Thoughts and feelings

Glad I don’t have children

One time, I always wanted my own child, or maybe adopt. But after the last relationship I was in, I knew it wasn’t going to happen. (I wasn’t going to waste my years in another relationship to not go somewhere.) I later learnt by accident via Google, that he turned out to be jailed after abusing a child, as my long term readers will know from when I blogged anout it here. So with the disgust of knowing that, which created my own triggers from past as well as new ones at that time of discovery, I swore blind no one would touch me again, as well as definitely staying single. Which that remains.

But with how things have been with my mum and how I am from the effects of it, I am so glad I don’t have children. What I have felt in my childhood and as an adult, would now be repeated and passed on in some form. I wouldn’t want to put them through it.

Lows and highs for today

I can only foucus only on a day at a time. Each day is a mental struggle. If I try to focus on anything more than a day, even for the positive things, I just find it overwhelming.

I have had a few little highs this morning, that just perked my morning a little.
After my morning job was done, I chose to walk through the nature reserve, as I was going to my local supermarket and there is way off the reserve that brings you to it. On my travel through the reserve, I seen a heron and oh my, I was really close. I have seen a heron before, but not as close as I was today. I wasn’t able to get a photo unfortunately, as it flew off.
My other pick me up was while I was in the supermarket. I came across an apple pie that was actually vegan and it wasn’t expensive. Which makes a change. It was under £2. I am going to be enjoying this with dairy-free custard today and tomorrow.

Photo of packaging of my vegan apple pie

 

© Elizabeth Fisher and My Wellbeing and Learning Journey.

Unauthorised use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to My Wellbeing and Learning Journey with appropriate and specific direction to the original content. (But Guest Posts that feature on my blog are not allowed at all to be duplicated, as that is their copyright.)

Blog post re-share : Apps I find help my mental health. — Life with the Hazelwoods

I have tried three of the apps mentioned in this post and, the one I am going to stick with and see how I go longer term with, will be the Calm Harm app.

It’s all about finding what what works for you.
I am mostly a paper based person, as that’s easier for me. But I have tried apps in the past and found a lot not suitable for me, in different ways. But the Calm Harm on first impressions is good and, although I don’t self-harm, I have been feeling suicidal, as well as having anxiety and depression,
I think this app can help for those too.

Do you use apps?

Do visit this bloggers post and comment there.

When your phone is always in your hand it’s quick and easy to download apps that can help when you’re in a bad place. I downloaded calm harm first. It’s been the best app ever for me. It’s completely personalised and you need a password so nobody else will open it. It’s made for people […]

via Apps I find help my mental health. — Life with the Hazelwoods

My thoughts

I am not going to go too deep in my thoughts, but lets start with when I first decided it was time for counselling. My private one I will be having in under 2 weeks, paid for by work. (Just 6 sessions are paid for by work.) When I filled the assessment form, it required next of kin details. For the first time I wrote none, because it’s not like my mum is available as next of kin. Mum can’t decide for herself, let alone me, if something came to the worst.

Maybe you are in a similar situation of having no next of kin. Maybe you have. Do feel free to comment.

So who do you put down for next of kin, when you have no one?

I know from researching and asking for advice back in August, that I am not forced to put down next of kin. So this looks like how it will be from now on for me and where I do know I have my mum down as next of kin on my records, I may start removing.

I had to visit the ward today so I could see a staff member in charge of my mum, regarding some personal affairs, after checking on her bungalow and mail today. I hope they will be dealt with. I hope they dealt with the other, because what I was reading today made me wonder.

I chose to see my mum, but told them how I have been and am at that point I was there. I only managed 5 minutes with my mum and it wasn’t a pleasant experience. In that 5 minutes mum spoke about:

  • Germs in space
  • Wanted me to save her savings book and bank card, which I said no, because she will need that. I have saved it before, for her. But I am not now.
  • Wanted to know how I knew she was there
  • Convinced she is well
  • Told me to keep away while she’s there like she told me to before. (Even though mum has tried to make contact in between.)

Mum is very unwell in the way I expected. I don’t know when my next visit will be, but it will be no time soon. I can’t see mum being home for Christmas and I still feel like I have no mum. A feeling that I have had for some time now.

Our relationship won’t be the same again. And that’s if there will be ever one.

I still feel there is a chance my mum won’t be around by Christmas, regardless she is in a safe place. The only comfort I have, is knowing my mum is in a safe place.

Now, after this post airs, I am dealing with all the charities that ask for fucking money, or send raffle tickets to sell. Mum has not helped half of these and there are charities that I have never heard of. But whether she has helped or not, I am fucking telling them where to go. Those that know the full extent of this and what mum does, will know where I am coming from. But mum is like any other elderly person in the UK ; more fucking charity mail on her doorstep than what should be expected on her doorstep.

 

© Elizabeth Fisher and My Wellbeing and Learning Journey.

Unauthorised use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to My Wellbeing and Learning Journey with appropriate and specific direction to the original content. But Guest Posts that feature on my blog are not allowed at all to be duplicated.

Following on from yesterday’s post

(This post comes with a trigger warning, as it discuses suicide.)

Following on from yesterday’s post, Counselling, I heard same day from a counsellor via the work programme, who texted me in the evening.
This person wanted to ask me a few questions, which I answered and to see how I was feeling.
Most importantly, because of mentioning suicide on the assessment form, this person wanted to know if I felt safe that night and asked if I had any plans to end my life. Which I said I was feeling low, but had no plans to, because I don’t want to hurt my friends, like my mum has hurt me.
A few more questions were asked and I was given a couple of places I could use, should I need to use them in a crisis. So I have these details on my phone and on paper, should I need to, quick to hand.
I was also asked if it was ok for them to contact my GP, asking if the GP knew of my suicidal thoughts. I said how my GP knew of my difficulties, but not suicidal thoughts, because then, I did not have them.

Today, I heard from my doctors surgery and I had an appointment made in the afternoon to talk about my feelings.
This GP I had not been before and so another doctor I like at this practice. I see her again in a couple of weeks, to see how I am doing. Hopefully, I will already be having counselling, so she can see how I am doing with that and go from there.

The person who contacted me from the programme will keep me updated with anything I need to know, along with when they source me a local counsellor, which they usually get set up within 10 days.
Until I see the counsellor, the idea is using either of those contacts, if I have a crisis. Both available 24 hours a day, 7 days a week.

My doctor I seen this afternoon also said should I feel worser that I feel I can’t cope, to come in sooner. Until then, we talked about the things I do that help and if I have anyone I feel I can talk to, etc. How walking is good for mental health, which I do.
Also, while I am as I am, it would be best not to see my mum, till I felt more better and to not feel bad about it. To do it when ready, as to keep me safe.

 

© Elizabeth Fisher and My Wellbeing and Learning Journey.

Unauthorised use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to My Wellbeing and Learning Journey with appropriate and specific direction to the original content. But Guest Posts that feature on my blog are not allowed at all to be duplicated.

Counselling

So as you know, I am waiting for counselling on the NHS after my difficulties of this year, messing with my own mental health. I have already been waiting over 2 months for my assessment. (I thought it was getting on 3 months.)

Via a programme that I automatically have access to, as part of me being an employee with my evening job, counselling services is one of them.
I started wondering that if I contacted them, would I possibly get in quicker? So I queried. It turns out I would, because as soon as I have filled in my assesment form, they will source a counsellor within 10 working days.
So I have filled in my form and sent it back in an email today.

 

© Elizabeth Fisher and My Wellbeing and Learning Journey.

Unauthorised use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to My Wellbeing and Learning Journey with appropriate and specific direction to the original content. But Guest Posts that feature on my blog are not allowed at all to be duplicated.

Have you completely cut out refined sugar?

I can’t see me ever cutting out refined sugar completely, because I like my cake and sometimes some chocolate. But I need to reduce it, like I have done before.
With the difficulties I have had this year and especially how I felt these last few months, I have been eating a lot of the wrong thing. No surprise is it as I am sure you reading this now, will acknowledge how easy it can be to have something of the wrong thing that we find comforting.
Last month, at times I ate really high sugar content. This was surprising I managed that, without feeling sick, because when I changed the way I ate a few years ago for the better, meant my tastebuds changed and I could no longer tolerate sweet food. Yet, just last month I ate two bags of sugar-coated sweets, without grimacing. I did not eat these two bags in one go, but I did eat them the same day. Not like me at all. But thankfully, I have not gone out to buy another bag of those sweets and I have no intention.

Refined sugar we all know is not essential for our health. We also know it’s not good for our health:

  • Obesity
  • Cavities in teeth
  • Type 2 diabetes

These are just a few. But I have also been reading how it can affect out mental health. It apparently does not help us if we have depresdion and anxiety. Some things I have read for this, a lot of them I have experienced.

I admire those that can really cut out the refined sugar, because sugar appears in food you would not think of, like white bread for example. But there are other foods too, which I won’t list, because it is too many to list and if you want to read up on it further, you only have to Google it.

As I have said, I can’t see me cutting it out completely. But, I can reduce it.

Out of curiosity, have any of my readers cut out refined sugar completely from their diet?

If so, maybe you have suggestions, or tips for me and other readers, should we decide to cut it out.
But even if not cutting out, reducing is better than nothing.

 

© Elizabeth Fisher and My Wellbeing and Learning Journey.

Unauthorised use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to My Wellbeing and Learning Journey with appropriate and specific direction to the original content. But Guest Posts that feature on my blog are not allowed at all to be duplicated.

My feelings – part 3

(This post comes with a trigger warning, due to mention of suicide. But I don’t go into detail of this. I just mention the word and the ending of my life.)

So I finally got round to writing this post. A post I found difficult for different reasons.
One being able to actually delve into my feelings this time and acknowledge them.
Two, to understand what my feelings actually were and three, how I was going to write this post.

The following feelings I write, are based on what I have been feeling, or still feeling, since late August to present, as this post airs.

Anger

I have felt two types of anger. The general type anger and the “I hate the world” feeling type anger. The latter, I have not felt for some years and it wasn’t nice to feel that again.

Tearful

Lots of tears.

Anxiety

Anxiety has been a little in the day, but not to affect me. The worst was waking up with it, first thing in a morning. My heart was pounding on some occasions. Did I have a disturbed sleep prior? Dreaming? I don’t know.

Dark mood

As I have said in an earlier post, I have been in a dark mood. I’ve not wanted to be here. I have had dark thoughts of ending my life. But as I have said in that earlier post, I’m not going to follow it through, as I will not put my friends through what my my mum has put me through.
The dark thoughts were really strong from September to near end of October. They are not as strong now, or often as it was then. But it’s still there.

I have had dark thoughts once before, many years ago, but it wasn’t as strong, or persistent as I have experienced this year. Have you experienced it? What did you do?
I am probably doing already what you do, but do share your tips on ways you have distracted yourself from this.

Depression

You can say at my worst, (dark mood), I had depression.

Feeling low

Certainly had plenty of that.

 

© Elizabeth Fisher and My Wellbeing and Learning Journey.

Unauthorised use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to My Wellbeing and Learning Journey with appropriate and specific direction to the original content. But Guest Posts that feature on my blog are not allowed at all to be duplicated.

“Don’t come near keep away”

November is getting near. The month when at some point I am to meet my mum at some point originally.

My mum’s number remains blocked on my phone, until I come to unblocking it, when November arrives. This was to stop me being disturbed while having my own mental wellbeing break, after the burnout I had in August.
It became no contact, because as most of you will know, mum failed to respect my boundaries I needed when I limited the contact. So it became in the end no contact, until I was ready in November.
During the time my mum’s number has been blocked in my phone, I know mum has tried to contact me still, because of the icon that appears on the phone to show that. Most of October has been quiet until recently in which there has been attempted calls during the time I would be working. Mum knows I don’t answer my phone in general because of struggling to hear her, which then spoils the conversation, or worse, arguments because I cannot hear well and I can get frustrated by that, as well as mum getting frustrated with me because I don’t hear. But also she knows I don’t answer when I am at work. How many I have noticed she has attempted these past few days, had her number not been blocked, it would have been annoyingly going off in my pocket, disturbing me working. That’s if aware it going off in the first place, because when I am moving about in my job, I don’t always feel the phone’s vibration.

I wake up this morning and see another attempted contact. I choose to see what contact she was trying again and this time it was a text. Scrambled at the beginning because she don’t know how to delete text, even though I shown her when she first had this phone make years ago, but very clear after what she does say after, which is “Don’t come near keep away.”

Does this upset me after seeing this? No, because of mum never understanding the damage done to me back in July, with the way she behaved that day, that triggered back memories from childhood and from her overdosing in February.
But also knowing mum does not mean what she says. She’s more likely doing this because she thinks this will protect me. But it doesn’t.
It adds to the further of how I feel about all this in regards to how I feel towards mum, from childhood to now.

I also do not trust mum anymore when it comes to her mental health. If she isn’t taking an overdose, she stops taking her medication. That’s the pattern I have known.

I don’t feel ready to see my mum and I wonder if I ever will. The above makes it more easy in not seeing my mum. So although I had written a date in my my dairy when to see my mum originally. The question is whether I will, because I don’t need further shit and how I feel, I think it would turn to an argument within 5 minutes me being there, or if not that, then me being in tears and walking out, like I did when I was 11 and that is why I don’t think I would ever be ready.

 

© Elizabeth Fisher and My Wellbeing and Learning Journey.

Unauthorised use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to My Wellbeing and Learning Journey with appropriate and specific direction to the original content. But Guest Posts that feature on my blog are not allowed at all to be duplicated.

Blog post re-share: Before You End Your Life – Suicide Awareness — Writing My Heart Out

This post comes with a trigger warning, as it discusses suicide.
It’s a blog post re-share from Writing My Heart Out. 

It’s a post close to my heart, because as you know, my mum attempted suicide back in February.

Also, due to the effects of that hitting me later and now the struggles with my mum since, you will know I talked about being in a very dark place and that dark place was not wanting to live anymore myself.
I still have those feelings, but I am not going to act them out. I am now in tears as I type that.
I am tired, as you know of all this with my mum. I have had it long as I can remember. But the struggles came from my teens, when I was her carer in some way, until this year I said no fucking more, after I took a week off work burnt-out. And so I am now her daughter. Not her carer and due to mum’s current situation as you know, preparations will be put into place by those in charge of her care, that mum is going to have to accept when the time comes to discharge. But until we are at that place, mum unfortunately is that bad, she is not at a place to take charge of her care.

Do read this blog post by clicking on the link below, visiting the original blog post to continue reading and comment there.

Are you at the lowest of your life right now? Does everything seems to falling in front of you? Have you lost faith in yourself? Do you feel like taking your own life & end everything ? If yes, keep reading till the end. Hello everyone! First of all, the reason why am I writing […]

via Before You End Your Life – Suicide Awareness — Writing My Heart Out

How have I kept sane?

One question that always springs to my mind over the years and it does now, is, how have I managed to stay sane?

Yes, I have anxiety at times and I have/had depression. Also PTSD. But I have never been that bad that I needed to be an inpatient of some kind.

This is the only thing that amazes me and I can’t get my head around. Which is a good thing. But still, how the heck have I?

 

© Elizabeth Fisher and My Wellbeing and Learning Journey.

Unauthorised use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to My Wellbeing and Learning Journey with appropriate and specific direction to the original content. (But Guest Posts that feature on my blog are not allowed at all to be duplicated, as that is their copyright.)