A blog post re-share, about those that choose to be alone. The benefits of being alone and how we improve our self-esteem. It’s a personal journey for those that choose to live alone and coming across this post in my reader, because I follow this blog. I found this blog post a great, inspirational read. It is nice to read someone else’s positive perspectives on living alone.
This is a true story how author, Matt Haig came through his mental illness that almost destroyed him and he learnt to live again.
This book I believe, would be a good book to raising awareness of mental illness. He tells it as it was, for him, which many will relate to.
For something that was such a dark time for him, before he learnt to live again, the book is moving, funny and joyous, that will keep the reader engaged.
When I picked up this book to read, I learnt the author lived in Nottinghamshire. (I don’t know him.) He now lives in Brighton and he is the best-selling author of five novels, including “The Humans,” “The Radleys” and “The Last Family in England.” Matt Haig has also written some award-winning children’s books.
If you want to find out more about Matt Haig and his books, then visit http://www.matthaig.com
Today, my anxiety is showing. It started off small, but then while dealing with something else, it was worse. What I was dealing with today was something simple that I had to be assertive with. Being assertive was what brought the anxiety out more. This surprised me, because usually when I take something back to a shop that I am not happy with, I usually manage. But then it has been some years in taking something back to a shop and I don’t think I would have had the anxiety then. I don’t think it would have shown to the person serving me, but I felt it.
I am now calming myself down, having lunch and a pot of tea. Maybe when I have finished this pot of tea, my anxiety will gone, or hardly there.
So since these two posts from yesterday:
As I mentioned in one of these comments that night these posts aired, mum had sent a couple of apology texts. The first one I ignored, but when I received a second one which was late and past her usual bedtime, I replied with what I felt like saying, when I received her first sorry text, saying how sorry was not good enough and how I want to see her take action with her mental health and either have counselling which I recommend, or see her doctor.
I posted the letter this morning to her doctor, saying how I was still concerned about my mum’s mental health, when it started and how she is not helping herself. Adding that I believe counselling would be the best option, but after the right counsellor suitable contacted her, she cancelled. I also stated how I was tired and I was now done helping her further, with not following any advice given over the years.
This afternoon, while at a friends, an unexpected text came from my mum. She texted to say that she had an appointment that afternoon, with one of the doctors. I texted back to say good, if she was going about her mental health, which she replied yes. Although this was an unexpected turnaround after yesterday, I’m not holding my breath, because there was time I felt for her to back out again.
Well later tonight, mum texted further, (which mum’s text can sometimes be limited, depending on predictive text) to say that she was waiting on a doctor, so I am assuming she will be going back to where she had help before when she became ill, but as an outpatient. Also, mum has rang the other number again. (Counselling she turned down before.)
I want to feel relieved of this turnaround, but I am on guard, because this could all change again, if she backs out. Time will tell.
I said to mum in the text tonight, that she can tell me more if she likes when I next see her, which I revealed that it will be in a fortnight’s time when I see her. Mum replied ok.
This is a follow on post, from the earlier one I written today; Mum still not helping herself.
Whether mum has fear and not showing it, I don’t know. But usually anything like this, she does not hide it well. Her talk about that first counselling came out all positive and she said that she felt a lot of weight was lifted. But when it came to observing her body language, with her words of refusal of both counselling, or otherwise making an appointment where we attend together to see her doctor, I know I am not going to get anywhere. No fear shown, but agitation did.
Mum thinks that one hour was a big help and that she does not need anymore and as I have already said in previous post and to her, you don’t get all your crap out in one session. It takes weeks and I know, because I have been there.
Tonight, after this post airs, I will be writing a letter to her doctor, which I have told my mum I will being doing this and it will get posted tomorrow. (This will be the last thing I do.)
I then hope to settle myself down with a bath, wash my hair and a couple of camomile teas, before bed.
I have got to the stage today, that I am tired and I am done when it comes to my mum’s mental health. But this does not mean it will be easy. But when no advice is being taken, there is no point me wasting my energy any longer. I have been doing this for years, on my own. Yes, I have friends to talk to and I do know I have support. I’m not knocking that. But when I use the term on my own, I mean, as it happens there and then, like the out-of-the-blue texts she sends that don’t make sense, cos she is having her moment, these chats like today that me and mum have, it is me and her, then the feeling on my own.
So some basic short facts to understand where I am coming from, with this:
- From the age of 11, I have worried about my mum, since when I first seen her mental health issues. (I am now 42 years old.) (Mum has suffered with mental health, since 16.)
- Mum disappeared and failed to come home after church, when this all started.
- From the age of about 13 was when I started supporting my mum, giving her advice when it was just me and her after dad died.
- This advice she used to ask for she would take. But there were lots of days she’d snap at me, so I was like, why fucking ask me then? Cos after all, I am just still at school!
- In my teens, it was like walking on egg shells with her, especially in the mornings. I was getting to the stage I was scared to breathe, in case she snapped. It was that bad. No fucking joke. Once the cause of her behaviour was established, with the right medical support and me intervening, she was back to where she should be. (She stopped taking one of her meds.)
- I have continually supported, in her life, from when we were living together and now when live separate lives. But this sometimes it feels I am still living with her, even though I am not.
- Through counselling, I learnt that mum should not have relied on me in the way she did and put this adult stuff on me. I was just a child and she was the adult. (This is also the same with the other stuff I went through, I blogged about from the beginning when I was going though counselling. Both parents are to blame in their own ways.)
- As an adult, my counsellor said and reminded me that I am not responsible for her. But this is something I have never been able to ignore. Until now.
How it affected me
After that chat today, that we had, when mum had finished watching where she was at of Smallville, I got ready for work and decided to set out much earlier, so I could hang in the next town. So this meant us both leaving earlier than normal. Nothing much was said from me after the earlier conversation, because I could feel I was shutting down. (Being in a position I once was before, when I chosen to first volunteer where I am currently at, so I would open up.) So it has been some years to feel like that again.
I needed my space. I quickly said goodbye to my mum, because as I locked my door, a bus was already pulling up and so I jumped on. I did not want to hang around for the next bus.
By the time I was in the next town, I was not feeling well. I observed around me while I made my way where I wanted to be, prior to work. I could feel a panic attack coming on and I wanted to cry my eyes out, but I fought it, to bury it.
I had my drink of tea and chocolate at a nearby cafe from work, which I drank slowly. I had 30 mins there, before it was time to go to work. Although no panic attack in sight, underneath I was upset and I felt I was quieter than normal at the start of shift. I did not find chatting easy until the last hour there.
At the end of shift, I was dreading getting a text from my mum. This was the dread of having the out-of-blue no sense type messages, cos she is having her moment, or just something else that would upset me. There wasn’t one.
As I end this post though, I have got a text right now from mum, where she has said sorry. I don’t plan to reply. But if I did reply, my message would have been, lets see action, by you going to counselling, rather than sorry.
Since this post; ‘Worrying about my mum’s mental health,’ mum soon had a date for counselling, so she received her first appointment very quick. I went with her on her first appointment and sat in the waiting room while she had her session. We then had coffee afterwards.
From after mum’s first session, I learnt from what she had to say, that this was not the start of counselling and instead an assessment. (I thought it was very quick.) Mum would either get a phone call later that afternoon, or not, depending on scenario after the counsellor spoke to someone above her. If it turned out mum did not get the phone call that afternoon, then mum would know that she was on the waiting list to see the one she seen first. But if she did get a phone call, then it would be to arrange to see a different counsellor.
Mum in the end received a phone call, to let her know of another counsellor that they thought she’d be better with.
Mum was in her first appointment for over 45 minutes and mum said she had a good chat and liked who she had spoken to. So from mum’s chat, it sounded positive what she thought about it all. Hopefully, mum will feel the same, when it comes to meeting a different counsellor.
Today, I learnt mum heard from the other counsellor and she has chosen to not follow it through. Mum thinks the first she had helped. I said to mum that it takes more than one session to offload and she has much to offload than I did. Mum is adamant she is not going for and she refuses to go together to her doctor. This after all was the agreement; counselling, or together at her doctors. Mum said she’s fine and as I said to her, I don’t believe you and what happens when you next send me a text that makes no sense at night, resulting in me getting no sleep? I have made it clear,
I will be writing to her doctor again.
Mum is still not helping herself and I have told her this. I was very angry today and upset that she once again does not follow things through and help herself.
Another blog post re-share from Summer Shines Studio Blog. This time the post is about as titled “DISCRIMINATION- PIP.”
A reminder for readers that are new here and don’t know, but before I started writing this blog, for several years I was on DLA which I was given for life. This is because I am deaf.
But as I have blogged about and I am not alone in this from reading elsewhere in different places, regardless I had DLA for life and those others affected, I had to apply for PIP when the time came. By this point, as well as discussing my deafness, I also had to discuss my mental health.
To cut this long conversation short, as I have some blog posts here on my blog already on the topic, so please catch up there on those if needed, I was not awarded PIP.
I did not appeal because it is stressful enough alone, but also I had a lot going on in my life with the loss of my cousin and her husband after they got run over, to finding out what an ex was truly like, that triggered me. I did not appeal, because I wanted to keep my sanity, with knowing I was finally getting out of my old work place, to start a new one and I wanted to make sure mentally, I was going to start that job!
Fast forward and as I blogged, after seeing the points system that is used, as a deaf person alone, there was no way I was going to get it for my deafness and as for my report with my mental health on top, I felt stigma in that report because of how it was written how I had a job. Even though you can apply for PIP, while you are working.
If you are deaf, for deafness alone, you are not going to get it. I could say more about my report, but I shan’t. Instead, just read and share the above post link, because it says it all, that many have experienced while claiming PIP. Discrimination and stigma!
The video on the link is unfortunately not subtitled, so I could not follow everything she said. But no doubt it is all what we have felt at some point when being interviewed, or worse.