Thoughts and feelings

Glad I don’t have children

One time, I always wanted my own child, or maybe adopt. But after the last relationship I was in, I knew it wasn’t going to happen. (I wasn’t going to waste my years in another relationship to not go somewhere.) I later learnt by accident via Google, that he turned out to be jailed after abusing a child, as my long term readers will know from when I blogged anout it here. So with the disgust of knowing that, which created my own triggers from past as well as new ones at that time of discovery, I swore blind no one would touch me again, as well as definitely staying single. Which that remains.

But with how things have been with my mum and how I am from the effects of it, I am so glad I don’t have children. What I have felt in my childhood and as an adult, would now be repeated and passed on in some form. I wouldn’t want to put them through it.

Lows and highs for today

I can only foucus only on a day at a time. Each day is a mental struggle. If I try to focus on anything more than a day, even for the positive things, I just find it overwhelming.

I have had a few little highs this morning, that just perked my morning a little.
After my morning job was done, I chose to walk through the nature reserve, as I was going to my local supermarket and there is way off the reserve that brings you to it. On my travel through the reserve, I seen a heron and oh my, I was really close. I have seen a heron before, but not as close as I was today. I wasn’t able to get a photo unfortunately, as it flew off.
My other pick me up was while I was in the supermarket. I came across an apple pie that was actually vegan and it wasn’t expensive. Which makes a change. It was under £2. I am going to be enjoying this with dairy-free custard today and tomorrow.

Photo of packaging of my vegan apple pie

 

© Elizabeth Fisher and My Wellbeing and Learning Journey.

Unauthorised use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to My Wellbeing and Learning Journey with appropriate and specific direction to the original content. (But Guest Posts that feature on my blog are not allowed at all to be duplicated, as that is their copyright.)

Blog post re-share: This Will Help

Spreading some smiles.

Letitgocoach

I’ve watched it everyday this week. It’s the best part of parenting. To do what looks crazy and somewhat embarrassing, in hopes they secretly enjoy it enough to follow suit with their own kid one day.

If you need a smile my darling, this will help!

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Counselling- I thought it be too good to be true

I have just heard from a counselling appointment and now, I have emailed to cancel it.
This was because it wasn’t local and although from Googling to see how far and not long as I thought it would be, I still don’t know where I be getting off, on bus. I would also have to time it right by getting on a bus that by the time I have got off to walk to it, I don’t make myself late. It’s bad enough what I am going for, but the anxiety to get to it.

Also, it was at a time I’d still be at work. Mum has disrupted my life enough. I’m not going to distrupt it further, by having to have time off for counselling when a more suitable time can be fixed. But that’s to think about and sort, when the counselling is more local.

 

© Elizabeth Fisher and My Wellbeing and Learning Journey.

Unauthorised use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to My Wellbeing and Learning Journey with appropriate and specific direction to the original content. But Guest Posts that feature on my blog are not allowed at all to be duplicated.

A quick chit-chat

With it now getting colder for some time, this fleecy blanket has not been far away in my living room to grab and put over my legs. A blanket that I have some years and that is very cosy, which was a Christmas present.
Sometimes, this has been draped over the bottom of my bed.

Pink on ine side and floral on the other

I had been looking at unblocking my mum’s number from my phone today, but I have kept it blocked, because I could not set it as I would like.
I wanted to allow the texts to come through, but not the calls. There is no option this way, other than you either block, or unblock a number. I will have to just keep an eye for the notification of an attempt and check in case there is a text.

A very small part of me wants to send a text, but it’s causing huge anxiety at the thought of it.

I am still waiting to hear from the counselling services and I have a feeling I am going to be waiting much longer than before. This was to have a face to face assessment with me not using the phone.
I decided to query via a company programme that I have automatically with my evening job, to query about their counselling, in case I am likely to get in a bit quicker with these. 

Coming back from work this morning and I seen a man walking in shorts!

Anyone else daring to wear shorts, when it’s cold?

 

© Elizabeth Fisher and My Wellbeing and Learning Journey.

Unauthorised use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to My Wellbeing and Learning Journey with appropriate and specific direction to the original content. But Guest Posts that feature on my blog are not allowed at all to be duplicated.

Kindness

“Kindness costs nothing.
Be kind to everyone, including yourself.” x

 

© Elizabeth Fisher and My Wellbeing and Learning Journey.

Unauthorised use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to My Wellbeing and Learning Journey with appropriate and specific direction to the original content. (But Guest Posts that feature on my blog are not allowed at all to be duplicated, as that is their copyright.)

Blog post re-share: SILENT WARRIOR

I hope my friend Lorraine does not mind sharing this post. I share this because it is so true and I have felt like this too for so long, but I just could not find the words, like Lorraine has done with this post. Do read this post and while you are over at her blog, take a read of her other blog posts.

We live in a noisy world. Full of activity, with little silence. So much talking, so much shouting, so much assertion of self. In some ways all of that is necessary, but we have become so accustomed to all of this that we often fail to see the things that are going on in silence, in the darkness. Here, battles are being won. Here, huge triumphs are taking place. The quiet, unassuming person sitting next to you – would you know what battles they have fought and won? Would you know what triumphs they have embraced?

Everything does not have to be done noisily, with great shouts of acclamation. Respect the quiet person sitting next to you for they may be a silent warrior who has fought and won many battles.

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“Don’t come near keep away”

November is getting near. The month when at some point I am to meet my mum at some point originally.

My mum’s number remains blocked on my phone, until I come to unblocking it, when November arrives. This was to stop me being disturbed while having my own mental wellbeing break, after the burnout I had in August.
It became no contact, because as most of you will know, mum failed to respect my boundaries I needed when I limited the contact. So it became in the end no contact, until I was ready in November.
During the time my mum’s number has been blocked in my phone, I know mum has tried to contact me still, because of the icon that appears on the phone to show that. Most of October has been quiet until recently in which there has been attempted calls during the time I would be working. Mum knows I don’t answer my phone in general because of struggling to hear her, which then spoils the conversation, or worse, arguments because I cannot hear well and I can get frustrated by that, as well as mum getting frustrated with me because I don’t hear. But also she knows I don’t answer when I am at work. How many I have noticed she has attempted these past few days, had her number not been blocked, it would have been annoyingly going off in my pocket, disturbing me working. That’s if aware it going off in the first place, because when I am moving about in my job, I don’t always feel the phone’s vibration.

I wake up this morning and see another attempted contact. I choose to see what contact she was trying again and this time it was a text. Scrambled at the beginning because she don’t know how to delete text, even though I shown her when she first had this phone make years ago, but very clear after what she does say after, which is “Don’t come near keep away.”

Does this upset me after seeing this? No, because of mum never understanding the damage done to me back in July, with the way she behaved that day, that triggered back memories from childhood and from her overdosing in February.
But also knowing mum does not mean what she says. She’s more likely doing this because she thinks this will protect me. But it doesn’t.
It adds to the further of how I feel about all this in regards to how I feel towards mum, from childhood to now.

I also do not trust mum anymore when it comes to her mental health. If she isn’t taking an overdose, she stops taking her medication. That’s the pattern I have known.

I don’t feel ready to see my mum and I wonder if I ever will. The above makes it more easy in not seeing my mum. So although I had written a date in my my dairy when to see my mum originally. The question is whether I will, because I don’t need further shit and how I feel, I think it would turn to an argument within 5 minutes me being there, or if not that, then me being in tears and walking out, like I did when I was 11 and that is why I don’t think I would ever be ready.

 

© Elizabeth Fisher and My Wellbeing and Learning Journey.

Unauthorised use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to My Wellbeing and Learning Journey with appropriate and specific direction to the original content. But Guest Posts that feature on my blog are not allowed at all to be duplicated.

Chit-chat late October

Had a routine check up, which I was weighed and their scales said 10.1 stone. I looked at her in shock and commented I was 10 and a half when I last checked. The nurse said that scales can vary, but I said that’s a big difference.
I checked myself when I got home and found I am now just a little under 10 and a half stone. So I have lost some more, but not as much as at the doctors, using their scales.
The scales difference is shocking I thought and when I bought the scales I had some years ago, I bought because they are supposed to be accurate and a bit like the doctors. So who’s scales are right? This could cause issues down the line where they say I am underweight and I say I am not.

Looking further into scales, I read this article, which I found very useful. I did not realise scales used by doctors were monitored by Trading Standards:

https://www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/article-6064203/amp/Why-bathroom-scales-LYING-you.html

I asked the nurse what I could do if I found to be losing further weight, because I don’t want to go under 10 stone. She said that to make an appointment with my doctor first, who would then do the referral where I see a nurse, who I would then see to advise in how to keep my weight. This will be a new experience if I find I have to go down this route. If I do have to, I think this is done with the nurse at my doctors, if I heard correctly.

Pj’s and t-shirts

I treated myself to another set of pj’s. That’s it for this area now.
Those that know me, know I am not really a pink person, but these pj’s are a pastel pink and white. (Photo of bottoms looking a little more pink, than what they are.) The pj bottoms being pastel pink with gold stars and the top is white with Bambi on it. The words underneath Bambi are Live, Laugh, Love…

My new pj's

Another day I went to buy myself some new t-shirts. Nothing special about those. They just plain, but I know these will last well, as I have some already of this brand.

My mum

Following on from Chit-Chat early October,  I checked on mum’s home and seen evidence to show the deteriation of my mum’s mental health, so I called in with that, along with mentioning a couple of other things that came to mind while at my mum’s home. I had about 20 minutes chat with a nurse, just off the ward.

I was contacted via text by the person who was going to be assessing my mum under Section 3 of the Mental Health Act, with it coming close to the days they can hold my mum there under the current section. My mum was assessed just over a week ago now and was detained under Section 3 of Mental Health Act.
The person who assessed my mum said that my mum was very unwell, delusional, refusing to take medication and not eating.
Now my mum is detained under Section 3, means treatment can be started, which I was informed of what that would be.
As much as I am happy for my mum to be sectioned, so treatment can be started and expecting this to happen, it doesn’t mean it did not hurt me to hear that. My heart was breaking when I first heard this by text, going home from my morning job. I sobbed all the way home. It just poured out and I could not stop.

You can find out more about the UK Mental Health Act, via this page, which will take you to Rethink Mental Health. All the different sections are there. You will need to scroll down for Section 3.

This is the first time my mum has been sectioned and I imagine when she realises she does have to co-operate, that this will be a shock to her too.

Dvd’s I have been watching:

  • Avengers Assemble
  • Watching the remainder of House M.D from where I last seen it all those years ago.
  • Pan’s Labyrinth
  • XXX (Staring Vin Diesel)
  • 28 Days Later
  • Vanishing on 7th Street
  • Snitch
  • Big Daddy
  • Michael Jackson This Is It

Over 1 year

It’s over 1 year living where I am. My rent has stayed the same and possibly won’t change in the next few years.
I associate eventually landlords bumping up the rent and I am not talking a small increase, from past experience either.
So when chatting with a neighbour recently and we kind of came to the discussion of rent, I said that going by past experience I expected my rent being bumped up. He knows the rent that the tenant above me pays the same as me and the tenant has been there many years. So as I know he has same landlord as me, gives some reassurance for me that my current landlord is different.

Flu jab

Today, I will be having my flu jab. Once home, if not done it before, I will change my bedding and I plan to do nothing else. It’s a lazy weekend I plan to have.

 

© Elizabeth Fisher and My Wellbeing and Learning Journey.

Unauthorised use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to My Wellbeing and Learning Journey with appropriate and specific direction to the original content. But Guest Posts that feature on my blog are not allowed at all to be duplicated.

Organiser and journal combined

My last journal was the one I shared in this post, back in June: My own vitality wheel and wellness journal.
I mentioned in a later post somewhere how I would use an ring bound organiser in future, so it could be flexible with me. I don’t do bullet journaling in a way I once did and so the idea of using an organiser, I could combine everything I wanted in there. That last bullet journal I shared in that above post link was a more simpler version that I liked. But now that has come to an end after it was all filled up, I then used my new ring bound organiser, combined journal. I have been using this a few months now.

Grey marble leather effect organiser

A peak inside.

I still do a year in pixels. I tried to transfer this years from my filled up journal to this ring binder, but failed, as I ripped the page completly trying to get it out. So I did not finish off this years.
For next year, I have found a free printable I like, that I have got ready, colour coding it for different moods – putting stickers on it and writing a quote. I have this in my wellness section.

My year in pixels ready for 2020

The wellness section also contains other small bits of info as reminders I could do for my self-care.
In this section I have included a section labelled experiences, where I have a list of things I would like to do that I have not done before.
I also have a colourful double-page section for plans for this year, which are mostly ticked off now and I have next years drawn up ready.
I have a double-page of some favourite quotes and I have also my personal achievements for the year listed in this section.

The divider cards that came with the organiser, I have used them all. One divider I changed to ‘wellness’ section. I can’t remember now what it was previously. But I did not need it.

The diary section had dividers for each month of the year. I did not use the blank diary sheets that came with it and instead printed my own monthly ones I like to use and that I get on better with.

I have a to do section. So I can list anything here for the day if required and I can tick it off.

And at the back, I have the notes section which just has lined paper. I write anything here, that doesn’t fit anywhere else. I have a few handy notes written here, should I need to refer and my Christmas plans that I am doing for me, I have this here too.

As you can see from the photos, I have personalised it to suit me. I like using this, as it’s very flexible for me. I can take things out, or add to suit, without ruining the whole thing.

 

© Elizabeth Fisher and My Wellbeing and Learning Journey.

Unauthorised use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to My Wellbeing and Learning Journey with appropriate and specific direction to the original content. (But Guest Posts that feature on my blog are not allowed at all to be duplicated, as that is their copyright.)

Halloween

I don’t usually get into Halloween. The only thing I have done a few times in the past, just to get into it a little, was to get sweets in when it fell on a weekend, just in case I’d get a knock on the door. Which two of the years I remember three came knocking and another time, there were none.
I would offer sweets and, I would get the pleasure of enjoying just saying hello and seeing what they may dress up as.
I remember one year, there were some great costumes.
Now I live in a flat, where I currently live, I don’t plan to do this.
But what I have done for me, just for fun, is decorate just a small area with some Halloween stuff.

Skull lights, ghoul and zombie tape.
Light up ghost which changes colour
Light up ghost, which changes colours.

I also have a Halloween sound machine. There are 9 different sounds on it, like for example of some of them on it are, screaming, wolf howling, creaking coffin and an owl.

With the year I’ve had, it’s time to carry on doing something different and having a laugh. This was also fueled by someone in my evening job, who likes to have fun and a laugh to brighten up the place where we work. She plans to come fancy dress and asked if I was going to. I said I would. But what I was going to do is not happening. So I warned her that. But no doubt my work colleague will still dress up. She is that type of person who makes sure she has fun and to get others laughing. I will be dressed a bit different to the usual. But not as I know my colleague plans to dress. I shall wear a black t-shirt with a skull on it. It has something else on the top. But I can’t remember exactly what, with the words eternity, which I have ordered from New Look. I will make sure I am either wearing my jeans that day, or my black cargo trousers and I will paint my nails black.
My cleaning trolley will have the zombie tape on, my ghoul I bought and those skull lights in photo above.
I have plenty of that zombie tape, so I will see if the other ladies would like to have some on their cleaning trolley.
I will take my sound machine with me to work and have fun with that. With that I hope to get them laughing, or spooked by it.
I shall also take a bag of sweets, which are eyeballs and offer them to the ladies I work with. So that’s my fun time tjat night, while working and whatever laugh we all get from the lady who likes to have fun, when she can.

I have to say, when Halloween is done and I take my decorations down at home, I am keeping those skull lights up. They shine brightly in the dark to see my hamster in the cage, while only having lamp on lowest light setting, or if I choose to have my fairy lights on.

 

© Elizabeth Fisher and My Wellbeing and Learning Journey.

Unauthorised use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to My Wellbeing and Learning Journey with appropriate and specific direction to the original content. (But Guest Posts that feature on my blog are not allowed at all to be duplicated, as that is their copyright.)