My feelings – part 7

So this post of my feelings, is all related to the Coronavirus. I just hope, as I write and dissect my feelings here, that it’s not confusing for you, as I am trying to work out myself what is going in on my own head.
But I thought I would write it, because as well as helping me, it will probably help you too. Maybe you will relate as well.

Some of it you will have read before in my earlier posts, but as you progress, there will be new.

Ok. So here are go…

So… as you know, I am 100% angry of the selfish hoarders, stockpiling more than they need. Showing they are only thinking of themselves.
You know from this, I am concerned just how many elderly and vulnerable, will still be vulnerable.

As you also know, since all this started, I have said how I was more worried about people’s reactions, than the virus itself. I also said I wasn’t worried catching the virus, even though I have asthma and deemed high risk.
But I was worried about the elderly and vulnerable catching it. Including my mum.

Now, the following is new thoughts and feelings since. Let’s see how I do writing this.

A couple of days ago, I started to feel panic. Now bearing in mind this panic is creeping in for the first time, yet I am still not worried about me getting the virus.

I have changed tatics too, since that day the panic came in.
I chose to walk to my evening work, rather than sometimes catching the bus that I sometimes do. It’s not far anyway.
I did this because I thought, I would feel safer to walk than be enclosed in, on the bus. Reduce the risk.
So to say I had these thoughts and feelings these past couple of days and I have no fear of catching it myself, I am confused of that panic I felt and my new tatics.
I must say though, I did go on the bus this morning, back home. I didn’t panic. I felt fine. But this evening, I walked and I will do the same tomorrow. Both ways.

I have been feeling down odd times still, since last week and I crave the weekend for peace and quiet at home. Speaking of which, I have decided I am not going to join in with the local litter picking this Saturday. I just want to be a hermit at home.

Tonight at work, I have become upset.
A work colleague texted me to let me know I would need to let my boss know about me having asthma, with it being classed high risk. Which I know I am high risk since this all began. She is off work herself now because they wouldn’t let her continue to work because of her condition being high risk.
She reassured me I would still be paid my full wages, if they decide the same with me. So I am glad about that. But here’s the but for me.
I understand that they are protecting their employees, but I am hoping they let me continue to work. Work is my therapy. It always has been. I am happy to continue working.
If I had still been working at the hospital, I’m sure my feelings would be different and I probably would have been scared too of the virus.
Me having asthma is no big secret and when I had huge problems with it last year, they knew of my troubles with it, so I am surprised really that they haven’t come to me first, rather than the other way round, if I should have said.
So tonight, I sent an email to my boss, which was a pleading one on why I need to continue to work. So he will see this tomorrow if he is at work. Which I think he will be. But if not, then our other boss is attached to this email too, so she will see it as well, as they share their workload between them.
So tomorrow, I will probably learn of my fate whether they will let me continue, or not. I’m not sure if it’s them in the end that makes that decision, or someone else.
As I say, I am aware it’s to protect me. But I really need to work. It’s my therapy. So I feel upset right now, at the possibility of not beingable to continue, until this virus all blows over.
Because of doing this, in this job, I have messaged my other employer now, to remind him of my asthma, in case he has a similar procedure. So my message is of the same pleading kind.

 

© Elizabeth Fisher and My Wellbeing and Learning Journey.

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My feelings – Part 5

Since last post, My feelings – Part 4. I have felt :

• Anger (But not as to the level I last experienced in my 20’s, that I had up to this month, from December.)
• Anxiety
• Tension

The tension I noticed was related to my anger.

The anxiety was brought on by a particular conversation via email, from my mum’s social worker.

I have had a couple of down days, but they have not been bad and an odd tired day. But My Vision Board and Gratitude Wall has helped me to keep going and stay focused.

 

© Elizabeth Fisher and My Wellbeing and Learning Journey.

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My feelings – Part 4

A short post on feelings I have felt since last post; My feelings – part 3.

• Feeling low
• Tired (although since after Christmas, it looks like it’s improving.)
• Anger
• Frustrated
• And the time I felt nothing. Like I put a wall up for a while. (As I blogged in previous post : Chit-chat catch up – part 1 of 2)
• ‘Shit happens’ I dusted off and not seen for a while attitude. (As I blogged in previous post: Chit-chat catch up – part 1 of 2

 

© Elizabeth Fisher and My Wellbeing and Learning Journey.

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Cutting ties

After my set back with my mental health after choosing to see my mum that time, when I called at the ward to deal with her financial affairs, I have decided to cut ties with my mum.
Whether this turns out to be permanent thing, remains to be seen.
But I know I have to do this if I am to move forward with life, to concentrate on me, to live and enjoy my life and keep my mental health, healthy.
I know how I improved, when I chose to take that break for a few months from my mum. But the minute I was back, it put me on a downward spiral.

Regardless mum doesn’t want me to visit her while on the ward, as she once texted before, little does mum realise that my feelings of not being around, came probably sooner.
Mum also still wanted me to do some things on that very short visit, which I said no, because one, you don’t want me here and so I can’t do those that you ask, as I would have to come back to pass them you back, when you do need them. And two, after today, I am not coming back.
I also reminded her that she would need her bank card to pay her rent while she was in, which I said she can do over the phone while here and I am sure the staff will assist you with that. That conversation followed by not trusting them… which I replied before going, that is what you are going to have to start doing from now on, because after choosing to stop taking your medication, throwing away your help and not helping yourself, I am not picking up the pieces no more. Which followed on with another response of, well I will just lose my bungalow. I’m not paying. I reminded her for the last time, do what you like, because as I say, I won’t be pickin up the pieces. It’s your mess.

The time that I choose to see my mum, is when and if it happens, that she is back living in the community with her support in place.
I also won’t visit immediately when this happens, as I will be leaving my mum be for some months, so that hopefully she gets the idea I won’t be there and she will use that support.
And when I am ready to visit, it will only be when mum invites. I’m not inviting myself.

Mum will have to realise that if we are ever going to have a mother and daughter relationship again, it’s going to take long and slowly does it work.

 

© Elizabeth Fisher and My Wellbeing and Learning Journey.

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My thoughts

I am not going to go too deep in my thoughts, but lets start with when I first decided it was time for counselling. My private one I will be having in under 2 weeks, paid for by work. (Just 6 sessions are paid for by work.) When I filled the assessment form, it required next of kin details. For the first time I wrote none, because it’s not like my mum is available as next of kin. Mum can’t decide for herself, let alone me, if something came to the worst.

Maybe you are in a similar situation of having no next of kin. Maybe you have. Do feel free to comment.

So who do you put down for next of kin, when you have no one?

I know from researching and asking for advice back in August, that I am not forced to put down next of kin. So this looks like how it will be from now on for me and where I do know I have my mum down as next of kin on my records, I may start removing.

I had to visit the ward today so I could see a staff member in charge of my mum, regarding some personal affairs, after checking on her bungalow and mail today. I hope they will be dealt with. I hope they dealt with the other, because what I was reading today made me wonder.

I chose to see my mum, but told them how I have been and am at that point I was there. I only managed 5 minutes with my mum and it wasn’t a pleasant experience. In that 5 minutes mum spoke about:

• Germs in space
• Wanted me to save her savings book and bank card, which I said no, because she will need that. I have saved it before, for her. But I am not now.
• Wanted to know how I knew she was there
• Convinced she is well
• Told me to keep away while she’s there like she told me to before. (Even though mum has tried to make contact in between.)

Mum is very unwell in the way I expected. I don’t know when my next visit will be, but it will be no time soon. I can’t see mum being home for Christmas and I still feel like I have no mum. A feeling that I have had for some time now.

Our relationship won’t be the same again. And that’s if there will be ever one.

I still feel there is a chance my mum won’t be around by Christmas, regardless she is in a safe place. The only comfort I have, is knowing my mum is in a safe place.

Now, after this post airs, I am dealing with all the charities that ask for fucking money, or send raffle tickets to sell. Mum has not helped half of these and there are charities that I have never heard of. But whether she has helped or not, I am fucking telling them where to go. Those that know the full extent of this and what mum does, will know where I am coming from. But mum is like any other elderly person in the UK ; more fucking charity mail on her doorstep than what should be expected on her doorstep.

 

© Elizabeth Fisher and My Wellbeing and Learning Journey.

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Counselling

So as you know, I am waiting for counselling on the NHS after my difficulties of this year, messing with my own mental health. I have already been waiting over 2 months for my assessment. (I thought it was getting on 3 months.)

Via a programme that I automatically have access to, as part of me being an employee with my evening job, counselling services is one of them.
I started wondering that if I contacted them, would I possibly get in quicker? So I queried. It turns out I would, because as soon as I have filled in my assesment form, they will source a counsellor within 10 working days.
So I have filled in my form and sent it back in an email today.

 

© Elizabeth Fisher and My Wellbeing and Learning Journey.

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My feelings – part 3

(This post comes with a trigger warning, due to mention of suicide. But I don’t go into detail of this. I just mention the word and the ending of my life.)

So I finally got round to writing this post. A post I found difficult for different reasons.
One being able to actually delve into my feelings this time and acknowledge them.
Two, to understand what my feelings actually were and three, how I was going to write this post.

The following feelings I write, are based on what I have been feeling, or still feeling, since late August to present, as this post airs.

Anger

I have felt two types of anger. The general type anger and the “I hate the world” feeling type anger. The latter, I have not felt for some years and it wasn’t nice to feel that again.

Tearful

Lots of tears.

Anxiety

Anxiety has been a little in the day, but not to affect me. The worst was waking up with it, first thing in a morning. My heart was pounding on some occasions. Did I have a disturbed sleep prior? Dreaming? I don’t know.

Dark mood

As I have said in an earlier post, I have been in a dark mood. I’ve not wanted to be here. I have had dark thoughts of ending my life. But as I have said in that earlier post, I’m not going to follow it through, as I will not put my friends through what my my mum has put me through.
The dark thoughts were really strong from September to near end of October. They are not as strong now, or often as it was then. But it’s still there.

I have had dark thoughts once before, many years ago, but it wasn’t as strong, or persistent as I have experienced this year. Have you experienced it? What did you do?
I am probably doing already what you do, but do share your tips on ways you have distracted yourself from this.

Depression

You can say at my worst, (dark mood), I had depression.

Feeling low

Certainly had plenty of that.

 

© Elizabeth Fisher and My Wellbeing and Learning Journey.

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“Don’t come near keep away”

November is getting near. The month when at some point I am to meet my mum at some point originally.

My mum’s number remains blocked on my phone, until I come to unblocking it, when November arrives. This was to stop me being disturbed while having my own mental wellbeing break, after the burnout I had in August.
It became no contact, because as most of you will know, mum failed to respect my boundaries I needed when I limited the contact. So it became in the end no contact, until I was ready in November.
During the time my mum’s number has been blocked in my phone, I know mum has tried to contact me still, because of the icon that appears on the phone to show that. Most of October has been quiet until recently in which there has been attempted calls during the time I would be working. Mum knows I don’t answer my phone in general because of struggling to hear her, which then spoils the conversation, or worse, arguments because I cannot hear well and I can get frustrated by that, as well as mum getting frustrated with me because I don’t hear. But also she knows I don’t answer when I am at work. How many I have noticed she has attempted these past few days, had her number not been blocked, it would have been annoyingly going off in my pocket, disturbing me working. That’s if aware it going off in the first place, because when I am moving about in my job, I don’t always feel the phone’s vibration.

I wake up this morning and see another attempted contact. I choose to see what contact she was trying again and this time it was a text. Scrambled at the beginning because she don’t know how to delete text, even though I shown her when she first had this phone make years ago, but very clear after what she does say after, which is “Don’t come near keep away.”

Does this upset me after seeing this? No, because of mum never understanding the damage done to me back in July, with the way she behaved that day, that triggered back memories from childhood and from her overdosing in February.
But also knowing mum does not mean what she says. She’s more likely doing this because she thinks this will protect me. But it doesn’t.
It adds to the further of how I feel about all this in regards to how I feel towards mum, from childhood to now.

I also do not trust mum anymore when it comes to her mental health. If she isn’t taking an overdose, she stops taking her medication. That’s the pattern I have known.

I don’t feel ready to see my mum and I wonder if I ever will. The above makes it more easy in not seeing my mum. So although I had written a date in my my dairy when to see my mum originally. The question is whether I will, because I don’t need further shit and how I feel, I think it would turn to an argument within 5 minutes me being there, or if not that, then me being in tears and walking out, like I did when I was 11 and that is why I don’t think I would ever be ready.

 

© Elizabeth Fisher and My Wellbeing and Learning Journey.

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If you followed last night’s post…

If you followed the comments in last night’s post, I choose not to…, you will know, after admitting to my blogger friend, Lorraine, that I admitted, I did glance at the letter.
I skimmed it quickly and I was right, another letter that does not benefit me in any way. It just caused me to be upset, regardless it contained what I expected and more.
I skimmed it because I wanted to be sure there was nothing in it to show that she was planning on harming herself again, with having a text that just said sorry on Sunday night, which I did not respond to as I said in last night’s post, because I was going to bed.
To say I texted her last night as I said in last night’s post that I choose not to read it, I heard nothing from that text. Not even an ok, as she normally would.
For all I know, mum could be dead on the floor. But then she could be doing her own thing, giving me space.
Since this year’s overdose, mum has always said she wouldn’t do it again. But given past experience and her mental health now, how am I supposed to trust that?
I should not have glanced at that letter, until I did my blood pressure reading. But I did and so each reading went higher than the one before. It was high.
I went to bed with huge anxiety. Thought I would never sleep. But I did.

This morning, I woke upset. I was tearful and I am also angry with my mum.
I am at the stage today that I want to disown my mum. But this, I would never say in a text.

I have emailed the email I was given by my mum’s nurse, should I ever need to use it as an urgency while mum’s nurse is not available. I have expressed my feelings there of how it has caused me to be off work last week.
How I wonder why as a child, I was never put into care when I have my mum as she was and a verbally abuse father.
How I was sick of holding responsibility as a teenager, when I had not experienced adult life.
So to watch it all unfold and see the signs that I see, in addition to seeing if mum takes this alternative help, when her nurse next sees her to discuss this, that I will not sit and watch all this again.
I have expressed that if mum does not take that alternative help, then it won’t surprise me if I have a mum by Christmas. I will expect her dead before then.
There was more I had written in this email, but it will make it hell of a long post.

As well as the above in how I feel, I may as well have a noose around my neck. That’s how it feels, as though I have that, wondering if mum has already, or will take an overdose. This is the only way I can describe my mental torcher I feel, as well as living in a nightmare I don’t want to be in.

I thank you to those who supported me in last night’s post and I send advanced thanks to this one, in case I fall behind in commenting, with how I feel in this torment.

Post update:

This post: A change of heart with my mum is an updated post, since this one was written.

 

© Elizabeth Fisher and My Wellbeing and Learning Journey.

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I choose not to…

As I said in Chit-chat August, I had a letter off mum to read when I felt settled, as mum said. When I asked  mum what was basically in it, given that past experiences of reading her letters has not benefited me and have left me upset since aged 11. All mum said was she wrote everything in there. I said I could not promise when I would read it, if I ever do, because all it is doing to me is filling me with dread to read it now.
No reassuring words from mum what so ever, than what she said, “I have written it all in there.”
So I know given the circumstances, this letter will not benefit me and only upset me, reading what I already know and more.
Why should I allow my mum to do this to me again, after many times before?
Well I am not. Not again and so after only having that letter in my hands to read one day, since Saturday, I chose to shred it tonight.

I sent the following text to my mum, to tell her I choose not to read and why.

“I have shredded your letter. I have not read it because I choose not to. I choose not to open a letter that could possibly upset. Given my experience of past letters from you since aged 11, a majority have never benefited me from reading. Only one letter ever did and I won’t allow myself to get further upset then I have already been. X”

How I feel right now. I am getting ready to disown my mum. Yes. That’s how I feel right now and I feel angry also for feeling this. I feel angry with my mum making me feel like this.

Work though. They have been bloody amazing and supportive as usual, when I told them what has been going off and how I feel about it that I mention here, after my first day back, from being sick off work last week.

 

© Elizabeth Fisher and My Wellbeing and Learning Journey.

Unauthorised use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to My Wellbeing and Learning Journey with appropriate and specific direction to the original content. But Guest Posts that feature on my blog are not allowed at all to be duplicated.