It’s not all rainbows and fairies. But it’s what you make of it.

This is something I feel I need to get off my chest and, as I have a majority of supporting and understanding bloggers, because you have been there yourself, I know you will understand. But it doesn’t mean this post came easy, because I have wanted to write this for a month, but held myself back. But now my red mist has visited me a couple of times and my past couple of posts reflecting this partly. I will let it out. Or as I say, ‘rip.’

Ever since I found my mum that day after her OD, my stress levels have not come completely down, because I have and still worried about my mum. And this red mist that has shown out of the blue, in the comfort of my own home, away from prying eyes and recently only showing it partly on my blog, I have been trying until I can’t contain it no longer. All because I did not want to show this unhappy side of me. I feel because I have shown the red mist because of making it all happy and smiley and saying I’m fine, when I have not always been, giving that fake smile, now shameful because I shown the red mist here.

It’s not all smilies, rainbows and fairies. No one can be 100% happy under life stresses. I have done well finding positives out of my life stresses, which I will try and remember everyone of those these past few months here I made, at the end of the post list them.

I have felt partly pressured here to keep it all happy until I couldn’t any longer and I feel I may be judged by one, or two, who are not me and can’t be 100% fucking happy.

I am trying my best and my best is good enough and at a point I really share my feelings now, because I cannot keep quiet any longer, I will also let this shame go with that I have been carrying and not allow anyone to shame me either!

I think I have done well this year considering what has happened and the pressures I am still under

Regardless I am showing this, I won’t be shamed by anyone, because underneath, I have still found positives to my negatives. I just did not find these instant, because the red mist paid a visit. But I found these positive alternatives 10 minutes, give, or take, after!

Also, this year, since that day with my mum, I have been very forgetful. I have been frustrated with this, but also bloody dizzy at times trying to get my head together, remembering.

So this year, the positives I can remember I found from the negatives:

  • My mum being alive
  • Mum’s situation bringing us together, to where one day be living together.
  • From mum choosing to live with me has now gave me an increased chance of being in a council property, than I would have had on my own.
  • For mum’s situation to move us further up than before, on the banding list.
  • Instagram may have disabled my account but I thought fuck em. I have now created a visual folder on my phone to look at when needed.
  • My to do lists are very important in my daily life, now I am forgetful as I am. It works in addition to my diary as it’s more a visual thing.
  • I have created a “vitality wheel” for myself. It’s a new visual self-care thing for me. I will talk about this later.
  • Walking is my go thing. I may never have got round to running, but walking has never failed. It helps me to feel good.
  • Certain scents I am using for comfort in these last couple of months, to keep my mood positive.

 

Blog post re-share: Bipolar Mentorship Group

Clive has set up a bipolar group on Facebook, where people can meet up chat.
He had set up a mentorship on the group’s page where you can either have a mentor, or be a mentor too.

Take a look at his blog post for further details and where you will find the link to the Facebook group, at the end of his post.

Bipolar? It’s not all doom and gloom

Hi all. This might be just be another one of my many ideas I have, that never really comes to nothing, lol. I setup a bipolar Facebook group a while back, but it never really took off. I’ve only been blogging for a couple of weeks, but in this short time I’ve spoke to some really nice bloggers.

I’ve been thinking, it would be nice to have a little group of fellow bipolar bloggers, where we can all have a chat. It would be a place to come for a chat, rant, laugh, or you might just want a friendly ear to listen. I’ve setup a mentorship program on the group, where you can have a mentor, or be a mentor, that’s just an option. Although the name of the group is “Bipolar Mentorship Group” it’s for anyone no matter what mental health condition you suffer from.

If…

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Blog post re-share: ~💚~ Welcome to Mental Mingling ~💚~ Mental Health Awareness Month Meet & Greet! #1 May 3, 2019 💚

This is something I have participated in this year.

This is something that Beckie started creating last year and is doing again this year, For “Mental Health Awareness Month” and to give other mental health bloggers a chance to meet one another via their blogs and through Beckie’s blog.

Beckie's Mental Mess

Your illness does not define you. Your strength and courage does.- - Unknown - Inspirational Mental Health Awareness Quotes #quotes #quote #happyquotes #postivequotes #inspirationalquotes

Hello!  Welcome to “Mental Mingling” The first out of five weeks where you get to meet old and new bloggers alike in the mental health community.

I had started this a year ago, and I found that it was a great resource to all bloggers that deal with mental illness/disorders to meet one another, learn about one another’s stories, show support toward your fellow blogger, make acquaintances, and in most cases… Make Very Dear Friends! 💚

Related image

May 3, 2019, R.S.V.P.’s Are As Follows:

Barb of  “Bipolar Barb”
http://bipolarbarb.com

~💚~

Ashley of “Mental Health @ Home”

https://mentalhealthathome.wordpress.com

~💚~
Angela of “I Am My Own Island”
~*~
Ummi of “Too Sweet Site”
~💚~
Smita aka dharkanein of “My Expressions”

~💚~

Liz of “My Well Being And Learning Journey”

https://mywellbeingandlearningjourney.wordpress.com

~💚~

Candace of “Revenge of Eve”

https://revengeofeve.com

Alright, Folks, if you would like to partake in the…

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A worrying time

(This post comes with trigger warning, as it’s talking about overdose.)

Yesterday was a worrying and stressful time. My mum is hearing voices. (Possibly.) I say possibly because I keep an open mind in case something is going on outside, down the road as it was supposedly. But I do wonder if she is hearing them and this is her form of tinnitus, because as usual, it happens when quiet.

Me and mum did have a tiff when I said that she had to keep an open mind it could be tinnitus.
I have tinnitus all the time every day of a high pitch whistle in my right ear, but randomly in the past, I have heard car alarms and smoke alarms. Now when I say I heard these, I really thought I did and it did freak me out on these ocassions for each, because as for the car alarm that happened as I was going to bed and so my hearing aids were not in. I don’t hear car alarms in the home with hearing aids in, so not going to hear them when out. But it took me twenty minutes to register this as I was looking for this car going off.
When it came to the fire alarm one, I was standing under my fire alarm when I was convinced it was going off. This happened in the day and so I was wearing my hearing aids. When I walked away from fire alarm it seamt quieter, but when I walked back, it was loud and so I was really convinced it was going off, regardless that visually it wasn’t and I don’t hear the fire alarm anyway because of my deafness, but this never crossed my mind at this point, because I was so convinced. I also use an alerter to help me hear the fire alarm. This flashes and has a loud alarm that I do hear and this wasn’t going off either. I could have easily argued this one, if I was with someone that day. It was doing my head in and I left the house, taking the fire alarm in my head, proving what I kept telling myself in the house, that it’s not going off.

As I said to mum about my weird, caught me out moments of tinnitus, they really did freak me out and they caught me out. I really believed it was happening, because it felt real. I said to mum that she can’t hear me with her hearing aids in when she is in the kitchen, while I am sat in the living room, so she is not going to know what is being said down the road when she is not wearing her hearing aids. I said to her you may hear noise and know if it’s a man or a woman down the road. But not the details.
Mum argued that it is very quiet. I did hear it. And I responded that yes, I know it is very quiet and I also know how tinnitus can really get to some people because you are aware of it more when it is quiet, because you have no distractions like the day. But again, it doesn’t mean you can hear the details of what someone says down the road when you have no hearing aids in, because twice, so far at this point, you have not heard me in your home when I have spoken to you and when I ask you exactly what has been said you can’t give me an answer, even though you are convinced someone is talking about you.

This isn’t the first time since my mum has been home that readers will know that my mum has heard voices. The difference this time is that this one is now a nasty one and so I can see how it’s affecting my mum.

Whether real, or tinnitus, it is real. It is real to my mum and I have said this. But whether real, or tinnitus, as I have said to mum, you have to find a way to deal with this, to help it stop, or something, to make it better for her.
Regardless of this tiff we had, we are fine.

Mum wasn’t going to tell them that visit her each afternoon, because she was scared she be sectioned. But as I said to her, if you don’t, I will. I said to my mum, I am worried, because I can see how it’s bothering you today and I said for them to know, doesn’t mean you will be sectioned, because that won’t happen. It’s about helping you to settle back in and as the doctor said at the mental health unit before she was discharged, it’s about preventing you from coming back.
I continued to remind her, that as long as you take your meds accordingly and don’t harm yourself, you will not go back.

So yesterday, I ended up being really stressed and worried for my mum. Mum has not been in her home for quite a month now and as I said before she was discharged to the doctor and my mum, my worry is when we get the two week, or four week mark whether it starts again (voices) and how my mum will cope. I can support my mum, but mum had to do the work too. My mum has to find the ways to cope. I have suggested in the past what to do, but my mum doesn’t follow it through.

I am scared I will find mum on her bedroom floor like before. But this time, not surviving.
Mum may have her meds weekly, but it doesn’t mean she is not stashing them away, not taking them again, saving them up.
It doesn’t stop mum going to a different shop to buy a pack of paracetamol and taking them all, regardless that walking wise it would be hard work.
I hope my mum is taking those meds as promised and not binning them. Do I ask her this, or does it cause damage to ask her this? But at the end of the day, she had stopped taking them and saving them before taking them, when I found her overdosed. Mum has promised she won’t do this again, because of the damage and upset she seen caused by her actions. But my mum has a history of overdosing. So yes, after seeing how she was yesterday, I can’t help but worry.

Mum did tell the person who came to see her yesterday and that person who came to see her yesterday is there today. There’s a nurse who is coming today too. This was mentioned before he knew about these negative type voices she heard and so they will both talk to her about the voices today. As tempting as I want to turn up, I won’t, so they can both have time with her themselves and me to do my own thing.

I see my mum next on Tuesday at the hospital. My mum has an audiology appointment. But only because I pushed her to make this appointment now, because she had not got round to doing it as promised. Whether mum will get a hearing test that day, I don’t know. I doubt it, as usually you wait longer than that. So I hope that one isn’t done that day, she can have an appointment made, because mum has had no hearing test since she has had those hearing aids and I think one is due, in case her hearing aids need to be adjusted. She talks if difficulties with her hearing aids, but yet again, doesn’t do anything about it and it takes me or a medical person to push her, to do something about it.

How has stigma around mental health affected you?

For me, the first thing that comes to mind is how stigma affected my mum. This affected me because of the awareness mainly from my childhood, but still parts as an adult.
My mum has paranoid schizophrenia and having the title schizophrenia is enough, because of the stigma I remember around it. The stigma may not be as bad now as in my childhood, but I believe it’s still there, like any mental illness.
I remember as a teenager that schizophrenia would get bad press in the newspapers. It gave those with this condition a bad name, making it look like they were all dangerous, or violent if you had this condition, when it isn’t true. This condition would always be mentioned in the bold part of the newspaper when someone with this condition killed someone. I remember seeing this making the front page at times. This was newspapers in that time trying to give a sensational story line that sold their papers, not realising just what damage you were causing. I remember feeling really angry how the newspapers did this.
Thankfully now, newspapers have to watch how they word things, but I feel the damage from those days is still there. Do you?

People with schizophrenia are not violent people, but they can be a danger to themselves. But there are some people who will be quiet by withdrawing into themselves, as in my mum’s case.

I don’t like the word schizophrenia. But when I came to not liking this word, I don’t know. I don’t know if I hated this word when understanding my mum’s condition at a young age, or if it was the bad press if the newspapers.

But as I say, I think there is still stigma around mental health and because of this, it’s not something I will bring mum’s mental health particular condition into a face-to-face conversation with someone and mum is wary to do the same.

As you know I suffer with depression and anxiety. Depression has been good but anxiety shown itself since last year, as I blogged about. The past month or two, anxiety has not been too bad.
I have experienced stigma with my own mental health, things like people saying “chin up,” is not exactly helpful. Also, when you start talking about how you feel to some people, you realise from their responses they don’t get it after all as you first thought and that I am expected to snap out of it. Snapping out of it is not easy as you think.

It’s bad enough when people have to deal with their own mental health day in and day out, but when you receive unhelpful comments, cruel remarks, or just plain ignorance, that can create as much damage as the illness itself.

We have come a long way since when I was a child, but there is still more to be done. The royals are doing good with their Heads Together campaign I think.

How has stigma around mental health affected you?

I hope my mum thinks of her words…

I am looking forward to going home, but looking forward more to when I live with my daughter. – As said by my mum.

The above words, as said by mum when the people involved in her care asked her how she was feeling about going home, or similar question of that nature.

I hope my mum holds onto this, when ever she may have hard times, as it is some months to go before I can bid on a ground floor council flat, with me being tied into a private contract until October.

Until that day happens, where we live together, I hope my mum does reach out more at her difficult times she may have. Also, to have a night, or a weekend break at mine every so often, just to break things up a little for her.

Chit-chat early April

Early April, my mum got discharged from the mental health unit and is now back home. Being discharged this soon, I have to say I was surprised. But mum does have support by a team that support people her age with mental health issues, when they are discharged.
For the next 12 weeks from mum being discharged, someone will check on her daily at the time she chosen. If at any point mum wants to go out, or won’t be in around the time of her check, as long as she lets them know, she is fine to go out. It’s just knowing she is ok.
Her medication I took charge of to start with, but her chemist will deliver weekly due to her circumstances being that she overdosed originally and to help me with not living with her. Mum now has her meds in blister packs, which is new to her and the ward thought it would help her. Mum seems to find this ok.
Any unprescribed stuff that you can buy yourself like Paracetamol for example, I still take charge off. Mum is only allowed a tray at a time of Paracetamol.
When mum does eventually live with me, then I will be taking full control of her medication again, so that she only has a weeks supply at a time. It also means locking up my medication too, that would be harmful in the event of an overdose.

Mum finally got her inhalers sorted out, so that she could take them easier. Mum has arthritis in her hands and for years she has been ok taking her inhalers. But this year, I noticed she was struggling even more than last year. One inhaler works on breathe and for her other inhaler, that is in a case that when she takes the inhaler, she squeezes with her hands, rather than how you would originally do it. When she squeezes this lever, it presses the inhaler down. Mum found this better too.

I ended up filling in a form again for council tax reduction. So I won’t do overtime in the day at work, just to lose the little help I have and having to fill a bloody form again for it. What a waste of my time and surely the council too when I have to refill the form to apply for it again. So until I find stable hours somewhere in a morning with my current evening job, the only overtime I shall do is the odd Saturday with my current employer. I will only do more when I have stable hours in a morning elsewhere.
Regardless that I have to fill in this form again, I did feel I was understood. But unfortunately, this is the way things are done. So if I still want help with council tax, I need to fill in the form again, to reapply. I filled this in the beginning of the month, so by the time this post airs, I should hopefully be receiving it again.

I continue to look for the extra hours in a morning, but nothing much is coming up.
Where I wrote randomly to more businesses, I have heard nothing.

For a few years, I have noticed how very small buttons can be awkward for me to fasten. But now I find it impossible, as I found out when trying to take the fur trim off my coat, prior to wanting to wash it.
After 15 minutes of fiddling about and not getting half way with it, I tried to fasten it back on, but I couldn’t do it and I had no one I know who would be able to do it for me. So unfortunately, the only option I had left, was to pull the dam thing off and allow those bloody buttons to fly. Any that didn’t, got snipped off. So my pride and joy coat that I love very much, is without the fur trim now. I wonder now when I have washed this coat before, whether I ever attempted to take it off before. But I can’t remember.

And talking about memory, I still find my memory not as good since the day I found my mum on her bedroom floor, after taking an overdose.
Like for one example, if you asked me what I had for lunch yesterday. I can’t remember. The important stuff I remember, like bills. But because of how I have been, I decided to pay off the remainder of my council tax last month, because I did not want to chance forgetting. This is the only bill I don’t have by direct debit, because as outgoings more than income, I need to make sure right money is moved across from my savings before I pay it.

Since that day I found my mum on the bedroom floor, it’s like my weeks have gone in a blur.