I don’t give a …

Content warning: swearing and the mention of child abuse, but details in old post links, from this post.

My long-standing readers may have noticed that I have started saying the names of areas where I have been on my blog. This is now because basically I don’t give a fuck. If it turned out a particular ex hoped to track down where I live and make personal contact with me, then he will​ in a lot of trouble and have more to worry about. I would scream and shout out, to let those nearby that they have a child abuser about.

To remind readers old and new, an ex I broke up with some years ago, because after 6 years he could not commit and gave me the same fucking answers, when I asked when he moved in. I knew what I wanted the last four years of that relationship, but I waited patiently the last two. He wanted me to hang on for another year, but I wasn’t having that and I called it off for a year, saying to him that during that time, I would not get back with him.
During that time, he had to think about what he really wanted and to be honest with himself, as well as being honest with me. I wasn’t going to promise him if I would get back with him after our break, but I definitely would not be with him before.
In the end, I chose not to get back with him, but he wanted to remain friends and so did I. But he soon failed on that one within months and he knew it, with how his last text came across to me, which I chose to ignore. A friend said expect another before he gives up, but I said I would be surprised if I got another, because he knows he has blown it. I was done.
I was right, I heard nothing more from him.

Fast forward some years later and by pure accident while researching something, he came up in the Google search. It was just a photo I seen at first. I did not even observe the writing that came with it. I was staring at the photo, because it was obviously a recent photo since I last seen him. He looked quite different, so I was questioning if it was really him. I knew that because of background and how he looked, that it was a police photo. After clicking on the link to read more, my life changed and so for my family.
When I split up with him all those years ago, I was disappointed in him. My family felt the same.
But when I read what he had done, I was distraught and sick to the core. I fucking hate him and I hope he rots. How I felt even further are described in related post links below, as I really don’t want to repeat it here, even though I feel sick just writing this,at this point.

I kept places where I live, or where I go private, so that I don’t give him a chance to find me. This was to protect me, because of how greatly I was first affected and how I am still affected. If I bumped into him, wherever he ends up, after he is released, if he survives jail, I do not want to bump into him. I know I will be hugely triggered, because of what he done to that child, which during all the time we were together, this had already possibly happened. All I know, is from what I read and this happened some time in the same year I went out with him. I started going out with him at the end of that year. But if it happened before I went with him, I still knew him as a friend. Or I thought I knew him. As I have mentioned​ in another blog post, I did not know anything was going on and as I blogged, you don’t always know as you think.

I am also triggered if I ever see him because I have been abused as an adult and that affected me big time, but to be abused when a child, I could not even imagine.
He helped me when I had a flashback to when I was raped. He supported me, by coming with me to Nottingham, just to help me where I needed to go, for my first counseling session. He came across caring and never did I feel pressured to have sex, during the time I was with him. A cuddle, felt just a cuddle. Nothing more. When we would see on the news about a child being abused, or missing, we both had views about it. Never, during these times, did I suspect anything wrong.

How could he harm a child and keep that hidden, in all that six years?

Would he have harmed his own daughter? Did he harm his daughter, during the time she had a week with him? (First partner split with him and left taking both and son and daughter with her. She was 2 years old, ex said, at the time they split up. Son older. They lived very far away, that involved boat, or being in an aeroplane, to get where they lived, so missed most of their years. I wonder what she has thought of this? as their relationship was much longer than ours.)

Did he harm another child he cared for quite a lot. Or was that child lucky, being a boy?

Did he honestly think I would stand by him, when this came out, had we been still together by then?

Remembering​ my last ever conversation with the ex, via Skype, before having that year break, I will never forget that last conversation I had with him. This is because I remember his body language when I said to him, “I think I know why you don’t want to move in with me?” He looked like an animal caught in headlights.
Now you have to realise, that this was at a time the child abuse had not come out. This is someone I loved and who supposed to have loved me. But here he is frozen, looking trapped. I will never forget that look.
But because I discovered he was jailed last June for abusing that child and remembering that look, from all those years ago, he thought I knew. Had I known then, I would have called the police and I would have fucking kicked him where it hurt prior. Yes, had I done it, I probably would have got done for assaulting him. But it would have been worth it.
I hope he does not survive jail and if he gets out, I hope he is lonely. In fact, I am positive he would be lonely, because the family would disown him.

He apparently is not allowed back in Nottinghamshire. But my concern is if I bumped into him wherever he lands up, as I am not going to know. I don’t want to see him again and if I was ever in an area he’d be living in, I hope he never approaches me. I know I would be angry, trembling with my emotions raking up my past triggers and being physically sick. I wouldn’t keep quiet and tell him to go the other way, shouting so any parents nearby know to keep their child away from him and what he is.

I will never forget the day I found out via Google, of his jail sentence and his crime, in which he had already been in jail for some months at that point. It was just days after the double funeral of my cousin and her husband. The world just spun as I was in a mess, until eventually crashing out and sitting on the floor.
Although a very traumatic time and some events blurry around that day, I have not forgotten the support I received around that time.

For those new to this, or have forgotten some of this, then posts below will kind of update you on that, just be aware of possible triggers it may cause you. Content warnings are in these posts.

Please be aware when commenting of possible triggers for me. This is still raw. I don’t want to ever come across him, but I have wanted to write and have my say with him in a letter, but I don’t want to give my address to him. I don’t know if the police can help with this, or not. I have never really asked, even though I have wanted to contact them ever since I knew.

Related posts:

• Unseen
• To feel clean
• NO, means NO.
• You don’t always know
• Naive?
• Why do people look at you weird, when they learn you choose to stay single?

As a survivor of abuse. – If you ask me to forgive, you are not helping.

After reading Imani’s post today, I felt inspired to write my own post on this topic. But do visit Imani’s post on her own views too, “The ‘F’ word – for abuse survivors.’ By reading our posts, I want you to understand why you have to be careful and avoid saying these words. It does not work for us all.

So back to my views, as my personal story is very different from Imani’s. But my view on this topic is very much the same.

• Don’t tell me to forgive.
• Don’t tell me to forgive because it will lessen my pain.
• Don’t tell me to forgive and say, “I’m not saying that what that person did was acceptable, it’s just so you can let go and move on.”

It doesn’t matter how you place, or rephrase your words, if you mention anywhere in the conversation that I am to forgive, you are definitely not helping me. 

As I said on Imani’s post, I totally agree with you Imani. I hate this word too.

I have not had childhood abuse to the extent as you have, but there are things that have happened and as I have blogged about in my childhood, my 20’s and now discovered 40’s. There is no way I could forgive. I don’t need to forgive to heal, as I have had other ways over the years to heal.

To be told to forgive someone who gave trauma to me and the latest I found out last year, who played a part in trauma to someone else and I learn it happened in the whole time I was with that person, that it re-triggers my past trauma in my 20’s, there is no way I will forgive.

It makes my blood boil to have someone tell me to forgive and only slows down my healing journey.

As I mentioned, in that above comment over at Imani’s post, it makes my blood boil and it only slows down my healing.
The damage will always be there for me, but using the things I learnt in my counselling session, along with the things I do, to help me heal is what I need to do, to lessen the pain and heal. Unlike Imani, I do not appreciate your words when you make what ever comment, with forgiveness somewhere inside that comment. No, I do not appreciate it. (A repeat to make sure you read it right, the first time.) Even counsellors do not say this.

Now you have read my post, if you have not done so, do read Imani’s please. It is important for everyone to educate themselves in choices of words. Not everyone wants to be told to forgive the person that harmed you, for moving forward etc.

Why do people look at you weird, when they learn you choose to stay single?

(Content warning: mentions rape, child abuse and a bit of swearing.)

I choose to stay single, as my blog readers will know and understand.
My faith in relationships is no more, other than friends. I don’t want to live with anyone as a friend, or anything more.
Until people have been in my situation where you have been raped and a little mental abuse in your first relationship, find a second to be nice as he his, but did not go anywhere because I was on like a rebound from the first, but there were other things too and so I had so many years break, before meeting the third.
The third I split up from after 6 years, because he could not commit and so during all that time, that relationship was part-time. I had learnt last year as you know by accident, that he was a child abuser and was jailed last June for 4 years and 6 months. So it is understandable that I have lost faith in anything more than friendships.

Yes, I can live on my own happily and mostly, it is not lonely. I keep myself busy, or I relax. Either way, I do what I want to do and I do not have to consult on anyone. I have my freedom and I would not want that to change.

The last relationship I was in, he gave me faith in relationships. I never felt threatened, or pressured while I was with him. At that time I was with him, he was my friend, a soul mate and lover. To find out what he became last year and never see that in all the time I was with him, he has destroyed me when it comes to having faith in relationships. I was hugely triggered when I found out via a website, while browsing for something not related.
Although I do not talk of this man here, or personally with friends much, I am hurt to find what he is. He has destroyed me. There is no way I could live with anyone, on any level.
I never thought he would be a child abuser and that is what really gets to me. But I do remember how our last conversation over Skype went, which I will never forget how he looked like an animal trapped in headlights, when I said “I bet I know why you don’t want to move?” I will never forget that look, because I was mystified then, as to why he looked at me like that and I did not know then, what I know now. But to find out years down the line what he is and remember that day… Well, now I know.

So please be careful when you talk about relationships, as in expect me to commit with someone in some way, because it is a fucking trigger.

Why do people, expect certain people to live together?

Just because  i get on with them as a friend, does not mean I should move in with them. I value the friendship so much, that I would not risk jeporadising it.

Why do people look at you weird when you talk about living on your own happily, or travelling on your own happy? I’m not the only single person in this world, so stop looking at me like a freak.

I find now when I walk around, that I am very wary at times who is near me. There has been times I have felt threatened. That person was probably alright, but because of the vibe I was getting off them, I felt on high alert and triggered. I know that this trigger has re-appered because of learning what my ex became. If ex makes it alive out of jail, he better not come across me, because I would tell him to quickly walk away. If he was to get close enough, I could not say I wouldn’t wallop him one.

The funniest thing I have received in response to travelling alone, when I spoke with someone many years ago was, “Don’t you get bored?”
My reply while laughing, was “Why would I get bored while holidaying alone? Do you think I am going to stay in the hotel all day? I go out and see things.”

But the most inspiring and complimentary comment received was, “I think you are brave travelling somewhere. Especially when you have gone somewhere new. I don’t think I could do that.”

So please don’t judge someone who chooses to be single, because it’s our right, for what ever those reasons may be. Someone may choose to be single ad not have been abused. We all have our own story.

Naive?

(Content warning: Swearing and talk of abuse.)

The following happened some months ago.

An old neighbour from the last street I used to live on, if we ever passed each other, we would always say hello, or some small chat. I’m sure he has seen my ex boyfriend, (the sick fucker who is now jailed,) as the way he sometimes used to speak, he would talk about others that lived not far from us, or next door to me. (Some would say nosey, but I would say neighbourly for him.) But going by his expression, he did not know my ex, which is surprise, as I had lived on that street for years.
Anyway, when I told him the sick news I discovered about the ex and knowing about how I had been in an abusive relationship before, he said, was I naive? I reacted very badly as you can imagine and I said I wasn’t naive, instead he played a very good act or whatever you want to call it.
But later in the day, this question he said about me being naive, was nearly imprinting on my mind and playing games with me. Self-doubt decided to also pay a visit and lots of questions gong round in my head; questions that either only the ex could answer. But would he? I’d fucking smack him one, before he would answer, cos I know I would blow my top in a way I have never experienced before in my life. I would be hugely triggered, if my eyes ever met him again.
But the other questions were my self-doubt questions that I had stopped before when I first discovered about the ex; questioning about past relationships, nearly asking that question, am I fucking naive and don’t know it? What is fucking wrong with me? How can I go from an abusive relationship and years after, enter another who I thought was caring, but underneath all that, he had a dark secret and turned out to be fucking like that?

But no, I wasn’t fucking naive. I can certainly answer that!

Blog post share: “I am not offended,” by The Daily Annagram

In this post I share a blog post that I have not long started following. Her blog post is called, “I Am Not Offended” by The Daily Annagram.
While you there reading this post, which comes with a trigger warning, as it raises violence and assault, I recommend you read other blog posts from this wonderful blogger too and follow.

This post was written because of something she read, which if you visit this post, you will find out more. The particular words that have sparked this post; “mistakes,” which I can totally relate to and understand and so this post is powerfully written. As this blogger has said and I agree and I have put this short here, when someone assaults, rapes, hits someone, or threaten, you cannot say they were “mistakes.”

You don’t always know

(Content warning: childhood assault and rape.)

As I revealed in my first blog post of this year, I discovered by accident last year, while doing some local research, that my ex boyfriend had been jailed back in June, for assault to a child.

When I used to read about these kind of stories, or see it on the news and it happened that close in the circle of family/friends, I used to think, surely they knew. But as I found out for myself, no, you don’t always know. I went out with him for 6 years and I knew him as a friend before that, for a year or so. (Or I thought I knew him.) Never, did I sense something was wrong, or that something happened in the years I was going out with him, or when I knew him beforehand as a friend.
The only problem I had with him and the reason I broke up with him, was because he seemed to not be able to commit. I patiently waited in the last 4 years of our 6 year relationship in hoping we would live together. (The last 2 years of our relationship, I asked him when he would move in with me. But I always got the same response, “Back end of the year.” With a shrug of the shoulders before he would say this. So after the second time he did that when I asked him, I decided on that we have a year break, in which I told him I think you better have a good think about what you want. He asked if we would ever get back together and I said, unlike him, I don’t make promises I don’t keep. But I could promise that if he had the balls to ask me to go back with him in our year break, the answer would be no. I wanted to make sure he had thought out about what he exactly wanted, because like this, there was another situation he could not give an answer to. I asked him that one again while I was at it, warning him I wanted a straight answer, but he could not do it. I got the same response as before when I asked him.
In the end, after our year break, I broke off with him, but I was willing to be his friend still, even though it would hurt. He said he would like to be friends too, but in the end, he was crap at that as well before the year was out, so I had nothing more to do with him.

All of the 6 years I was going out with him, I felt our relationship was part-time. When I was ill, I would tell him. When he was ill, I would not know until he was back at work, or when he had been ill by half of way through the week.

I always thought when he could not commit and the other situation he could not give me a straight answer to, that he would not commit because he lived where he had lived for too long. But in the end, now I know about this, this was why. He knew he was not good enough for me and as my family and friends learnt of his true colours, they thought thank god I wasn’t with him.

I look at the man in the police photograph, (before I even knew what he had done) and he looks like a crim. He does not look like the person I knew. I felt I was in a nightmare when I first discovered and I still feel I am in a nightmare.

When I first learnt about what he was through that news article, I was distressed and I found it difficult. All sorts of emotions were running through me. (These I wrote out in a sharpie drawing, which you will see below.) These emotions to start with were repetitive.

I have still been relying heavily on colouring since this disgusting discovery, as well as my family bereavement I am going through.

I now question, what was I to him?

He knew about the time I was raped in another relationship and how it affected me.
I even had a situation when I was 9 years old, where I felt vulnerable, that he knew about.
I have been in situations where I have been around a man on more than one occasion that I would not care to be around, because of the vibe I felt; feeling really uncomfortable, or giving me the creeps. So I have got away. But I never picked up anything like that with him.
There were times when we were together at his we would see the news on TV where some bloke had harmed a child and how long he got. Both agreeing that he deserves to be locked up and how he will get it once inside, because no one in prison likes a person who has harmed a child. Yet he was one!

I will never be intimate with a man again

After I had spilt up in a much earlier relationship, (before I knew him,) I was never interested in about another relationship again, because ever since I was raped, I have never been bothered about sex since. Now I have learnt about this sick secret of my last ex, I will NEVER be in another relationship.

People that I have disclosed this to, have said don’t let him ruin a loving relationship with another man.
Or they say, not all men are like this.
But when I went out with this one, he was my third relationship and the longest I have been in. But another that has not turned out well.
I am sick with learning about what he is and it’s like I have been raped again. But I know I haven’t. It is my past triggers that have set this off because of him. It’s sick knowing he has been intimate with me, knowing what he is. I don’t want another man to touch me sexually again.
I feel that I have wasted 6 years of my life, when being with him and I am not wasting anymore. This is why I don’t intend to be in another relationship and I shall carry on living on my own and doing the things I want. I know all men are not like him, but I just don’t want to be in an intimate relationship again.
I can be a very faithful friend to a man I trust and when I trust that man, I can hug them, (I could not do this one time and knowing about my ex could have easily have set me back. But it hasn’t.) I can have laughs and time out with them, look out for them and help them. But I will never be more than just friends.
I want my time, my space and to do my own things. But as I have learnt last year, to allow friends in a little bit more, which I know is still a work-in-progress, but I have allowed friends to be there more than I used to.

I will leave with my final words of thank you to all my friends, that have helped me through a difficult year towards the end of last year, whether you be a blogger friend, a long distant friend, close friend, or family.

Thank you, with all my heart. x

When time doesn’t heal all wounds

A blog post share.

#Speak

After you go through something painful, people love to give you advice. And one of the most common pieces of advice is the infamous expression “just give it time.” With time, the hurt and suffering you are experiencing will gradually decrease until one day it’s gone for good. And yes, I know this phrase may hold true for various situations. But when it comes to recovering from an abusive relationship, it’s a different matter entirely.

An abusive relationship strips away everything you thought you knew about human nature and the world. With abuse, you experience someone you love transform into a monster before your eyes – they degrade you, hurt you, put you down, threaten you, over and over and over again. Experiencing this kind of trauma leaves a very real and very profound mark on a person. It makes you question your previous beliefs that people are genuinely good…

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