Thoughts and feelings

Thoughts and feelings I have been feeling very recently, these past few weeks.

Court and ex 😦

As court case gets nearer for the death of my cousin and her husband, the thoughts of the pedo ex not having anything to do with the case, has been popping into my head this week. 😦 I guess this is because of when I originally discovered the awful truth about him, when it was just days from their funeral is why I am having this trigger.

Council properties

I have decided when it comes to bidding for council properties, I am going to start bidding on studio properties. This is because I could have more of a chance hopefully in getting a property with the council, but also, I have been thinking quite a lot about studio flats since I once shown interest in a private one.
I shall still apply for flats, but will now include studio.
I cannot guarantee that waiting and hoping for the right flat, that I could be happy there, given by past experiences, which those who have followed me from a previous blog I used to write, will know what trouble I had there and the effects it had on my health. So I see council temporary, as I hope to save a large deposit, to one day owning my own property, unless of course it turns out to be a much better experience and I am happy to stay there.
As I can only bid on two council properties per week, if this means two studio flats crop up, but I say for example like two flats going on offer as well, I will place my bids on the studio ones.
If I ever find I am in one, I will look forward to the challenge of studio living, which over the past week I have learnt some good tips to survive in one. I am personally looking forward to the challenge, if I happen to be in one.

Blog links

Some comments have turned up in the spam box I see today, that should not have been there. One commenter has left their blog link in the actual comment, even though I make it known on my blog that this practice is not welcomed, unless of course you have something to share to an actual post of yours that is related to what I talk about in mine, then I ignore the rule.
As I do before airing comments, I have removed the link before airing. This blogger has been now told directly in the blog post concerned, for a polite request not to do this. I hope this will in future be respected, as I do when I visit this persons blog, as I do anyone’s blog. I did not like doing this, but after blogging about this on a couple of occasions, I felt I had to raise it. Not that I feel any better about it.
As we know when we leave comments on each others blogs, on the comment form there is a place you can add your blog link, so there is no need to to add it again in the comment box, unless of course the blog post in question at times says so, or where I ignore the rule and allow because something you shared related to my blog post, that related to the same topic on yours.
Thank you to the many readers I have, that have respected this.

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How I feel

Because of my recent posts where I have possibly been vague and short to the point, which is not my usual writing style, due to watching what I actually say, I know I will have a few concerned readers. I thank you for your concerns, but I will be ok, just a few emotions have been stirred up and I am using what helps to ease my anxiety, like walks out, or colouring. I am just watchful what I say about all this now, as I do want to protect my family. So I have been thinking about how I could write to reassure you, while avoiding details about the court case to come. So this is that post.

It’s been a long wait as you know, for this to come. I have never been angry about the person who killed my two beloved family members, but I do want to see justice served.
Having anger will hurt yourself more in the long run, than anyone else and my mum is experiencing this anger, since the day we learnt of their deaths.
I was distraught when I found out about their deaths, the day after it happened via the online, local newspaper and I will never forget that day I found out this way. It felt like I was in a nightmare and at times it still does, knowing I won’t see them again.
Emotions are now stirred again; feeling tearful and anxiety.

I want to attend this court hearing, to see the person who killed them. I want to see his face and watch him, to see if he looks and feels remorseful.
He is a very young man, who only passed his test three weeks prior to that fatal day.
I hope that by being in court, I will get further answers to that day, but I know it won’t be nice hearing and I shall spare those details here. But the paramedic who was first on scene, it affected him. That is how bad this accident was and this is why I want justice served.
I already know how hurt my cousin was and it shocked me to the core. I felt the colour drain from my face, as I heard this from a friend, which I think was about a week or so later, after the accident. She stopped mid way as she was just going to say how my cousin’s husband was hurt. I don’t think she realised what she was doing and my face probably said it all, hence I did not hear the rest. So I guess I will and I am prepared the best I can be, should I hear this in court. Or can you ever prepare yourself for something like this?

I know my mum is interested in attending court. But she does not know these awful details, other than it was bad and so I don’t want her to attend, because I would be concerned how it would affect her. Mum does not use any coping strategies, as you know and her mental health can be much worser than mine, given her past history. But how she is now, the last few years, even more so, I would feel uncomfortable about her attending, which would spark my anxiety more. So I hope she will stay at home and say no more about it.

Three families are affected since that fatal day; Us, who lost two family members at the same time. The family on my cousin’s husband side, as well as knowing my cousin too. So double-effect for them too, like us. And the family that are related to this young man who killed them.
Our lives will never be the same again.

The speed limit needs to be 30 mph

My cousin and her husband were hit on a road not far from where they lived. A road where a speed limit needs to be brought way down and the local people have campaigned for this speed limit to be brought down, for years. They are still currently campaigning, with petitions already long ago sent in, after their deaths. They would like to see it 30 mph all the way through and I totally agree with them, along with other measures they are after.
I hope the people who receive these petitions and the campaign from these locals finally listen to them and change the speed limit. That road is awful and when you are on a pavement and a car goes speeding by, you are still at risk, because you feel the drag of that car passing you by, pulling you into the road. I know, I have walked this road many times from my teens, to an adult and I have had some scary experiences.
If the people who receive these petitions and campaign still don’t listen and act, then this is where I will be angry. Their deaths should not have happened and I, like the locals there, do not want to see anymore killed on that road.

 

Thank you once again, for your concerns and support. x

Empathy in the work place

Compared to my old place that had no empathy, other than when they had to follow procedures when you were off sick from work, my new work place has empathy.

I have been feeling emotional, as I find the court case is finally coming around, for the death of my cousin and her husband. I have tried to keep this outside of work, but because I called into the courts one occasion prior to work, to find out some information, it meant I wasn’t my usual happy self and I had a little anxiety.

It’s lovely to know I have he support from the lady who is in charge of us, should I need it. One being time off work, if I certainly heard this right, but I do know that being at work is the right thing for me. But I do have an annual leave I put in, for the hearing.

This is all I will reveal here, on my blog about the latest development that has finally come around. I am not going to reveal how I feel, or how my mum feels and why I feel I need to attend the court hearing and nothing more will be said in any future pots either. This is out of respect for all family concerned and to keep everything private. (Hence this post will be closed for comments.)

For those new to my blog this year, this is the post where you will find my “Double Heartbreak.”

Hoping 2

Last time I written a post about hope, was just over a month ago and I hope again. I am feeling desperate after another work night and as I write this, I am trying to calm my anxiety down. I am upset, feeling nausea and I can feel a migraine coming on, so as soon as I air this, I am off to bed. I shall let my cat sleep with me, as I know she senses my upset. She was upset from what she picked up, but is happy on my lap as I write this now.

I am hoping I can get through the next 2 days at work, then it is a long weekend. A very long one, due to having my tooth out next week.

I am hoping to get through tomorrow morning, when I visit someone who would like a small favour. Then I am hoping I get through my shift, later that day, and the next day, as already mentioned.
I would like to phone in sick, but this would be awkward to do, I think on so many levels. Not me. Them.

I am hoping I can be myself on Friday, because I have a job interview.
I am thankful I have this interview alone, but I am hoping (and desperate for this job.) My mum says to try to not get my hopes up, but I can’t help it and I am desperate. I really need this break. If I am unlucky to get this job, I would apply again if it ever came up. I would not give up. But I am hoping I will get this. I don’t know what I would do if I did not.

That’s my hoping for now.

Self-destruct: sugar

For a few weeks and more so in last two weeks, I have been on self-destruct eating more sweet stuff than normal. I even went out and bought it, which is how bad I was feeling.
I was feeling low and at times depressed with the idea I still have this same job and not anywhere else. Some mornings I just did not want to get up because I was that tired, but I had to, with what was happening that day ahead. Eating sweet things have been done in secret, until I mentioned here and recently to a friend because of saying why I refused to accept a sweet she offered because I thought I had enough sweet stuff today.
I wasn’t eating what I would usually allow myself as part of my new healthy eating, I went in overdrive. I won’t go into detail of some of the amount, because I find it embarrassing and I feel I have let myself down. I have even done where after I have felt bad eating what I have done, I noticed I was eating a bit more for that emotion. So if I don’t watch, I will go on a vicious new circle here, which I have not done before.
My friend who I tried to explain to, why I was not accepting a sweet, (which I accepted later in the night after further offers to have one) said, “there was more fat on a bone.” But like you my readers, she does not know the secret quantity I ate. But also, she herself is now enjoying food more since she quit smoking and has admittedly said she can’t stop. But she is not bothered, as she said she needed to put the weight on. (Which she looks better for.) The difference is, I don’t want to be going back to putting more weight on. I was happy at 11 stone which I last weighed many months ago and even though I wanted to go to 10.5 stone, I wasn’t to concerned with maintaining 11 stone at one time. But now I am over 11.5 stone.
She may not know the full details, but I would have thought there would have been an understanding before in how I felt and why I said no thanks to offerings of sweets.
Also when I have said where I have put the weight on how I feel and she says I haven’t when the jacket I wear is starting to look tighter than it was and I can’t layer winter things under it as it will be tighter looking, or wear my fleece jacket with it, like I originally could.
My favourite red winter coat that she knew about (at the beginning of this year I think it happened, otherwise it was end of last year,) the stitches ripped completely halfway around, under the arm of one coat when I went to reach for the seat belt. Even though I could zip it up, I was aware of that difference and then that happened.

I know I am responsible for what I put in my own mouth and that by accepting this friends offering of sweets, it’s my own doing. But it makes it hard. But I am determined that I don’t want to be buying a new coat in a size up.
I may not be fully happy in life, but when I lost that weight, I was happier with my body at that point. When you are not confident and you end up hating your body, it can be a vicious circle and I don’t want to go back there.

Sweet things that were sickly sweet for me before, I have found they are not, so I know I will have to go back to my 10-day sugar challenge again, to kick off this sweet tooth I now have. It’s a wonder I have not been sick on a couple of occasions.

I know also that I have to motivate myself into exercise. Regular readers will know I sold my exercise bike after I wanted my living room to look like a room again and with giving up the TV, I knew I would never get on the bike again. But I like Zumba and I have a Zumba DVD, I need to get motivated and get that DVD playing and get off my arse and do it, for an hour at least once a week, but preferably twice a week.

I need to remember how good I felt when I achieved what I achieved before and for the health reasons I did this. I need to remember when I choose food as emotional eating, that I am not treating myself right and I need to make sure I practise self-care.

To say how I have felt with my moods, I have been able to motivate myself with study, which I am surprised about. But then, it could be my get out card and do something different with my future.

That’s my rant out of my system towards myself. Now I need to kick my butt!

For new readers who have not read about my healthy eating originally, then links to the related posts are below:

 

Do I sound confused, not settled, or just full of options?

I am not happy at times and I can get frustrated, wanting a ‘get out card’ option to be in another job that I enjoy again and where I feel appreciated. It’s clear to me I don’t want to be where I am no more and I have never felt so sure, but I am not in a situation where I can just hand in my notice while I have no other job to go into.

I still have that mind frame where I just want to start afresh; to live in a new area. This gets more stronger when I feel low or depressed.
So if I was to be in a job I felt worthy of, would I still want to get out of the area completely?
I can’t completely answer this, other than if I was not in a job I felt that sucked out my self-esteem, my confidence, my energy and, where I don’t feel me and instead in a job where I felt valued, I know I would feel a completely different person and I would be happier. I know that I would feel that I had more of a balanced life; work I love, my alone time and around friends who I enjoy their company of. But whether that feeling of getting out of Nottinghamshire was still there, I am not sure.
If I could choose where I wanted to live exactly, Brighton comes to mind every time. But this seems an impossible task to achieve currently, because living there seems expensive, but also, how do you move so far away when you need a home. But to get a home, you need a job and vice versa.
The other area where I nearly moved to once, as you know, was Derby, after applying for a job. (But I had no luck with.) This area still stands. There is also another area I like, in Notts, but I am not willing to share with anyone yet what that one is. But it wouldn’t be far away.

I have shared with you in the past my feelings in different situations like work, the feeling of getting out. Also, new plans I hope to do that I felt set with and still do, but then I look again at the other options on top.

Do I come across to my readers as confused, not settled, or just full of options?

Which ever route I take, it is not going to happen quickly as I like and this frustrates me and it can make me feel low and depressed. I know I also feel unsettled and I wish I could permanently shake this off until I am somewhere I feel valued and playing my part.

Rewiring my brain to stay positive after my disappointing blow

After this post; Another disappointing blow which I shared my disappointment with you of not getting the job, I have since tried to keep a positive mind. Keeping a positive mind and going to a workplace I find where my self-esteem is challenged because of what has happened in the past and also this year is very tiring. Some days I just don’t want to get up and my anxiety can kick in some way. It’s hard work when you don’t feel appreciated and just don’t have a clue with your own department no more, which has led me to have no faith or trust because of what has happened,past and present. It has been soul-destroying at times and I had to take antidepressants, as well as counselling to help with this and past childhood issues that came out.

So what am I doing to try and keep this positive mind?

  • As SummerSHINES mentioned in the above post in my comments, see the job as temporary. This is something I have heard before while having difficult moments and it does help.
  • If I want, or need extra hours, then I am going to see this as temporary also. But also I have control in where I would like to clean, by picking of a list that takes my fancy. So I could pick an area where I know it will only be me cleaning it, if I wanted.
  • Try to make sure I continue to practice self-care.
  • Continue with my current studies and enjoy the moment and experience.
  • Continue to enjoy the experience of my driving lessons and look forward to what the future can bring with this.
  • Continue to do things that will take me outside my comfort zone, when I can.