DWP is a trigger for me

After going through the PIP crap last year and finding like many others who had DLA for life not getting PIP, I find DWP are a trigger for me. When I see news articles of people who lost PIP when it was bloody obvious they should have got it and having to fight for it, makes me bloody angry. It is huge stress that does not help the individual’s health on top of what ever they are already experiencing. It makes me fume. and I feel for them, like how I felt it when going through all this.
As readers know, I did not appeal my PIP. PIP was stressful enough, but when I learnt I had not got it, I was already grieving the loss of a double-death in my family and on top of this, finding an ex boyfriend was jailed for a historic case of child assault. I was broken from loss in the family and hugely triggered by the news of the ex. I had no strength to fight for PIP. I had to think about next year, as I knew I got the job and I wanted to be in the best of health for this job. Not be off sick before I started.

Now I am free of DLA/PIP and WTC, I feel bloody free. I have been sick and tired of answering to people in general over the years, including DWP, feeling I have to prove my deafness. My medical notes tell how fucking deaf I am.

So this year, DWP contacted revenues, who wrote to my mum, because DWP said to them that I was living at my mum’s and so revenues had to check my mum out. My mum is not well and I insisted and told my mum to insist that revenues comes to her to do the checks. I was bloody fuming and the trust I don’t have for DWP on top of this makes me hate them even more. This part has already been sorted now, although my MP is getting involved in this and so she is currently waiting for a reply from DWP too.
BUT… I have now a personal gripe with DWP and I have raised this with my MP and because of what I have raised, meant I have now raised about the PIP experience, what I think of DWP in general and a question why can ‘t DWP follow a bloody simple instruction, as in why are they phoning me, when my phone number I gave was just for text purposes? I can’t hear on the phone. Explaining how they also tried to let me know of PIP assessment that was cancelled via phone, which I did not know about cancellation until I arrived there, wasting my time and getting stressed for nothing, because they did not contact me appropriate way.
I have also expressed how I now get easily angry when I read about others who have lost and have had to fight for their PIP, like the recent case she shared on her Facebook wall at the time. I questioned, that does DWP think they are above the law? When my MP had received reply to her first letter, she will raise the next one that I personally have.

I recommend watching film, “I, Daniel Blake.”

I recommend anyone watching the film, “I, Daniel Blake.” The film is about 59 years old carpenter; Daniel Blake, who after suffering a heart attack has to fight the system in order to receive Employment and support Allowance. daniel Blake also befriends a single mum who is also fighting her own battles with the system. I watched this last year on 16th November 2017.
It was after watching this film, that I was able to write the following on my Facebook wall, which I made public. This film obviously stirred up something in me, to find I could write what I shared that day. I share this here on my blog, that I written that day.

“I have watched “I, Daniel Blake,” this morning. If you have not seen this film, then I totally recommend for different reasons; if you are struggling yourself, knowing you are not alone, an inspirational film, truly hitting, inspiring.”

Although the film has inspired me, for my own personal situation, I still don’t have the energy to appeal. Too may things have gone on and I have to think about my mental health. To do that, means I am not appealing PIP.

But for people who have no choice, but to appeal and face hardship because of this system being so fucked up that someone who was denied ESA because they made them fit for work, regardless that medical people have said they are not fit for work, this film shows just what goes on in our country.

Today, this still happens and I would like every Government member sit and watch this film. I would like every person who works at DWP to see this film. The Government have created this mess, the DWP are of no help. You treat us as numbers, as service users still. But we are not. We are citizens as this film explains. Yet this is still going on.

I am one less person currently that you the Government and the DWP will be happy to hear that does not have the energy to appeal. I have too much happen to me in a short space of time and that is not including applying for PIP. I was given DLA for life, but because you created PIP, (this was just to save you money in your pocket, regardless what you say,) I now not seen worthy. My deafness and the difficulties remain the same. PIP does not support the deaf as it is made out to be. People that see you to assess you and make this decision are not qualified enough in my eyes to decide how to decide whether I am entitled to PIP or not and mess with my life.

There will be many more that will face possible hardship due to this fucked up system and I could be another to the system.

The Government and DWP don’t give a shit and as much as they try to say they do, sorry I don’t believe them, because I have seen it too many times where lives have been fucked up. There are also too may people now on the streets than I have ever seen and people using food banks. Seeing all this and my personal experience is proof how they don’t care.”

#IDanielBlake #PIP #disgraceful #welfarereform #DWP #Government

First chit-chat of 2018

Happy New Year to my readers and I hope you are well. I am back with my first post of the New Year, a couple of days earlier than planned.

So my final post of 2017 was a chit-chat post and I thought it would be best to start the first post of 2018 as a chit-chat post too. If there are any new readers reading this one, you may find reading that post will help with what I mention here in places.

(Before I allow you to continue reading this post, I have to give you a ‘Content Warning,’ as later on in this post I discuss child assault and rape. This is discussed where sub-title is called, “A sickening discovery.”

Double heartbreak

I finished my blogging early last year, after finding it difficult regarding my cousin and her husband’s death. The day I learnt of their death, my world went black and I just seemed to not be able to write.
As the days went on, getting more painful, as much as some words were floating around, I could not get them out and so I decided to finish blogging early for 2017, hoping I would be able to write by the New Year. During this dark time, doodling and colouring were my therapy while around supportive friends.

Their funeral was beautifully done, but going to it and saying goodbye was painfully hard. Through this though, I am back in touch with a couple of friends and a family member.

I gave up my volunteering role with LEAP (REBOOT), so I could give my time to help in any way in regards to changing the speed limit on the road they were killed on. I messaged a particular person via a contact form and my mum wrote a letter with whatever she wanted to discuss. My mum heard from him, but I didn’t, so just in case something went wrong on their end and he did not receive the message, I emailed him directly after coming across his details in a local paper, while in the area signing a petition for the road. I still did not hear anything though.

I have decided to start researching my family tree again and sticking with it this time round, than when I was younger. I don’t know how far I may go back, but I am not rushing about it. I will take it slow and enjoy what I find.

Tooth

Thankfully, I had no further problems, after my tooth was removed and I later had impressions taken for the making of a false tooth. I did not feel self-conscious over my missing tooth, compared to my tooth itself. On the day I was fitted with my false tooth, I was surprised to see how small it was. I was surprised to find how I was getting on with it, which was better than I thought I would. Each day I would see some difference for the better, as I got used to it.

My new job

After my medical and references were satisfactory, I left my old job before Christmas and started the new one this year, on the 2nd January. It was such a weight off my shoulder, to find I got the job and leaving the old one. I never after all the years of applying, thought I would get out. I am hoping down the line, that if a job came up in the morning, I would be able to apply for that one, so I am working morning and evening there. Failing that, if I can’t, then just keep getting what ever hours I can get with them and asking them permission to get another job elsewhere, that won’t affect working with my current employer. So if this was the case, this job would have to be around lunchtime, for a couple of hours each day.

My driving lessons

My driving lessons I had last year were tough. The course was a Pass Express course. I had 20 hours of driving over 5 days, the fifth day I had my last driving lesson in the morning just for a couple of hours and in the afternoon, I had 30 minutes of driving before focusing on show me tell me questions, before my driving test. Reading the car number plate was no problem I found, with, or without reading glasses.
I ended up with 5 faults on my first driving test, but because one of them was a serious fault, it meant I failed my test. I was fine and I did not lose my confident from this. I took it as a learning experience just like I did when I failed my theory test the first time.
My second driving test was just under a month later. I had to learn a couple of new things in my lessons prior to the test, with the test changing. I started so well with this driving test, but towards the end, there were a few occasions I were close to a parked car, while giving way to an approaching car, so this developed into a serious fault, which resulted in me failing. I don’t argue the test and totally agree with why I did not pass, but it did hurt this time round.
I shall look into booking another test sometime this year, after contacting my driving instructor to arrange a mutual day to use his car.

Christmas

Leading up to Christmas was stressful and people had to accept that I was not going to be jolly or in the Christmas spirit. I was stressed and emotional in ways I had not experienced before.
It was one year without my aunt come by new years eve and I was determined I would have my Christmas tree up and lit in memory of her as planned. But with losing two members of my family at the same time and learning about an ex, it has made it very hard. I could not celebrate.
Christmas was with my mum at mine, which she stayed with me a four nights and I cooked Christmas dinner, which we had chicken, potatoes and veg cooked in the slow cooker.
Christmas was quiet for us as we dealt with our own emotions, but we had a relaxing Christmas. When mum slept, I painted my nails and later a friend came after she had her Christmas dinner nearby. We all chatted and before I knew it, I painted their nails. 🙂
Being around people who understood my moods leading up to Christmas and on Christmas day, made it easier for me relax and not feel pressured into expecting to be happy around this time, so because of this, it meant I could smile, or laugh at times. For those that had a problem of me not being in a Christmas mood, I warned in advance in a Facebook post that they can just piss off then.
Boxing Day me and mum watched a DVD, then afterwards we coloured for the rest of the afternoon, (in between a family member visiting.) We also watched another DVD the next day, followed by colouring.

I also wore a jogging bottom and top set that was nice and soft and relaxing to be in. Just what I needed and perfect timing, as I felt leading up to Christmas that I needed something soft and simple. It was so comfortable too.

PIP

I learnt in November that I was denied PIP. Readers will know that this has come to no surprise to me, as I have felt from the very beginning that PIP is totally against supporting the deaf. My DLA that was given to me for life originally, stopped in December. Although I could have appealed, I wasn’t going to give myself any extra stress for a system that is so fucked up and messing with people’s lives. I had no time and energy to appeal. I had to concentrate on other things that were coming up that mattered to me and I did not need any distraction to do those things.

My two older posts where I talked about PIP:

Chit-chat September
PIP assessment

Even though I expected this to happen, I was still left fuming and regardless that I am still getting over the double-death in my family, it doesn’t change how I feel that I WON’T BE APPEALING. So please don’t ask, or tell me to appeal in the comment section thank you. (Although appealing will be too late when this post airs anyway.)
Ever since I have been deaf, I feel I have to prove to others just how deaf I am and I am sick of proving to DWP again, regardless that I will NEVER get my hearing back and that I had DLA originally for life. If I ever have worser disabilities/illness, then yes, I will apply for PIP again, but until then, it can fuck. After the dark experiences I have had, I had to think about my own mental health and I am not fucking going to lose it, or lose my aims I am after, because PIP took away any further strength I had left. I wasn’t going to waste my energy, that I had little of left.
Losing PIP, means I lose my WTC, because I only received this because of my disabilities. I am not working enough hours to carry on claiming it, so that meant I had to inform them of the changes. Also, because of these changes, I will now look to downsizing from my two-bed property. This will be hard though, because flats going for rent tend to not allow pets. I need to be in a one bed property, whether that be a house, or a flat. (Preferably, I would like a downstairs flat, but if a first floor came up, I would take. I would take a one-bed house too, but these are rare.)
Readers will know I have had the urge to leave my current area for some time, so when I do look for properties, it will be in my next chosen area to move to, for a fresh start.

A sickening discovery

I discovered by accident while researching history of Meden Bank, that an ex boyfriend was jailed in June, last year, for assault to a child. The news article I came across mentioned that this happened to the victim when she was 6 years old. She came forward when she was 16. He was charged with one count of rape and one count of sexual assault against a child under the age of 13. He was a figure of trust to this child and he abused his position to take advantage of the 6-year-old.
To find this out only 4 days after attending the burial of my cousin and her husband left me at total breaking point. My coping strategies went out of the window, but during this time, a reader of my blog and blogger herself reminded me of those coping strategies.  It took me a good couple of hours to regain composure, but I was luckily not far away from support of close friends whether near, or far during this difficult time of this and the double-death I also had to deal with.
I burnt photos of my ex the next day from discovering this sickening news, which brought a little closure and made me feel I could approach the next day better, but I found I was still having my moments. I contacted Samaritans, regardless of the support I received around me from friends, as I was still struggling and I was zoning out at times.

The last time I spoke about my ex on my blog, was in this post: “Broken heart.” Now I know about this truth, then the feelings I had before, have now changed. Me and my family are shocked and we feel sick for allowing him into our lives. I hope he rots and he never sees freedom again. He was given 4 years and 6 months behind bars. (Not long enough sentence in my opinion.) If he does ever see freedom again, then I hope I never bump into him. He is also on the sex offenders register for life and has been issued with a sexual harm prevention order disallowing him to contact the victim, go to a school, or live with a girl under the age of 16.
I thought I knew him, but the whole of the 6 years we were together, he managed to keep this hidden.
I thought when he could not commit to me, that it was because of how long he had lived where he had lived, but now I know about this, he knew he wasn’t good enough for me and did not want to risk me finding him out. It has made me question everything and re-evaluate things. I look at the police photo at a person I thought I knew and all I see is a crim. It was his photo I seen first before knowing what he done and I thought he’d looked different and a crim, before I knew what he actually had done.

So when you ask the question as I used to ask, surely that person knew he was one? Well no, you don’t always know, as I found out myself. 😦

Cut my head

In the very early hours of Friday morning, (the week following the funeral and finding out about the ex,) I got out of bed one morning and lost my balance. I banged my head on the bedside cabinet and cut my head. I got myself a taxi to A&E and about two and a half hours later, I was discharged. While at the hospital, I thought I might as well wait another half an hour so I could see them personally, to let them know I would be off work that night because of it. Once I done that, I let friends know and my mum know what went off. I slept most of the time, due to concussion for the next couple of days. I did not really get over it until the third day where everything was fine. Well fine, except for sore head where I knocked myself.

I plan to move

As i mentioned earlier in this post, readers will know last year, that I had the urge for some time to start in a new area, but I was going to hold on and try to make do until I no longer had my cat. But because of finding out about my ex, that strong urge to move came back and I have finally had enough and I plan to move. I need to downsize to a one-bed property, so I can avoid the bedroom tax, with my money situation changing. This move will be difficult, because not many will not accept cats in a flat, but I will look around and try. In the mean time, I have started clearing my yard, in preparation when this one day happens, so there will be no more posts from my garden.
My garden posts will have already been deleted as this post airs.

Bullet journals and Positive Jar

Bullet journals as been around for some time and although I have used journals myself in some way, I have never used any of the bullet journal ideas. During the time of my break from blogging, I thought I would give it a go and try some of the ideas that would be good for me, or nice to try. This has been a bit of therapy too, during the dark times I mentioned above.
If you have not tried doing a bullet journal, just by googling, you will bring up loads of ideas.
Does any of my readers bullet journal? I will share my bullet journal in a post, sometime in February. 🙂

I have started doing the Positive Jar again this year, instead of the journal. This was because after trying the journal way about a year, for the following couple of years after, I started to slack at it, till I neglected it. Doing it the jar way was so more effective for me, so I now recommend it this way now, instead of the journal. If you want to read more about this when I first talked about it here, then just look to the right of my blog, where the ‘tags’ are and click on ‘Positive Jar/Journal.’

My learning

I have just my pet sitting course to work on as you know, if you are a regular reader. But I have nothing to report on this much, other than I need to try to get back into it. My brain felt like mush, after my family bereavements and I just could not focus. I have only been able to focus on driving.

Looking forward to what the year brings

To say what a year it has been for me near the end of last year, I am looking forward to what the year brings this year.

PIP assessment

Yesterday’s post did not mention my PIP assessment I had, as I did not want to drag away from what I was feeling that night in the previous post. It was a long day for me yesterday, as I was up at 5.45am. I was going to get up at 6am, but when I woke up then, I thought I’d get up. I was surprised I wasn’t tired with lack of sleep, but obviously, by the end of the night, I was knackered and drained by the time of the work scenario.
I was up early, as I had to compensate setting out earlier than normal as mum was coming with me this time. So I wasn’t alone.
When we arrived in Nottingham and literally around the corner from the place of where the assessment would take hold, we had a hot drink and a little something to eat, till it was nearer to time for my appointment. I did not lose my way this time and for going the right way this time, I could see there was more options to visit till appointment time. The cafe we had chosen was Tuckers, which was opposite the Kitty Cafe. The staff were nice and welcoming and we actually went back there after my assessment for lunch, before making our way home.

As you will know, I have been worried about the PIP assessment due to not feeling that the form suits people with a hearing loss. Also from what I have read and heard from people affected directly with regards to it, in which people who are entitled, lose it. On top of that, as you know, the first time it was cancelled and I did not know until I arrived there, in which I found it was them who tried to phone me, even though my PIP form clearly stated to only use my mobile number for texting, as deaf. They also did not book my Lipspeaker. So I had every right to feel concerned about this appointment.

After signing myself in and meeting my Lipspeaker, the first call was the toilet for me, then we made our way downstairs to wait in a private waiting room outside the room where I would be assessed. While waiting for my turn to be assessed, it was a chat with my Lipspeaker to get to know one another with not meeting her before and for her to know how I would like her to help me, finding out if I knew any sign and if I wanted her to use that too.

The assessment

When it was time to go in the room, I pointed to the chair for my mum to sit at and I sat next to her, facing my Lipspeaker and the woman who was to be assessing me. After the formalities were out-of-the-way, in which I decided I wanted to see if I could lipread and hear the assessor first and if not, then I would look at my Lipspeaker, for her to repeat what she had said.
I found the assessor had a tone of voice that was right for me, but there were times after trying to lipread her for a while that I did end up using the Lipspeaker to get it repeated. When my mum spoke to add her part, I relied on the Lipspeaker to tell me what she had said every time, as she was sat a little further back from me and I can’t lipread sideways on, on top that I don’t hear my mum as well now.
Some questions were a repeat that were already on the PIP form and some were new. This gave me a chance to add, or amend anything by doing this. Every time the assessor spoke to me, she always looked at me directly so I could see her face. She never covered it and when she asked some certain questions about my hearing loss, I felt with this and making sure she always looked at me when she spoke that she had awareness. I have read how some assessors have not been helpful and done tests that were not acceptable towards deaf, but I have never received anything in the assessment room that was not acceptable. She only asked questions, nothing else.
My assessment was under an hour and although it was relaxing in the room, I wasn’t fully relaxed because of questions I would know that would possibly come, when it came to talking about my depression and anxiety. I thought more questions were going to be asked than that with regards to my depression, so just when I thought I may not hold it  together on the subject she asked me, it was on to a different topic.
I did have tears in my eyes after a particular question about how I feel and why. I don’t know if it may have been obvious to her. It’s not nice saying how you truly feel in front of your own mum, that you wish you were dead and that I have thought these thoughts, I just not acted on them. I just instead wished that when I went to bed to sleep at night, that I did not wake up the next day.

My opinions after my own PIP assessment

As I have mentioned, staff are pleasant and so is the assessor. The environment was relaxing and welcoming, even though I was not relaxed. The assessor always looked at me when she asked me questions and never ever covered here face. She even used some sign herself when she spoke, which was nice. I have the confidence that what I said, is down on those notes, but because of how I feel about the PIP application process, I still wonder whether I will get it. The waiting will be long, because of the back log, so it will be many weeks before I know anything, so until then my DLA continues, till they make their mind up at DPW.

Chit-chat – September

Twitter

Near beginning of September I decided to deactivate my Twitter account, as I could not commit to popping in at least once a week for 5 to 10 minutes to check on things.

My hand

I also went to see my doctor about my left hand as it was getting painful around a knuckle. I have had twinges around there on and off since my late 20’s or early 30’s, but it has never caused me concern and I could easily ignore it, until I nearly dropped a small bottle of cola and pain followed. Paracetamol did take it off for so long, but now it doesn’t.
After my doctor examined my hand, he did not think it was rheumatoid arthritis, but he wanted me to have a blood test to just rule it out. I also had an x-ray. I took his advice to use some pain killing gel on my hand, which he left for me to get as there was a gel I was aware of that suited me years ago, after a previous that had ibuprofen in it broke my skin within days. I could not remember name of and I would only recognise by seeing the packet, as I was aware the packet had changed since I used it years ago for my right knee. (Voltarol.) I never thought to use pain killing gel on my hand, which I have found helps better together with paracetamol at times. I can take paracetamol while using it, but not ibuprofen. But I can’t take ibuprofen anyway, as it interferes with my asthma now.
From seeing my doctor, I have to allow 4 weeks for x-ray to come back and then make an appointment, where I will find out the results.

Learning

My Health Care Foundation course is finished and I received a ‘High Merit,’ in my final examination piece. As much as I enjoyed this course and my mental health course, I am so glad to finish them both. I think this feeling of so glad to finish is because of how tired I have become with work issues I shared in a post a bit back, where I could not go into to detail.
My studies are just learning to drive and my pet sitting course now.
My next theory test is on 5th October and I need to pass this first, before I can start my driving lessons with my new instructor.

PIP (Personal Independence Payment)

It was my PIP assessment today, which I had to travel to Nottingham for this appointment. When I got there, (after first losing my way,) I found my appointment had been cancelled and they tried to phone me yesterday. I now have another one, for a few weeks time. My friends on Facebook will realise just how upset I was about this as my F words started coming out in a post I created while coming back from Nottingham, along with twats. But if they had seen me, they would have seen how upset I became, as I worked on my breathing, to keep myself calm as I could.
CAPITA have details on my PIP application form on how I communicate. When I gave my mobile number to them, this was for texts to keep me updated on my application. Text was written next to my number on my application form.

I can’t describe how I was feeling on the way to this assessment, other than through the anxiety I was already feeling, because I think this PIP form goes against the deaf.
I then started to feel sick, as I discovered my rent is going up from the landlord when I communicated with him via text while on the bus. So I find out some time next week how much that will be.
I also had a headache brought on by my anxiety, which I still have, but thankfully my sickness has gone and I was able to eat something when I got home.

As you know from tomorrow, I am having my D.I.Y. Retreat and so you may find your comments delayed being on show till I come back from my break.

Thanks for reading.