My very personal posts of 2016, that started off this blog.

If it wasn’t for offloading and using this blog as part of my therapy to accept what happened to me, then I probably would not have started this blog. Writing this blog has helped me to move forward and some things that were really troubling me, to let go of the guilt that I should not have had to start with.
Most of these following posts all have a trigger warning of some kind, stated at the beginning of the post.

Advertisements

Talking therapies

As you know from reading this blog, I have had counselling in the past, the last two sets of sessions being very helpful for me.
This was because after the counsellor who I had for my first of theses two sessions, identifying my childhood past being the cause of how I was now.
Since these sessions have ended, I have been writing this blog as my continuing therapeutic way of dealing with things, as well as other things, like learning something new, remembering to give self-love.

I recommend talking therapy to anyone who is struggling. Talking therapy can work alone, or alongside antidepressants from your doctor, depending on the individual.

I recently learnt that someone closer to me was not doing well as I thought. After this person asked for advice, which I gave, I could see there was a bit more to it then the person was letting on, so I asked further. The person wouldn’t answer this question, as was concerned how I would feel ashamed of them, of their response.
I reassured that person, that I am sure you have done nothing to be ashamed of and that the advice I gave before would not help alone, as I could see whatever this issue was needed to be addressed. This would mean if they felt they could not be open with me, then to speak to a counsellor where you will not need to feel worried about being judged, because they are there to listen.
On answering further questions about what to expect in counselling sessions to reassure this person, because they have never seen a counsellor before, I printed off the necessary information, so they could self-refer. I hope this person does follow it through, because I know this person would benefit from it so much.

If you are feeling the need to talk to someone and have no one, or not confident in speaking to a friend, or family member, then please do speak to a counsellor. They are not there to judge, they are there to help.

I do recommend talking therapy, because you are in a neutral place where you do not need to worry about upsetting, or worrying a friend or relative, so you can unburden yourself. A place where you also won’t feel judged.

For more information on talking therapies, please visit this page at Mental Health Foundation.

The Run.Rabbit.Run. PTSD award

I have been nominated “The Run.Rabbit.Run. PTSD Award,” by Courage Coaching. This has been a lovely surprise to receive with this blog not even a year old yet. Thank you Courage Coaching. (This award was previously known as the Blogger Recognition Award).

run-rabbit-award

The rules:

  • Thank the blog who nominated you, share the link and award on your blog.
  • Write a brief story on how you started blogging and any advice you would give to a new blogger.
  • Select nominees (max 15)
  • Advise nominees.

 

Why I started blogging

I started blogging as a releasing outlet for what I was feeling, which has now turned out to help others, or be an inspiration. My blog has reflected as I change accordingly, which I hope to keep my blog positive, but like anyone with depression, it could change on my down days etc…

Blogging became therapeutic for me and continues to do so and I have come across many lovely followers here since bringing my blog to WordPress.

Advice to any new bloggers

Advice I would give to a new blogger is to just be you, as this will reflect in your post.

I would like to nominate the following for The Run.Rabbit.Run. PTSD Award

These are just some of many, I have picked, that I love to follow for different reasons. I know some already have this award, so I don’t expect them to do it again and others that I have nominated I don’t know if they have. But enjoy the award either way.

My counselling sessions – Part 2 of 2

(Content Warning: mental health, childhood trauma I witnessed of cruelty to my dog, emotional abuse.)

This year, in February, was my next lot of counselling to focus on things from childhood.
My first appointment was assessment first, (like all counsellors do, to give you the right type of counselling.) Also, to see what I will want to talk about, how I feel, (filling in form for how I’ve been 2 weeks prior) and what I expect to get out of my counselling sessions.
At the end of my assessment, I shown my counsellor my letter to Dad, that the previous counsellor suggested to me to write. This was so the counsellor could see at a glance what I experienced and how I felt. I told her I had not read it since writing it, but I planned to at some point before burning it. It was probably because of the flashbacks I was having, for avoiding it. Counsellor checked I had a grounding technique for when I get these flashbacks, which I did, that my previous counsellor gave. She reminded me not to push myself and read it when I am ready.
The weeks to follow, I mainly talked about my Dad, how he was good with other people’s kids, but not his own and trying to understand how he could not be like that with me. There were times me and my Dad would laugh and have fun, but sometimes, something would happen to spoil it.

What I can thank my Dad for

Sense with my own money, because I had no pocket money from my parents as a kid. (Unless I drawn out the bingo ticket at the end of the night. from the barrel.)
My Mum wanted to give me pocket money, but my Dad said no, saying they could not afford it. (But he could go to the pub everyday and night.)

Christmas through to the New Year was always good. I wish the rest of the year could have been the same. (Presents need not be included.)

For Dad encouraging me to make notes from wildlife programmes I watched. He bought me a hard-backed notebook to write my notes up in neat, that I learnt from them. I thought it was a great idea he suggested and this is the only memory of encouragement I have, that he gave me.

When it came to sweets, I could only have half the amount. (This was his idea of saving money, not for health benefits.) So for example, a tube of smarties would have to last for 2 days. A Kit Kat of four fingers would also have to last 2 days. But as an adult, I thank him for that, as I probably would not have had healthy teeth as I have.

My Dad revealed he used to listen to my music while I was at school and I would show an interest in some of his. I felt with this and watching films with him, we shared an interest. I felt I knew my Dad better than my Mum because of this. It seems strange how I had this bond, yet at the same time, fear of my Dad.

What I don’t thank my Dad for

Fear is the first thing that comes to mind when talking about what my Dad was like in my childhood.

For the cruelty I witness as a kid, that he did to my dog, Brin. Naturally, I screamed and cried as a kid, telling him to stop. On one occasion he turned round to me, swearing, saying if I did not shut up, I would get it as well. (Hit me with shovel.) I really believed he would do it and my view does not change on this. It was hard trying not to scream or cry when I heard the dog yelp. Those are the flashbacks I hear, since last year. But they are getting less powerful to me now. Ground techniques help, if I get them. But should they ever get troublesome, I have been told of treatment I could get that would help.

For thinking I was a liar, when I was ill. I would have understood if I was a kid that skived from school. But I wasn’t. I would not have dared, because of my Dad.

It’s a good job he is not alive

This might sound horrible, but it is a god job he is not alive. If he had been, I would have reported him for the behaviour towards me, Mum and my dog.
After experiencing similar things in my first relationship that my Mum had with my Dad, its at that point I would not have been scared of my Dad and I would have approached him about what he had done.

Counselling has helped to get rid of anger, has made me calm and I have found I don’t react to certain things in a way I would have done. I feel at my best than I have ever been.
Although my counselling has ended, which I decided after 3 weeks was the right time for me to end it, there are a couple of things I still need to do in my own time. By the time I have done that, maybe in a later post, when that time comes, I finally can say I have let go.

Related post:

I needed to face it

Yesterday via Facebook, I seen the following words that Tiny Buddha shared.

“Whatever pain from your past you’ve tried to outrun, you can’t avoid it forever. It will follow you until you face it and work through it.” ~Celina Murillo

(See more in this link at Tiny Buddha, for the above.)

This is so true. The minute I left school, I always said I’d never look back and I didn’t. I wanted to forget the bullies at school, as well as things from home.

I have had quite a few different counselling sessions for different reasons in my adult life. But it was from the counselling sessions before last Christmas where things really got uncovered. Things that were affecting me now, from my childhood. Some things blocked, until the stone was turned and I realised that how I was in some way now, was my past affecting me.

During and since my counselling has finished, I have seen and felt how calm I am now. How I don’t let things bother me as I did before. This has been my best I have ever been.

Although my counselling has finished, there are things I still have to do. But these, I can only do myself, using the tools my counsellor gave me.

Small steps, but I am still moving forward.

My counselling sessions – Part 1 of 2

(Content Warning: mental health, childhood trauma I witnessed of cruelty to my dog, emotional abuse.)

Last year, I had six sessions of counselling. I referred myself to this, because I was feeling really low through stressful situations at work.
These work situations I was trying to deal with head on, only to find I was getting nowhere. My stress and frustrations increased and my confidence in the end, disappeared. Whenever I was at work, I just did not feel myself. I also dreaded going in, having panic attacks prior, or while I was there.

Outside of work, I was losing motivation, feeling depressed and I had trouble sleeping, so I knew I had to refer myself for some counselling.
By the time I started counselling, I was already on antidepressants for my depression and anxiety. My doctor monitored me closely to start with, because the antidepressants I was on would take some weeks to work its way around my system.

In my counselling sessions I started to talk about work and how the situations there were making me feel. I also spoke about what was going on with my Mum, as I was getting concerned with her mental health, which then led to how my Mum was in my childhood. (She is a good Mum I’d like to add and still is. It was her mental health, how it was then.)
I then started talking about my Dad, what he was like when I was a child and how I was fearful of him. The way he treated me and my dog at times was very wrong. Wrong when I look back now, but very scary and traumatic as a kid. My counsellor gave me coping skills to try for flashbacks I was getting.

The rest of my counselling session was mainly about my Dad, but because I was only just scratching the surface and my counselling was coming to an end, my counsellor recommended I seek further counselling. Seeking further counselling meant that it could be approached slowly, as this needed to be tackled carefully without rushing. She felt that my past situations were now affecting my present, so if I felt comfortable for extra counselling, then to visit my doctors again. Which I did. My doctor gave me details of two counsellors I could refer myself to. This counselling session started this year. But I will talk about it in another post, so look out for part 2.

Related post:

My counselling sessions – Part 2 of 2