This will be a big thing for me

Learning to drive is going to be a big thing for me and when the time comes to owning a car, it will be a massive decision I make. But I do have someone close in the family who will be there to make sure that the car I choose is a reliable one. I have already received lots of tips already about cars, learning to drive and taking the test. This person was the one who explained how to drive a manual car in easy to understand terms, hence why I nearly chose this route. But as you know, automatic seems to be my comfort zone for me and as someone said in a post before, driving is supposed to be fun.

I hope to sort out a couple of lessons in the next couple of weeks, to see that my chosen driving school is right for me. (They have good reviews and they have been recommended after I already chose them.) If those two are fine, then I will then book a block lesson. I will keep you updated down the line when I have had some lessons.

via Daily Prompt: Massive

Trust your gut instinct

After recently going with my gut instinct, because my gut instinct in the past as usually been right, even when I used to ignore it at one time. I wasn’t going to ignore it again and so I followed my gut instinct of dropping the volunteer place that did not use me. I thought I’d share a quote on the subject of following your gut instinct.

gut instinct

via Daily Prompt: Instinct

To feel clean

(Content warning: rape.)

I first revealed, very briefly in this post, that I had been raped. Even a previous blog I used to write, I never revealed that word. Only a few people knew and only a couple knew the full details. I won’t go into fuller details, in the regards to the rape, than already said in that post and I never will. But what I will reveal is how I had to do certain things to feel clean, after I left that relationship and moved back home.

I felt dirty and my mission was to replace every clothing I had worn while in that relationship, with something new. Washing them wasn’t enough. Every new piece I bought, I would put it separately from my other clothes because I did not want them to  touch. I had contamination in my head. Although not quickly as I would have liked due to low-income and a debt I was left with, by him, I eventually got there and all those old clothes were gone. And I do mean everything was new, right from undies to nightwear and everything in between. It was the only way to feel clean.

Rape affected me big time, but not as much now as it did at the beginning. People have said for me to report it, in the past. But I just can’t. The fear and the sickness was way too intense and if I was to do it now, it would still be the same. I have come hell of a long way, to go back to how I felt then. At the end of the day, I am out of that relationship and all I do is aim to try to keep moving forward, ever since.

Post inspired from Daily Prompt: Clean.

 

Unseen

(Content warning: childhood trauma, bullying, abuse and rape.)

Behind closed doors, it was unseen to the extent what was happening in my childhood. How it all affected me and how it affected my mum.

People knew what my dad was, like they thought. But they did not know exactly what he was like.
Until the last few months recently, while chatting about it with family members, they also did not know what he was fully like as they thought.

“If I’ll have known,” they said.

What would they have done?

At school I am bullied for my hair colour, for being quiet, and for what I wear. I chose a school where uniform was a must, to be like everyone else I thought. Yet, I was still made to feel different.

They bullied me verbally. If I wasn’t getting some line of verbal abuse already at home from dad at times, or witnessing some verbal abuse of some kind.

Those bullies feeling great in what they are doing, knocking down my self-esteem, but because of the unseen.
Hey, I already had no self-esteem!

Years down the line, I get married.
It should have been bliss.
But no, I found I was at hands of verbal abuse again and one time of rape.
The difference with me at that point, I wasn’t going to stay and put up with it. I already gave two chances when it came to respect, but it would start again after two weeks of bliss.
I left after the rape, which was the first and last time that was going to happen to me.
But again, this is the unseen. No one see’s what is going on what should be a happy marriage.
After a few months of chatting living back with my mum, I talked about the full extent of that relationship I was in and I realised that had I stayed in this relationship, it would have been the same as my mum was with dad.

Damage from that relationship affects me today. But not as it did.

Verbal abuse is just as bad as physical abuse. If someone experiences this and does not share with you, you will not know the unseen, because you are not there.

This post created after seeing the Daily Prompt: Unseen

Pretend

I know when I have not felt good, or I have felt low, or depressed, I have mostly done well to pretend that everything is ok. A habit I have done for many years because then, when I first used to pretend all was well, it was because I felt alone and I did not feel I had any friends close by.
When I started being around people who knew me, pretending all was well when it wasn’t, proved to be difficult at times, because they knew me well enough.

Although now I will still have a moment pretending all is well, when it isn’t, mostly I will say when I am not and what is wrong. This is because I am in a place where I feel I am not alone now and I feel I belong and wanted in this world.

Do you pretend you are fine, when you are not?

This post was inspired by The Daily Post; Daily Prompt: Pretend.

Passionate

Todays daily prompt from The Daily Post, is passionate.

I am passionate about many things, but here is just a few of them.

  • equality and diversity
  • hate to hear racism
  • hate bullying
  • learning
  • freedom

 

What are you passionate about?