I don’t seem with it

The last few weeks have been mentally and physically draining. You will have probably picked that up in my posts as you read them, even when I did not say it.

I talked about how I was so Craving quietness.
I was craving it badly that final week at work and after a week off, for the first time ever, I did not want to go back. Now I love work still, so don’t get me wrong. At work that has been a little trouble going on, which I cannot go into and I won’ go into detail. It’s not directly at me and it’s not my employer causing it. But what has been going off, has affected the atmosphere due to this incident. It wasn’t quiet at work and the tension in the atmosphere was high and there still is tension. I dreaded going back after the quiet week I craved and my mood was very dark Monday. My mood is a little better but not much.

As I have been learning and as I mentioned here, I am a ‘Highly Sensitive Person’ (HSP) I discovered. With how I have been the last few weeks with the slight difficulty in the moving process, the tiredness both physically and mentally, I am really picking this up at work and it is affecting me. Yesterday, I found I was struggling walking at times, feeling like my legs were going to go from under me. My muscles not wanting to hold me up. This is one of the effects of stress. Not had this for a long time, to that extent and I am hoping my body does not do more of this.

Today, I am a little tearful, after calling into my bank and I have decided to call into a cafe before going home for a drink and then I will be sitting down with my bank details, checking where I went wrong and correcting my workings. I called into the bank because I noticed my standing order for my rent was returned. Looking at my balance, it looked like there was sufficient funds and I was fuming that it had been returned. After the bank looked into it, it turned out a payment elsewhere I made was put first (which that’s fine) and standing order returned, as there would have been insufficient funds. Thankfully no charges. I am usually very good when it comes to my own money, making sure I have sufficient funds and I thought I had made a note of this in my folder, so when I am home, I will be seeing if I did make a note of this other payment or not. And then I will be just having my quiet. I thought I was with it now, but obviously not.

My mood is not also helping with my sensitivity to sound I am having. I have finally got round to emailing my audiologist yesterday, so hopefully, I will hear of an appointment soon with a particular audiologist.

I really wish others knew this about me…

I’m not boring and I am approachable

People in the past and some probably now, not that I don’t care what others think now like I once did, but some thought I was going to be boring. These were proved wrong and they held their hands up to their wrong assumptions. The conclusion to why they thought I would be boring, was because of me being quiet and also how I was dressed, as this particular occasion was my hen night, all those years ago. (The first relationship, that I was abused in.)
I would like you to know that I am not boring because I am quiet to start with and you will find me approachable, should you choose to speak to me. We may even find common ground.

I do have a sense of humour

Just because you may find me quiet at first, as I have mentioned​ above, when it comes to talking to me, you will also discover I do have a sense of humour.

I people watch

I people watch sometimes. Imagining what they may be like. Observing their relationships with their family, or friends.
I especially like seeing elderly couples holding hands, while walking in the street. It’s so lovely to see and I wonder just how many years they may have been together.

Just because I have an invisible disability, doesn’t mean it don’t exist.

I am deaf and, I have depression and anxiety.

Unless my hair is tied up, you won’t see my hearing aids, until I mention I have a hearing loss.
People say, ‘ I speak ok,’ but like my hidden disability, it doesn’t mean I am not deaf. I am deaf, but to hear you better, I have to see your face to lipread, while hearing what I can with my hearing aids.
I would also like to add that my hearing aids assist me, but they don’t magically give back my hearing I once had. I also watch your face expression and your body language.
I will need you to be patient with me, as I may need you to repeat if I miss something and I will be very appreciative of this.
I will be able to tell if you don’t have the patience to chat with me, don’t want to be there in general. I may also pick up on if you are not feeling yourself, which if I do, I am known to ask if you are ok

Depression is another invisible disability. On the surface, I may seem fine to you, but underneath, I could be the total opposite.
My depression is not bad like it used to be. Being in a new job has helped greatly, as well as counselling for other matters already blogged about here.

I have anxiety and depending how it is, you may see it, or you may not. Again, like my depression, it’s not bad as it was, but it does like to creep up more, than my depression.

I can sketch

From the age of 9 to early 20’s, I was regular sitting at a table sketching. After that, I stopped, until the artist side of me crept out again with ‘Sharpie Sunday’s‘ and other prompts. Although it’s not got me back to my sketching route I once did. I would like to though.
I am not saying I am good to sell as an artist, but if I had kept it up as I once did, then they may have been.

One time, I couldn’t look in a full-length mirror

I hated looking at myself in a full-length mirror one time. This started after I left the first relationship. Although I don’t own a full-length mirror still, I know I wouldn’t have a problem looking in one.

I give 100% in the workplace

I give 100% in the workplace, but sometimes I will give a 110%, because I love my workplace so much.

What do you wish others knew about you?

Life is a rollercoaster

I’m sure like me, you have heard the phrase “life is like a rollercoaster.” This past year, I feel I can use this phrase. Lots of things have happened, that have been good and bad. I have had to give myself extra self-care more than normal, which for a while has been on a daily basis. After my emotional week recently, that I talked about in this post; “Feeling emotional,” I have had to make sure I do keep giving myself self-care, appropriate for the situation.
Some self-care I have been doing is spending lots of time at the library this week. This will continue into next week on free days I will have, prior to work. I am out of internet as well, until the 4th October, so I am taking advantage of their WiFi too.
Some days have been colouring, or doodling, as I recently shared in a post.
At work, before work starts, I sit in a place away from others on odd days, for some quiet.

Anxiety has creeped in the last couple of days, but I feel I have it under control with slow deep breaths, touching things that help me relax and drinking tea, or hot chocolate.

This morning, while at the library, I chose to quickly flick through a book that caught my eye. The book was called, “Courage, 50 Mindfulness and Relaxation Exercises to Improve Your Confidence,” by Dr. Arlene K. Unger. Flicking through the book I see I am either doing some of these things already, or something I plan to do next.
But there was one thing that caught my eye in particular. I thought I would share it here with you, because I know there are readers like me that write either on their blog, or in a journal what they are grateful for the day and I thought you might be interested. I see it as something we could all give a go at, whether you practice gratitude, or not.
Would you like a challenge? Then keep reading.

This excerpt is from page 71, of the book:

“Write the alphabet on a sheet of paper. For each letter, challenge yourself to come up with something to be grateful for. (When you get to X and Z, just find something that contains those letters rather than words that start with them.)”

So are you going to have a go, with this challenge?

If you do, then when you have a go, either write yours for in a comment in this post.
Or if you are going to write this challenge up on your own blog, then tag this actual post.
Please , if you do tag me, that you make sure you tag using this post and not the whole of my blog, because that way I won’t miss your post. (Realistically, I shouldn’t.) Past challenges where I have found people to have joined in have not tagged me this way and I only happened to have spotted that they had joined in because I was scrolling in my reader far enough. I could have so easily missed.

I will share mine, once I have done it, in a separate post.

Continuing self-care and the flat

So with anxiety still creeping in at times, which I am hating right now, as I deal with this flat I may move into.
I am liking everything I hear so far and once I have something in writing, which is regards to the ceiling in the flat showing a long crack, which is probably subsidence, that I would like to be fixed. So if the landlord does this, I will know he is a good landlord.
I also waiting on queries about some other fees I seen on estate agents website, which the woman I am communicating with, has not worked there long, so she will get back to me on this, when she asks them about that.
There is also something I know that they do, that I have not come across before, hence asking lots of questions so I understand how that works.

The self-care I give myself, I see will continue greatly, due to my anxiety creeping in, since Friday and deciding to stay.

I had to go to bed early last night, as I had a really bad headache that felt it was creeping to migraine. I have not done myself any favours though, as I ate more chocolate than normal and it can, if I eat a fair amount in a sitting, give me a migraine.

I woke up with bruising on my right arm. The bruising will be from Saturday. I have gripped my arm that much through anxiety, I have bruised myself. I have done this before, but a very long time ago.
As before when I once done it and now this time, I was never aware of me doing this. But I have the bruise to show.

As I finish off writing this post, which has been created slowly over the last few hours, my sickness has gone, as well as the headache. The anxiety is still there though.
I thought my anxiety had calmed a little since making it known in an email Friday and a couple of emails today, that I am interested in the property. I will let the estate agents know what ever I decide, when they have updated me accordingly.
The anxiety creeps in big time, at times. So I am hoping what ever the decision I make, it calms down.

Blog post re-share: Anxiety “Hot Spots”

Here is something that is visually helpful. Although I am aware of these anxiety hot spots, I have never seen it presented this way before, which makes it better reading, I think. 😊

Living Resiliently Blog

When I get stressed (as I am right now. I’ve been having them more frequently like I did in my childhood) my stomach hurts so much…as if I’m about to develop an ulcer or something. When you’re in the heat of the moment, it’s hard to tell how “tightly” you are clinching the rest of your body….until after the fact. So how do you unwind yourself after undergoing such a stressful moment, especially if the stress is still causing your body deep discomfort?

Well, I found this online on “Instagram” in hopes that it well you as it’s helping me (I’m trying the letting go “of gripping in your stomach” right now. It feels good, but my stomach hurts!). Also if you have a picture to “see” where the pain is, instead of just feeling it—’cause sometimes feeling it makes it well…worse—it can help you better tend to your pain…

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A lot of self-care

Since these two posts, “A slow start” and “I just wanted to give you an update, after my earlier post today,” I have been giving myself more self-care than normal.
It took about a week for the tiredness to go completely. Originally, I thought it was disappearing before but I go out on a good morning and a few hours later, the tiredness would creep up again.

Self care has varied each day to what I do and I have been giving myself self-care, for over a week now.
Mostly I have been reading, with some DVD’s in between. There have been a couple of occasions where I have baked. One was apple crumble and the other baking shortbread.
I have had extra soaks in the bath and some slow walks out on the odd days.

All this week has been my annual leave from work.
Today, was going to be a PJ day. But that changed by lunchtime. As I write at this point in my post, the anxiety and adrenaline rush has just gone thankfully. This was due to me getting washed, dressed and out the door to the flat I was viewing. I had just under a couple of hours to get there. I am now spending the rest of my time at home​ doing nothing, other than watch a film and cook something else to eat, with only so much of my lunch I had to leave being edible when I came back.

As for the flat I seen, when I arrived there, like other flats like it, outside not maintained much, but inside, the flat itself nice. Also, making my way up to the flat, my asthma was not affected, as the corridor was not dusty, or musty, like another flat of similar style I seen. The flat is a bit smaller than I imagined, but doable. I am currently thinking about it, but considering and I have sent a further email of query about their fees, as well as something else in addition to my questions I had in the flat.
The bloke who shown me around from the estate agents was knowledgeable, pleasant and not pushy as I looked around deciding on it. I have not use these estate agents before, but they have left a good impression with me.
The view from the flat is lovely, considering where it is. I feel I am in a different place to where it actually is. My mum would probably have a different view and if I took it and she gets negative, the first thing I shall say is, “Who lives here?”

Chit-chat July

Since “Just a chit-chat,” I have got rid of my microwave that I no longer wanted, as I started to feel even more not wanting it in my kitchen.
Although I commented in that post how I would get a toaster, I have not done this and don’t plan to do so anytime soon. This is because I have managed so far without one and although I have missed having one a little bit, I wonder do I really need one. So I will see how I feel about this for a bit.


Since my ‘Anxiety‘ post in June, I have the following words from Letitgocoach, on my computer screen: “Inhale peace and exhale all your anxiousness. Imagine it flowing out of you on every exhale.”

Sticky note on my computer with the following words

Those words really helped to calm my anxiety in the end and by having these words at my computer screen, serve as a daily reminder.


My Parlour Palm I have moved to a new place, in case here will be better for it, due to it receiving more natural light. No direct sun comes through my window, so no chance of it being caught.
This would have gone on a small folding table, which it was the folding table I had returned back that day I posted the ‘Anxiety’ post, I mentioned above.
I should have never took the folding table with me, because it was obvious it had been used prior to me and I could see the two out of four plastic feet were missing. I took it in the end, because I thought I would get the parts from the company when emailing, but it turned out I was wrong. I could no be bothered to make another reservation for another, to collect when taking this one back, over the two missing plastic feet that I needed, to make sure I protected my laminate floor. So I asked for a refund.
I now have my plant on a plastic storage box, that I don’t often go in and I think it looks fine on that. I have no intentions of looking for another table, as I am happy with this, so I have saved some money.

My Spider Plant has been re-potted and has had some babies, for some time. (Spiderettes.) These spiderettes will have already been re potted, by the time this post airs. 🙂

Spider Plant with Spiderettes

You will see in this post; “Bringing some greenery into my life,” when I first shown you these two plants.

Loving my ‘2cellos’ cd

The album, ‘Score,’ by ‘2Cellos,’ I am really enjoying listening to and it’s relaxing as well. I shall be looking at their other albums, to see if any take my fancy later. If there are, when I next buy one, this could be at least 2 months down the line, otherwise I will treat myself nearer to Christmas.

Rent or buy

Since this post “Should I look into buying, instead of renting?” I have decided for now, to carry on renting.
I did not enquire with a mortgage advisor to see if it was possible now, to get a mortgage, or not, as I have decided that should I buy, I would like to put down a much bigger deposit, to reduce the amount I would owe.
After looking at my breakdown sheet, that I created some months ago,for my savings, I realise that this will take some more years. Longer than anticipated.
I will move first into another rented property, so I can downsize and save more and to be in the area that I want to be in. It would be just lovely, if I was in a council place. This is more likely to happen than the chance of buying I feel. I may choose not to buy, if it worked out alright and I was happy there. I know renting in a council property would feel more like home, than private renting.
If I choose not to buy later down the line, or for what ever reason, then I have savings to enjoy and go on holidays. I know as it is just me and no one else, that the house would not have nowhere to go, when I am gone, (I’d do a will, where proceeds of house sale would go to Cats Protection League, in Mansfield) and after reading up elsewhere of someones views on why she decided not to buy, I may in the end do the same. But whatever I do, even after reading her views and as I write this, my heart is strongly saying buy a home, unless off course I get a council place. That would feel like home too.
So while I think about this more, I will just save for what ever may come, or for that much bigger deposit I prefer to put down. 🙂

My mum

Mum seen the doctor that her own doctor referred her to. This doctor has changed her meds slightly. She has to take a little less what she is currently on and take the new ones prescribed at a dose she has been told.
A nurse had been arranged to see her at home. (I don’t know if this is a regular thing, or not.) But the nurse would like to see her again and this appointment will be before she sees the doctor again.
Mum said after all this one was done, she asked the doctor should she still have her counselling? The doctor apparently said no. I don’t know if this is true or not, or she read into the reply wrong, but stern words were said by me, to my mum, in regards of, don’t you cancel again. You do need it and you know you need it. Remember how I was before and after my counselling, to see how mine helped, so make sure you go and see it through. She said she will. I said her tablets are not a fix all, but they help. Make better use of what they can do and have the counselling.
I still continue to see mum fortnightly, with exception of the odd extra day now and again, when I call to her home. I keep in touch with texts between visits.

I have also managed to get my mum not to sit in court and watch the proceedings, after having another chat with her.
I mentioned to her that if there was anything she needed to know, to ask me and I could tell her without her having to listen to stuff that won’t be nice to hear.
Mum did not realise that the person first on scene would possibly have to give evidence and I said yes, there may be that and possibly more. It would’nt be a fair trial if everyone did not have the chance to tell their side on things. I said we might know things are bad, but I said to her, you have not heard already what I have partly heard and it’s not nice to hear. Even more so, for this medical professional who is more likely going to have to talk about it, being first on scene, it makes more the real and hard to hear it from them. Mum then realised with that and other proceedings she wasn’t aware of, that maybe it wasn’t best for her.
I explained to mum the reasons why I was going, which I know mum would have wanted to be there for same, or similar reasons. But mum can get those from me, without hearing the unpleasantly stuff.

As I continue to see mum fortnightly, on Tuesday’s, my volunteering role I do, when it doesn’t land on the day I meet my mum, I stay the extra hour longer, if help is required. Which mostly it is.

A note from me:

Due to me attending court, to see justice served for the death of my cousin and her husband, there may be a delay in your posts showing and me responding to them.