(TW) I should have been dead before I was born

(This post comes with a trigger warning of death. )

My life has been one difficult mess. It’s what I have known since a child, but it doesn’t make it any easier. But after having finally enough last year and becoming suicidal between August to October very strongly, that temporary break had to be more of a permanent one in November from my mum. Hoping mum would once do something for herself, using the support around and then just maybe a mother and daughter relationship could be salvaged.

Well that salvage of mum and daughter I don’t see that happening after recent, updated events and makes me question even more, I should have just been dead before I was born, when mum took that overdose while carrying me. (My mum will be going to a nursing home facility, because she is not mentally well to be living at home.)
I have mentioned this once before about this suicide here, but for benefit of new readers, I would like to remind that mum did not take overdose to get rid of me, it was because of other things going on in her head at that time and my bastard dad being one of them not helping. I may as well just as been dead, when she took that overdose. A lesson maybe to mum, to think of others and treat herself kindly. But then maybe that would not have done anything either.

Memories of first thinking I ought to be dead based on before I was born, I remember having those first thoughts at the age of 11. These thoughts started because school was already hell being bullied and in fear of my dad and worried of mum’s breakdown where one day she disappeared and we wondered where she was. I am going to to bed that night on orders of my dad, while still no signs of mum and having to go to school next morning, still not knowing where mum was, until I got home from school.

As well as the question I should have been dead before I was born. I also have questioned why did my parents choose to have a kid? My dad was better with other people’s kids than his own. They would have a laugh with him. But I lived in fear. Yes. There were odd times, which were rare, that he did behave like a father. But they were short lived. I was a majoritly in fear of my dad, till he died in my teens.

Then we have my mum, who has had mental health issues before I was born. All I have known is her depressive cycles, as well as no confidence in herself, or faith in herself, so is it any wonder I had no confidence and faith in myself and it took me until an adult to find mine. Then we have those moments she stops taking her medication and if she doesn’t do that, it’s overdose. The full circle.

Mum needs counselling and my views have never changed on that. 8 sessions of counselling wouldn’t cover mum’s issues. She would need at least 3 times that. There are issues that stem back from when she was a kid, to being a young adult before having me, to then the damage done by bastard dad. But she won’t do it. Hence I can’t help my mum  anymore and, again having to step back because of my own sanity and being burntout by it all. I have heard the same stories over and over, since 9 years old to last year of my adult life. But mum has never had counselling for any of this and won’t.

I had to step away to not feel I was still locked into my childhood damage and, to try and get on with my own adult life. Because after all, I am still here and ever since I lost my cousin and her husband together in that car accident that killed them instantly as my long term readers know, I chose to live it for them and that is what I fight to continue to do. To live my life, that was took away from them.

I have always wanted a child of my own, but I will never be with a guy intimately. But as I revealed last year and my feelings still stand with this, I am so glad I have not had a child, because I would be putting that child through some shit I had.

The new Social Worker that my mum now has, is going to keep me updated. I can be involved as little, or as much as I want.
Yesterday’s conversation has been about fiances and nursing homes. I have expressed the two areas I would like my mum to stay in, which is either my area where I live, or her area where she lived and I have named two nursing homes my mum once mentioned to me years ago that she liked, when we did have conversations about it, if she ever had to be in one, as well as one she doesn’t want to be in.
I am naturally very upset it has come to nursing homes, as it wasn’t something I envisioned at this time in her life. It was instead to live as independently as possible. If it wasn’t for her mental health, she would be living just that way.

PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE. If you have things that are troubling you and you care about your family, but not wanting to face it, that haunts you in your past. I URGE YOU to face it, because if you don’t, it will drag you down and you will take your family and friends down with you, even if you don’t mean to, because they will worry for you if they genuinely care.
And if like me, they have had enough and what seems like they have walked away, it doesn’t mean they still don’t worry and care about you. We have to protect our own sanity too and we can’t help, if you are not willing to help yourself.
We are all in charge of our own mental health and there is help out there for it. BUT YOU HAVE TO USE IT.
ONLY YOU CAN PUT THE WORK INTO IT, TO MOVE FORWARD.
I URGE YOU TO DO IT.

 

© Elizabeth Fisher and My Wellbeing and Learning Journey.

Unauthorised use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to My Wellbeing and Learning Journey with appropriate and specific direction to the original content. (But Guest Posts that feature on my blog are not allowed at all to be duplicated, as that is their copyright.)

My counselling has been sought

This morning for a final attempt of knowing where I stand, I emailed the NHS provider to see how long their waiting list is. Also, as my assessment would be face to face because I can’t hear on the phone and they not doing it any other way, (compared to elsewhere), would my counselling follow immediately after assessment, or would I have a further wait?

I also emailed, again, via the work provider asking for an update, today, so I know whether they are going to look for a counsellor, or not.

Last night, I emailed a private counsellor, out of curiosity to see what her waiting time was, should I choose to have counselling with her.

Finally, I know where I stand, as my counselling has now been sought and I now have a date. The ones provided via a work programme got back to me with one, checking with me first to see if this one would be ok before booking it and it was, because it was local this time. So in under 2 weeks, I will be going to my first counselling appointment.
My work place only pay for up to 6 sessions I was told at the start of asking more about the counselling service originally. But if more was needed, they could ask the employer. If it comes to this, I won’t get them to ask work, as I don’t expect work to pay for further and so should I be happy with this counsellor, I would continue and pay myself.
I have looked up this counsellor already, so I know who she is, where to go, qualifications and fees. The fees are less than a counsellor I would have gone for elsewhere. So if I do continue, I know I will have already saved money by using this counsellor, than originally the other.
I plan to have a bus ride and walk up to the street where this counsellor is based, just to be sure I know I will find it ok, before my appointment day.

Should counselling not feel right with this counsellor, I still all being well, will have the other one I queried myself, as a back up and I would make an appointment with, should I hear from that one. But I have a feeling it won’t come to that.

 

© Elizabeth Fisher and My Wellbeing and Learning Journey.

Unauthorised use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to My Wellbeing and Learning Journey with appropriate and specific direction to the original content. But Guest Posts that feature on my blog are not allowed at all to be duplicated.

Has anyone arranged their own private counselling because of waiting so long on NHS?

I know there has been people that have waited much longer than 3 months in the past for counselling, when I have heard in 3 months.

I’m feeling more desperate for counselling than all the times I have felt desperate before. But then, I did not have suicidal thoughts.

Currently, I have been waiting over 2 months for counselling on the NHS and that would be a face to face assessment appointment, because of them doing it no other way than over phone. So I don’t even know if my counselling would start straight after this, or I’d be  waiting further and after this post, Counselling- I thought it be too be true, I am debating whether I should sort out counselling myself. I have looked and see there are counsellors practically on my doorstep, or a bit further in walking. But still local. I see their prices and for me to afford I would have to make sure my counselling was either at least fortnightly, or a monthly basis.

Has anyone else gone the private route, because waiting on the NHS route took too long?

 

© Elizabeth Fisher and My Wellbeing and Learning Journey.

Unauthorised use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to My Wellbeing and Learning Journey with appropriate and specific direction to the original content. But Guest Posts that feature on my blog are not allowed at all to be duplicated.

Counselling- I thought it be too good to be true

I have just heard from a counselling appointment and now, I have emailed to cancel it.
This was because it wasn’t local and although from Googling to see how far and not long as I thought it would be, I still don’t know where I be getting off, on bus. I would also have to time it right by getting on a bus that by the time I have got off to walk to it, I don’t make myself late. It’s bad enough what I am going for, but the anxiety to get to it.

Also, it was at a time I’d still be at work. Mum has disrupted my life enough. I’m not going to distrupt it further, by having to have time off for counselling when a more suitable time can be fixed. But that’s to think about and sort, when the counselling is more local.

 

© Elizabeth Fisher and My Wellbeing and Learning Journey.

Unauthorised use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to My Wellbeing and Learning Journey with appropriate and specific direction to the original content. But Guest Posts that feature on my blog are not allowed at all to be duplicated.

Counselling

So as you know, I am waiting for counselling on the NHS after my difficulties of this year, messing with my own mental health. I have already been waiting over 2 months for my assessment. (I thought it was getting on 3 months.)

Via a programme that I automatically have access to, as part of me being an employee with my evening job, counselling services is one of them.
I started wondering that if I contacted them, would I possibly get in quicker? So I queried. It turns out I would, because as soon as I have filled in my assesment form, they will source a counsellor within 10 working days.
So I have filled in my form and sent it back in an email today.

 

© Elizabeth Fisher and My Wellbeing and Learning Journey.

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My very personal posts of 2016, that started off this blog.

If it wasn’t for offloading and using this blog as part of my therapy to accept what happened to me, then I probably would not have started this blog. Writing this blog has helped me to move forward and some things that were really troubling me, to let go of the guilt that I should not have had to start with.
Most of these following posts all have a trigger warning of some kind, stated at the beginning of the post.

 

© Elizabeth Fisher and My Wellbeing and Learning Journey.

Unauthorised use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to My Wellbeing and Learning Journey with appropriate and specific direction to the original content. (But Guest Posts that feature on my blog are not allowed at all to be duplicated, as that is their copyright.)

Talking therapies

As you know from reading this blog, I have had counselling in the past, the last two sets of sessions being very helpful for me.
This was because after the counsellor who I had for my first of theses two sessions, identifying my childhood past being the cause of how I was now.
Since these sessions have ended, I have been writing this blog as my continuing therapeutic way of dealing with things, as well as other things, like learning something new, remembering to give self-love.

I recommend talking therapy to anyone who is struggling. Talking therapy can work alone, or alongside antidepressants from your doctor, depending on the individual.

I recently learnt that someone closer to me was not doing well as I thought. After this person asked for advice, which I gave, I could see there was a bit more to it then the person was letting on, so I asked further. The person wouldn’t answer this question, as was concerned how I would feel ashamed of them, of their response.
I reassured that person, that I am sure you have done nothing to be ashamed of and that the advice I gave before would not help alone, as I could see whatever this issue was needed to be addressed. This would mean if they felt they could not be open with me, then to speak to a counsellor where you will not need to feel worried about being judged, because they are there to listen.
On answering further questions about what to expect in counselling sessions to reassure this person, because they have never seen a counsellor before, I printed off the necessary information, so they could self-refer. I hope this person does follow it through, because I know this person would benefit from it so much.

If you are feeling the need to talk to someone and have no one, or not confident in speaking to a friend, or family member, then please do speak to a counsellor. They are not there to judge, they are there to help.

I do recommend talking therapy, because you are in a neutral place where you do not need to worry about upsetting, or worrying a friend or relative, so you can unburden yourself. A place where you also won’t feel judged.

For more information on talking therapies, please visit this page at Mental Health Foundation.

 

© Elizabeth Fisher and My Wellbeing and Learning Journey.

Unauthorised use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to My Wellbeing and Learning Journey with appropriate and specific direction to the original content. (But Guest Posts that feature on my blog are not allowed at all to be duplicated, as that is their copyright.)

My counselling sessions – Part 2 of 2

(Content Warning: mental health, childhood trauma I witnessed of cruelty to my dog, emotional abuse.)

This year, in February, was my next lot of counselling to focus on things from childhood.
My first appointment was assessment first, (like all counsellors do, to give you the right type of counselling.) Also, to see what I will want to talk about, how I feel, (filling in form for how I’ve been 2 weeks prior) and what I expect to get out of my counselling sessions.
At the end of my assessment, I shown my counsellor my letter to Dad, that the previous counsellor suggested to me to write. This was so the counsellor could see at a glance what I experienced and how I felt. I told her I had not read it since writing it, but I planned to at some point before burning it. It was probably because of the flashbacks I was having, for avoiding it. Counsellor checked I had a grounding technique for when I get these flashbacks, which I did, that my previous counsellor gave. She reminded me not to push myself and read it when I am ready.
The weeks to follow, I mainly talked about my Dad, how he was good with other people’s kids, but not his own and trying to understand how he could not be like that with me. There were times me and my Dad would laugh and have fun, but sometimes, something would happen to spoil it.

What I can thank my Dad for

Sense with my own money, because I had no pocket money from my parents as a kid. (Unless I drawn out the bingo ticket at the end of the night. from the barrel.)
My Mum wanted to give me pocket money, but my Dad said no, saying they could not afford it. (But he could go to the pub everyday and night.)

Christmas through to the New Year was always good. I wish the rest of the year could have been the same. (Presents need not be included.)

For Dad encouraging me to make notes from wildlife programmes I watched. He bought me a hard-backed notebook to write my notes up in neat, that I learnt from them. I thought it was a great idea he suggested and this is the only memory of encouragement I have, that he gave me.

When it came to sweets, I could only have half the amount. (This was his idea of saving money, not for health benefits.) So for example, a tube of smarties would have to last for 2 days. A Kit Kat of four fingers would also have to last 2 days. But as an adult, I thank him for that, as I probably would not have had healthy teeth as I have.

My Dad revealed he used to listen to my music while I was at school and I would show an interest in some of his. I felt with this and watching films with him, we shared an interest. I felt I knew my Dad better than my Mum because of this. It seems strange how I had this bond, yet at the same time, fear of my Dad.

What I don’t thank my Dad for

Fear is the first thing that comes to mind when talking about what my Dad was like in my childhood.

For the cruelty I witness as a kid, that he did to my dog, Brin. Naturally, I screamed and cried as a kid, telling him to stop. On one occasion he turned round to me, swearing, saying if I did not shut up, I would get it as well. (Hit me with shovel.) I really believed he would do it and my view does not change on this. It was hard trying not to scream or cry when I heard the dog yelp. Those are the flashbacks I hear, since last year. But they are getting less powerful to me now. Ground techniques help, if I get them. But should they ever get troublesome, I have been told of treatment I could get that would help.

For thinking I was a liar, when I was ill. I would have understood if I was a kid that skived from school. But I wasn’t. I would not have dared, because of my Dad.

It’s a good job he is not alive

This might sound horrible, but it is a god job he is not alive. If he had been, I would have reported him for the behaviour towards me, Mum and my dog.
After experiencing similar things in my first relationship that my Mum had with my Dad, its at that point I would not have been scared of my Dad and I would have approached him about what he had done.

Counselling has helped to get rid of anger, has made me calm and I have found I don’t react to certain things in a way I would have done. I feel at my best than I have ever been.
Although my counselling has ended, which I decided after 3 weeks was the right time for me to end it, there are a couple of things I still need to do in my own time. By the time I have done that, maybe in a later post, when that time comes, I finally can say I have let go.

Related post:

 

© Elizabeth Fisher and My Wellbeing and Learning Journey.

Unauthorised use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to My Wellbeing and Learning Journey with appropriate and specific direction to the original content. But Guest Posts that feature on my blog are not allowed at all to be duplicated.

I needed to face it

Yesterday via Facebook, I seen the following words that Tiny Buddha shared.

“Whatever pain from your past you’ve tried to outrun, you can’t avoid it forever. It will follow you until you face it and work through it.” ~Celina Murillo

(See more in this link at Tiny Buddha, for the above.)

This is so true. The minute I left school, I always said I’d never look back and I didn’t. I wanted to forget the bullies at school, as well as things from home.

I have had quite a few different counselling sessions for different reasons in my adult life. But it was from the counselling sessions before last Christmas where things really got uncovered. Things that were affecting me now, from my childhood. Some things blocked, until the stone was turned and I realised that how I was in some way now, was my past affecting me.

During and since my counselling has finished, I have seen and felt how calm I am now. How I don’t let things bother me as I did before. This has been my best I have ever been.

Although my counselling has finished, there are things I still have to do. But these, I can only do myself, using the tools my counsellor gave me.

Small steps, but I am still moving forward.

 

© Elizabeth Fisher and My Wellbeing and Learning Journey.

Unauthorised use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to My Wellbeing and Learning Journey with appropriate and specific direction to the original content. But Guest Posts that feature on my blog are not allowed at all to be duplicated.