Blog share: Minding Anxiety

A new blog I came across recently, was a blog called, “Minding Anxiety.” It’s a new blog, but there is some useful advice on there, which is written through shared experiences of having anxiety himself.
By sharing his own personal experiences of what has helped him, in his blog; “Minding Anxiety,” he hopes that it will help someone else who may have found themselves to be in situations like he has. Do pop on over, as there maybe something new to learn, to help ease your anxiety and to live with it. I have found something new myself that I plan to try in unexpected situations, which I found in this post; “My Top 5 Fundamental Methods.” The one I will try and it is new to me, is tapping my thumb on my index finger. This will come in handy in unexpected situations, that I have nothing else to hand that would help and I will see how I get on with this.

I also left also comments in this post; “How to deal with starting new things,” after enjoying reading it and finding it useful

Driving lesson update

Yesterday was my first lesson in an automatic car. But this lesson was actually an assessment, so he could see what I was like driving, once we went over the formalities of how the car worked.
This assessment was for an hour, starting at a quiet place with him not seeing me drive before. Then after doing some driving, we chatted about what I already know, so he knows what practical experiences I have had and how I feel about them. We then drove around through some of those situations so he could assess me some more, heading back towards my area. But before doing that, I learnt how to do a three-point turn. He looked surprised that I had not been taught how to reverse, in the lessons I had so far with the other instructor.
The instructor also used his hands to signal left and right turns, as he said the instructions and at times typed his right leg, which helped me to understand I could take my foot off the brake pedal at that point.
Back across from where I live, another new thing I had a go with not doing it already, was parking in a parking bay. Then it was end of my lesson and he told me how he thought I had done and we chatted about it. He then gave me his suggestion on what he thought I ought to do and that was to consider an intensive course. He reckoned that 20 hours of intensive driving would be what I only needed, to be ready to pass my driving test. He said there are certain things I need to adjust when driving, like breaking a bit earlier one example he told me, but other than that, he said, you drive better than you probably think you do. I told him I am my most worst critic.

As I have a theory test already booked, he said to wait and see how I get on with that before contacting him about booking lessons, which I already said I think it’s time I try something different and go intensive now. Then either way, whether I pass theory or not, contact him and let him know what I want to do and then he would get me booked in.
There would be about a 4 week waiting list, but I was told not to worry about the gap because I’d find it’s like riding a bike. You don’t forget.
But if you did, it does not matter as it can be shown again and you would soon pick it up.
If I did not feel ready to take my test after 20 hours of intensive lessons, then he said the driving test date could be changed.
If I pass my theory test, then the theory they would offer would be deducted off. But if I wasn’t to pass my theory, then I would be able to take up their offer of theory in my intensive lessons.

Although I had anxiety in yesterdays lesson, I could see the positive benefits of driving an automatic, than a manual car. I could see that there would be less distraction for me, with no clutch or gears to play about with and because of that, concentrating better on the road. I noticed, regardless of my anxiety, that at times, I felt laid back in the car, in a way.
I noticed how driving this car was a little different to the other I drove, it felt a bit more touch sensitive, in a way. This was explained that this may be down to this car being newer than the other I had driven.

I now when the time comes to get in contact with this driving instructor and school for my automatic lessons, I will look forward to having my driving lessons again.

The effects from my last manual driving lesson

As you know from this post; I am having no more manual driving lessons, that I am having no more manual driving lessons. As you know, the last lesson I felt I had made two steps back, I had anxiety at a level that was not good and not helped by instructor in what he did on one occasion towards the end, that he did once before in another lesson; pulling me over when I did not hear him say pull over and instead thinking he wanted me to do  left turn.
But there was another effect I had from the lesson, that I did not mention in that post, until now.
I am still struggling with keeping my voice. I am assumed this was through anxiety, but I wasn’t sure. But after seeing how I was over the next few days and then looking it up, I see it is. I felt embarrassed by this, but I see from reading it up that I don’t need to be embarrassed. This is a new thing for me where stress has affected my voice and I am still struggling with it as this post goes to air.

I still feel a little down and I have a little anxiety still, especially as I know I will be having my first automatic driving lesson sooner than expected. But I am still determined to drive and if that means driving in an automatic, then so be it. I don’t care. I can see me getting on with it well, when anxiety settles, because of no clutch and gears to worry about. They were a distraction. I have tried my best with a manual, but it is not for me, so bring on automatic.

Thank you for your lovely support, when I announced I was quitting manual for automatic driving lessons and how it affected me, while trying to learn in a manual car. It is very much appreciated.

A trigger that can still catch me out

A trigger that can still catch me out, is when I am accused of something I have not done, that is of a serious nature. I can quickly show my anger as the response I feel brewing inside of me is so strong. This is because of when I was a child, I was once accused by a close family member of taking money from a particular place that she had. Looking back on my very earlier blog posts where I talked about my childhood, I thought I had raised this there, but I don’t seemed to have. I can see why I chosen not to do it, to protect the person. I still am, hence using the word ‘close family member.’ But that person, knows how to this day that accusation has affected me. Who ever I shop for, it doesn’t matter, I will still always come back with a receipt. It’s my protection.

Now recently, another same situation cropped up at work. (Not to do with money, but instead a key.) It wasn’t aimed directly at me, just the department I work for which I will call A. The people throwing this accusation were where I get the key from, which I will call B. It was B’s fault, because from the week before when it was signed back in, at some point it went missing and they did not have anything to show in their book who had it. No one in A had it at the start of the week and it is not needed by us at the weekend. But no, like before, B like to blame A.

Now although I know it was not aimed directly at me, my response and how I felt inside was the same as it would have been, had I been accused. Like they did when this happened before. They decided it was someones fault I found later, from our department, but that person never had that key, because he wasn’t given that one and this person has the proof. But because I knew they were throwing the same trick as they did to me, it got me angry and pent-up. I let my department know what was going off and they were not happy to hear of this happening. (I hope they have done something about it.)
From telling them, I thought that as well as letting them know what was going on, that also it would undo all the pent-up anger I had inside me. Did it heck.

When I was home I focused on my cat, did mindfulness drinking of my tea and lit a scented candle, which after doing this, I was 90% better. I then decided to go to bed early, to switch off, but when I got up the next morning, my body was telling me about it from how I was the day before; painful joints, feeling tired and a little tense.
I went out to focus on my studies and I drank my latte mindfully. Eventually, I was mindfully better, but I still had to contend with my pains and tiredness for the rest of the day.

I know, through the help of my counselling I had that time, that I am now aware that these feelings I have when I hear of accusations like this, whether directly at me, or at A, are the same emotions I felt from my childhood. This, along with the injustice of it all.
My response has reminded me, that there are still times when I have some work to do, to try to ease these emotions less.
I have to remind myself that whether against me, or others in A, that for my own health, I have to try and keep this stress minimal as I can. By doing so, I won’t have the side effects afterwards in my body, where I am tired and having joint pain. But this is going to be hard, I know.

If you can relate and you have tips to share, that are different from what I am practising, then please share.

Book review: “Anxiety: A self-help guide to feeling better,” by Wendy Green.

Anxiety is something I still suffer with, that can still creep up on me at times. Like my depression, I accept that anxiety will always be part of me and its taking each day as it comes.
I have managed my anxiety and depression, (including flashbacks) using techniques learnt in my counselling sessions as well as my own I have found that can help. Blogging helps too, along with sharpie and doodle drawings, to get things out of my system, that I might otherwise pent-up. But I thought I would read this book and see what else I may learn new.

This 172 page book that I bought from Amazon is easy to follow and it explains how psychological, genetic and dietary factors can contribute to anxiety. It offers practical advice and holistic approach to help you deal with the symptoms, like simple dietary and lifestyle changes, to DIY complementary therapies. It’s a book you can dip in and out of and read either all of it, or just what interests you. But I do suggest you at least read all of it the first time round.
I know personally myself, but also through my mental health course on reducing alcohol intake, which this book also suggests.
Also, caffeine is something I have cut down on a long time a go too. If I do drink a caffeinated drink, I do it more out than in, watching I don’t exceed a certain limit I set myself. This book suggests cutting this down too.
There are plenty of other suggestions in Chapter 2 of this book, in regards to healthy eating, which for me is what I mostly know, but it serves as a reminder to me.

It mentions about getting active, giving suggestions what we can try, and it discusses stress management and adopting an anti-anxiety attitude, which one of the things it suggests is CBT, that I have had in the past and found rather helpful.

At the back of the book there is a directory of contacts that offers information, support and products for sufferers of anxiety disorders. Some of these I have not heard of before and so I will be checking them out.

There is plenty of other information in this book, but if I go into it further, it would make this post very long to read. It’s a book staying on my bookshelf for future use.

Rewiring my brain to stay positive after my disappointing blow

After this post; Another disappointing blow which I shared my disappointment with you of not getting the job, I have since tried to keep a positive mind. Keeping a positive mind and going to a workplace I find where my self-esteem is challenged because of what has happened in the past and also this year is very tiring. Some days I just don’t want to get up and my anxiety can kick in some way. It’s hard work when you don’t feel appreciated and just don’t have a clue with your own department no more, which has led me to have no faith or trust because of what has happened,past and present. It has been soul-destroying at times and I had to take antidepressants, as well as counselling to help with this and past childhood issues that came out.

So what am I doing to try and keep this positive mind?

  • As SummerSHINES mentioned in the above post in my comments, see the job as temporary. This is something I have heard before while having difficult moments and it does help.
  • If I want, or need extra hours, then I am going to see this as temporary also. But also I have control in where I would like to clean, by picking of a list that takes my fancy. So I could pick an area where I know it will only be me cleaning it, if I wanted.
  • Try to make sure I continue to practice self-care.
  • Continue with my current studies and enjoy the moment and experience.
  • Continue to enjoy the experience of my driving lessons and look forward to what the future can bring with this.
  • Continue to do things that will take me outside my comfort zone, when I can.