Over 5 years since not drinking

17th August was 5 years not drinking alcohol.

I have mentioned nothing more about this topic since in a post at my 3 year mark. I only kind of realised the time gone by since I chose to stop drinking, when I seen behind the scenes of my post for two years since I last drank, pop up in posts viewed.

Reasons the same for choosing not to drink alcohol

I gave it up as I found it to not suit me. I would feel low, or depressed an hour after having a glass or two of wine.

Prior to that, I had a time where I did not treat alcohol sensibly at one point, because of a relationship break up of 6 years. With that and how I felt at the time in other areas of my life, the aim was to just get drunk, not drink for pleasure. This last for a few months before I banned it from the house because I could not trust myself. Then later when I could, I drank sensibly until I realised that it wasn’t suiting me no more and I gave it up.

I have not missed it since I chose to stop, but during that time I have had the odd times I have fancied a drink. Most for the right reason and a couple for the wrong reasons. But I never gave in to my cravings for a drink and I still choose not to drink, as I feel better for doing this in many ways.

I am happy knowing I have still decided not to drink, as I come to this 5 year mark. Even when at times when it was tempting for the wrong reasons.

 

© Elizabeth Fisher and My Wellbeing and Learning Journey.

Unauthorised use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to My Wellbeing and Learning Journey with appropriate and specific direction to the original content. (But Guest Posts that feature on my blog are not allowed at all to be duplicated, as that is their copyright.)

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I wouldn’t choose this life again

If there is a such thing as coming back in another life, I wouldn’t choose this life again.

Sorry if this upsets anyone, but I have been holding onto this for a long time.

My lifetime has had a lot of pain and sadness. What happened in my childhood meant it gave me triggers in later life. PTSD a counsellor said I have, for the traumatic things I witnessed/experienced, in my childhood

I don’t have PTSD like some people, so when not showing signs for some time (that I am aware of) meant I thought I was lucky there myself and cured. Yes, I thought I was cured, until I was triggered again.

I know many of my readers do relate and no doubt will relate and understand this post.

I wouldn’t want any child to go through what I had and to still put up with some of the things now, all for the sake of love. It took until I burnt out and for seeing my mum revert slowly back a little. Not helping herself.
The offers are there for her. She’s holding them, but not using them.

I was happy to help and support one time. But when the person is not continuing helping themselves, then I can’t help. I won’t put my emotional energy into it no longer.
The person has to help themselves and do the work too. Something my mum once said, but failing to follow her own advice now.

A family member on my mum’s side keeps saying I should meet up for you for coffee. She said it again after she had that basic update of how me and mum are. I kept saying that would be lovely. Do let me know when. But you know what? I have been waiting for that fucking coffee and meeting up since before my mum took the overdose! It’s gone on even longer than that, because I have been hearing this since last December.
If you do that to a family member, or a friend, then please don’t. Don’t set that person up with that kind of promise, or any kind of promise you can’t keep.

But you my readers, my friends and work colleagues have helped more than anyone else. (With exception of one family member who has unexpectedly helped me in the past, on a different matter.) And I really appreciate  that. But it would be just lovely to just sit in a park, or a cafe,  for that cuppa. Even if it’s just sitting in quiet. I don’t mind quiet. I like quiet.

I would like to see a person be in my position now and do what I have done for my mum in one year. Not forgetting the anxiety, stress, worry, frustration, scared of every text that comes to your phone, until finally it getting very heated and you are feeling burnt out. Would you still do it for another year?
Then try my life of doing it that long from my teens as a carer, but understanding and worrying from 11. You will feel resentment. When you have had the counselling and understood even more how your childhood is affecting the present, you will feel more resentment and maybe anger. And the disappointment and further feeling of being alone, because someone could not keep that promise of going out for a coffee.

If you was a fly on the wall, observing just the day time hours in my flat this past month, you would have seen how difficult it is for me. This past month especially when it got more tense.

Now don’t say I can change this, because changing this would mean cutting mum off completely and I nearly have done that. But for the sake of love, I haven’t quite yet. But I do need that temporary break. It’s very early days, but I do wonder if I will end up doing it permanent, because of what went off over a few days and what hasn’t happened today, which I won’t go into here right now. But it’s early days and I shall see what happens by November.

Until then, I am facing my own battles still, to keep out of that black cloud.

I have self-referred myself, back to counselling.

As for my blood pressure, it is going down. My lower number can be a bit high at times when taking readings. Only time it’s shot up, is when I have been upset.

My asthma is only triggered by the same upset, otherwise it’s much better. I have even got rid of that blanket from underneath my pillows, when I needed to prop myself up more. I didn’t think I would ever get rid of that.

 

© Elizabeth Fisher and My Wellbeing and Learning Journey.

Unauthorised use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to My Wellbeing and Learning Journey with appropriate and specific direction to the original content. But Guest Posts that feature on my blog are not allowed at all to be duplicated.

If you followed last night’s post…

If you followed the comments in last night’s post, I choose not to…, you will know, after admitting to my blogger friend, Lorraine, that I admitted, I did glance at the letter.
I skimmed it quickly and I was right, another letter that does not benefit me in any way. It just caused me to be upset, regardless it contained what I expected and more.
I skimmed it because I wanted to be sure there was nothing in it to show that she was planning on harming herself again, with having a text that just said sorry on Sunday night, which I did not respond to as I said in last night’s post, because I was going to bed.
To say I texted her last night as I said in last night’s post that I choose not to read it, I heard nothing from that text. Not even an ok, as she normally would.
For all I know, mum could be dead on the floor. But then she could be doing her own thing, giving me space.
Since this year’s overdose, mum has always said she wouldn’t do it again. But given past experience and her mental health now, how am I supposed to trust that?
I should not have glanced at that letter, until I did my blood pressure reading. But I did and so each reading went higher than the one before. It was high.
I went to bed with huge anxiety. Thought I would never sleep. But I did.

This morning, I woke upset. I was tearful and I am also angry with my mum.
I am at the stage today that I want to disown my mum. But this, I would never say in a text.

I have emailed the email I was given by my mum’s nurse, should I ever need to use it as an urgency while mum’s nurse is not available. I have expressed my feelings there of how it has caused me to be off work last week.
How I wonder why as a child, I was never put into care when I have my mum as she was and a verbally abuse father.
How I was sick of holding responsibility as a teenager, when I had not experienced adult life.
So to watch it all unfold and see the signs that I see, in addition to seeing if mum takes this alternative help, when her nurse next sees her to discuss this, that I will not sit and watch all this again.
I have expressed that if mum does not take that alternative help, then it won’t surprise me if I have a mum by Christmas. I will expect her dead before then.
There was more I had written in this email, but it will make it hell of a long post.

As well as the above in how I feel, I may as well have a noose around my neck. That’s how it feels, as though I have that, wondering if mum has already, or will take an overdose. This is the only way I can describe my mental torcher I feel, as well as living in a nightmare I don’t want to be in.

I thank you to those who supported me in last night’s post and I send advanced thanks to this one, in case I fall behind in commenting, with how I feel in this torment.

Post update:

This post: A change of heart with my mum is an updated post, since this one was written.

 

© Elizabeth Fisher and My Wellbeing and Learning Journey.

Unauthorised use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to My Wellbeing and Learning Journey with appropriate and specific direction to the original content. But Guest Posts that feature on my blog are not allowed at all to be duplicated.

Blog post re-share: “Unlearning What To Say & Do,” by A NEW NORMAL: Living & Loving Your Life After Loss.

A post I came across, in my time of having a blogging break. I thought this post would be a good post to share in times of someone’s grief.
It’s a very well written post, as well as very useful. You may also find the other blog posts helpful to read too, which I have and now following the blog.

You can find this post here, over at “A NEW NORMAL: Living & Loving Your Life After Loss.”

24th July, Week 8 – “Working on Us” Mental Health Prompts

For how to join in with these prompts, visit Beckie’s blog post.

I am doing prompt 1 and prompt 2.

Prompt 1

This question was by Nova, of Nova’s Namaste 365 Online.

Write a narrative of what works for you when in the midst of a crisis, such as anxiety/panic attack or a manic episode. Please give an example of what happened and how you broke free from it.

My readers know that I can suffer from anxiety and panic attacks.

My last panic attack was when I was volunteering. Most readers will remember this particular one, as I blogged about it. It was the time of having issues with my old energy supplier, Spark Energy. I was checking my emails and this particular email I found in my spam folder, from a company that was chasing debt on their behalf.

Now as it was in spam, I had my doubts whether this was all genuine, because one, I never heard of this one and I already received a letter about the same thing from a different debt collector.
Two, I wasn’t in debt, as I paid my bill every month. But this company had my details to know they knew me. I was already suffering anxiety with the stress Spark Energy caused me, in addition to other stresses in my life around that time and I started to shake not long after reading this email, as well as feeling sick with it. I had my water to hand, which I kept sipping. I tried to ignore my anxiety brewing, which I could feel was going to turn into a panic attack.

After 10 minutes, I could feel my heart racing, but surprisingly, I wasn’t breathing in a panic state. I assume this is because of past experience and learning new ways to manage it.

After half an hour and not feeling like anything was getting any better, I said to one of the workers where I was volunteering that I wasn’t feeling well and, why and that I think I won’t be any good carrying on working there today. He didn’t like the idea me going home, while I was as I was and asked what usually helps me keep calm? I said water for one, which I have been sipping for past half hour. He then started to act daft, (in a good way,) to get me to laugh and I was chatting and laughing back. In the end, my anxiety reduced and I felt I could carry on with my volunteer role. I had lost my appetite at lunch time, so I had to force myself to eat. But I didn’t go into a panic attack, because of how this person helped me with this one, after I said I wasn’t well.

That is just one example for me, how I got out of an anxiety attack.
Others have been just focusing on my breathing to slow it down. It took some time, but I got there.

I have also suffered from PTSD, because of  my childhood and so through counseling I learnt new techniques, should I have PTSD ones. These were using my senses; sight, touch, taste and smell. These have come in handy for anxiety/panic attacks too. So I guess this is why I never went into a full blown panic attack, that I expected.

Anxiety is always a part of me. Mine is there at times, but ignorable in a way. I mean as in that I know it’s there, but I carry on doing what I am doing. Like I have always done. That fighter instinct in me that I have had since a child.
Other times my anxiety is not there and then there are situations that can bring it on, as one example above.

For anyone you witness having a panic attack, just see what you can do to help. If they are not able to answer, just talk to them, keeping calm yourself until they are able to say. Don’t touch them, unless they gave you permission and certainly don’t hug, because if they are like me, they will need space to feel they can breathe.

Prompt 2

There are two pictures in this prompt, which you can pick one, or use both of them.

I chose this one.

Visual of the image is that of heavy rain with the sun shining and pouring on a plant up against a rock wall.
Visual of the image is that of heavy rain with the sun shining and pouring on a plant up against a rock wall.

I chose this one because when I see this photo, I feel refreshed, just like I would if the rain poured down on me, while the sun was out.

The cooling rain making me feel refreshed, washing my worries away, while feeling a gentle warmth of the sun.

Some unhelpful comments I’ve received

Just some unhelpful comments I can remember over my lifetime that I have heard, or still hear.

“Chin up”

Oh how I hate this one. I have said about hearing this, in this post, How has stigma around mental health affected you?
Depending on my mood at the time this is said, I can either be sighing and rolling my eyes inside myself, or sarcastically thinking how I could give you chin up if my fist went upwards to your chin, then you would certainly be chin up.
Surprisingly, I have never said where to stick that one, or respond in any way! But I have noticed instead, I distance myself off, like I am not there.

“Snap out of it”

Only heard this once and a very long time ago, that the memory of this one is vague to the situation.

“There is always someone off worser than you”

Oh, don’t you think I don’t know that?

But all the same, does that mean my feelings don’t count? Are my feelings worth nothing?

For years I kept my mouth shut and, did not say how I felt and it did not get me anywhere. I was silent and broken at times and I felt I did not belong in the world, because my feelings were not validated.
When I could cope more, then counseling begun, because there you are not judged.

“Oh… I have felt sad sometimes.”

OMG and eyes rolling when I got this one. My eyes were literally rolling as this was said once when I first talked about my depression and taking meds. At first, I thought she understood, but when a comment came out afterwards she said that, it clearly wasn’t the case. I even asked a question to be sure. I can’t remember my exact words now, but I clearly put this person in their place and corrected the different between sad and depression. This was the same person who was ignorant about my deafness, only a few years before.

“But that’s in the past.”

Seeing my dog get beaten, doesn’t make it go away, like it never happened, or the fear of my dad that I remember.

Being raped doesn’t make how it affects me go away!

“Think positive.”

So you think I don’t? I am doing well trying to be positive and some days are really hard to be positive, that I am tired being positive. I think I can have a day off, or two from being positive.

What comments have you received, that you found not helpful?

 

Related post:

Do you want to read up on further unhelpful comments. I found this page below, which will take you to The Mighty.

https://themighty.com/2018/08/what-not-to-say-support-mental-illness/

 

 

© Elizabeth Fisher and My Wellbeing and Learning Journey.

Unauthorised use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to My Wellbeing and Learning Journey with appropriate and specific direction to the original content. (But Guest Posts that feature on my blog are not allowed at all to be duplicated, as that is their copyright.)