Today, I seen on my Facebook timeline a post I had written here that I thought I would re-share. It is 3 years today, when I decided I wasn’t drinking any more alcohol. Yes, I have felt at times I have fancied a drink, (for the wrong reasons,) but I have not touched. The urges are not strong as they were and I still feel this was the best decision for me to not drink again.
For those that are new to my blog and may not have seen my post that explained why I chose to stop, then this post you will find here.
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Before I suffered with depression, I always understood that it would never go away, it was just about how each day is managed to make it the best day you possibly can. That you found a way to learn to live with it.
So what I am about to say next will probably surprise you, because it has me.
As you know, I have depression on and off over the years. Being on medication this time round has been longer than before. But I always thought that I could get rid of my depression once and for all. It wasn’t until this year at some point, that I accepted I had to learn to live with it and cope each day what it may or not bring. To make each day the best I can, (and I am still learning.)
After this post; Another disappointing blow which I shared my disappointment with you of not getting the job, I have since tried to keep a positive mind. Keeping a positive mind and going to a workplace I find where my self-esteem is challenged because of what has happened in the past and also this year is very tiring. Some days I just don’t want to get up and my anxiety can kick in some way. It’s hard work when you don’t feel appreciated and just don’t have a clue with your own department no more, which has led me to have no faith or trust because of what has happened,past and present. It has been soul-destroying at times and I had to take antidepressants, as well as counselling to help with this and past childhood issues that came out.
So what am I doing to try and keep this positive mind?
- As SummerSHINES mentioned in the above post in my comments, see the job as temporary. This is something I have heard before while having difficult moments and it does help.
- If I want, or need extra hours, then I am going to see this as temporary also. But also I have control in where I would like to clean, by picking of a list that takes my fancy. So I could pick an area where I know it will only be me cleaning it, if I wanted.
- Try to make sure I continue to practice self-care.
- Continue with my current studies and enjoy the moment and experience.
- Continue to enjoy the experience of my driving lessons and look forward to what the future can bring with this.
- Continue to do things that will take me outside my comfort zone, when I can.
It was my review with the doctor today for my antidepressants and I am now back to one a day when it comes to taking them, after chatting with him. (Instead of one every other day.)
He is happy for me to be on them for some time if needed, with the strength being a low one and has not said about me coming back in so many months this time, so I imagine it will crop up in a much later appointment, or when I am just due for the check later when it becomes zero on my repeat prescription.
I let him know what I was doing and the situation still at work, along with how I feel about that. So it was after that conversation that he decided I should go back to one day. Unlike my work department, I trust my doctor and so I am happy with what he suggests.
While I was at my doctors, I also asked if my hay fever tablets could be changed to a non-drowsy one, because of me learning to drive and hopefully a car driver one day. I mentioned how the instructor brought this up regarding medication in general and checking that they don’t affect your driving. The doctor was happy to do this, but pointed out that even non-drowsy medication can make you drowsy. If I felt they were not good for me, I could go back and be given something else.
I had to post this morning, to get it off my chest what I am currently feeling this morning, after just seeing a particular email.
You will remember via this post; Recent thoughts, I applied for a full-time cleaning job in Derby. I was not successful and so a disappointing blow once more, as this one was really a big deal for me and I could see lots of positive changes to come. I don’t want to be where I currently work and I have wanted to get out for a good few years, but yet I still feel I am going to be stuck here. If I am not successful in something I am skilled at elsewhere, then what chance do I have if I choose a completely different path?
As you know, I am having same access issues as every other year, which is currently being dealt with by the same person who dealt with it last year. Another person in the trust is now getting involved, along with her. I seen her last night and so we spoke some more, along with my colleague who she also knows. She told me it will take time, but we will deal with this, along with other issues I also mentioned and come up with something. I do have faith in her, but as I have said to her, I don’t have any faith or trust in my own department, hence I no longer want to be there. Knowing there isn’t going to be an opportunity again, for some time like the one I applied for recently and nothing else of a different nature in the pipeline anytime soon, I can only wish for a miracle, but going to work tonight is going to be very hard. I do not feel me whenever I walk in my own department, as I have the dread, anxiety creeping and low-self esteem and depression.
As I have already mentioned, I have no faith or trust with my department anymore. These feeling are valid and I have proof for those reasons which I cannot disclose here for confidentiality reasons.
When I feel low and when I find I am still stuck where I am, I wonder if I am just expired and no place anywhere.