How is everyone doing?

With restrictions still in place for some more weeks to come, our world isn’t going to change anytime soon. But I did not expect them to be lifted just yet. It would have been crazy to lift them at this point and our efforts would have been wasted. So it’s good to know this is staying in place, as hard as it will be for us.

Last Friday became a moment where I had a melt down, while at work. A couple of bloggers know this via comments.
It just got a bit much wth regarding my mum and getting my head round the nursing homes idea, and the restrictions in place that limit where I can go.
But what really made me melt, was seeing in last couple of days how some people are just not observing these restrictions. So it got me really frustrated and upset until I broke.
I have seen people hanging out in groups of three and here’s me, like a majority of us, playing by the rules. What the hell are these people playing at? I stay in, unless it’s work, or groceries. That’s the only time I am out, as well as picking up my prescription, which I need to do that tomorrow.
I don’t stay in for the likes of others to hang out in groups of three!

I know I am not alone in these feelings, because I have read other blog posts too where they feel exactly the same on this and frustrated by it.

I am so glad I am working, because going by how I am finding it more difficult now, regardless how much I challenge myself in finding good stuff to occupy me with, I think I would have been more of a mess had I not been working.

Also, when restrictions do eventually lift, things aren’t going to be the same and I am concerned with one thing that I have been reading, that the Government is thinking of doing. But they want to get full facts together first, before making a decision. That’s face masks. This was on my mind Friday too, so this broke me in addition to the frustration of those who think it is ok to go about in groups of three. If face masks are going to be enforced, then that is a barrier to me. How do I lipread someone with a mask?
The world is not accessible to me as it should be now at times, when it comes to communication. So my fear is how harder is my life going to get communication wise, if face masks are enforced.

I would be only willing to use a face mask, if say like on a bus, because you can’t have that 2 meter distance there. But everyone else will have to wear them too.
The other time would be in a medical setting, like a hospital.

Wearing a mask protects others. It doesn’t protect you. I have chosen not to wear one, for the simple reason that I do not want to increase my risk of infection, because of me touching my face, to adjust that mask, through the day. (I have asthma for those that don’t know.)

So my future fear, until it is made certain by the UK Government, is just how more difficult my life will become as a deaf person? because at any point through out the day I come across someone wearing a face mask, who wants to talk to me, I am going to look confused back, indicating to the removal of the mask, because I can’t hear, or bloody lipread, until they do.

How are you doing? 

 

© Elizabeth Fisher and My Wellbeing and Learning Journey.

Unauthorised use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to My Wellbeing and Learning Journey with appropriate and specific direction to the original content. (But Guest Posts that feature on my blog are not allowed at all to be duplicated, as that is their copyright.)

(TW) I should have been dead before I was born

(This post comes with a trigger warning of death. )

My life has been one difficult mess. It’s what I have known since a child, but it doesn’t make it any easier. But after having finally enough last year and becoming suicidal between August to October very strongly, that temporary break had to be more of a permanent one in November from my mum. Hoping mum would once do something for herself, using the support around and then just maybe a mother and daughter relationship could be salvaged.

Well that salvage of mum and daughter I don’t see that happening after recent, updated events and makes me question even more, I should have just been dead before I was born, when mum took that overdose while carrying me. (My mum will be going to a nursing home facility, because she is not mentally well to be living at home.)
I have mentioned this once before about this suicide here, but for benefit of new readers, I would like to remind that mum did not take overdose to get rid of me, it was because of other things going on in her head at that time and my bastard dad being one of them not helping. I may as well just as been dead, when she took that overdose. A lesson maybe to mum, to think of others and treat herself kindly. But then maybe that would not have done anything either.

Memories of first thinking I ought to be dead based on before I was born, I remember having those first thoughts at the age of 11. These thoughts started because school was already hell being bullied and in fear of my dad and worried of mum’s breakdown where one day she disappeared and we wondered where she was. I am going to to bed that night on orders of my dad, while still no signs of mum and having to go to school next morning, still not knowing where mum was, until I got home from school.

As well as the question I should have been dead before I was born. I also have questioned why did my parents choose to have a kid? My dad was better with other people’s kids than his own. They would have a laugh with him. But I lived in fear. Yes. There were odd times, which were rare, that he did behave like a father. But they were short lived. I was a majoritly in fear of my dad, till he died in my teens.

Then we have my mum, who has had mental health issues before I was born. All I have known is her depressive cycles, as well as no confidence in herself, or faith in herself, so is it any wonder I had no confidence and faith in myself and it took me until an adult to find mine. Then we have those moments she stops taking her medication and if she doesn’t do that, it’s overdose. The full circle.

Mum needs counselling and my views have never changed on that. 8 sessions of counselling wouldn’t cover mum’s issues. She would need at least 3 times that. There are issues that stem back from when she was a kid, to being a young adult before having me, to then the damage done by bastard dad. But she won’t do it. Hence I can’t help my mum  anymore and, again having to step back because of my own sanity and being burntout by it all. I have heard the same stories over and over, since 9 years old to last year of my adult life. But mum has never had counselling for any of this and won’t.

I had to step away to not feel I was still locked into my childhood damage and, to try and get on with my own adult life. Because after all, I am still here and ever since I lost my cousin and her husband together in that car accident that killed them instantly as my long term readers know, I chose to live it for them and that is what I fight to continue to do. To live my life, that was took away from them.

I have always wanted a child of my own, but I will never be with a guy intimately. But as I revealed last year and my feelings still stand with this, I am so glad I have not had a child, because I would be putting that child through some shit I had.

The new Social Worker that my mum now has, is going to keep me updated. I can be involved as little, or as much as I want.
Yesterday’s conversation has been about fiances and nursing homes. I have expressed the two areas I would like my mum to stay in, which is either my area where I live, or her area where she lived and I have named two nursing homes my mum once mentioned to me years ago that she liked, when we did have conversations about it, if she ever had to be in one, as well as one she doesn’t want to be in.
I am naturally very upset it has come to nursing homes, as it wasn’t something I envisioned at this time in her life. It was instead to live as independently as possible. If it wasn’t for her mental health, she would be living just that way.

PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE. If you have things that are troubling you and you care about your family, but not wanting to face it, that haunts you in your past. I URGE YOU to face it, because if you don’t, it will drag you down and you will take your family and friends down with you, even if you don’t mean to, because they will worry for you if they genuinely care.
And if like me, they have had enough and what seems like they have walked away, it doesn’t mean they still don’t worry and care about you. We have to protect our own sanity too and we can’t help, if you are not willing to help yourself.
We are all in charge of our own mental health and there is help out there for it. BUT YOU HAVE TO USE IT.
ONLY YOU CAN PUT THE WORK INTO IT, TO MOVE FORWARD.
I URGE YOU TO DO IT.

 

© Elizabeth Fisher and My Wellbeing and Learning Journey.

Unauthorised use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to My Wellbeing and Learning Journey with appropriate and specific direction to the original content. (But Guest Posts that feature on my blog are not allowed at all to be duplicated, as that is their copyright.)

My feelings – part 7

So this post of my feelings, is all related to the Coronavirus. I just hope, as I write and dissect my feelings here, that it’s not confusing for you, as I am trying to work out myself what is going in on my own head.
But I thought I would write it, because as well as helping me, it will probably help you too. Maybe you will relate as well.

Some of it you will have read before in my earlier posts, but as you progress, there will be new.

Ok. So here are go…

So… as you know, I am 100% angry of the selfish hoarders, stockpiling more than they need. Showing they are only thinking of themselves.
You know from this, I am concerned just how many elderly and vulnerable, will still be vulnerable.

As you also know, since all this started, I have said how I was more worried about people’s reactions, than the virus itself. I also said I wasn’t worried catching the virus, even though I have asthma and deemed high risk.
But I was worried about the elderly and vulnerable catching it. Including my mum.

Now, the following is new thoughts and feelings since. Let’s see how I do writing this.

A couple of days ago, I started to feel panic. Now bearing in mind this panic is creeping in for the first time, yet I am still not worried about me getting the virus.

I have changed tatics too, since that day the panic came in.
I chose to walk to my evening work, rather than sometimes catching the bus that I sometimes do. It’s not far anyway.
I did this because I thought, I would feel safer to walk than be enclosed in, on the bus. Reduce the risk.
So to say I had these thoughts and feelings these past couple of days and I have no fear of catching it myself, I am confused of that panic I felt and my new tatics.
I must say though, I did go on the bus this morning, back home. I didn’t panic. I felt fine. But this evening, I walked and I will do the same tomorrow. Both ways.

I have been feeling down odd times still, since last week and I crave the weekend for peace and quiet at home. Speaking of which, I have decided I am not going to join in with the local litter picking this Saturday. I just want to be a hermit at home.

Tonight at work, I have become upset.
A work colleague texted me to let me know I would need to let my boss know about me having asthma, with it being classed high risk. Which I know I am high risk since this all began. She is off work herself now because they wouldn’t let her continue to work because of her condition being high risk.
She reassured me I would still be paid my full wages, if they decide the same with me. So I am glad about that. But here’s the but for me.
I understand that they are protecting their employees, but I am hoping they let me continue to work. Work is my therapy. It always has been. I am happy to continue working.
If I had still been working at the hospital, I’m sure my feelings would be different and I probably would have been scared too of the virus.
Me having asthma is no big secret and when I had huge problems with it last year, they knew of my troubles with it, so I am surprised really that they haven’t come to me first, rather than the other way round, if I should have said.
So tonight, I sent an email to my boss, which was a pleading one on why I need to continue to work. So he will see this tomorrow if he is at work. Which I think he will be. But if not, then our other boss is attached to this email too, so she will see it as well, as they share their workload between them.
So tomorrow, I will probably learn of my fate whether they will let me continue, or not. I’m not sure if it’s them in the end that makes that decision, or someone else.
As I say, I am aware it’s to protect me. But I really need to work. It’s my therapy. So I feel upset right now, at the possibility of not beingable to continue, until this virus all blows over.
Because of doing this, in this job, I have messaged my other employer now, to remind him of my asthma, in case he has a similar procedure. So my message is of the same pleading kind.

 

© Elizabeth Fisher and My Wellbeing and Learning Journey.

Unauthorised use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to My Wellbeing and Learning Journey with appropriate and specific direction to the original content. (But Guest Posts that feature on my blog are not allowed at all to be duplicated, as that is their copyright.)

My feelings – Part 6: That ache in the centre of my chest

I may not talk about my mum much, but mum is never far from my thoughts. I just try not to dwell on whatever future lies ahead and the awfulness of last year that went on, because if I do, then I will be only in the state as I was last year.

I have that ache in the centre of my chest, which I have been aware of since  late November, to early December time. I have allowed myself to acknowledge that ache and I mentioned it in my last session with my counsellor. It feels worser if I have certain thoughts/worries about my mum, that can sometimes nearly overtake. But if I continue to focus on myself and my goals, that I need to continue to do now, since I had to make those changes last year, that ache gets duller.

I can’t allow those thoughts to overtake, because it’s the unknown. The unknown I have no control over that. When and if it happens, it happens. That is when it’s dealt with. Any difficulties in myself, I will go back to my counsellor.

I get updates about my mum from a Social Worker as you know. When there are updates. I have not heard from the ward for a while so whether this is because I have the social worker involved now. I don’t know. Or whether it’s because on my last visit in November when I visited mum, which I left in 5 minutes because I couldn’t cope, I had revealed prior to staff, that I have been struggling and feeling suicidal, when they asked how I was. But receiving my own support. So they knew I wasn’t a danger to myself.

I wait until I hear any updates. I don’t ask myself, because I don’t want to open those doors again and find me getting involved like before and going back to where I was before. That’s the Social Workers role now and my mum will have to accept that. I can’t help someone, who won’t help themselves. (This is all I have known with my mum.) I gave all the help mum wanted and at those times she asked for. But she never used it. Also mum, starting to push part of her care team away. (Her doctor in the mental health field.) So with this and when I finally had enough and at the stage of suicidal myself, I had to walk away, making sure the ward staff knew and getting a Social Worker in place. If I didn’t back off, I would feel I was still stuck in my childhood past.
I never said to the ward I did not want updates. I did say in that email that updates were fine and anything they need to discuss, they could with me. It’s just I wouldn’t be seeing my mum until she helps herself and continues to help herself for sometime. 

My goals is what is keeping me going now. I have to focus on me and make sure my mental health stays in this better place and not how it was last year.

 

© Elizabeth Fisher and My Wellbeing and Learning Journey.

Unauthorised use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to My Wellbeing and Learning Journey with appropriate and specific direction to the original content. But Guest Posts that feature on my blog are not allowed at all to be duplicated.

My feelings – Part 5

Since last post, My feelings – Part 4. I have felt :

  • Anger (But not as to the level I last experienced in my 20’s, that I had up to this month, from December.)
  • Anxiety
  • Tension

The tension I noticed was related to my anger.

The anxiety was brought on by a particular conversation via email, from my mum’s social worker.

I have had a couple of down days, but they have not been bad and an odd tired day. But My Vision Board and Gratitude Wall has helped me to keep going and stay focused.

 

© Elizabeth Fisher and My Wellbeing and Learning Journey.

Unauthorised use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to My Wellbeing and Learning Journey with appropriate and specific direction to the original content. (But Guest Posts that feature on my blog are not allowed at all to be duplicated, as that is their copyright.)

My feelings – Part 4

A short post on feelings I have felt since last post; My feelings – part 3.

  • Feeling low
  • Tired (although since after Christmas, it looks like it’s improving.)
  • Anger
  • Frustrated
  • And the time I felt nothing. Like I put a wall up for a while. (As I blogged in previous post : Chit-chat catch up – part 1 of 2)
  • ‘Shit happens’ I dusted off and not seen for a while attitude. (As I blogged in previous post: Chit-chat catch up – part 1 of 2

 

© Elizabeth Fisher and My Wellbeing and Learning Journey.

Unauthorised use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to My Wellbeing and Learning Journey with appropriate and specific direction to the original content. But Guest Posts that feature on my blog are not allowed at all to be duplicated.

Cutting ties

After my set back with my mental health after choosing to see my mum that time, when I called at the ward to deal with her financial affairs, I have decided to cut ties with my mum.
Whether this turns out to be permanent thing, remains to be seen.
But I know I have to do this if I am to move forward with life, to concentrate on me, to live and enjoy my life and keep my mental health, healthy.
I know how I improved, when I chose to take that break for a few months from my mum. But the minute I was back, it put me on a downward spiral.

Regardless mum doesn’t want me to visit her while on the ward, as she once texted before, little does mum realise that my feelings of not being around, came probably sooner.
Mum also still wanted me to do some things on that very short visit, which I said no, because one, you don’t want me here and so I can’t do those that you ask, as I would have to come back to pass them you back, when you do need them. And two, after today, I am not coming back.
I also reminded her that she would need her bank card to pay her rent while she was in, which I said she can do over the phone while here and I am sure the staff will assist you with that. That conversation followed by not trusting them… which I replied before going, that is what you are going to have to start doing from now on, because after choosing to stop taking your medication, throwing away your help and not helping yourself, I am not picking up the pieces no more. Which followed on with another response of, well I will just lose my bungalow. I’m not paying. I reminded her for the last time, do what you like, because as I say, I won’t be pickin up the pieces. It’s your mess.

The time that I choose to see my mum, is when and if it happens, that she is back living in the community with her support in place.
I also won’t visit immediately when this happens, as I will be leaving my mum be for some months, so that hopefully she gets the idea I won’t be there and she will use that support.
And when I am ready to visit, it will only be when mum invites. I’m not inviting myself.

Mum will have to realise that if we are ever going to have a mother and daughter relationship again, it’s going to take long and slowly does it work.

 

© Elizabeth Fisher and My Wellbeing and Learning Journey.

Unauthorised use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to My Wellbeing and Learning Journey with appropriate and specific direction to the original content. (But Guest Posts that feature on my blog are not allowed at all to be duplicated, as that is their copyright.)

Thoughts and feelings

Glad I don’t have children

One time, I always wanted my own child, or maybe adopt. But after the last relationship I was in, I knew it wasn’t going to happen. (I wasn’t going to waste my years in another relationship to not go somewhere.) I later learnt by accident via Google, that he turned out to be jailed after abusing a child, as my long term readers will know from when I blogged anout it here. So with the disgust of knowing that, which created my own triggers from past as well as new ones at that time of discovery, I swore blind no one would touch me again, as well as definitely staying single. Which that remains.

But with how things have been with my mum and how I am from the effects of it, I am so glad I don’t have children. What I have felt in my childhood and as an adult, would now be repeated and passed on in some form. I wouldn’t want to put them through it.

Lows and highs for today

I can only foucus only on a day at a time. Each day is a mental struggle. If I try to focus on anything more than a day, even for the positive things, I just find it overwhelming.

I have had a few little highs this morning, that just perked my morning a little.
After my morning job was done, I chose to walk through the nature reserve, as I was going to my local supermarket and there is way off the reserve that brings you to it. On my travel through the reserve, I seen a heron and oh my, I was really close. I have seen a heron before, but not as close as I was today. I wasn’t able to get a photo unfortunately, as it flew off.
My other pick me up was while I was in the supermarket. I came across an apple pie that was actually vegan and it wasn’t expensive. Which makes a change. It was under £2. I am going to be enjoying this with dairy-free custard today and tomorrow.

Photo of packaging of my vegan apple pie

 

© Elizabeth Fisher and My Wellbeing and Learning Journey.

Unauthorised use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to My Wellbeing and Learning Journey with appropriate and specific direction to the original content. (But Guest Posts that feature on my blog are not allowed at all to be duplicated, as that is their copyright.)

Blog post re-share : Apps I find help my mental health. — Life with the Hazelwoods

I have tried three of the apps mentioned in this post and, the one I am going to stick with and see how I go longer term with, will be the Calm Harm app.

It’s all about finding what what works for you.
I am mostly a paper based person, as that’s easier for me. But I have tried apps in the past and found a lot not suitable for me, in different ways. But the Calm Harm on first impressions is good and, although I don’t self-harm, I have been feeling suicidal, as well as having anxiety and depression,
I think this app can help for those too.

Do you use apps?

Do visit this bloggers post and comment there.

When your phone is always in your hand it’s quick and easy to download apps that can help when you’re in a bad place. I downloaded calm harm first. It’s been the best app ever for me. It’s completely personalised and you need a password so nobody else will open it. It’s made for people […]

via Apps I find help my mental health. — Life with the Hazelwoods

My thoughts

I am not going to go too deep in my thoughts, but lets start with when I first decided it was time for counselling. My private one I will be having in under 2 weeks, paid for by work. (Just 6 sessions are paid for by work.) When I filled the assessment form, it required next of kin details. For the first time I wrote none, because it’s not like my mum is available as next of kin. Mum can’t decide for herself, let alone me, if something came to the worst.

Maybe you are in a similar situation of having no next of kin. Maybe you have. Do feel free to comment.

So who do you put down for next of kin, when you have no one?

I know from researching and asking for advice back in August, that I am not forced to put down next of kin. So this looks like how it will be from now on for me and where I do know I have my mum down as next of kin on my records, I may start removing.

I had to visit the ward today so I could see a staff member in charge of my mum, regarding some personal affairs, after checking on her bungalow and mail today. I hope they will be dealt with. I hope they dealt with the other, because what I was reading today made me wonder.

I chose to see my mum, but told them how I have been and am at that point I was there. I only managed 5 minutes with my mum and it wasn’t a pleasant experience. In that 5 minutes mum spoke about:

  • Germs in space
  • Wanted me to save her savings book and bank card, which I said no, because she will need that. I have saved it before, for her. But I am not now.
  • Wanted to know how I knew she was there
  • Convinced she is well
  • Told me to keep away while she’s there like she told me to before. (Even though mum has tried to make contact in between.)

Mum is very unwell in the way I expected. I don’t know when my next visit will be, but it will be no time soon. I can’t see mum being home for Christmas and I still feel like I have no mum. A feeling that I have had for some time now.

Our relationship won’t be the same again. And that’s if there will be ever one.

I still feel there is a chance my mum won’t be around by Christmas, regardless she is in a safe place. The only comfort I have, is knowing my mum is in a safe place.

Now, after this post airs, I am dealing with all the charities that ask for fucking money, or send raffle tickets to sell. Mum has not helped half of these and there are charities that I have never heard of. But whether she has helped or not, I am fucking telling them where to go. Those that know the full extent of this and what mum does, will know where I am coming from. But mum is like any other elderly person in the UK ; more fucking charity mail on her doorstep than what should be expected on her doorstep.

 

© Elizabeth Fisher and My Wellbeing and Learning Journey.

Unauthorised use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to My Wellbeing and Learning Journey with appropriate and specific direction to the original content. But Guest Posts that feature on my blog are not allowed at all to be duplicated.