Turning challenging moments into positives

Think about what is most challenging in your life right now and name as many positive aspects of it that you can.

This above prompt came out of my gratitude journal, that I mentioned about in this post, Gratitude. I have been struggling with this page the last three weeks. Knowing how I have been feeling because of all the things that have been going on, I looked and thought during those three weeks, how the hell can I think of something so positive out of my most challenging in my life right now?

After three weeks of just staring at this prompt, I was able to write something today. I wanted to share this with you, due the support you have all gave me during my difficult time I am going through.

My challenging time is anxiety, not helped by Spark Energy, the administrators of Spark Energy and the council from the district I left. But also, after witnessing what happened outside my door in January, which left me terrified and now my anxiety even higher, on top of feeling jumpy at every noise and at times broken, that I have to cry with it all.

The positives are, that regardless how I feel and the above that’s happened, I still somehow seem to be fighting. I’m also determined of what will change and that’s me moving to another flat, or house, depending what appeals at that time, when my contract comes up. I am hoping my savings will still be there by October, to allow me my move.

Spark Energy have not heard the last of me and after seeing someone at CAB today, the manager at Spark Energy will be getting a letter, as advised by CAB. The administrators will also be getting a very similar letter, when I have heard from them. These letters what I have to say are all from a particular email I found in my spam box. So what I have to say to both of them, reminding them on a law that they have breached, someone here needs to acknowledge who is at fault here. CAB told me to keep them on their toes and I will be doing.

Come late August to September, I will start packing stuff I don’t need, like books for example.

Come October, I will start looking where I am moving next and hopefully that part won’t take too long.

Anxiety that I nearly went home

I came across an email in my spam folder. Although it was there and still have suspicions, it had my details correct. I am assuming it’s another debt recovery for Spark Energy, but I won’t respond to these. If I am going to respond to anyone, it will be the first ones, but regardless, it sent me into anxiety. I did not feel well; my chest tightening a little, my throat tightening more. I felt sick. Surprisingly, I wasn’t breathing heavily and I was aware to keep it like that. I took sips of water and warned a person who I was in same room that I wasn’t feeling well. He knew what caused it, because of what I was chatting about before. I felt the need to maybe go home with not feeling well. I did not think I would be any good being there, but I was encouraged to stay and he asked me what helps to calm it. One being water, that I was already taking sips of. He was joking with me as well and we were chatting while he carried on working and me just sipping water.

Although I still did not feel well. It took the worst of in the end and, I was able to feel I could stay and carry on what I am doing. Lunch, I had a cob instead of chips, because I knew with how I was feeling I would struggle eating, which one the possibility of my throat seizing up when I swallow.

When it was time to go home, as I felt before, it filled me with dread. But I did not reveal that at my volunteer place. But they do know when time comes to my contract ending where I currently live, that I will be looking again, which they will give me a reference like before, if required.

Thursday, I plan to go back to CAB, to update them from previous week and ask them advice, as well as showing them that email. I want to see if there is a way I can complain about how this whole affair could have been done better. Not just by Spark Energy, but by the administrators as well.

The weekend just gone prior to all this, all I did was mostly sleep, or doze.

I really don’t want to be living where I am and the person said do you think you could move out earlier because of all that? I am not even going to see, because I know as much as I would like to leave now, everyone is doing what they need to do and reassuring me. As I am not being threatened and only witnessed, doesn’t mean you get that privilege to move before.

Only thing I am waiting in is actually speaking to the police about it. I have heard nothing since replying back to an email last Thursday night, giving my personal details to this policeman.
And from the other person I spoke to prior from the council, which he updated that the police had been to the property that afternoon and when they will be back dealing about the other, I’m no wiser what has gone off since. Like is he registered, or not? Was it in the property? Did they speak to the neighbour below who corrected me on the gun he was holding, because he witnessed it himself? Did that neighbour admit to them he seen it, if they did speak? The questions go on.

On the outside I might be shouting at times, but on the inside I am breaking.

I have been that stressed and fuming with the things that I have gone on. But just because I am extremely vocal at times, fighting for my rights, on things that shouldn’t be happening in the first place, doesn’t mean at these times I am feeling strong. I have had enough. I am tired. My anxiety is there and with certain providers due to experience received, I do not trust. I am not sleeping well due to some of this.

As I write this, I am out in town early. I will soon queue up in the cold outside, to be early for CAB, to avoid hopefully any queue. I hope that by the time I am out, the issue is sorted regarding this old bill sent to me by the administrators of Spark Energy. Another issue I should not be dealing with, as this bill was paid. Another day I am wasting. I am fed up. Administrators are supposed to be working with Spark Energy. If they were, I wouldn’t be receiving this. But then, given experience I have had, it shouldn’t come to no surprise.

Where would I be, if I did not have friends near and, far,  and that of includes my blogging friends here. My mum has been big help.
Although things started getting difficult last year, January has been a tough month of all.

Thank you to each and every one of you, whether it’s through my blog I know you, or personally.

For the first time tonight, I did not want to go home.

For the first time tonight, (on 29th January) I did not want to go home after work.

I left my home at 3.30pmwith plans for a visit at a cafe, have a drink, while using WiFi. Instead, I left upset, shaky and went straight to work.

This post is completely the opposite of what I have in draft, that I written earlier today. I thought I was going to air a post describing how my January did not end up being so blue. But now, I write how I have had enough.

So what caused me to be upset?

The neighbour upstairs. That neighbour I said in an earlier post that he had something in his hands that could get him arrested.
Once again, he has allowed his dog to foul my door mat outside. He has come back from walking his dog and it has pissed on my door mat and there is shit on the mat opposite. I discovered this about 3.30pm. This is not the first time this has happened.

I told all at work. My boss being supportive. No one from police hub was available at that point to speak to today, as they have a changeover at around that time I start work. But tomorrow, I will be speaking about everything.

About how 5th January this year, that moment I witnessed through my spyhole of  neighbour who lives above, waving a shotgun around. Yes, that is what he had and yes, I now say it here, that I felt I could not say here in Tainted view.

I will be mentioning this dog fouling he is doing, showing photos taken today and how it’s happened before.

I will also be revealing my concerns of the neighbour above, who likes to throw his cigarette butts carelessly out the window. I have watched a couple this year land in a bush, smoking away still. My concern is when summer comes, if we have a good one, that there is a risk of a fire, because of this carelessness.

Today has left me pasty, with me being shaky today, because I have had enough. But work has been supportive. Including my landlord, after I filled him in.

Now tomorrow is tell all with this, to a warden from police hub. This is all new experience to me, when this happens tomorrow.

Post update on the hand that gives, is also the hand that can bite!

A short post to update on the The hand that gives, is also the hand that can bite! post.

I have been looking around the council website and realised that the request of it going further to the Review Board I made is probably the wrong direction, because it is not about the money, it is about the service and also that letter I received where I was judged. So I have sent another email on this, saying just that and where my complaint will be going, because I do expect an apology for that judgement made.

I have also requested that I would like a copy of the statement I signed back in November 2018, so I can check nothing has been edited since it left my hands and that if they don’t like that, that I say, then to imagine just how I was feeling with their judgement they made. I want that copy sent to me within the next three weeks by post, or email.

Once I have that and I have checked that is fine, I shall write my formal complaint – stage 1 process. The form I have downloaded ready for it.

Blog post re-share: Why Those of us That Can, Must Fight — The Bipolar Writer Mental Health Blog

I would like to share this post with my readers, from The Bipolar Writer Mental Health Blog.

I also agree with the first commenter in that blog post too, by Alanpenrose5654.

Do take a read of this blog post and the comments. Also, if you are not already following this blog, I totally recommend you do.

I hope that all of us in the mental illness blogging community have the same goals–to end the stigma surrounding mental illness. I believe that to keep the fight going and maybe educate those that have never walked a day in our shoes, it is imperative to share your story. We are all unique, and though we may share similar symptoms of our collective illnesses, it is how you deal and your past that might help future mental illness sufferers.

via Why Those of us That Can, Must Fight — The Bipolar Writer Mental Health Blog

The hand that gives, is also the hand that can bite!

As you will know in January, I had enough, if you read this post; Oh, go away January! I mentioned in that post of another issue I was having, the council from the district I left. This post is an update on that issue. I ended up paying it! No surprise there, because I have been reading up that even if the council is at fault, they will still claim back. I have also paid it now on principle, because I found their response even more insulting. They are making out that when I went in November, that I was aware of being paid benefit that I was not entitled to. And that has what has really fucked me off. They have judged me on something I did not say, because I did not know at that time I had been paid. I have took this matter further, as it said in their letter I could do. They also commented that I did not provide the evidence to back up my claim why I should not have been paid. So the follow-up email shows, I hope, how offended I am by their reply. I have told them that I wasn’t aware they were still paying me when I went in November. I did not know they paid me this until I viewed my online banking account in December. I told them I went because I had a new council tax bill and this was what made me wonder if they had not closed it.

This is my email to them, below. I wish I could type you the letter I received from them today, but it was a very long letter. But my reply will highlight what has really got to me.

I am aware there are small typos in my email below, but I have left it like this to show how I responded to the council.

I don’t want any offer of money back, should they offer. Not that I think this would happen. But if they do, I won’t keep it and instead it will go to a charity of my choice. The whole argument I have with this, is that it should not have happened. It has not happened before when I moved in the Ashfield district. So why happen now? This is what I want them to acknowledge. I don’t want anyone else going through this.

Dear Sir//madam

After receiving your letter today, that was dated18th January 2019, I am not happy with your response and now I seek to request  that you take it to the Review Board, as you stated at the end of your letter. Please email me with regards to your Review Board process.

I am not happy with your response to how you make out my email dated 5th October 2018. When i written that email with details of everything required that I was vacating, that was an official notice. It wasn’t a warning what was to come, because this was happening. You were informed that day because i knew the details on that day.

When I came in on 5th November 2018 and made that statement. It wasn’t to inform you I officially left. I was there to complain about it and why it had been ignored. Hence I was asked to write that statement.

I have noticed how the service has slacked over the coming last few months and although I have not complained about that, I wasn’t going to let this one drop.

This what I experience, I have never experienced this before. I have done what i was asked, providing you information on moving in the same fashion as before. Yet this time, this happens. Why? I feel there is a cover up for your mistake and you are trying to pass the buck on me. I don’t like being made out that I am trying to seek extra benefit as if i am frauding.

I have always updated you accordingly and yet made out I was in the wrong.

I wasn’t aware until December that money had gone into my account by you, when viewing my online account. I acted in November on suspicion it had not been closed, because of receiving a new council tax bill.

You say I did not provide extra evidence on 18th January 2019. This was because you already have the evidence, which you have acknowledged in this letter! That email on 5th October 2018 was my official notice i was leaving and it should have been closed by you on 22nd October 2018, my leaving day or before, depending on how you are supposed to act on this information.

When I received that payment, I thought this was some overpayment owed, because around this time, i received council tax refund.

You have not explained why the papers were bundled in no particular order that confused me in November.

You have not explained why again when sending request to pay you back invoice why, you put that together, that it ended up going to old address, instead of new address?

You accept that and you apologise in letter on taking long to act on closing my account. Which if this was acted on in October, on my email received, we would not be having this conversation right now.

After I send this email, I will next pay that amount for the principle on what I say that I don’t con out of the council. The point is what I want acknowledged, which you have partly, but not fully, that you have not acted accordingly in closing my account when you should and that is clearly your fault because you did not close it in October with information supplied.

I do not want tis to happen to other people and I want you to make sure it does not happen to other people.

I will never return back to Ashfield to live for different reasons. But this one will be another that I  shall add to that list of reasons not to return.



Miss Elizabeth Fisher