Hoping 2

Last time I written a post about hope, was just over a month ago and I hope again. I am feeling desperate after another work night and as I write this, I am trying to calm my anxiety down. I am upset, feeling nausea and I can feel a migraine coming on, so as soon as I air this, I am off to bed. I shall let my cat sleep with me, as I know she senses my upset. She was upset from what she picked up, but is happy on my lap as I write this now.

I am hoping I can get through the next 2 days at work, then it is a long weekend. A very long one, due to having my tooth out next week.

I am hoping to get through tomorrow morning, when I visit someone who would like a small favour. Then I am hoping I get through my shift, later that day, and the next day, as already mentioned.
I would like to phone in sick, but this would be awkward to do, I think on so many levels. Not me. Them.

I am hoping I can be myself on Friday, because I have a job interview.
I am thankful I have this interview alone, but I am hoping (and desperate for this job.) My mum says to try to not get my hopes up, but I can’t help it and I am desperate. I really need this break. If I am unlucky to get this job, I would apply again if it ever came up. I would not give up. But I am hoping I will get this. I don’t know what I would do if I did not.

That’s my hoping for now.

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Self-destruct: sugar

For a few weeks and more so in last two weeks, I have been on self-destruct eating more sweet stuff than normal. I even went out and bought it, which is how bad I was feeling.
I was feeling low and at times depressed with the idea I still have this same job and not anywhere else. Some mornings I just did not want to get up because I was that tired, but I had to, with what was happening that day ahead. Eating sweet things have been done in secret, until I mentioned here and recently to a friend because of saying why I refused to accept a sweet she offered because I thought I had enough sweet stuff today.
I wasn’t eating what I would usually allow myself as part of my new healthy eating, I went in overdrive. I won’t go into detail of some of the amount, because I find it embarrassing and I feel I have let myself down. I have even done where after I have felt bad eating what I have done, I noticed I was eating a bit more for that emotion. So if I don’t watch, I will go on a vicious new circle here, which I have not done before.
My friend who I tried to explain to, why I was not accepting a sweet, (which I accepted later in the night after further offers to have one) said, “there was more fat on a bone.” But like you my readers, she does not know the secret quantity I ate. But also, she herself is now enjoying food more since she quit smoking and has admittedly said she can’t stop. But she is not bothered, as she said she needed to put the weight on. (Which she looks better for.) The difference is, I don’t want to be going back to putting more weight on. I was happy at 11 stone which I last weighed many months ago and even though I wanted to go to 10.5 stone, I wasn’t to concerned with maintaining 11 stone at one time. But now I am over 11.5 stone.
She may not know the full details, but I would have thought there would have been an understanding before in how I felt and why I said no thanks to offerings of sweets.
Also when I have said where I have put the weight on how I feel and she says I haven’t when the jacket I wear is starting to look tighter than it was and I can’t layer winter things under it as it will be tighter looking, or wear my fleece jacket with it, like I originally could.
My favourite red winter coat that she knew about (at the beginning of this year I think it happened, otherwise it was end of last year,) the stitches ripped completely halfway around, under the arm of one coat when I went to reach for the seat belt. Even though I could zip it up, I was aware of that difference and then that happened.

I know I am responsible for what I put in my own mouth and that by accepting this friends offering of sweets, it’s my own doing. But it makes it hard. But I am determined that I don’t want to be buying a new coat in a size up.
I may not be fully happy in life, but when I lost that weight, I was happier with my body at that point. When you are not confident and you end up hating your body, it can be a vicious circle and I don’t want to go back there.

Sweet things that were sickly sweet for me before, I have found they are not, so I know I will have to go back to my 10-day sugar challenge again, to kick off this sweet tooth I now have. It’s a wonder I have not been sick on a couple of occasions.

I know also that I have to motivate myself into exercise. Regular readers will know I sold my exercise bike after I wanted my living room to look like a room again and with giving up the TV, I knew I would never get on the bike again. But I like Zumba and I have a Zumba DVD, I need to get motivated and get that DVD playing and get off my arse and do it, for an hour at least once a week, but preferably twice a week.

I need to remember how good I felt when I achieved what I achieved before and for the health reasons I did this. I need to remember when I choose food as emotional eating, that I am not treating myself right and I need to make sure I practise self-care.

To say how I have felt with my moods, I have been able to motivate myself with study, which I am surprised about. But then, it could be my get out card and do something different with my future.

That’s my rant out of my system towards myself. Now I need to kick my butt!

For new readers who have not read about my healthy eating originally, then links to the related posts are below:

 

Do I sound confused, not settled, or just full of options?

I am not happy at times and I can get frustrated, wanting a ‘get out card’ option to be in another job that I enjoy again and where I feel appreciated. It’s clear to me I don’t want to be where I am no more and I have never felt so sure, but I am not in a situation where I can just hand in my notice while I have no other job to go into.

I still have that mind frame where I just want to start afresh; to live in a new area. This gets more stronger when I feel low or depressed.
So if I was to be in a job I felt worthy of, would I still want to get out of the area completely?
I can’t completely answer this, other than if I was not in a job I felt that sucked out my self-esteem, my confidence, my energy and, where I don’t feel me and instead in a job where I felt valued, I know I would feel a completely different person and I would be happier. I know that I would feel that I had more of a balanced life; work I love, my alone time and around friends who I enjoy their company of. But whether that feeling of getting out of Nottinghamshire was still there, I am not sure.
If I could choose where I wanted to live exactly, Brighton comes to mind every time. But this seems an impossible task to achieve currently, because living there seems expensive, but also, how do you move so far away when you need a home. But to get a home, you need a job and vice versa.
The other area where I nearly moved to once, as you know, was Derby, after applying for a job. (But I had no luck with.) This area still stands. There is also another area I like, in Notts, but I am not willing to share with anyone yet what that one is. But it wouldn’t be far away.

I have shared with you in the past my feelings in different situations like work, the feeling of getting out. Also, new plans I hope to do that I felt set with and still do, but then I look again at the other options on top.

Do I come across to my readers as confused, not settled, or just full of options?

Which ever route I take, it is not going to happen quickly as I like and this frustrates me and it can make me feel low and depressed. I know I also feel unsettled and I wish I could permanently shake this off until I am somewhere I feel valued and playing my part.

Rewiring my brain to stay positive after my disappointing blow

After this post; Another disappointing blow which I shared my disappointment with you of not getting the job, I have since tried to keep a positive mind. Keeping a positive mind and going to a workplace I find where my self-esteem is challenged because of what has happened in the past and also this year is very tiring. Some days I just don’t want to get up and my anxiety can kick in some way. It’s hard work when you don’t feel appreciated and just don’t have a clue with your own department no more, which has led me to have no faith or trust because of what has happened,past and present. It has been soul-destroying at times and I had to take antidepressants, as well as counselling to help with this and past childhood issues that came out.

So what am I doing to try and keep this positive mind?

  • As SummerSHINES mentioned in the above post in my comments, see the job as temporary. This is something I have heard before while having difficult moments and it does help.
  • If I want, or need extra hours, then I am going to see this as temporary also. But also I have control in where I would like to clean, by picking of a list that takes my fancy. So I could pick an area where I know it will only be me cleaning it, if I wanted.
  • Try to make sure I continue to practice self-care.
  • Continue with my current studies and enjoy the moment and experience.
  • Continue to enjoy the experience of my driving lessons and look forward to what the future can bring with this.
  • Continue to do things that will take me outside my comfort zone, when I can.

Another disappointing blow

I had to post this morning, to get it off my chest what I am currently feeling this morning, after just seeing a particular email.
You will remember via this post; Recent thoughts, I applied for a full-time cleaning job in Derby. I was not successful and so a disappointing blow once more, as this one was really a big deal for me and I could see lots of positive changes to come. I don’t want to be where I currently work and I have wanted to get out for a good few years, but yet I still feel I am going to be stuck here. If I am not successful in something I am skilled at elsewhere, then what chance do I have if I choose a completely different path?
As you know, I am having same access issues as every other year, which is currently being dealt with by the same person who dealt with it last year. Another person in the trust is now getting involved, along with her. I seen her last night and so we spoke some more, along with my colleague who she also knows. She told me it will take time, but we will deal with this, along with other issues I also mentioned and come up with something. I do have faith in her, but as I have said to her, I don’t have any faith or trust in my own department, hence I no longer want to be there. Knowing there isn’t going to be an opportunity again, for some time like the one I applied for recently and nothing else of a different nature in the pipeline anytime soon, I can only wish for a miracle, but going to work tonight is going to be very hard. I do not feel me whenever I walk in my own department, as I have the dread, anxiety creeping and low-self esteem and depression.
As I have already mentioned, I have no faith or trust with my department anymore. These feeling are valid and I have proof for those reasons which I cannot disclose here for confidentiality reasons.

When I feel low and when I find I am still stuck where I am, I wonder if I am just expired and no place anywhere.

The power and necessity of self expression in healing trauma — Emerging From The Dark Night

A well-written post that caught my eye this morning, that I would like to share with my readers. Please visit “Emerging From The Dark Night,” to read all of this post.

I woke late this morning to hear the tail end of a very powerful interview with an aboriginal writer and artist. Rhonda Collard Spratt who has recently written a book on the trauma of being one of the stolen generation, those precious young children who were forceably removed from family and community ‘for their own good’ by […]

via The power and necessity of self expression in healing trauma — Emerging From The Dark Night

Why I am back early from my blogging break

I have enjoyed my blogging break, but I have also partly missed it. While way, I have had a lot of ‘me time,’ just doing what I want to do, on my own. I have also enjoyed spending time with a couple of family members on days I have seen them.

I have some stressful times as you know, and while I have been away from blogging I have had some ups and downs. But most of these have been ups, as I shared in my first post back from my blogging break.
I have dealt with these ups and downs in ways that are suitable for me, to get it out of my system, which two of them being doodles and sharpie drawings.

I came back earlier to blogging than planned because I wanted a distraction from earlier that day. For two hours, I had to talk a lot about negative stuff with someone from Welfare Rights who was helping me with my PIP application. Like many others who are or were on DLA originally, regardless if you had it for life, we all have to go onto PIP. But if you want it, you have to apply for it. Luckily the person who is helping me with my PIP is the same person who helped me with my DLA. But regardless I am having help with filling it in, it does not make the process any easier.
Talking about all the negativity of your disability, so it is filled in properly on the form to get across to them looking at it on how your disability affects you is hard work. I cried at one point while talking about the negative effects of my hearing loss, saying how easier just being on my own can be, so I can just be me and take my hearing aids out.  Comparing to before when I applied for DLA and now for the PIP, there is a lot more down on paper. I was there for two hours. To say the PIP form is thinner than the DLA form I remember, there is still a lot of writing had to go into it.

Originally my DLA was just for my hearing loss, (although other things were mentioned, but not important then.) Now I have to talk about my depression and anxiety.

Although I left the place where I met up with Welfare Rights person better than during my session, I did start to feel tearful again while eating lunch in town. A place where I was going to have originally lunch in was very busy, so I went to another cafe very near by. I felt a little edgy where I choose to sit, with the cafe being in the centre of the shopping centre and choosing to sit on a seat around the edge. I should have really sat somewhere more in the middle, then I may have felt less edgy.
Before going home, I thought I’d pop into HMV and buy a couple of CD’s to hopefully cheer me up a bit. I bought Ed Sheeran, ‘Divide’ and Anastacia, ‘Ultimate Collection.’
It took towards the evening though, when I was working with my colleague, before my mood picked up much better.