Letter to a friend

The following has been brewing for some time and I wanted to really raise this personally, face-to-face to this friend, but with my own personal issues going on, meant it just dragged on even more and when I last seen her, I had to get it out of my system how I was not happy with her because she played a part spreading about my cousin losing limbs and the damage it did to me. Something that she never gave a response back, nor even an apology.

So this letter I posted today. Names here have been withheld.

Dear (name withheld) 

I am writing to let you know I won’t be coming up on bank holiday Monday, in August.

Ever since that day you came to my home with (name withheld) at 11.30am, you have been drunk to some degree since, except for one occasion. And I only see you once a month.
I may have been quiet on this till now, but it doesn’t mean I have not been observing.
The last occasion I came up to yours in the afternoon, (28th July), you said (name withheld) had a go at you 7am that morning, asking if you had a drink.
Well I might not have been there at 7am, but you were slurring and looked drunk, as you were telling me this.
To hide your drink in the past, as you have done and having a quick drink is not a good sign. Even though I have not seen you drink from those two hiding places, doesn’t mean you have it somewhere else.
As I have already said, I see you once a month and there has been one occasion where you have not been drunk.

I had enough through childhood to witness the ongoings and the effects alcohol causes and though you are not like my dad, it doesn’t mean I want to be looking at my best friend drunk already, when I come to visit.

It’s not all (name withheld), I see that you have a problem when it comes to drink and more so in the last 2 years.
I know if I had saved this for bank holiday and speak about it then, you would have been in denial, like I witnessed the last time I was there.

When you can admit that you do have an issue with alcohol and start doing something about it, that’s when I will come back and see you again.
If you value what you have around you and value yourself, then you will seek the help and, support you need and choose not to drink again.

When you are ready to take that step, then write to me, or get (name withheld) to text me and I will come up and see you again.

Much love and take care.

Liz x

3 years today…

Today, I seen on my Facebook timeline a post I had written here that I thought I would re-share. It is 3 years today, when I decided I wasn’t drinking any more alcohol. Yes, I have felt at times I have fancied a drink, (for the wrong reasons,) but I have not touched. The urges are not strong as they were and I still feel this was the best decision for me to not drink again.
For those that are new to my blog and may not have seen my post that explained why I chose to stop, then this post you will find here.


(Content warning: childhood trauma, bullying, abuse and rape.)

Behind closed doors, it was unseen to the extent what was happening in my childhood. How it all affected me and how it affected my mum.

People knew what my dad was, like they thought. But they did not know exactly what he was like.
Until the last few months recently, while chatting about it with family members, they also did not know what he was fully like as they thought.

“If I’ll have known,” they said.

What would they have done?

At school I am bullied for my hair colour, for being quiet, and for what I wear. I chose a school where uniform was a must, to be like everyone else I thought. Yet, I was still made to feel different.

They bullied me verbally. If I wasn’t getting some line of verbal abuse already at home from dad at times, or witnessing some verbal abuse of some kind.

Those bullies feeling great in what they are doing, knocking down my self-esteem, but because of the unseen.
Hey, I already had no self-esteem!

Years down the line, I get married.
It should have been bliss.
But no, I found I was at hands of verbal abuse again and one time of rape.
The difference with me at that point, I wasn’t going to stay and put up with it. I already gave two chances when it came to respect, but it would start again after two weeks of bliss.
I left after the rape, which was the first and last time that was going to happen to me.
But again, this is the unseen. No one see’s what is going on what should be a happy marriage.
After a few months of chatting living back with my mum, I talked about the full extent of that relationship I was in and I realised that had I stayed in this relationship, it would have been the same as my mum was with dad.

Damage from that relationship affects me today. But not as it did.

Verbal abuse is just as bad as physical abuse. If someone experiences this and does not share with you, you will not know the unseen, because you are not there.

Two years not drinking alcohol

It is two years today that I have not drank alcohol.

I gave it up as I found it to not suit me. I would feel low, or depressed an hour after having a glass or two of wine.

Prior to that, I had a time where I did not treat alcohol sensibly at one point, because of a relationship break up of 6 years. With that and how I felt at the time in other areas of my life, the aim was to just get drunk, not drink for pleasure. This last for a few months before I banned it from the house because I could not trust myself. Then later when I could, I drank sensibly until I realised that it wasn’t suiting me no more and I gave it up.

I have not missed it, but during that time I have had the odd times I have fancied a drink. Most for the right reason and a couple for the wrong reasons. But I never gave in to my craving for a drink and I still choose not to drink, as I feel better for doing this in many ways.

It was only just recently with a friend, that I was discussing about how long I have not drank alcohol and I did not realise it was so soon coming around.

Happy 2 years to me.