It’s not all rainbows and fairies. But it’s what you make of it.

This is something I feel I need to get off my chest and, as I have a majority of supporting and understanding bloggers, because you have been there yourself, I know you will understand. But it doesn’t mean this post came easy, because I have wanted to write this for a month, but held myself back. But now my red mist has visited me a couple of times and my past couple of posts reflecting this partly. I will let it out. Or as I say, ‘rip.’

Ever since I found my mum that day after her OD, my stress levels have not come completely down, because I have and still worried about my mum. And this red mist that has shown out of the blue, in the comfort of my own home, away from prying eyes and recently only showing it partly on my blog, I have been trying until I can’t contain it no longer. All because I did not want to show this unhappy side of me. I feel because I have shown the red mist because of making it all happy and smiley and saying I’m fine, when I have not always been, giving that fake smile, now shameful because I shown the red mist here.

It’s not all smilies, rainbows and fairies. No one can be 100% happy under life stresses. I have done well finding positives out of my life stresses, which I will try and remember everyone of those these past few months here I made, at the end of the post list them.

I have felt partly pressured here to keep it all happy until I couldn’t any longer and I feel I may be judged by one, or two, who are not me and can’t be 100% fucking happy.

I am trying my best and my best is good enough and at a point I really share my feelings now, because I cannot keep quiet any longer, I will also let this shame go with that I have been carrying and not allow anyone to shame me either!

I think I have done well this year considering what has happened and the pressures I am still under

Regardless I am showing this, I won’t be shamed by anyone, because underneath, I have still found positives to my negatives. I just did not find these instant, because the red mist paid a visit. But I found these positive alternatives 10 minutes, give, or take, after!

Also, this year, since that day with my mum, I have been very forgetful. I have been frustrated with this, but also bloody dizzy at times trying to get my head together, remembering.

So this year, the positives I can remember I found from the negatives:

  • My mum being alive
  • Mum’s situation bringing us together, to where one day be living together.
  • From mum choosing to live with me has now gave me an increased chance of being in a council property, than I would have had on my own.
  • For mum’s situation to move us further up than before, on the banding list.
  • Instagram may have disabled my account but I thought fuck em. I have now created a visual folder on my phone to look at when needed.
  • My to do lists are very important in my daily life, now I am forgetful as I am. It works in addition to my diary as it’s more a visual thing.
  • I have created a “vitality wheel” for myself. It’s a new visual self-care thing for me. I will talk about this later.
  • Walking is my go thing. I may never have got round to running, but walking has never failed. It helps me to feel good.
  • Certain scents I am using for comfort in these last couple of months, to keep my mood positive.

 

The atmosphere

The atmosphere at work seems to be there still and again, at end of shift, someone does not seem to have their sense of humour, so she snapped and left me feeling upset. Not that she probably noticed, as I kept quiet after that and left her to it still muttering, while I watched, before leaving the room. (Before, on  another occasion, it was me that snapped, because I was sick of being dragged into the other thing that has caused this atmosphere, that I cannot go into.) Along with how I am feeling as a HSP and also the sensitivity to sounds I am having at the moment, that did not also help.

As I mentioned in comments on another post, that something went off at work causing now what is an atmosphere. As a HSP, I struggled with this and I talked in earlier posts how I craved my week off for quietness, which I had.
Also prior to my week off and coming back, I decided to take myself away from it by sitting somewhere else, till time for work. If I did not do this, I made sure that I arrived at work enough to put my tabard on and my safety shoes, so that by the time I’d done that, it wouldn’t be long before time to start. Doing this, helped me to not pick up all this atmosphere, which I felt closely I would feel the need to be off work sick otherwise, if I didn’t.

Slowly, the past week, I have been rejoining. But I can tell it’s still there and after tonight, I am upset. But I am reminding myself that she is upset for whatever her own personal reasons, whether be it work issues, or what started the atmosphere as a whole for all of us and that I am sensitive to all this, down to me being HSP.
I remind myself as I am at home tonight feeling upset, that this will pass. That I love my job and it’s just the atmosphere that is spoiling it.
But next week and onwards, I plan to be there just to work and only speak when it’s to do with work. If I am earlier than expected, I will go back to sitting by myself, only speaking to certain colleagues individually during shift, in passing. I don’t want to be dragged into this atmosphere. I have had enough. I am there for work, nothing else.

I don’t seem with it

The last few weeks have been mentally and physically draining. You will have probably picked that up in my posts as you read them, even when I did not say it.

I talked about how I was so Craving quietness.
I was craving it badly that final week at work and after a week off, for the first time ever, I did not want to go back. Now I love work still, so don’t get me wrong. At work that has been a little trouble going on, which I cannot go into and I won’ go into detail. It’s not directly at me and it’s not my employer causing it. But what has been going off, has affected the atmosphere due to this incident. It wasn’t quiet at work and the tension in the atmosphere was high and there still is tension. I dreaded going back after the quiet week I craved and my mood was very dark Monday. My mood is a little better but not much.

As I have been learning and as I mentioned here, I am a ‘Highly Sensitive Person’ (HSP) I discovered. With how I have been the last few weeks with the slight difficulty in the moving process, the tiredness both physically and mentally, I am really picking this up at work and it is affecting me. Yesterday, I found I was struggling walking at times, feeling like my legs were going to go from under me. My muscles not wanting to hold me up. This is one of the effects of stress. Not had this for a long time, to that extent and I am hoping my body does not do more of this.

Today, I am a little tearful, after calling into my bank and I have decided to call into a cafe before going home for a drink and then I will be sitting down with my bank details, checking where I went wrong and correcting my workings. I called into the bank because I noticed my standing order for my rent was returned. Looking at my balance, it looked like there was sufficient funds and I was fuming that it had been returned. After the bank looked into it, it turned out a payment elsewhere I made was put first (which that’s fine) and standing order returned, as there would have been insufficient funds. Thankfully no charges. I am usually very good when it comes to my own money, making sure I have sufficient funds and I thought I had made a note of this in my folder, so when I am home, I will be seeing if I did make a note of this other payment or not. And then I will be just having my quiet. I thought I was with it now, but obviously not.

My mood is not also helping with my sensitivity to sound I am having. I have finally got round to emailing my audiologist yesterday, so hopefully, I will hear of an appointment soon with a particular audiologist.

Are you a Highly Sensitive Person?

As I talked about in Chit-chat October, I knew that I was a sensitive person, but as being a ‘Highly Sensitive Person’ (HSP) was new to me. I looked up further about HSP, after a reader commented how she was a HSP and wondered if I was. I googled the film/documentary she mentioned and then I visited another website on the topic. I could see from further reading of both the website and book I have bought, “The Highly Sensitive Person,” by Elaine N. Aron, Ph. D, that I am a HSP. I continue to work through this book, as said in Chit chat October, so I’m sure I will discuss things I am learning, in future posts here. There are some things I either remember, or remembering, which I am processing and I now look at differently, for the better. As some of my memories are from childhood, I may at times have to practice extra self-care. But I am fine as I do this, because I have the tools to do it, learnt from therapy, as well as additional I learnt, that worked for me.

I will leave you with website link I visited and read more on this topic.

https://hsperson.com

 

Are you a Highly Sensitive Person?

Life is a rollercoaster

I’m sure like me, you have heard the phrase “life is like a rollercoaster.” This past year, I feel I can use this phrase. Lots of things have happened, that have been good and bad. I have had to give myself extra self-care more than normal, which for a while has been on a daily basis. After my emotional week recently, that I talked about in this post; “Feeling emotional,” I have had to make sure I do keep giving myself self-care, appropriate for the situation.
Some self-care I have been doing is spending lots of time at the library this week. This will continue into next week on free days I will have, prior to work. I am out of internet as well, until the 4th October, so I am taking advantage of their WiFi too.
Some days have been colouring, or doodling, as I recently shared in a post.
At work, before work starts, I sit in a place away from others on odd days, for some quiet.

Anxiety has creeped in the last couple of days, but I feel I have it under control with slow deep breaths, touching things that help me relax and drinking tea, or hot chocolate.

This morning, while at the library, I chose to quickly flick through a book that caught my eye. The book was called, “Courage, 50 Mindfulness and Relaxation Exercises to Improve Your Confidence,” by Dr. Arlene K. Unger. Flicking through the book I see I am either doing some of these things already, or something I plan to do next.
But there was one thing that caught my eye in particular. I thought I would share it here with you, because I know there are readers like me that write either on their blog, or in a journal what they are grateful for the day and I thought you might be interested. I see it as something we could all give a go at, whether you practice gratitude, or not.
Would you like a challenge? Then keep reading.

This excerpt is from page 71, of the book:

“Write the alphabet on a sheet of paper. For each letter, challenge yourself to come up with something to be grateful for. (When you get to X and Z, just find something that contains those letters rather than words that start with them.)”

So are you going to have a go, with this challenge?

If you do, then when you have a go, either write yours for in a comment in this post.
Or if you are going to write this challenge up on your own blog, then tag this actual post.
Please , if you do tag me, that you make sure you tag using this post and not the whole of my blog, because that way I won’t miss your post. (Realistically, I shouldn’t.) Past challenges where I have found people to have joined in have not tagged me this way and I only happened to have spotted that they had joined in because I was scrolling in my reader far enough. I could have so easily missed.

I will share mine, once I have done it, in a separate post.

Feeling emotional

For the last few days on and off, I have been feeling emotional. Last night, it came in a big wave and I got up this morning when I woke up, so it meant I lied in bed longer than usual, this morning.
This morning I still feel tearful and not good, but I have come out to the library to use their WiFi and for distraction.
It will be a year on 14th October since losing my cousin; Sandra and her husband; Michael, to a careless driver. I have a post that will air that afternoon, that I have written just a couple of days ago.
It doesn’t seem a year that they will be gone, but then it had been dragged on from last year with everyone looking into this, followed by court this year.

I did not think I would expect a big wave of emotions like this again, but with happy memories of Miley my cat I was thinking of, that departed from this world in March, along with moving at some point in October, I suppose it was to happen.

This year has been a mixture of highs and lows for me and the year has just flew by more than any other. I have had a lot to take in this year, but as my afternoon post will express, on the 14th October, I have a lot to look forward to when I move. I am also positive on the year ahead to come.

The time I especially felt valued and loved

As much as my childhood being hard, I knew mum loved me, even if I don’t remember much hugs from her. But I knew she cared and worried. (Mum still worries now.)
But the time I especially felt valued and loved, was starting from my 30’s, when I moved out for the second time, to live on my own. This was when the hugs just came out of nowhere. It shocked me at first, as I wondered what was going off, seeing a side of my mum I had not seen before. But I did not shun the hugs. Now, it just seems natural for us both, to hug.
Every time we meet up, when it comes to departing our separate ways, we hug as well as saying I love you. With every hug, I see mum’s face beaming and her eyes sparkling, along with her smile.

Mum’s hugs extend also to my friends, when she sees them. They get the same hug as me. 😊

I hope as it looks to me, that it feels natural for my mum, when she hugs.