Childhood memories – positive ones

As you will know if you are a regular reader of my blog, my childhood was tough. Reading on posts at the beginning of this blog and ones where I shared when having counselling will reveal those tough moment and how it affected me. Naturally, I had blocked out the positive stuff too, since I left school. I just did not want to look back. But I had to in the end and my counselling revealed lots about me, as well as hopefully being able to move forward and release the unnecessary guilt I had most of my life that I should not have had.

Recently, out of the blue, I had a few childhood flashbacks, but these ones were positive ones. I started writing them down and I was getting a few more, so I decided to one day to create myself a mind-map and sit down for just 15 minutes and see if anything else came to mind that was a positive thing from my childhood.

This was what I came up with.

IMG_1093.JPG

The one that stood back

When I was in Youth Training, (Y.T.) because of my lack of confidence, I’d be the one that stood back. I would be quiet and observing people, while doing whatever work.

The Y.T. scheme I was on, was care work with elderly and children and one of the days at our Y.T. base, we had a Luncheon Club for the elderly. The meals were ready-made and delivered to us, but we made up the gravy and custard. Prior to them arriving, we would cover the tables with a tablecloth, set up the table with appropriate cutlery, cups and, glasses, with a dried flower arrangement made by us in the middle.
The ladies and gents there would chat to one another and also with us and we would put some sort of entertainment on in the afternoon, like bingo for example.

A lovely elderly lady singled me out and got me to come up to her. We got talking and became friends and she was inviting me to her flat, where I would call by a few times a week. Later, I would help her out with a few things like cleaning. I even cooked for her once, not because she required this, but because I wanted to treat her.
The cleaning side of things, she wanted to pay, but I would not accept as i was happy to help. I known her a few years before she passed away and I was friends with her family who made me feel very welcomed. They called round when she passed away, to let me know of her death, but to also bring a few personal things of hers that they did not want and that I could keep if wanted.

Anyway, even after the Y.T. days, I still remained quiet and observing when meeting new people, for years after that. But when did I stop this? I only thought about this when I seen purple butterfly’s post called, “Quiet and Observing.

Although I imagined I stopped doing this because of my confidence improving than my younger years, or because at times I am in my comfort zone, it has reminded me that I think I will get back to being quiet and observing. By no means will his mean my confidence will be taking a step back, but being quiet and observing, you never know what I may discover or learn.

Unseen

(Content warning: childhood trauma, bullying, abuse and rape.)

Behind closed doors, it was unseen to the extent what was happening in my childhood. How it all affected me and how it affected my mum.

People knew what my dad was, like they thought. But they did not know exactly what he was like.
Until the last few months recently, while chatting about it with family members, they also did not know what he was fully like as they thought.

“If I’ll have known,” they said.

What would they have done?

At school I am bullied for my hair colour, for being quiet, and for what I wear. I chose a school where uniform was a must, to be like everyone else I thought. Yet, I was still made to feel different.

They bullied me verbally. If I wasn’t getting some line of verbal abuse already at home from dad at times, or witnessing some verbal abuse of some kind.

Those bullies feeling great in what they are doing, knocking down my self-esteem, but because of the unseen.
Hey, I already had no self-esteem!

Years down the line, I get married.
It should have been bliss.
But no, I found I was at hands of verbal abuse again and one time of rape.
The difference with me at that point, I wasn’t going to stay and put up with it. I already gave two chances when it came to respect, but it would start again after two weeks of bliss.
I left after the rape, which was the first and last time that was going to happen to me.
But again, this is the unseen. No one see’s what is going on what should be a happy marriage.
After a few months of chatting living back with my mum, I talked about the full extent of that relationship I was in and I realised that had I stayed in this relationship, it would have been the same as my mum was with dad.

Damage from that relationship affects me today. But not as it did.

Verbal abuse is just as bad as physical abuse. If someone experiences this and does not share with you, you will not know the unseen, because you are not there.

This post created after seeing the Daily Prompt: Unseen

How words can shift a child’s self-image

I came across this video last year, which I have wanted to share for some time here.

Chen Miller is a teacher in Israel and in this video she talks about how words can shift a child’s self-image.

It doesn’t matter whether we are teachers, childminder, or a parent, if we come across children and interact with them, it is important how we choose our words.

Please watch this video and listen to Chen Miller’s wise words. The link will take you directly to the video, on YouTube.

My very personal posts of 2016, that started off this blog.

If it wasn’t for offloading and using this blog as part of my therapy to accept what happened to me, then I probably would not have started this blog. Writing this blog has helped me to move forward and some things that were really troubling me, to let go of the guilt that I should not have had to start with.
Most of these following posts all have a trigger warning of some kind, stated at the beginning of the post.

Did you have anyone to look up to, as a child?

I did not have any one to look up to as a child. Did you?

As you know, my childhood was not great by how my father behaved and I grew up only knowing mental illness, because of my mum having it.

To look up to, I mean I did not have anyone who I knew who inspired me, or who said I can do this. I don’t really remember receiving any praise and when I did receive something, it was always negativity.

The only time I remember my dad encouraging me as a child, was when he suggested, if I wanted, to make notes of what I learn from wildlife programmes we just to watch. I could then write it up in neat and he would buy me a hardback book to put it in. I loved the idea and so I did do this, writing what I had learnt. Rest of the time with may dad was when he would mouth off. More so when he had his drink.

If I wasn’t well, he would say I was putting it on. My mum knowing different would take me to the doctors and find out I was not well as her gut instinct told her. Why my dad would think I would make up being ill I do not know, but those of you who knew my dad personally, would know I would not dare to pretend to be ill with my dad.

My mum was not a confident person and so as well as struggling to show her love to me, (but I knew she loved me,) I have never known her to say you can do this, or well done. When I was shown as a child to do joined up handwriting, after asking my mum to teach me, I remember being taught and enjoying it, but not there was no well done, that’s good, or an encouragement tone of some kind. My mum was one for bottling things up, something at one time I used to do, until my 20’s.

I remember at school the only praise I got was an art teacher who said if I keep this up, I should get a C, in my exam grade. The rest of the time was a fight through comprehensive school, because my memories are negative ones, due to being bullied. They were the years I felt alone.

Is it any wonder I struggle to keep positive with myself, have that ‘can-do’ attitude, or stop calling myself !

Fighting to keep my confidence gained and to increase my self-esteem, I have done myself, throughout adulthood. So this is a self-learning experience for me. But I am also in a right group of people, whether near or far, where I am meeting motivated and inspiring people and some of those people have been encouraging me, with a ‘can-do’ attitude and tips, in different learning journeys I am experiencing. 😊

Talking therapies

As you know from reading this blog, I have had counselling in the past, the last two sets of sessions being very helpful for me.
This was because after the counsellor who I had for my first of theses two sessions, identifying my childhood past being the cause of how I was now.
Since these sessions have ended, I have been writing this blog as my continuing therapeutic way of dealing with things, as well as other things, like learning something new, remembering to give self-love.

I recommend talking therapy to anyone who is struggling. Talking therapy can work alone, or alongside antidepressants from your doctor, depending on the individual.

I recently learnt that someone closer to me was not doing well as I thought. After this person asked for advice, which I gave, I could see there was a bit more to it then the person was letting on, so I asked further. The person wouldn’t answer this question, as was concerned how I would feel ashamed of them, of their response.
I reassured that person, that I am sure you have done nothing to be ashamed of and that the advice I gave before would not help alone, as I could see whatever this issue was needed to be addressed. This would mean if they felt they could not be open with me, then to speak to a counsellor where you will not need to feel worried about being judged, because they are there to listen.
On answering further questions about what to expect in counselling sessions to reassure this person, because they have never seen a counsellor before, I printed off the necessary information, so they could self-refer. I hope this person does follow it through, because I know this person would benefit from it so much.

If you are feeling the need to talk to someone and have no one, or not confident in speaking to a friend, or family member, then please do speak to a counsellor. They are not there to judge, they are there to help.

I do recommend talking therapy, because you are in a neutral place where you do not need to worry about upsetting, or worrying a friend or relative, so you can unburden yourself. A place where you also won’t feel judged.

For more information on talking therapies, please visit this page at Mental Health Foundation.

Recovery is not a destination

A reminder post for us all, that I would like to re-share from Courage Coaching.

Courage Coaching

I wanted to write a quick post on the topic of recovery. I have embraced and accepted my own journey of recovery but not without many difficult years of wanting to see big changes, too soon..

52171

I know there are a lot of you battling with the struggles of mental health daily and wishing that you could achieve more.

I also know how disheartened you must feel when you don’t seem to reach your destination of being ”recovered”…This is where the problem lies..Recovery isn’t a destination..it is an ongoing, changing process with ups and downs..

Recovery doesn’t mean you will reach a day where you are recovered completely.What it DOES mean is that you will reach a point in your life where every struggle is much smaller and you will be able to feel better on more days than usual. If you suffered child abuse or neglect, you will most…

View original post 254 more words