Double heartbreak

As you know from my last post, I had heartbreak on the Sunday when discovering two family members died. A friend came to take me down to where flowers had already been laid, so I could see for myself what I had read. I can’t believe I won’t be seeing their smiles no more. That is what I will remember first about them; their smiles. I used to stay over when I was a kid, either at the weekend, or for a few weeks. I loved my time with them.

R.I.P. Sandra and Michael.

You were both taken too soon. You were not ready to go yet, as you had many more years to enjoy together.

“You were much-loved by me as you know and it comes as a shock to me and my mum; Doreen, that you have gone. You have been taken early. I find this so hard to take that you both won’t be around smiling. May you be together and smile down on the people you loved.

Love Elizabeth and Doreen Fisher”

flowers and note I left

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PIP assessment

Yesterday’s post did not mention my PIP assessment I had, as I did not want to drag away from what I was feeling that night in the previous post. It was a long day for me yesterday, as I was up at 5.45am. I was going to get up at 6am, but when I woke up then, I thought I’d get up. I was surprised I wasn’t tired with lack of sleep, but obviously, by the end of the night, I was knackered and drained by the time of the work scenario.
I was up early, as I had to compensate setting out earlier than normal as mum was coming with me this time. So I wasn’t alone.
When we arrived in Nottingham and literally around the corner from the place of where the assessment would take hold, we had a hot drink and a little something to eat, till it was nearer to time for my appointment. I did not lose my way this time and for going the right way this time, I could see there was more options to visit till appointment time. The cafe we had chosen was Tuckers, which was opposite the Kitty Cafe. The staff were nice and welcoming and we actually went back there after my assessment for lunch, before making our way home.

As you will know, I have been worried about the PIP assessment due to not feeling that the form suits people with a hearing loss. Also from what I have read and heard from people affected directly with regards to it, in which people who are entitled, lose it. On top of that, as you know, the first time it was cancelled and I did not know until I arrived there, in which I found it was them who tried to phone me, even though my PIP form clearly stated to only use my mobile number for texting, as deaf. They also did not book my Lipspeaker. So I had every right to feel concerned about this appointment.

After signing myself in and meeting my Lipspeaker, the first call was the toilet for me, then we made our way downstairs to wait in a private waiting room outside the room where I would be assessed. While waiting for my turn to be assessed, it was a chat with my Lipspeaker to get to know one another with not meeting her before and for her to know how I would like her to help me, finding out if I knew any sign and if I wanted her to use that too.

The assessment

When it was time to go in the room, I pointed to the chair for my mum to sit at and I sat next to her, facing my Lipspeaker and the woman who was to be assessing me. After the formalities were out-of-the-way, in which I decided I wanted to see if I could lipread and hear the assessor first and if not, then I would look at my Lipspeaker, for her to repeat what she had said.
I found the assessor had a tone of voice that was right for me, but there were times after trying to lipread her for a while that I did end up using the Lipspeaker to get it repeated. When my mum spoke to add her part, I relied on the Lipspeaker to tell me what she had said every time, as she was sat a little further back from me and I can’t lipread sideways on, on top that I don’t hear my mum as well now.
Some questions were a repeat that were already on the PIP form and some were new. This gave me a chance to add, or amend anything by doing this. Every time the assessor spoke to me, she always looked at me directly so I could see her face. She never covered it and when she asked some certain questions about my hearing loss, I felt with this and making sure she always looked at me when she spoke that she had awareness. I have read how some assessors have not been helpful and done tests that were not acceptable towards deaf, but I have never received anything in the assessment room that was not acceptable. She only asked questions, nothing else.
My assessment was under an hour and although it was relaxing in the room, I wasn’t fully relaxed because of questions I would know that would possibly come, when it came to talking about my depression and anxiety. I thought more questions were going to be asked than that with regards to my depression, so just when I thought I may not hold it  together on the subject she asked me, it was on to a different topic.
I did have tears in my eyes after a particular question about how I feel and why. I don’t know if it may have been obvious to her. It’s not nice saying how you truly feel in front of your own mum, that you wish you were dead and that I have thought these thoughts, I just not acted on them. I just instead wished that when I went to bed to sleep at night, that I did not wake up the next day.

My opinions after my own PIP assessment

As I have mentioned, staff are pleasant and so is the assessor. The environment was relaxing and welcoming, even though I was not relaxed. The assessor always looked at me when she asked me questions and never ever covered here face. She even used some sign herself when she spoke, which was nice. I have the confidence that what I said, is down on those notes, but because of how I feel about the PIP application process, I still wonder whether I will get it. The waiting will be long, because of the back log, so it will be many weeks before I know anything, so until then my DLA continues, till they make their mind up at DPW.

Hoping 2

Last time I written a post about hope, was just over a month ago and I hope again. I am feeling desperate after another work night and as I write this, I am trying to calm my anxiety down. I am upset, feeling nausea and I can feel a migraine coming on, so as soon as I air this, I am off to bed. I shall let my cat sleep with me, as I know she senses my upset. She was upset from what she picked up, but is happy on my lap as I write this now.

I am hoping I can get through the next 2 days at work, then it is a long weekend. A very long one, due to having my tooth out next week.

I am hoping to get through tomorrow morning, when I visit someone who would like a small favour. Then I am hoping I get through my shift, later that day, and the next day, as already mentioned.
I would like to phone in sick, but this would be awkward to do, I think on so many levels. Not me. Them.

I am hoping I can be myself on Friday, because I have a job interview.
I am thankful I have this interview alone, but I am hoping (and desperate for this job.) My mum says to try to not get my hopes up, but I can’t help it and I am desperate. I really need this break. If I am unlucky to get this job, I would apply again if it ever came up. I would not give up. But I am hoping I will get this. I don’t know what I would do if I did not.

That’s my hoping for now.

Chit-chat – October

Learning

I received my certificate for Health Care (Foundation) with BSY, near the end of September, which I received ‘High Merit’ for. As for my other home study; pet sitting course, I took a break from studying to feel refreshed after the effort I put in with the two courses at BSY, now finished as you know, except for still sticking my head in books to help with my theory test and learning to drive. By the way, if you have not already seen this post; Theory test; attempt 2, I passed and my driving lessons are in November.

My hand

I have nothing to report about my hand much, as I am having a problem trying to get an appointment at the moment with the doctor, to see about results. I still have pain, but it has eased a bit, but it can still catch me out. I still use my pain-killing gel and take paracetamol. I have limited to how I use my hand, like making sure I don’t put any exertion on it, which I think has helped too in reducing pain.

My tooth

My tooth that has been a long wait for to have extracted, is on the 17th October.
When I have been taking paracetamol, it has not only helped my hand, it has also helped to reduce the pain on this too. It is very tender to touch around the right hand side of my face, near my nose. The pain or discomfort seems to transfer to my cheek bone at times too. I will be glad when it comes out. I have felt nausea at times this past fortnight and I am wondering if it’s the abscess that is making me feel like this.

PIP

PIP assessment is this week and I am hoping this time they don’t cancel, because if I arrive there to find it has like last time, I will write a written complaint. Not that I will forget the last time at this weeks assessment, as I shall raise it there at the appropriate moment.

The job front

I will be glued to my email inbox to see if I hear from either of the cleaning jobs I applied for. One of them does not have a closing date, but the other does, which was last Friday. If I am lucky to hear from them, 48 hours before interview day, then the interview will fall this Friday.

To stay where I am at the moment

As you know from my last chit-chat, I had extra worry when I heard my rent was going up, while making my way to my PIP assessment. The extra worry on top of losing PIP, made me feel sick. After chatting with the person who manages the property on behalf of the landlord, I felt happier and a little reassured. So it has taken a little pressure off. As tempting as I want to move from the area now, I did not want to do it while I have my cat Miley. So as I continue to live here for how ever long I have Miley, I don’t want to move until I am ready to downsize, because the type of property I would want, I would not be allowed a cat. But if it turns out I did not get anywhere with this job and I heard from the other one which is local, then moving out of the area would be rather a stupid idea, as I could walk to it and so if this happened, then I would downsize to a property in my local area, if possible, when the time came. Wherever my next move would be in the future, I will be picky.

Finding the balance

The urge to move out of my area, I don’t think helped with how I was through other stresses I had, that I have blogged about in past posts, that affected my moods and how I was feeling. Although I still have the urge to live in another area, it is not as strong as it was. I think if I am in a better job, everything would follow on ok and everything else would balance out. I have seen this, while I am lucky for it to be calm at my workplace and making sure I have my time out moments like I did on my D.I.Y. retreat.

I also learnt after my retreat, that I need to make sure I don’t drink too many lattes when out and about, (unless it is the decaf kind) because know that having more caffeinated drinks than I usually would when out, does not help my anxiety.
Looking back after my D.I.Y. retreat, I am aware before leading up to that, that I was drinking a lot of lattes more than normal which became my comforter drink. When I felt tired, down and stressed, I would make my way out for that smooth latte from my favourite place. I can remember that every sip I drank, I enjoyed, but I also remember how I felt comforted, which replaced sweet food. Either not good, when you have too much. I am surprised I did no give myself a migraine, (or bad headache) and nausea with how many I had a week. So now, when I go out, latte I still have, but depending on how many I have already that day, or that week, it may not always be my first choice.

I have taken timeout this weekend. Not a set schedule like the D.I.Y. retreat, but still doing something.
Saturday morning, after feeding Miley and having my breakfast, I read a book, then I went out to a coffee and cake morning that a local shop was having to raise money for Macmillan. I met my mum there and while there, I browsed the handmade gifts in the store. I bought something for myself and the other was towards a Christmas present, to go with something else I bought earlier on in the year. Me and my mum then walked back to mine and chatted back at mine for a couple of hours over further decaf tea and decaf coffee.
When my mum decided she was going to leave, to make her way back home, I decided to make my way to Nottingham for a bit. This was to do some Christmas shopping while I had the money, while soaking up the atmosphere. I was just down there for a couple of hours, before coming back home to have my dinner, then I relaxed with book.
Sunday, after my breakfast and feeding Miley, I continued reading my book while the washer was on. Basically just having a lazy day and nothing else planned.

Theory test; attempt 2

Yesterday was my second attempt at the theory test, so as I knew what to expect from the moment I entered the building, I hoped this time I would have no nerves, (or little as possible) and be relaxed for my test.
The only time my nerves kicked in a little, were half way through my hazard perception, then excitement. I was battling to control both of these, especially my excitement. When it came to collecting my results, I did not look at them till I was outside. This was because one, I was nervous if I failed and two, should I have passed this time, I knew I would scream.
So when it came to opening my paper to look at my results, I found I passed and I screamed with excitement. Tears started to flow a little as I made my way to the bus station from there and, my grin and excitement continued all through my shift at work, later that evening. 😀

I emailed my instructor before my shift started, to let him know I had passed and when I checked on my emails later, when back home from work, I had an email from him informing me of the week I am having my lessons and times I need to be available between.
My lessons start from 20th November and ending on 24th November, (with test being 2.30pm.) So with these being intensive lessons, you will find me quiet on the blogging front, starting from the week before my lessons are due and when I have finished. Also, any emails I may receive, I won’t answer until I am back to normal with my blogging.

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