone while here and I am sure the staff will assist you with that. That conversation followed by not trusting them… which I replied before going, that is what you are going to have to start doing from now on, because after choosing to stop taking your medication, throwing away your help and not helping yourself, I am not picking up the pieces no more. Which followed on with another response of, well I will just lose my bungalow. I’m not paying. I reminded her for the last time, do what you like, because as I say, I won’t be pickin up the pieces. It’s your mess.

The time that I choose to see my mum, is when and if it happens, that she is back living in the community with her support in place.
I also won’t visit immediately when this happens, as I will be leaving my mum be for some months, so that hopefully she gets the idea I won’t be there and she will use that support.
And when I am ready to visit, it will only be when mum invites. I’m not inviting myself.

Mum will have to realise that if we are ever going to have a mother and daughter relationship again, it’s going to take long and slowly does it work.

 

© Elizabeth Fisher and My Wellbeing and Learning Journey.

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Thoughts and feelings

Glad I don’t have children

One time, I always wanted my own child, or maybe adopt. But after the last relationship I was in, I knew it wasn’t going to happen. (I wasn’t going to waste my years in another relationship to not go somewhere.) I later learnt by accident via Google, that he turned out to be jailed after abusing a child, as my long term readers will know from when I blogged anout it here. So with the disgust of knowing that, which created my own triggers from past as well as new ones at that time of discovery, I swore blind no one would touch me again, as well as definitely staying single. Which that remains.

But with how things have been with my mum and how I am from the effects of it, I am so glad I don’t have children. What I have felt in my childhood and as an adult, would now be repeated and passed on in some form. I wouldn’t want to put them through it.

Lows and highs for today

I can only foucus only on a day at a time. Each day is a mental struggle. If I try to focus on anything more than a day, even for the positive things, I just find it overwhelming.

I have had a few little highs this morning, that just perked my morning a little.
After my morning job was done, I chose to walk through the nature reserve, as I was going to my local supermarket and there is way off the reserve that brings you to it. On my travel through the reserve, I seen a heron and oh my, I was really close. I have seen a heron before, but not as close as I was today. I wasn’t able to get a photo unfortunately, as it flew off.
My other pick me up was while I was in the supermarket. I came across an apple pie that was actually vegan and it wasn’t expensive. Which makes a change. It was under £2. I am going to be enjoying this with dairy-free custard today and tomorrow.

Photo of packaging of my vegan apple pie

 

© Elizabeth Fisher and My Wellbeing and Learning Journey.

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Blog post re-share : Apps I find help my mental health. — Life with the Hazelwoods

I have tried three of the apps mentioned in this post and, the one I am going to stick with and see how I go longer term with, will be the Calm Harm app.

It’s all about finding what what works for you.
I am mostly a paper based person, as that’s easier for me. But I have tried apps in the past and found a lot not suitable for me, in different ways. But the Calm Harm on first impressions is good and, although I don’t self-harm, I have been feeling suicidal, as well as having anxiety and depression,
I think this app can help for those too.

Do you use apps?

Do visit this bloggers post and comment there.

When your phone is always in your hand it’s quick and easy to download apps that can help when you’re in a bad place. I downloaded calm harm first. It’s been the best app ever for me. It’s completely personalised and you need a password so nobody else will open it. It’s made for people […]

via Apps I find help my mental health. — Life with the Hazelwoods

My thoughts

I am not going to go too deep in my thoughts, but lets start with when I first decided it was time for counselling. My private one I will be having in under 2 weeks, paid for by work. (Just 6 sessions are paid for by work.) When I filled the assessment form, it required next of kin details. For the first time I wrote none, because it’s not like my mum is available as next of kin. Mum can’t decide for herself, let alone me, if something came to the worst.

Maybe you are in a similar situation of having no next of kin. Maybe you have. Do feel free to comment.

So who do you put down for next of kin, when you have no one?

I know from researching and asking for advice back in August, that I am not forced to put down next of kin. So this looks like how it will be from now on for me and where I do know I have my mum down as next of kin on my records, I may start removing.

I had to visit the ward today so I could see a staff member in charge of my mum, regarding some personal affairs, after checking on her bungalow and mail today. I hope they will be dealt with. I hope they dealt with the other, because what I was reading today made me wonder.

I chose to see my mum, but told them how I have been and am at that point I was there. I only managed 5 minutes with my mum and it wasn’t a pleasant experience. In that 5 minutes mum spoke about:

  • Germs in space
  • Wanted me to save her savings book and bank card, which I said no, because she will need that. I have saved it before, for her. But I am not now.
  • Wanted to know how I knew she was there
  • Convinced she is well
  • Told me to keep away while she’s there like she told me to before. (Even though mum has tried to make contact in between.)

Mum is very unwell in the way I expected. I don’t know when my next visit will be, but it will be no time soon. I can’t see mum being home for Christmas and I still feel like I have no mum. A feeling that I have had for some time now.

Our relationship won’t be the same again. And that’s if there will be ever one.

I still feel there is a chance my mum won’t be around by Christmas, regardless she is in a safe place. The only comfort I have, is knowing my mum is in a safe place.

Now, after this post airs, I am dealing with all the charities that ask for fucking money, or send raffle tickets to sell. Mum has not helped half of these and there are charities that I have never heard of. But whether she has helped or not, I am fucking telling them where to go. Those that know the full extent of this and what mum does, will know where I am coming from. But mum is like any other elderly person in the UK ; more fucking charity mail on her doorstep than what should be expected on her doorstep.

 

© Elizabeth Fisher and My Wellbeing and Learning Journey.

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My counselling has been sought

This morning for a final attempt of knowing where I stand, I emailed the NHS provider to see how long their waiting list is. Also, as my assessment would be face to face because I can’t hear on the phone and they not doing it any other way, (compared to elsewhere), would my counselling follow immediately after assessment, or would I have a further wait?

I also emailed, again, via the work provider asking for an update, today, so I know whether they are going to look for a counsellor, or not.

Last night, I emailed a private counsellor, out of curiosity to see what her waiting time was, should I choose to have counselling with her.

Finally, I know where I stand, as my counselling has now been sought and I now have a date. The ones provided via a work programme got back to me with one, checking with me first to see if this one would be ok before booking it and it was, because it was local this time. So in under 2 weeks, I will be going to my first counselling appointment.
My work place only pay for up to 6 sessions I was told at the start of asking more about the counselling service originally. But if more was needed, they could ask the employer. If it comes to this, I won’t get them to ask work, as I don’t expect work to pay for further and so should I be happy with this counsellor, I would continue and pay myself.
I have looked up this counsellor already, so I know who she is, where to go, qualifications and fees. The fees are less than a counsellor I would have gone for elsewhere. So if I do continue, I know I will have already saved money by using this counsellor, than originally the other.
I plan to have a bus ride and walk up to the street where this counsellor is based, just to be sure I know I will find it ok, before my appointment day.

Should counselling not feel right with this counsellor, I still all being well, will have the other one I queried myself, as a back up and I would make an appointment with, should I hear from that one. But I have a feeling it won’t come to that.

 

© Elizabeth Fisher and My Wellbeing and Learning Journey.

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Has anyone arranged their own private counselling because of waiting so long on NHS?

I know there has been people that have waited much longer than 3 months in the past for counselling, when I have heard in 3 months.

I’m feeling more desperate for counselling than all the times I have felt desperate before. But then, I did not have suicidal thoughts.

Currently, I have been waiting over 2 months for counselling on the NHS and that would be a face to face assessment appointment, because of them doing it no other way than over phone. So I don’t even know if my counselling would start straight after this, or I’d be  waiting further and after this post, Counselling- I thought it be too be true, I am debating whether I should sort out counselling myself. I have looked and see there are counsellors practically on my doorstep, or a bit further in walking. But still local. I see their prices and for me to afford I would have to make sure my counselling was either at least fortnightly, or a monthly basis.

Has anyone else gone the private route, because waiting on the NHS route took too long?

 

© Elizabeth Fisher and My Wellbeing and Learning Journey.

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Following on from yesterday’s post

(This post comes with a trigger warning, as it discuses suicide.)

Following on from yesterday’s post, Counselling, I heard same day from a counsellor via the work programme, who texted me in the evening.
This person wanted to ask me a few questions, which I answered and to see how I was feeling.
Most importantly, because of mentioning suicide on the assessment form, this person wanted to know if I felt safe that night and asked if I had any plans to end my life. Which I said I was feeling low, but had no plans to, because I don’t want to hurt my friends, like my mum has hurt me.
A few more questions were asked and I was given a couple of places I could use, should I need to use them in a crisis. So I have these details on my phone and on paper, should I need to, quick to hand.
I was also asked if it was ok for them to contact my GP, asking if the GP knew of my suicidal thoughts. I said how my GP knew of my difficulties, but not suicidal thoughts, because then, I did not have them.

Today, I heard from my doctors surgery and I had an appointment made in the afternoon to talk about my feelings.
This GP I had not been before and so another doctor I like at this practice. I see her again in a couple of weeks, to see how I am doing. Hopefully, I will already be having counselling, so she can see how I am doing with that and go from there.

The person who contacted me from the programme will keep me updated with anything I need to know, along with when they source me a local counsellor, which they usually get set up within 10 days.
Until I see the counsellor, the idea is using either of those contacts, if I have a crisis. Both available 24 hours a day, 7 days a week.

My doctor I seen this afternoon also said should I feel worser that I feel I can’t cope, to come in sooner. Until then, we talked about the things I do that help and if I have anyone I feel I can talk to, etc. How walking is good for mental health, which I do.
Also, while I am as I am, it would be best not to see my mum, till I felt more better and to not feel bad about it. To do it when ready, as to keep me safe.

 

© Elizabeth Fisher and My Wellbeing and Learning Journey.

Unauthorised use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to My Wellbeing and Learning Journey with appropriate and specific direction to the original content. But Guest Posts that feature on my blog are not allowed at all to be duplicated.

Counselling

So as you know, I am waiting for counselling on the NHS after my difficulties of this year, messing with my own mental health. I have already been waiting over 2 months for my assessment. (I thought it was getting on 3 months.)

Via a programme that I automatically have access to, as part of me being an employee with my evening job, counselling services is one of them.
I started wondering that if I contacted them, would I possibly get in quicker? So I queried. It turns out I would, because as soon as I have filled in my assesment form, they will source a counsellor within 10 working days.
So I have filled in my form and sent it back in an email today.

 

© Elizabeth Fisher and My Wellbeing and Learning Journey.

Unauthorised use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to My Wellbeing and Learning Journey with appropriate and specific direction to the original content. But Guest Posts that feature on my blog are not allowed at all to be duplicated.