It’s not all rainbows and fairies. But it’s what you make of it.

This is something I feel I need to get off my chest and, as I have a majority of supporting and understanding bloggers, because you have been there yourself, I know you will understand. But it doesn’t mean this post came easy, because I have wanted to write this for a month, but held myself back. But now my red mist has visited me a couple of times and my past couple of posts reflecting this partly. I will let it out. Or as I say, ‘rip.’

Ever since I found my mum that day after her OD, my stress levels have not come completely down, because I have and still worried about my mum. And this red mist that has shown out of the blue, in the comfort of my own home, away from prying eyes and recently only showing it partly on my blog, I have been trying until I can’t contain it no longer. All because I did not want to show this unhappy side of me. I feel because I have shown the red mist because of making it all happy and smiley and saying I’m fine, when I have not always been, giving that fake smile, now shameful because I shown the red mist here.

It’s not all smilies, rainbows and fairies. No one can be 100% happy under life stresses. I have done well finding positives out of my life stresses, which I will try and remember everyone of those these past few months here I made, at the end of the post list them.

I have felt partly pressured here to keep it all happy until I couldn’t any longer and I feel I may be judged by one, or two, who are not me and can’t be 100% fucking happy.

I am trying my best and my best is good enough and at a point I really share my feelings now, because I cannot keep quiet any longer, I will also let this shame go with that I have been carrying and not allow anyone to shame me either!

I think I have done well this year considering what has happened and the pressures I am still under

Regardless I am showing this, I won’t be shamed by anyone, because underneath, I have still found positives to my negatives. I just did not find these instant, because the red mist paid a visit. But I found these positive alternatives 10 minutes, give, or take, after!

Also, this year, since that day with my mum, I have been very forgetful. I have been frustrated with this, but also bloody dizzy at times trying to get my head together, remembering.

So this year, the positives I can remember I found from the negatives:

• My mum being alive
• Mum’s situation bringing us together, to where one day be living together.
• From mum choosing to live with me has now gave me an increased chance of being in a council property, than I would have had on my own.
• For mum’s situation to move us further up than before, on the banding list.
• Instagram may have disabled my account but I thought fuck em. I have now created a visual folder on my phone to look at when needed.
• My to do lists are very important in my daily life, now I am forgetful as I am. It works in addition to my diary as it’s more a visual thing.
• I have created a “vitality wheel” for myself. It’s a new visual self-care thing for me. I will talk about this later.
• Walking is my go thing. I may never have got round to running, but walking has never failed. It helps me to feel good.
• Certain scents I am using for comfort in these last couple of months, to keep my mood positive.

 

Mental health can so easily slip

With different stresses in life, anyone can easily take a knocking. But if you already struggle with your mental health, it can easily take a set back. I have considered being on a better path than I have ever been in the past, but I take this down to being more aware with myself. Despite knock backs, I consider myself ok, but I find I can still slip unexpectedly. My latest slip of stress really getting to me, due to Spark Energy is because I have not been on the ball in being aware of my mental health, because I have been so wrapped up with the issue that I consider a serious complaint. Supplying them with everything that they have asked, but not happy with what they receive. This morning, I have had to scan my tenancy agreement and send that to them in an email. I had to learn how to attach such a large file to an email. My headache got worse as I scanned the pages. My time being wasted yet again I am thinking and also thinking, any more issues? Will they accept the agreement? Because after all, they not happy so far. All would be so simple if they just came out to read meters but they do have the photographic evidence, including photographic evidence of initial reading.

A reminder was left for me by Katie, in the comments of this post; I am so glad they are down and out. Thank you, Katie.

I also seen this post on Katie’s blog; “Mental strength.” This post I could relate with how I am again and it also serves as a reminder for me.

I have noticed, but not fully acknowledge the small things, like pots mounting up and left till next day. Something I would not normally do, as I like a clean sink for mornings. But this is what has been happening this week.

The air has been blue in my flat, as in I mean swearing kind of blue. Swearing in general, when talking about my frustration with Spark Energy, swearing at myself.

I am hoping today, as I acknowledge this and be more aware again that this now calms down. It’s my mental health and my responsibility to get myself back and not let the idiots at Spark Energy who only care about their pay packet and not sorting customers needs quickly and appropriately.

Blog post share: Cool your Anger

Great post of ideas, for anger, when you are fed up or on edge. 🙂

Discovering Your Happiness

Below are some pointers on cooling your anger + ways to go about really calming our emotions when we are angry,

When You’re Arguing

• Make it a priority to respond kindly/respectfully
• Focus on breathing slowly + deeply
• Politely excuse yourself from the area/room, get some space
• Accept that you won’t get through to someone and inwardly wish them peace
• Ask yourself if this is worth the energy
• Notice you are angry, imagine yourself feeling forgiving
• Put yourself in the other person’s shoes
• breathe when you want to yell or raise your voice
• Emulate how you think someone peaceful would respond

When You’re On Edge

• Spray a calming smell
• Pet an animal
• Watch/Listen to a comedy
• Go for a walk/run
• Take a nap
• Eat a delicious meal
• Spend time in nature
• Allow yourself to laugh
• Make a joke or read one
• Close your eyes, focus on being quiet
• Write down your…

View original post 92 more words

A trigger that can still catch me out

A trigger that can still catch me out, is when I am accused of something I have not done, that is of a serious nature. I can quickly show my anger as the response I feel brewing inside of me is so strong. This is because of when I was a child, I was once accused by a close family member of taking money from a particular place that she had. Looking back on my very earlier blog posts where I talked about my childhood, I thought I had raised this there, but I don’t seemed to have. I can see why I chosen not to do it, to protect the person. I still am, hence using the word ‘close family member.’ But that person, knows how to this day that accusation has affected me. Who ever I shop for, it doesn’t matter, I will still always come back with a receipt. It’s my protection.

Now recently, another same situation cropped up at work. (Not to do with money, but instead a key.) It wasn’t aimed directly at me, just the department I work for which I will call A. The people throwing this accusation were where I get the key from, which I will call B. It was B’s fault, because from the week before when it was signed back in, at some point it went missing and they did not have anything to show in their book who had it. No one in A had it at the start of the week and it is not needed by us at the weekend. But no, like before, B like to blame A.

Now although I know it was not aimed directly at me, my response and how I felt inside was the same as it would have been, had I been accused. Like they did when this happened before. They decided it was someones fault I found later, from our department, but that person never had that key, because he wasn’t given that one and this person has the proof. But because I knew they were throwing the same trick as they did to me, it got me angry and pent-up. I let my department know what was going off and they were not happy to hear of this happening. (I hope they have done something about it.)
From telling them, I thought that as well as letting them know what was going on, that also it would undo all the pent-up anger I had inside me. Did it heck.

When I was home I focused on my cat, did mindfulness drinking of my tea and lit a scented candle, which after doing this, I was 90% better. I then decided to go to bed early, to switch off, but when I got up the next morning, my body was telling me about it from how I was the day before; painful joints, feeling tired and a little tense.
I went out to focus on my studies and I drank my latte mindfully. Eventually, I was mindfully better, but I still had to contend with my pains and tiredness for the rest of the day.

I know, through the help of my counselling I had that time, that I am now aware that these feelings I have when I hear of accusations like this, whether directly at me, or at A, are the same emotions I felt from my childhood. This, along with the injustice of it all.
My response has reminded me, that there are still times when I have some work to do, to try to ease these emotions less.
I have to remind myself that whether against me, or others in A, that for my own health, I have to try and keep this stress minimal as I can. By doing so, I won’t have the side effects afterwards in my body, where I am tired and having joint pain. But this is going to be hard, I know.

If you can relate and you have tips to share, that are different from what I am practising, then please share.