My feelings – Part 4

A short post on feelings I have felt since last post; My feelings – part 3.

  • Feeling low
  • Tired (although since after Christmas, it looks like it’s improving.)
  • Anger
  • Frustrated
  • And the time I felt nothing. Like I put a wall up for a while. (As I blogged in previous post : Chit-chat catch up – part 1 of 2)
  • ‘Shit happens’ I dusted off and not seen for a while attitude. (As I blogged in previous post: Chit-chat catch up – part 1 of 2

 

© Elizabeth Fisher and My Wellbeing and Learning Journey.

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Chit-chat

Chit-chat November airing tomorrow, which will be my last post of this year. Until then, I thought I’d air this chit-chat post.

My GP appointment and mum

I seen my GP as agreeded a fortnight after I last seen her. We chatted about how I am, anything regarding my mum, which she asked if there was a social worker that could deal with mum’s bungalow and her financial affairs? I said I doubt it, but could query this. So this led on to an email last weekend to say I wasn’t going to mum’s bungalow anymore, or checking her mail, with how I am and cutting ties with my mum for the time being. Adding that although I don’t plan to see her until she takes responsibility for her own health and accept help from health professionals responsible for her care, that I don’t mind receiving updates on mum’s care, or if any time they need to ask me anything.
I know I can handle this part, with doing this part before on my temporary break. I queried the Social Worker thing, that my doctor asked me and I heard about that today. They are going to get a Social Worker sorted for my mum, adding that they have made sure that they know I can only be contacted by email and was hoping this was fine in giving my email address to them, as they may want to get some information from me. I said that was fine, in an email back and I would help in what way I can.

I will see my GP again, in just under a fortnights time, which by then, I will be able to tell her about my counselling and fiill her in about how a Social Worker will be assigned.

I then raised my thoughts of cutting ties, here, on my blog last Saturday, as you know.

Counselling

My counselling started yesterday. The counselling is based at the counsellors house, in a small building on her property, seperate from her house. I was concerned knocking too early, because I didn’t want to clash with any other possible client. But that’s not the case, as she leaves a half hour window between appointments to avoid this.

So after paperwork was out the way and checking to see if I knew how many counselling sessions are paid for via the workplace, via EAP (employment assist programme.) Which turned out it’s 4, not 6 sessions. So I was told wrong originally by EAP. I tried to find that email to show who mentioned that, but strangely, all those emails are gone and just my replies remain. But I can get an extension, so I will allow that when the time comes, before I start paying my own.

When we got that out of the way, the counsellor told me a bit about herself, which I already knew, but didn’t say, when I looked up the counsellor myself, after knowing where my counselling would be. Then it was me to start talking in my own time, to talk about what has brought me to counselling.

My counselling I have chosen to have fortnightly, because if I feel I still need them when the time comes to me paying, fortnightly is all I am going to be able to afford. But my counsellor will text me next week, just to check in on me, to be sure I am ok.
If at anytime I need to contact her, I am to do so and if I feel I need an appointment sooner than the one I have booked, she would try and get me in sooner.
This was my safety plan because of how I am and how I have been, to ensure I am safe. I was encouraged by her, to not hesitate, should I need to text her.

 

© Elizabeth Fisher and My Wellbeing and Learning Journey.

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Cutting ties

After my set back with my mental health after choosing to see my mum that time, when I called at the ward to deal with her financial affairs, I have decided to cut ties with my mum.
Whether this turns out to be permanent thing, remains to be seen.
But I know I have to do this if I am to move forward with life, to concentrate on me, to live and enjoy my life and keep my mental health, healthy.
I know how I improved, when I chose to take that break for a few months from my mum. But the minute I was back, it put me on a downward spiral.

Regardless mum doesn’t want me to visit her while on the ward, as she once texted before, little does mum realise that my feelings of not being around, came probably sooner.
Mum also still wanted me to do some things on that very short visit, which I said no, because one, you don’t want me here and so I can’t do those that you ask, as I would have to come back to pass them you back, when you do need them. And two, after today, I am not coming back.
I also reminded her that she would need her bank card to pay her rent while she was in, which I said she can do over the phone while here and I am sure the staff will assist you with that. That conversation followed by not trusting them… which I replied before going, that is what you are going to have to start doing from now on, because after choosing to stop taking your medication, throwing away your help and not helping yourself, I am not picking up the pieces no more. Which followed on with another response of, well I will just lose my bungalow. I’m not paying. I reminded her for the last time, do what you like, because as I say, I won’t be pickin up the pieces. It’s your mess.

The time that I choose to see my mum, is when and if it happens, that she is back living in the community with her support in place.
I also won’t visit immediately when this happens, as I will be leaving my mum be for some months, so that hopefully she gets the idea I won’t be there and she will use that support.
And when I am ready to visit, it will only be when mum invites. I’m not inviting myself.

Mum will have to realise that if we are ever going to have a mother and daughter relationship again, it’s going to take long and slowly does it work.

 

© Elizabeth Fisher and My Wellbeing and Learning Journey.

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Thoughts and feelings

Glad I don’t have children

One time, I always wanted my own child, or maybe adopt. But after the last relationship I was in, I knew it wasn’t going to happen. (I wasn’t going to waste my years in another relationship to not go somewhere.) I later learnt by accident via Google, that he turned out to be jailed after abusing a child, as my long term readers will know from when I blogged anout it here. So with the disgust of knowing that, which created my own triggers from past as well as new ones at that time of discovery, I swore blind no one would touch me again, as well as definitely staying single. Which that remains.

But with how things have been with my mum and how I am from the effects of it, I am so glad I don’t have children. What I have felt in my childhood and as an adult, would now be repeated and passed on in some form. I wouldn’t want to put them through it.

Lows and highs for today

I can only foucus only on a day at a time. Each day is a mental struggle. If I try to focus on anything more than a day, even for the positive things, I just find it overwhelming.

I have had a few little highs this morning, that just perked my morning a little.
After my morning job was done, I chose to walk through the nature reserve, as I was going to my local supermarket and there is way off the reserve that brings you to it. On my travel through the reserve, I seen a heron and oh my, I was really close. I have seen a heron before, but not as close as I was today. I wasn’t able to get a photo unfortunately, as it flew off.
My other pick me up was while I was in the supermarket. I came across an apple pie that was actually vegan and it wasn’t expensive. Which makes a change. It was under £2. I am going to be enjoying this with dairy-free custard today and tomorrow.

Photo of packaging of my vegan apple pie

 

© Elizabeth Fisher and My Wellbeing and Learning Journey.

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Blog post re-share : Apps I find help my mental health. — Life with the Hazelwoods

I have tried three of the apps mentioned in this post and, the one I am going to stick with and see how I go longer term with, will be the Calm Harm app.

It’s all about finding what what works for you.
I am mostly a paper based person, as that’s easier for me. But I have tried apps in the past and found a lot not suitable for me, in different ways. But the Calm Harm on first impressions is good and, although I don’t self-harm, I have been feeling suicidal, as well as having anxiety and depression,
I think this app can help for those too.

Do you use apps?

Do visit this bloggers post and comment there.

When your phone is always in your hand it’s quick and easy to download apps that can help when you’re in a bad place. I downloaded calm harm first. It’s been the best app ever for me. It’s completely personalised and you need a password so nobody else will open it. It’s made for people […]

via Apps I find help my mental health. — Life with the Hazelwoods

My thoughts

I am not going to go too deep in my thoughts, but lets start with when I first decided it was time for counselling. My private one I will be having in under 2 weeks, paid for by work. (Just 6 sessions are paid for by work.) When I filled the assessment form, it required next of kin details. For the first time I wrote none, because it’s not like my mum is available as next of kin. Mum can’t decide for herself, let alone me, if something came to the worst.

Maybe you are in a similar situation of having no next of kin. Maybe you have. Do feel free to comment.

So who do you put down for next of kin, when you have no one?

I know from researching and asking for advice back in August, that I am not forced to put down next of kin. So this looks like how it will be from now on for me and where I do know I have my mum down as next of kin on my records, I may start removing.

I had to visit the ward today so I could see a staff member in charge of my mum, regarding some personal affairs, after checking on her bungalow and mail today. I hope they will be dealt with. I hope they dealt with the other, because what I was reading today made me wonder.

I chose to see my mum, but told them how I have been and am at that point I was there. I only managed 5 minutes with my mum and it wasn’t a pleasant experience. In that 5 minutes mum spoke about:

  • Germs in space
  • Wanted me to save her savings book and bank card, which I said no, because she will need that. I have saved it before, for her. But I am not now.
  • Wanted to know how I knew she was there
  • Convinced she is well
  • Told me to keep away while she’s there like she told me to before. (Even though mum has tried to make contact in between.)

Mum is very unwell in the way I expected. I don’t know when my next visit will be, but it will be no time soon. I can’t see mum being home for Christmas and I still feel like I have no mum. A feeling that I have had for some time now.

Our relationship won’t be the same again. And that’s if there will be ever one.

I still feel there is a chance my mum won’t be around by Christmas, regardless she is in a safe place. The only comfort I have, is knowing my mum is in a safe place.

Now, after this post airs, I am dealing with all the charities that ask for fucking money, or send raffle tickets to sell. Mum has not helped half of these and there are charities that I have never heard of. But whether she has helped or not, I am fucking telling them where to go. Those that know the full extent of this and what mum does, will know where I am coming from. But mum is like any other elderly person in the UK ; more fucking charity mail on her doorstep than what should be expected on her doorstep.

 

© Elizabeth Fisher and My Wellbeing and Learning Journey.

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Following on from yesterday’s post

(This post comes with a trigger warning, as it discuses suicide.)

Following on from yesterday’s post, Counselling, I heard same day from a counsellor via the work programme, who texted me in the evening.
This person wanted to ask me a few questions, which I answered and to see how I was feeling.
Most importantly, because of mentioning suicide on the assessment form, this person wanted to know if I felt safe that night and asked if I had any plans to end my life. Which I said I was feeling low, but had no plans to, because I don’t want to hurt my friends, like my mum has hurt me.
A few more questions were asked and I was given a couple of places I could use, should I need to use them in a crisis. So I have these details on my phone and on paper, should I need to, quick to hand.
I was also asked if it was ok for them to contact my GP, asking if the GP knew of my suicidal thoughts. I said how my GP knew of my difficulties, but not suicidal thoughts, because then, I did not have them.

Today, I heard from my doctors surgery and I had an appointment made in the afternoon to talk about my feelings.
This GP I had not been before and so another doctor I like at this practice. I see her again in a couple of weeks, to see how I am doing. Hopefully, I will already be having counselling, so she can see how I am doing with that and go from there.

The person who contacted me from the programme will keep me updated with anything I need to know, along with when they source me a local counsellor, which they usually get set up within 10 days.
Until I see the counsellor, the idea is using either of those contacts, if I have a crisis. Both available 24 hours a day, 7 days a week.

My doctor I seen this afternoon also said should I feel worser that I feel I can’t cope, to come in sooner. Until then, we talked about the things I do that help and if I have anyone I feel I can talk to, etc. How walking is good for mental health, which I do.
Also, while I am as I am, it would be best not to see my mum, till I felt more better and to not feel bad about it. To do it when ready, as to keep me safe.

 

© Elizabeth Fisher and My Wellbeing and Learning Journey.

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Counselling

So as you know, I am waiting for counselling on the NHS after my difficulties of this year, messing with my own mental health. I have already been waiting over 2 months for my assessment. (I thought it was getting on 3 months.)

Via a programme that I automatically have access to, as part of me being an employee with my evening job, counselling services is one of them.
I started wondering that if I contacted them, would I possibly get in quicker? So I queried. It turns out I would, because as soon as I have filled in my assesment form, they will source a counsellor within 10 working days.
So I have filled in my form and sent it back in an email today.

 

© Elizabeth Fisher and My Wellbeing and Learning Journey.

Unauthorised use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to My Wellbeing and Learning Journey with appropriate and specific direction to the original content. But Guest Posts that feature on my blog are not allowed at all to be duplicated.

Have you completely cut out refined sugar?

I can’t see me ever cutting out refined sugar completely, because I like my cake and sometimes some chocolate. But I need to reduce it, like I have done before.
With the difficulties I have had this year and especially how I felt these last few months, I have been eating a lot of the wrong thing. No surprise is it as I am sure you reading this now, will acknowledge how easy it can be to have something of the wrong thing that we find comforting.
Last month, at times I ate really high sugar content. This was surprising I managed that, without feeling sick, because when I changed the way I ate a few years ago for the better, meant my tastebuds changed and I could no longer tolerate sweet food. Yet, just last month I ate two bags of sugar-coated sweets, without grimacing. I did not eat these two bags in one go, but I did eat them the same day. Not like me at all. But thankfully, I have not gone out to buy another bag of those sweets and I have no intention.

Refined sugar we all know is not essential for our health. We also know it’s not good for our health:

  • Obesity
  • Cavities in teeth
  • Type 2 diabetes

These are just a few. But I have also been reading how it can affect out mental health. It apparently does not help us if we have depresdion and anxiety. Some things I have read for this, a lot of them I have experienced.

I admire those that can really cut out the refined sugar, because sugar appears in food you would not think of, like white bread for example. But there are other foods too, which I won’t list, because it is too many to list and if you want to read up on it further, you only have to Google it.

As I have said, I can’t see me cutting it out completely. But, I can reduce it.

Out of curiosity, have any of my readers cut out refined sugar completely from their diet?

If so, maybe you have suggestions, or tips for me and other readers, should we decide to cut it out.
But even if not cutting out, reducing is better than nothing.

 

© Elizabeth Fisher and My Wellbeing and Learning Journey.

Unauthorised use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to My Wellbeing and Learning Journey with appropriate and specific direction to the original content. But Guest Posts that feature on my blog are not allowed at all to be duplicated.

My feelings – part 3

(This post comes with a trigger warning, due to mention of suicide. But I don’t go into detail of this. I just mention the word and the ending of my life.)

So I finally got round to writing this post. A post I found difficult for different reasons.
One being able to actually delve into my feelings this time and acknowledge them.
Two, to understand what my feelings actually were and three, how I was going to write this post.

The following feelings I write, are based on what I have been feeling, or still feeling, since late August to present, as this post airs.

Anger

I have felt two types of anger. The general type anger and the “I hate the world” feeling type anger. The latter, I have not felt for some years and it wasn’t nice to feel that again.

Tearful

Lots of tears.

Anxiety

Anxiety has been a little in the day, but not to affect me. The worst was waking up with it, first thing in a morning. My heart was pounding on some occasions. Did I have a disturbed sleep prior? Dreaming? I don’t know.

Dark mood

As I have said in an earlier post, I have been in a dark mood. I’ve not wanted to be here. I have had dark thoughts of ending my life. But as I have said in that earlier post, I’m not going to follow it through, as I will not put my friends through what my my mum has put me through.
The dark thoughts were really strong from September to near end of October. They are not as strong now, or often as it was then. But it’s still there.

I have had dark thoughts once before, many years ago, but it wasn’t as strong, or persistent as I have experienced this year. Have you experienced it? What did you do?
I am probably doing already what you do, but do share your tips on ways you have distracted yourself from this.

Depression

You can say at my worst, (dark mood), I had depression.

Feeling low

Certainly had plenty of that.

 

© Elizabeth Fisher and My Wellbeing and Learning Journey.

Unauthorised use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to My Wellbeing and Learning Journey with appropriate and specific direction to the original content. But Guest Posts that feature on my blog are not allowed at all to be duplicated.