It’s the weekend

My white pom pom rabbit, now has its pink bow.

Pom pom rabbits. The white one now having a pink bow

I still have not got round with my other bunny. (A lop eared bunny.) Poms poms are made, but it’s motivating myself to shape them by trimming, glueing together, etc.. I seem to have settled with dvd’s.

And that is where this weekend lies. I just plan on watching dvd’s this weekend, with a little bit of housework in between today. That’s my weekend. Dvd’s mainly, with ocassionally looking out my window and see what bird activity there is. I have been observing two pigeons in particular these past two weeks, getting rather matey. If you know what I mean. ūüėĀ

I plan to purposely go to the supermarket again just to get a couple if things after the incident I blogged about here, in¬†How are deaf people managing communication-wise during the time of Coronavirus? This is my way of saying to my anxiety, you ain’t going to make me worse after that. I felt I couldn’t leave it until my next shop and so when I went to the shop today, it was to treat myself.¬†

And speaking of dvd’s. My neighbour bought some more up, as well as some cd’s. I am still yet to watch my other pile from them. Lol I am busy in this department still. ūüėĀ

I hear the weather will be nice this weekend, so I think an hour or two is called for sitting in the garden, rather than my flat, having a break from dvd’s and feeling the air.

As you know, since Tuesday, I am back cleaning in my evening job. But rather than evening, I am in a much earlier time, as my shift starts in the afternoon. This continues like this, while we are as a country, affected by this virus, following our Government guidelines.
Going to work, or when I get my groceries twice a week is the only time I go out to walk. I am in my flat otherwise.

It is just me working in the afternoon, cleaning. Another cleaner is in at the morning. Some things we both cover on our shifts, while other areas are given for each of us to do. Only certain areas are covered with only certain amount of staff in, who are restricted to where they can go in the building. It’s strange not seeing my other colleagues who I would normally see in my shift and its weird coming in at this earlier time. But while the country is where it is currently, I am glad I am in at this time, as I think my anxiety would go further through the roof, walking home in the evenings.

There is a possibility of even more extra hours at my workplace. But I have declined those. I am happy to do the extra few I am doing now, but I feel if I do any more than that, than I feel I am putting myself even more at risk. So I have found my limit and my comort zone. Anything more, I won’t do.

I looked for rainbows on my first day walking to work and I have been looking each day after for anymore. I seen 12. One being my neighbour displaying theirs, after I printed one off for them.

My anxiety is the main issue since I have commented in earlier posts about that, since being on lockdown. The thing is, I seem to be good not showing it regardless how I feel. It’s not something I deliberately do, so I put this down to one thing, being a survivor and how it has been said to me by a counsellor in the past, because this is all I have known from childhood with the different things I have had. I just get through it somehow. But please don’t ask how. I don’t know the answer. It’s just something I have done from a kid.

Do you seem to be good at hiding anxiety?

As I have said in an earlier post and I think in my comments, my anxiety starts before I go out to walk and I have had it through my shift too. Then it’s still there till I get home. My throat tight by that point I notice when home. But thankfully it starts to ease before I eat, otherwise I am know to not be able to swallow my food, meaning I can’t enjoy what I eat.

I am hoping my anxiety disappears in the end when going out, but being in a different world, I start to wonder. But my anxiety has decreased a little at work from second day back, if no where else.

What’s your weekend?

Also, do you get paranoid at the thought if you get a sniffle, or more, you wonder what the other‚Äôs will be thinking around you? Even though you know it’s not the virus.
Like for example, while writing this, I not had long something to eat and the sniffles came. I am at home, so need to worry about anyone else, with it just me. But if I had been having a hot meal out? Sniffles only lasted 5 minutes or under, after I finished eating a hot meal. But just using as an example.
The other example was my first day back at work. I got the sniffles about half way walking to work, because the air is cool and I am wearing a scarf to take that coolness off. I felt really sniffly, when I arrived. But it gone in about 10 minutes, or under, with being I was in the warmth.
Hayfever season soon for me, so itchy nose with sneeezing possibly at times and you may remember what unexpected issues I had last year, how it triggered my asthma. So I will be paranoid about coughing, if I get it like last year. Although, with being dairy-free, I should find I do not have phlegm issues like last year, which I noticed improvements last year when I had a cold.
I just started my tablets for my hayfever ready a few days ago, in preparation so it is in my system before I start showing the signs in May. But last year, it caught me out with it starting much earlier. I have had tiny symptoms showing odd times in past month, but not to affect me.

‘Coffee promiser’ texted me two days ago, to see if I was ok, with all this Coronavirus going on. I answered back, but just because I have doesn’t mean I am going to keep the ball rolling and keep texting myself out the blue. She can do the chasing. (For those who are new and not aware while I call this so called family member coffee promiser, you will have to just look for that answer in last years posts. They are there somewhere, the answer to that. I am not going back on this story again here.)

A rather different weekend style of post to what I usually write. So if you have read all through, then thank you for reading. 

 

© Elizabeth Fisher and My Wellbeing and Learning Journey.

Unauthorised use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to My Wellbeing and Learning Journey with appropriate and specific direction to the original content. (But Guest Posts that feature on my blog are not allowed at all to be duplicated, as that is their copyright.)

How are deaf people managing communication-wise during the time of Coronavirus?

I am upset after my shop this morning, at my local supermarket. It all boiled down to me not hearing well as I thought I had and so due to that, I now feel the bad person.

After getting what I needed and knowing as I am paying by cash currently until next pay day and then I will use my card with knowing money comes out ok shopping here, I went my way to a self checkout till. But those were closed. Now as I don’t normally use these, I am not aware until after the event, that there were some more further up. I went to these self checkouts, because they were the ones I used first time last week. I asked a member of staff that I was paying by cash and pointed to the ones closed, what do I do. I thought from her response I got to use an end till to pay by cash. I didn‚Äôt hear her say there was another lot of self check out tills further down. I just heard till.

I struggle to hear in a supermarket before all this on a normal day because of my deafness and in addition my sensitivity to sound I still have, because of whatever is in the background noise overhead, the tills the people going about their shopping. It’s just noise to me.
I wish all supermarkets in general just stop the background noise full stop and not just make it quiet for a short time (I think an hour) once a week for autism. We don’t need music, or whatever it is in the shops overhead. It’s not like I am going to a disco, or whatever. I am trying to understand store workers who I don’t know, so not going to be able to lipread all the time and it’s tiring too. This all is increasing my anxiety.

But in addition, we are now all facing difficult times as we all have to make changes and I find hearing someone 2ft away, in noise, absolutely impossible to hear and I can’t lipread them due to different factors like for example to give a few:

  • Do they speak clearly
  • Are the lip patterns clear to me
  • Do I know them? Because it helps, if I do.

So I am looking at the rows as I walk down and all I can see are checkout tills. I am looking at the till in the distance with the basket sign, thinking as this is last till maybe she wants me here. But no one was on I could see, so I didn’t walk that far down. I went now to what I think was next last manned till, my anxiety already at its peak before I reach here and I load my items. Out comes my note. The cashier saying I can’t except cash. I could not pay by card because I have no cash in my account to account for this shop. Not until next pay day, with me still in my month where I am paying by cash still. I pointed out I was told to come further down, when I queried further up near closed self check outs and so I thought I had to come here. I said to him I was aware of using self check outs to pay by cash, which was why I queried further up at the closed ones I was paying by cash and so I would use them. But I wasn’t aware of there being some more further down and I did not hear that being mentioned. I did not see those self checkouts, otherwise I would have used them. He accepted my cash this time, but pointed out I can and will be refused next time.
Again I told him I was aware I had to pay cash at a self checkout and I was prepared to use them. But I did not see them and I was not aware of further self checkouts further down.

I did not hear about the part that there were futher self check out tills further down. I just heard tills.

I did not see those tills and I wasn’t aware of them until aftrr this event at the till.
I would have happily put my groceries back into the basket and gone to those tills than have that embarrassing conversation at the till, that made me look and feel I wasn’t complying, when all I wanted to do was a self checkout originally and get out of the shop as quick as possible, with my anxiety and not wanting to be around that many people right now in the world we are living in.

I totally respect the store colleagues that have no choice to be in this situation. But please. I am not the bad person I was made to feel.
I did not hear as I thought.
I did not see the other self check outs. Which if I had, I would have used, because I do comply with what you would like as a supermarket. This was loss of communication due to my deafness and the noise in store and having to now stand 2 meters apart from a person, that I did not hear that vital piece of information.

 

© Elizabeth Fisher and My Wellbeing and Learning Journey.

Unauthorised use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to My Wellbeing and Learning Journey with appropriate and specific direction to the original content. (But Guest Posts that feature on my blog are not allowed at all to be duplicated, as that is their copyright.)

My feelings – part 7

So this post of my feelings, is all related to the Coronavirus. I just hope, as I write and dissect my feelings here, that it’s not confusing for you, as I am trying to work out myself what is going in on my own head.
But I thought I would write it, because as well as helping me, it will probably help you too. Maybe you will relate as well.

Some of it you will have read before in my earlier posts, but as you progress, there will be new.

Ok. So here are go…

So… as you know, I am 100% angry of the selfish hoarders, stockpiling more than they need. Showing they are only thinking of themselves.
You know from this, I am concerned just how many elderly and vulnerable, will still be vulnerable.

As you also know, since all this started, I have said how I was more worried about people’s reactions, than the virus itself. I also said I wasn’t worried catching the virus, even though I have asthma and deemed high risk.
But I was worried about the elderly and vulnerable catching it. Including my mum.

Now, the following is new thoughts and feelings since. Let’s see how I do writing this.

A couple of days ago, I started to feel panic. Now bearing in mind this panic is creeping in for the first time, yet I am still not worried about me getting the virus.

I have changed tatics too, since that day the panic came in.
I chose to walk to my evening work, rather than sometimes catching the bus that I sometimes do. It’s not far anyway.
I did this because I thought, I would feel safer to walk than be enclosed in, on the bus. Reduce the risk.
So to say I had these thoughts and feelings these past couple of days and I have no fear of catching it myself, I am confused of that panic I felt and my new tatics.
I must say though, I did go on the bus this morning, back home. I didn’t panic. I felt fine. But this evening, I walked and I will do the same tomorrow. Both ways.

I have been feeling down odd times still, since last week and I crave the weekend for peace and quiet at home. Speaking of which, I have decided I am not going to join in with the local litter picking this Saturday. I just want to be a hermit at home.

Tonight at work, I have become upset.
A work colleague texted me to let me know I would need to let my boss know about me having asthma, with it being classed high risk. Which I know I am high risk since this all began. She is off work herself now because they wouldn’t let her continue to work because of her condition being high risk.
She reassured me I would still be paid my full wages, if they decide the same with me. So I am glad about that. But here’s the but for me.
I understand that they are protecting their employees, but I am hoping they let me continue to work. Work is my therapy. It always has been. I am happy to continue working.
If I had still been working at the hospital, I’m sure my feelings would be different and I probably would have been scared too of the virus.
Me having asthma is no big secret and when I had huge problems with it last year, they knew of my troubles with it, so I am surprised really that they haven’t come to me first, rather than the other way round, if I should have said.
So tonight, I sent an email to my boss, which was a pleading one on why I need to continue to work. So he will see this tomorrow if he is at work. Which I think he will be. But if not, then our other boss is attached to this email too, so she will see it as well, as they share their workload between them.
So tomorrow, I will probably learn of my fate whether they will let me continue, or not. I’m not sure if it’s them in the end that makes that decision, or someone else.
As I say, I am aware it’s to protect me. But I really need to work. It’s my therapy. So I feel upset right now, at the possibility of not beingable to continue, until this virus all blows over.
Because of doing this, in this job, I have messaged my other employer now, to remind him of my asthma, in case he has a similar procedure. So my message is of the same pleading kind.

 

© Elizabeth Fisher and My Wellbeing and Learning Journey.

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My feelings – Part 6: That ache in the centre of my chest

I may not talk about my mum much, but mum is never far from my thoughts. I just try not to dwell on whatever future lies ahead and the awfulness of last year that went on, because if I do, then I will be only in the state as I was last year.

I have that ache in the centre of my chest, which I have been aware of since  late November, to early December time. I have allowed myself to acknowledge that ache and I mentioned it in my last session with my counsellor. It feels worser if I have certain thoughts/worries about my mum, that can sometimes nearly overtake. But if I continue to focus on myself and my goals, that I need to continue to do now, since I had to make those changes last year, that ache gets duller.

I can’t allow those thoughts to overtake, because it’s the unknown. The unknown I have no control over that. When and if it happens, it happens. That is when it’s dealt with. Any difficulties in myself, I will go back to my counsellor.

I get updates about my mum from a Social Worker as you know. When there are updates. I have not heard from the ward for a while so whether this is because I have the social worker involved now. I don’t know. Or whether it’s because on my last visit in November when I visited mum, which I left in 5 minutes because I couldn’t cope, I had revealed prior to staff, that I have been struggling and feeling suicidal, when they asked how I was. But receiving my own support. So they knew I wasn’t a danger to myself.

I wait until I hear any updates. I don’t ask myself, because I don’t want to open those doors again and find me getting involved like before and going back to where I was before. That’s the Social Workers role now and my mum will have to accept that. I can’t help someone, who won’t help themselves. (This is all I have known with my mum.) I gave all the help mum wanted and at those times she asked for. But she never used it. Also mum, starting to push part of her care team away. (Her doctor in the mental health field.) So with this and when I finally had enough and at the stage of suicidal myself, I had to walk away, making sure the ward staff knew and getting a Social Worker in place. If I didn’t back off, I would feel I was still stuck in my childhood past.
I never said to the ward I did not want updates. I did say in that email that updates were fine and anything they need to discuss, they could with me. It’s just I wouldn’t be seeing my mum until she helps herself and continues to help herself for sometime.¬†

My goals is what is keeping me going now. I have to focus on me and make sure my mental health stays in this better place and not how it was last year.

 

© Elizabeth Fisher and My Wellbeing and Learning Journey.

Unauthorised use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to My Wellbeing and Learning Journey with appropriate and specific direction to the original content. But Guest Posts that feature on my blog are not allowed at all to be duplicated.

My feelings – Part 5

Since last post,¬†My feelings ‚Äď Part 4. I have felt :

  • Anger (But not as to the level I last experienced in my 20’s, that I had up to this month, from December.)
  • Anxiety
  • Tension

The tension I noticed was related to my anger.

The anxiety was brought on by a particular conversation via email, from my mum’s social worker.

I have had a couple of down days, but they have not been bad and an odd tired day. But My Vision Board and Gratitude Wall has helped me to keep going and stay focused.

 

© Elizabeth Fisher and My Wellbeing and Learning Journey.

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Chit-chat

Chit-chat November airing tomorrow, which will be my last post of this year. Until then, I thought I’d air this chit-chat post.

My GP appointment and mum

I seen my GP as agreeded a fortnight after I last seen her. We chatted about how I am, anything regarding my mum, which she asked if there was a social worker that could deal with mum’s bungalow and her financial affairs? I said I doubt it, but could query this. So this led on to an email last weekend to say I wasn’t going to mum’s bungalow anymore, or checking her mail, with how I am and cutting ties with my mum for the time being. Adding that although I don’t plan to see her until she takes responsibility for her own health and accept help from health professionals responsible for her care, that I don’t mind receiving updates on mum’s care, or if any time they need to ask me anything.
I know I can handle this part, with doing this part before on my temporary break. I queried the Social Worker thing, that my doctor asked me and I heard about that today. They are going to get a Social Worker sorted for my mum, adding that they have made sure that they know I can only be contacted by email and was hoping this was fine in giving my email address to them, as they may want to get some information from me. I said that was fine, in an email back and I would help in what way I can.

I will see my GP again, in just under a fortnights time, which by then, I will be able to tell her about my counselling and fiill her in about how a Social Worker will be assigned.

I then raised my thoughts of cutting ties, here, on my blog last Saturday, as you know.

Counselling

My counselling started yesterday. The counselling is based at the counsellors house, in a small building on her property, seperate from her house. I was concerned knocking too early, because I didn’t want to clash with any other possible client. But that’s not the case, as she leaves a half hour window between appointments to avoid this.

So after paperwork was out the way and checking to see if I knew how many counselling sessions are paid for via the workplace, via EAP (employment assist programme.) Which turned out it’s 4, not 6 sessions. So I was told wrong originally by EAP. I tried to find that email to show who mentioned that, but strangely, all those emails are gone and just my replies remain. But I can get an extension, so I will allow that when the time comes, before I start paying my own.

When we got that out of the way, the counsellor told me a bit about herself, which I already knew, but didn’t say, when I looked up the counsellor myself, after knowing where my counselling would be. Then it was me to start talking in my own time, to talk about what has brought me to counselling.

My counselling I have chosen to have fortnightly, because if I feel I still need them when the time comes to me paying, fortnightly is all I am going to be able to afford. But my counsellor will text me next week, just to check in on me, to be sure I am ok.
If at anytime I need to contact her, I am to do so and if I feel I need an appointment sooner than the one I have booked, she would try and get me in sooner.
This was my safety plan because of how I am and how I have been, to ensure I am safe. I was encouraged by her, to not hesitate, should I need to text her.

 

© Elizabeth Fisher and My Wellbeing and Learning Journey.

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Cutting ties

After my set back with my mental health after choosing to see my mum that time, when I called at the ward to deal with her financial affairs, I have decided to cut ties with my mum.
Whether this turns out to be permanent thing, remains to be seen.
But I know I have to do this if I am to move forward with life, to concentrate on me, to live and enjoy my life and keep my mental health, healthy.
I know how I improved, when I chose to take that break for a few months from my mum. But the minute I was back, it put me on a downward spiral.

Regardless mum doesn’t want me to visit her while on the ward, as she once texted before, little does mum realise that my feelings of not being around, came probably sooner.
Mum also still wanted me to do some things on that very short visit, which I said no, because one, you don’t want me here and so I can’t do those that you ask, as I would have to come back to pass them you back, when you do need them. And two, after today, I am not coming back.
I also reminded her that she would need her bank card to pay her rent while she was in, which I said she can do over the phone while here and I am sure the staff will assist you with that. That conversation followed by not trusting them… which I replied before going, that is what you are going to have to start doing from now on, because after choosing to stop taking your medication, throwing away your help and not helping yourself, I am not picking up the pieces no more. Which followed on with another response of, well I will just lose my bungalow. I’m not paying. I reminded her for the last time, do what you like, because as I say, I won’t be pickin up the pieces. It’s your mess.

The time that I choose to see my mum, is when and if it happens, that she is back living in the community with her support in place.
I also won’t visit immediately when this happens, as I will be leaving my mum be for some months, so that hopefully she gets the idea I won’t be there and she will use that support.
And when I am ready to visit, it will only be when mum invites. I’m not inviting myself.

Mum will have to realise that if we are ever going to have a mother and daughter relationship again, it’s going to take long and slowly does it work.

 

© Elizabeth Fisher and My Wellbeing and Learning Journey.

Unauthorised use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to My Wellbeing and Learning Journey with appropriate and specific direction to the original content. (But Guest Posts that feature on my blog are not allowed at all to be duplicated, as that is their copyright.)

Thoughts and feelings

Glad I don’t have children

One time, I always wanted my own child, or maybe adopt. But after the last relationship I was in, I knew it wasn’t going to happen. (I wasn’t going to waste my years in another relationship to not go somewhere.) I later learnt by accident via Google, that he turned out to be jailed after abusing a child, as my long term readers will know from when I blogged anout it here. So with the disgust of knowing that, which created my own triggers from past as well as new ones at that time of discovery, I swore blind no one would touch me again, as well as definitely staying single. Which that remains.

But with how things have been with my mum and how I am from the effects of it, I am so glad I don’t have children. What I have felt in my childhood and as an adult, would now be repeated and passed on in some form. I wouldn’t want to put them through it.

Lows and highs for today

I can only foucus only on a day at a time. Each day is a mental struggle. If I try to focus on anything more than a day, even for the positive things, I just find it overwhelming.

I have had a few little highs this morning, that just perked my morning a little.
After my morning job was done, I chose to walk through the nature reserve, as I was going to my local supermarket and there is way off the reserve that brings you to it. On my travel through the reserve, I seen a heron and oh my, I was really close. I have seen a heron before, but not as close as I was today. I wasn’t able to get a photo unfortunately, as it flew off.
My other pick me up was while I was in the supermarket. I came across an apple pie that was actually vegan and it wasn’t expensive. Which makes a change. It was under ¬£2. I am going to be enjoying this with dairy-free custard today and tomorrow.

Photo of packaging of my vegan apple pie

 

© Elizabeth Fisher and My Wellbeing and Learning Journey.

Unauthorised use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to My Wellbeing and Learning Journey with appropriate and specific direction to the original content. (But Guest Posts that feature on my blog are not allowed at all to be duplicated, as that is their copyright.)

Blog post re-share : Apps I find help my mental health. ‚ÄĒ Life with the Hazelwoods

I have tried three of the apps mentioned in this post and, the one I am going to stick with and see how I go longer term with, will be the Calm Harm app.

It’s all about finding what what works for you.
I am mostly a paper based person, as that’s easier for me. But I have tried apps in the past and found a lot not suitable for me, in different ways. But the Calm Harm on first impressions is good and, although I don’t self-harm, I have been feeling suicidal, as well as having anxiety and depression,
I think this app can help for those too.

Do you use apps?

Do visit this bloggers post and comment there.

When your phone is always in your hand it’s quick and easy to download apps that can help when you’re in a bad place. I downloaded calm harm first. It’s been the best app ever for me. It’s completely personalised and you need a password so nobody else will open it. It’s made for people […]

via Apps I find help my mental health. ‚ÄĒ Life with the Hazelwoods

My thoughts

I am not going to go too deep in my thoughts, but lets start with when I first decided it was time for counselling. My private one I will be having in under 2 weeks, paid for by work. (Just 6 sessions are paid for by work.) When I filled the assessment form, it required next of kin details. For the first time I wrote none, because it’s not like my mum is available as next of kin. Mum can’t decide for herself, let alone me, if something came to the worst.

Maybe you are in a similar situation of having no next of kin. Maybe you have. Do feel free to comment.

So who do you put down for next of kin, when you have no one?

I know from researching and asking for advice back in August, that I am not forced to put down next of kin. So this looks like how it will be from now on for me and where I do know I have my mum down as next of kin on my records, I may start removing.

I had to visit the ward today so I could see a staff member in charge of my mum, regarding some personal affairs, after checking on her bungalow and mail today. I hope they will be dealt with. I hope they dealt with the other, because what I was reading today made me wonder.

I chose to see my mum, but told them how I have been and am at that point I was there. I only managed 5 minutes with my mum and it wasn’t a pleasant experience. In that 5 minutes mum spoke about:

  • Germs in space
  • Wanted me to save her savings book and bank card, which I said no, because she will need that. I have saved it before, for her. But I am not now.
  • Wanted to know how I knew she was there
  • Convinced she is well
  • Told me to keep away while she’s there like she told me to before. (Even though mum has tried to make contact in between.)

Mum is very unwell in the way I expected. I don’t know when my next visit will be, but it will be no time soon. I can’t see mum being home for Christmas and I still feel like I have no mum. A feeling that I have had for some time now.

Our relationship won’t be the same again. And that’s if there will be ever one.

I still feel there is a chance my mum won’t be around by Christmas, regardless she is in a safe place. The only comfort I have, is knowing my mum is in a safe place.

Now, after this post airs, I am dealing with all the charities that ask for fucking money, or send raffle tickets to sell. Mum has not helped half of these and there are charities that I have never heard of. But whether she has helped or not, I am fucking telling them where to go. Those that know the full extent of this and what mum does, will know where I am coming from. But mum is like any other elderly person in the UK ; more fucking charity mail on her doorstep than what should be expected on her doorstep.

 

© Elizabeth Fisher and My Wellbeing and Learning Journey.

Unauthorised use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to My Wellbeing and Learning Journey with appropriate and specific direction to the original content. But Guest Posts that feature on my blog are not allowed at all to be duplicated.