Weird… Strange…

I have been classed weird, or strange over the years. These times are rare when they happen and when they do, it’s usually by people who don’t know me at all.

Regardless that this can still hurt when I hear this. I don’t care what they think, when they don’t know me.

I don’t automatically let anyone in. I have to know you first, then slowly the walls will go down. Depending on how much I trust you, or how much you are involved in my life will depend on whether I partly let you in, or fully let you in.

But if you do something that knocks that trust away, then the walls quickly go up and are not likely to come down for you.

When you see someone who you think is weird, or strange, rather than think that say hello and see what happens. Chances are you will get an hello back, with a smile. You don’t know their background that makes them like that. For me, I had fear of dad growing up. I was bullied at school from late junior school age and all through comprehensive. So I don’t give trust easily. I stand back and observe you, seeing what you are like. You are either going to be a person who I think may be ok. Or you may be some I don’t want to know, or don’t feel comfortable around, because how you come across. I am more cautious of men, then women, because I have been in an abusive relationship and then another relationship who years later after splitting up with him, found out what a person he was like that he was hiding and so I will never go out with a man. But if I have a man just as a friend, then it means I have trusted you as a friend. But regardless of trust, I would still never go out with a man. Being single is the way I will go. I would never be intimate again. The idea makes me sick. I have done more as a single person, than in a relationship.

So next time you are thinking someone is strange, or weird. Rather than call them up front, or behind their backs, ask yourself why that might be? Say hello because you want to be a friend, otherwise walk away and leave that person alone. They have enough to possibly contend with.

© Elizabeth Fisher and My Wellbeing and Learning Journey.

Unauthorised use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to My Wellbeing and Learning Journey with appropriate and specific direction to the original content. (But Guest Posts that feature on my blog are not allowed at all to be duplicated, as that is their copyright.)

Mum’s words

I thought I already talked about how I value my mum’s words here. But looking through my posts it seems not and so it must have been a thought whether to write this, or not here. Or it might have been that I mentioned this when commenting at another bloggers blog. I can’t remember. But I certainly cannot see anywhere where I have written it here on my blog, in the last 3 months.

Its also a difficult post for me to write. Given the situation now.

Anyway… I value mum’s words. I always have.
Mum writes poetry. Well used to. This has now stopped since she was sectioned last year and her writing now is squiggles of what looks like in the pattern of writing, or when words are formed, its scrambled, when I visit her at the care home.

Mum would always get me reading her poems after she had written them. But in the last few year’s, mum would get me reading them during her creation, as well as when she had finished for my opnions. Mum knew I wasn’t for poetry at that time. But reading hers was a different matter. Sometimes her poems would reflect God and so she would sometimes warn me prior. I would still read, but giving any further input than they were alright, I felt it wasn’t my place to do on those type of poems. But the other poems that were about anything else, I would, if mum wanted opinions. But I would like what I read and say they were alright, or good and anything else that I enjoyed about them.
Some of mum’s poems became humorous in the last few years

Some of my friends reading this blog, have read some of my mum’s poems and they have loved them too.
The care team that used to come to mum’s bungalow until she had to be sectioned would end up reading my mum’s poems. They enjoyed, but they were also fascinated in how she would be able to create these poems. Some poems, just like that. Spontaneous.

My mum’s creative side is definitely poems. But mum had one time sketched in a younger years, that one time she kept. There’s only one now that exists, that she did not throw away and that’s a sketch of her mum. The others she sketched were of some actors. One I remember being Adam West.
They were brilliant and I am not saying that cos she’s my mum. They were brilliant.

I take after mum for sketching. But sketching people I cannot do and its not my thing.
And I can’t do poems like my mum. (Although had written two I think, for a person I once loved. The only time I was inspired.)

Mum has also made beautiful handmade cards and got that much into it, that she made more than me. Mum stopped because of her hands. I gave her suggestions for alternate ways, to show she did not need to give up her hobby. But she did.

Now mum’s words are nearly gone, I value mum’s words even more and her poems.

But last year, before mum became sectioned, a particular notebook of poems that mum had written and had promised to me, she had sent to some nuns. I was speechless. All I could do was nod and smile, while inside I was breaking further. I was in tears when I left, to go to work. Mum always spoke of that when I would get this notebook, I could get them published if I wanted. When she wasn’t around. I said I would like to see them published, while you are alive.

Not long after mum became sectioned, a nun had written to my mum to thank her for the poem book and money. I am not going to say how much she gave to them here. But it was a lot and first I knew of this. Mum did not mention that part to me and it was the hugest amount of money she has given away, in her vulnerable state.

Not so long ago, I written to the nuns, asking for mum’s notebook of poems back. Explaining what has been going on with my mum and how she became sectioned not long after and so mum has never seen this letter of thanks from them.  And why I would like mum’s poem book back and what the notebook looked like.

I thought I’d would have left this too late. But I learnt that I hadn’t, when receiving a reply back from one of the Sister’s.

It turns out mum sent 3 notebooks of poems and the money was still there, untouched. They were hoping to find a way to get in touch some way with mum, or next of kin in what to do. Mum had said in a letter that they could publish her poems. But they were not able to do anything with these books, or money, so they were glad to hear from me.

I replies back and said I was surprised to hear of 3 poem notebooks being sent because of not finding any in mum’s belongings, as I expected mum had thrown them away, as she said she would when rewriting into the notebook I was aware of and described to them. I also understood if they felt uncomfortable keeping the money now, knowing the circumstances, but I was just after her notebook of poems, so to hear there be more, even more the precious. But if they were to hand the money back, it would go in mum’s purse, because right now, until I become deputy, means mum doesn’t have any money.

I will be travelling down soon, to meet up with one Sister, on an arranged day to pick up the 3 notebooks of poems, as well as possibility, the money.

I am feeling emotional, knowing I will be holding my mum’s poems, soon.


© Elizabeth Fisher and My Wellbeing and Learning Journey.

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My feelings – part 12

If I could stay in bed for I don’t know how many days and sulk it out I would. But I get up.

It’s important I get up, as I have my morning job to go to. The only job that feels secure right now.

The evening one that isn’t, with how that job makes me feel already, now makes it even more harder to be arsed to go to.
I sent an email to them, the day after bank holiday saying exactly how I feel about this since our team meeting. I feel better for doing that, even if nothing comes of it in the end.

I have always gave more than my 100% in a job, from ever since I left school and worked, but with how things once again go for me, I just wonder why bloody bother?

Why bother chasing for dreams, that end up being dreams still?

Regardless how I feel, I have my regular weekly chats with my neighbour, over a cuppa. Or we are out walking. Sometimes our meet ups maybe twice a week, even if I am just sat outside the flat a bit.

I don’t want mum in the care home she is currently in and I won’t be at rest until she is somewhere different. Preferably one of her choices of two places once discussed years ago, as I will mention in an upcoming post soon.


© Elizabeth Fisher and My Wellbeing and Learning Journey.

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The positives I think to try and outweigh the negatives

So, in The day that comes when it’s time to leave this earth. I won’t fight it. I revealed how I still feel.

For some of you that know me well, may have found that hard hitting to read. It may have shocked. But this is how I feel and have felt for some time. Its not a daily thing. But when these feelings crop up, they come up dam hard and strong.
When I written that post earlier today, I written and aired it on one of those dam hard days, to show my readers and to try and be honest when it comes to bad days.

Now the positives I do think of and remind myself of, when I have these difficult, or dam hard days. The following positives to coincide with previous post I shared. So you will need to read the previous, to get where I am coming from now.

I am just going to save

I am not going to think about my end goal. My dream. This is because it is slipping much further away. Its not going to happen in the next year and not going to happen in 2 years either. But I don’t know after that. I am just going to save and watch my savings grow. I won’t think of the dream, until I am there at that point of savings. I am not going to look at any goals set before. They are gone. I am just going to watch my balance.

I am only focusing on today

I am only focusing on today. Alot has been focusing on the future, from last December to now. Focusing on the future and the dream was really good for me, as it gave me an incentive to keep moving forward. But now that dream, is just a dream, so I can’t focus on this now.
I have to focus on present. I have not given up on my dream. But I have to stop focusing on something that isn’t going to happen in the next 2 years, or more. It’s not having a positive effect on me anymore, because I feel stuck. Feeling stuck, while everything else that is going on, makes me feel worse.

Focusing on today, is all I can do, to make things easier.

I’m halfway there

I have the job I always wanted to work for, even if its getting tiring and draining.

I have my morning job, the additional job to help me get by, money wise and to be comfortable.

Both are good employers, I remind myself.

I just want that house!

I am valued by both, regardless of the company that has no respects of communual toilets it shares and those who use it, or clean it.
How they leave the toilets shows what they are like. Not me.

Where I live may be looking more longer than planned. But I am going to have to get used to it. I can’t afford to move renting wise and mentally, I couldn’t tackle another upheaval.

I have to remember the views I fell for.
The connections I have with some of my neighbours since. Something I feel is rare to find.
Also, they are happy knowing I ain’t going anywhere anytime soon.

I shall keep doing, what I am doing; the chats outside with these two neighbours. The cuppa with one of them, at mine.

Focus on enjoyable things

I have my hamster. But I don’t plan to have anymore after him, or any other pet while living here. The flat is too hot for that.

Enjoy my dvd’s.

Enjoy company of neighbours, as mentioned.

Try and get back into old hobbies that have been pushed aside.
Maybe start a new one.

These are just some of the things I tell myself, at times like this, to keep going. 


© Elizabeth Fisher and My Wellbeing and Learning Journey.

Unauthorised use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to My Wellbeing and Learning Journey with appropriate and specific direction to the original content. But Guest Posts that feature on my blog are not allowed at all to be duplicated.

The day that comes when it’s time to leave this earth. I won’t fight it.

As much as I have looked forward to my future, I still feel the same.

What’s the point working for something hard, for it to slip through your fingers?

The idea of buying a house remains a dream. I am in no position to make it real next year. Without that dream being reality. The other I have of growing my own food, to save money, does not happen.
As much as I have changed my goals to make it more achievable, something comes to take it away.
And now after looking today, that dream slips further away, because now I need to save more than my original plan.

Do I just say fuck it and rent a house instead? I don’t want to be in this flat longer than a year, let alone 2 plus years? 

As much as I love my mum, I still feel the same that she should not have had me. And that is why I will never have children. I won’t pass on the same fucked life I have had. And it would have happened, had I already had a child. Just minus the dad part that I had.

Evening work is too much. Its tiring me and I don’t want to work there no more. I feel like the other cleaners now, who felt like that already when I first started. I feel dread in going.

And my morning job, the communal toilets I clean, there’s one lot of toilets that the way I find them, it’s being done deliberately. No respect for other businesses that have to use the toilets and it makes me feel low and worthless.

I think why bother?

Post that follows on from this:

The positives I think to try and outweigh the negatives


© Elizabeth Fisher and My Wellbeing and Learning Journey.

Unauthorised use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to My Wellbeing and Learning Journey with appropriate and specific direction to the original content. But Guest Posts that feature on my blog are not allowed at all to be duplicated.

My feelings – Part 10

I have received an email from Social Worker after visiting nursing home, seeing inventory and speaking to mum. I will put that in a separate post later, after further update, as investigation ongoing. Social Worker will next persue mental health ward next, so although I said I would contact police right now by today, to tomorrow afternoon, I am going to leave it with Social Worker to chase and see what happens after she has seen their inventory. In meantime, nursing home contacted the mental health ward over missing items and that ward will look for her missing items. But how well will the mental health ward look?

My feelings right now is I have been in tears. I feel a little low, after beating myself up wishing I took those items mum wanted me to take home to look after. But also, I would have took more than what mum wanted me to take. None of these items would have been missing. But it’s now late on that to beat myself up, I tell myself.
Plus I didn’t have the energy for me, let alone anyone else to challenge why certain items were in her bag and, not in a safe and why she was allowed to carry a photo frame with glass in, when I thought they would have either removed the glass, or just keep this picture frame that contained her certificate safely locked up. And I had my own mental issues too, being in a place I thought I would never be.

There were certain things I wanted to challenge that mental health ward, or do. But I didn’t and now I am trying not to beat myself up.


© Elizabeth Fisher and My Wellbeing and Learning Journey.

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My feelings – part 9

I feel a bit sad. But I feel strong.

How mum is, from being told via her Social Worker and advocate by email and then seeing her for myself recently, I seen what I expected. (More on that in Chit-chat July post, later this month.) But I am shocked by how mum’s mental health has deteriorated.

I am feeling relieved, knowing mum is in a safe place. Mum definitely needs 24 hour care, while she is, as she is.


© Elizabeth Fisher and My Wellbeing and Learning Journey.

Unauthorised use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to My Wellbeing and Learning Journey with appropriate and specific direction to the original content. But Guest Posts that feature on my blog are not allowed at all to be duplicated.

Happy to sad and back again

So without trying to go into much detail and make this post long. If you have been following for sometime, you will know it has been a very difficult time, for some time, with my mum and how it’s affected me during that course.

Part of the afternoon, (just 2 hours abouts) it was a whirlwind of emotions.
During that time a fair bit of communicating earlier in the day to after lunch in parts. I decided with communicating to my mum’s Social Worker about it, that I was going to take on responsibility of mum’s financial affairs. I wasn’t going to let the council do it because in the end I would have no say. But as Social Worker also mentioned, it wouldn’t have been personal, like it would if a family member took charge. So Social Worker is happy to hear I will take it on. So I will be applying for Court Of Protection.
Court Of Protection has to happen with there being no Power of Attorney and a Power Of Attorney can’t be done now, because mum doesn’t have the mental capacity.

Although I will get eventually reimbursed, due to this, the hoping of having a house deposit by middle of next year is not going to happen. I shall have to see what the year after brings, because I know from already reading about Court of Protection, that there is a fee each year. I don’t know if that would come out of mum’s, or mine. But I will learn as it happens.
The fee is higher the first year, because of the support you receive for the role. I may talk about that experience later, when the time comes. Or I may not. It’s starting to feel even more of a very personal journey. Not just for me. But mum too. So it more will likely be the part I won’t talk about here.

So the 2 hour window of emotions came on as soon as I knew I would take it on. I went from feeling good and happy, to sad. A quick headache appearing. Sadness turned to tears, for the reality biting more, that mum will never be as independent as I would like and the nursing home being only option where mum will be.

Mum’s Social Worker is supporting me where required. She advised how I could proceed, via two ways.
I could do it myself online, or if I find it difficult, then to use a solicitor, although extra costs would be involved.
I tried the link and looked at the forms and procedures, for where I could do it myself and it felt very daunting and I wasn’t feeling confident with it. So I enquired with two solicitors.
First one, after reading their email, regardless my savings would cover, my heart was sinking as I totalled the fees. Some of these fees could go up, or it was minus the VAT. I knew my dream home wouldn’t happen next year, because it was going to gobble most of my savings. (Although before all this, I wondered if it would happen anyway.) But now, it’s definitely not.
The second solicitor was more clearer than the first. There were no grey areas and would work out cheaper.
Still expensive. But cheaper and I was feeling very relaxed reading this email. So the happy face returned. So the second solicitor will get the job.
Yes, it may cost more this way than trying it myself. But it will be less stressful and I will feel reassured. I can concentrate on other things.

I was going to buy Christmas presents this year, for friends. But now, I think I have to give it a miss this year. So I hope you are reading this, so you are all aware. It saves me letting you know individually. So let’s just stick with Christmas cards again.
This is going to be a slow process. So I need to focus on this, instead of shopping for presents. I know you, my friends will understand.


© Elizabeth Fisher and My Wellbeing and Learning Journey.

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My feelings – Part 8

So it’s been about 4 months since my last, ‘my feelings’ post.
Part 7 was mainly my feelings brought on with the Coronavirus, due to things from that.
In this post there still is, but it doesn’t overtake like last post, because I’m working again in both jobs still, since back in them.
But as for the rest, some restrictions may have been lifted, but as you know if you are a regular reader, that I am in no hurry to go out there and join in.
I  continue to walk to and from work in both jobs and I shop at my local supermarket just down the road at most, twice a week. Nothing else, unless it’s important.
I think its too soon to go into my town centre and shop there. I have already seen, or experienced it myself where people don’t observe the 2 metre distance, so I ain’t going to join the crowd of shoppers (if there was in my area) for a shopping spree. I do this to protect others, to make sure I’m not going to be a carrier, because some person not observing social distancing, who is not in my circle, unsuspecting passed it onto me because they did not keep their distance. I had to politely tick someone off at the checkout of my local supermarket I was at, because she stood right behind me, instead of 2 metres. She moved back when I spoke. But it still wasn’t enough.

I have mentioned in brief in places as well as here, of going to my mum’s bungalow. I’ll be doing another trip this month. My anxiety was up in the roof going Friday. It didn’t help that I was expected to go with just less than 24 hours notice, to let in a council worker to do a service check of the boiler.
Regardless of the anxiety, it helped knowing my neighbour offered to help and take me.
I brought some things back while at it, that I hope to take to the nursing home one day. Just waiting on an email for that.
I also brought back her paperwork in folders that I planned to do, in addition to the mail that’s been piling up since November, when I was last there.
Amazingly, I sorted through that by the evening. But then with a system in place which I am so glad my mum has not got rid of again, since creating it again, helps.

Going through her paperwork regardless of anxiety, I realised I got my ‘business head’ on that I like to call it. It reminded me that this side of things I could do. But given the current situation with mum, which I have not shared with you fuly yet, I can’t do anything else, with not having access. But I won’t want to deal with everything when it comes to certain things anyway, I rather do this with someone else when this part has been sorted and someone is nominated, like the Social Worker mentioned one time on how things may go, if it happened.

I would like to transfer my mum’s mail to my address, but again, due to circumstances, I can’t do yet, until all this is sorted out.
Given the discussions this past week I’ve been having with mum’s Social Worker and her advocate, the long term solutions are being discussed, so the ball might be rolling, as they say.
I can see it will happen. Mum is not mentally well and from what I’ve been told, she’s declining further.
I am sad that this is what the future will be for my mum. But if nursing home is only the option, then where she is currently, I would like her to stay there, if mum is still not going to be able to communicate herself still. The nursing home is a suitable place for her needs and, it feels homely and theraputic.
When things have been decided officially, I will say more at some point later.


© Elizabeth Fisher and My Wellbeing and Learning Journey.

Unauthorised use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to My Wellbeing and Learning Journey with appropriate and specific direction to the original content. But Guest Posts that feature on my blog are not allowed at all to be duplicated.

Chit-chat June

Two cancellations; day trip to Oxford in August and check-up at dentist, in July. Both to be expected and both a relief. A relief because I don’t have to travel on bus to either of them. I had anxiety about the idea of it, regardless I now have face masks and would use.
I let my friend know, as soon as I knew regarding Oxford.
The coach company asked if I would like to cancel Oxford because they could see it probably wouldn’t be happening, while I was seeing what was happening regarding refund for Whitby that was cancelled last month and so I said yes. I quickly received refund for both and that’s now in my ISA.
As for dentist, it was cancelled to a later date in September, so priority could be given to emergencies and those needing to finish their treatment.
They also answered my other concerns I had regarding accessibility for me as a deaf person, after watching their video clip of what to expect when coming to the practise. The changes to protect both staff and customers, because of Coronavirus.
So I do hope that goes as discussed via an email with me.

This month, I have been reading this book.

Book cover of The Awakened by Julian Cheek.

The book is called, ‘The Awakened,’ by Julian Cheek. I picked just this one up from several books left on a table at work, with a note, ‘help yourself.’
The story I read on the back, grabbed me, because I could relate to the feelings of the character, having one time at a young age for a number of years, felt like that.

This book kept me engaged and I couldn’t wait to read more, to see what happened next.

Store loyalty cards

As you know not long ago, I shredded my Costa card, after receiving an email from them.

I have now decided to ditch another store card. This time Tesco Clubcard. Unlike Costa, they’ve done nothing wrong for me to decide on doing this. I have debated past year, or two on doing this and now I thought, I will. So an email went yesterday requesting that they close my account down and why; which was my decision to get rid of some store loyalty cards and this being one of them that I want to get rid.
Also with not having any plans to shop in Tesco while they do one thing that another store doesn’t do, that I can’t contend with and so avoiding the place ever since Coronavirus started, just adds to my decision of closing down my account.
I said that even if one day I start to shop again, or visit their cafe, I still don’t want to bother with a Tesco Clubcard.

I am thinking of ditching another card later. But thinking a little longer on that one before making any decision. But it’s nice to get rid of Costa and Tesco one.

Just some dvd’s I watched: (courtesy of my neighbour lending me theirs.) 

  • The Rocky Horror Show
  • Open Range
  • Ladies in Lavender
  • Family Guy Presents Blue Harvest
  • Stargate Atlantis
  • Master and Commander
  • Grease 1 and 2
  • Planes, Trains Automobiles
  • The Beatles Yellow Submarine (I don’t mind their music, but I’m not a fan of this cartoon.)
  • Mama Mia The Movie
  • Frances Mcdormand Fargo
  • Joseph and The Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat

Blogger, if WordPress does get rid of ‘classic editor’ in 2022, or later. 

I gave up Blogger, after having no joy.
I want to remind, as I mentioned before, that it wasn’t because of Blogger. It was me. The whole WordPress thing really put a damper on my mood and I wasn’t enjoying the process of moving some posts across for my story to continue.
I was in a frustrated, spit my dummy out kind of mood and feeling down about it.
The plan was to keep my name of my blog, when blogging there, hence some posts going across to Blogger.

But now, I have decided, should WordPress in 2022, or later, decide to get rid of their classic editor, leaving only block editor left, I will start afresh with a new blog, at Blogger. This will include also, a new name. So I will be brainstorming a new name, should I need one later. I have plenty of time to think about that one, should I end up leaving here. But I will have one part set up with Blogger before then, not visible until it is required.

Don’t forget, as I mentioned in past posts, I have a new blog email. It’s a neutral blog email name I have chosen, so regardless what I would call my new blog, this blog email would remain. You can find it on my about me page.
I still reckon the time will come when WordPress will do this, because the way they spoke on a forum, they are speaking in words that they will commit with this.
I hope classic editor remains to stay as a choice always, because I am not alone in this on why classic editor is best for me.

I have a post in draft that is for goodbyes, ready for if its needed in a few years. I hope I manage to put blog link on it, if post is needed.
Although this blog would eventually go if moving, I may keep WordPress account open for coming back to, so I can comment on blogs I currently follow. But I won’t be following any new ones at that point when not blogging here.

But as I say, this is if worst scenario that WordPress does this.

Work

It was back to normal working hours this month, in my evening job.
Even though I have seen changes made (while I was cleaning there at an earlier time,) to try and make our workplace safer, it still caused me anxiety and I still had same thoughts as the other ladies who were furloughed, as in, what am I going to walk into.

Also more work put onto us, but no extra time to do it in. There are also some things asked of us that are not achievable, so it has caused me stress, upset and frustration. I spoke with my manager after just over 2 weeks doing it my concerns and how it has affected me and I was given reassurances to these concerns, so I should be ok now.
I also raised my observations after my accident, wondering why the floor had not been taped, so someone else doesn’t trip on the tile I had acciddent on, until its sorted. They didn’t know about it until they heard it from me. So they checked to see it had been filed by person I reported it to, but it was filed under a different department. Their old department. So if I was to have an accident in the future that I report, to let them know also, so they know about it, to action it.

My hamster, Daz. 

This month was Daz’s birthday. He’s now one year old.

My phone

I have done a right one, that I have never done in all the years being a mobile phone owner.
As I quickly glanced at my phone before my shift started, the door propped open with a door stopper, decided to move and, slammed into my back. My phone slipped out of my hand and took a dive into a bucket of water.
Now my phone is supposedly water resistant when I read the description for my phone before buying at the time, but reading elsewhere, I read the oppsite when it comes to any phone and not just mine, that there is no such thing as a water resistant, or waterproof phone. Well it was still working after it happened, but I didn’t charge it when it was needed and left it till the next day. As a precaution, I bought a second hand phone as a back up, should this pack up later, because I have read what the damage water can do to a phone, over time. So although fine at the moment, at the time I written this post to publish later. It’s what might happen down the line.

My budget

Those that have been following some time will know my preferred way of paying my groceries is by cash. I find it easier to set my budget for each week this way, so I don’t spend more than I need. But because of some places only wanting you to pay by card, (which I have noticed since then, they have changed their signage to cash and card) and others if paying by cash then use self-checkouts, I ended up going the pay by card route.
I have been doing this the last 2 months, so early days I feel to give myself a chance to get used to paying by card, but because how muddled my brain feels towards end of last month and how I feel this month, I am going back to what I feel is easy for me. Paying my groceries by cash.
The first month out of two I tried by card I spent more than my budget. But it was expected that month and so no mistake on my part.
Last month, I felt I was a little more used to paying this way, but I still went over my budget. But only by a few pounds.
Whether I will go back to paying mainly by card for my groceries when I feel better with my mind, I don’t know. I am not ruling it out. But for now, I am sticking with cash, when it comes to my groceries. I have ended up getting used to self-checkouts. (Those that know me well, will know I hate them and I avoid them.) But I don’t hate them anymore and I don’t avoid, unless I choose to pay by card of course.
I know self-checkouts accept bank cards, but that’s where my nerves would start again. So will leave that for now.

Anxiety

As you know I suffer with anxiety and I have shared at the beginning of this post the anxiety for travelling. Most of the time it’s at acceptable levels. But as you know, when it creeps up, it goes up. Like the idea of travelling on public transport. I am avoiding so far.
Like everyone else, Coronavirus affected that, but I am also noticing how jumpy I am getting. (And I haven’t seen the odd horror film for a long time.)
I am assuming this is due to me being on high alert for some time now, that’s causing this.
Are you feeling extra jumpy too?


© Elizabeth Fisher and My Wellbeing and Learning Journey.

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