My go-to, in times of escape.

It got difficult because of feeling that mentally and physically drained for so long this year, that when I found the new morning job wasn’t for me and the circumstances around it, that I have revealed in earlier posts, that it pushed me to my limit energy-wise.

I have cried and still have my moments, while I feel like this. I have regardless how I have been, still been able to crack jokes and have a laugh. But behind it all, it has still been pained. Hopefully, now I have finished my morning cleaning job, I should hopefully get my energy back and start to feel more better.

But while I have been as I have been, my go-to, in times of escape, have been the following:

  • Walking, especially in nature.
  • Watching Michael Flatley’s, Lord of the Dance DVD.
  • Listening to Michael Flatley’s Lord of the Dance.
  • Sleeping

It amazes me how exhausting it can be

As I mentioned in the comments of this post, Hopefully all is fine, my mum has lost her bed on the mental health unit today, because she will be in hospital for a further five days.
Tests have shown mum has flu and because she was on a mental health ward prior, like any ward, it’s about not spreading it, so mum is on the hospital ward accordingly as she gets over this.
It’s antibiotics and oxygen through the nose still and when she is discharged, it will be back to the mental health team to find her a bed in a mental health unit.
As I said in the comments on the above post, she’s been laughing and joking still and I have been laughing and joking back.

I have also had a day of fatigue again. Not as bad as before. Felt worse first thing and crappy, which then eased off. But still tired. I said to mum I wouldn’t be there tomorrow. Instead, I am staying at home until I go to work, leaving the home slightly earlier, so I can pick up my prescription from the chemist on the way.
I have warned my mum also that if I am not there Friday, then not to panic, as I will have chosen to stay at home again. But regardless how I am Saturday, I will see her. I can’t believe how this is knocking me out. 

I am hoping with mum discharged, that it doesn’t affect the form I filled for why mum needs to live with me. I guess this is still all valid, because of the short time being there.
I hope also there is no set back with my mum’s mental health. But going by today,  it doesn’t seem the case.

Mum was worried about my tiredness. I reassured it would be much easier when we are both in the same place. But I also told her how the effect on me when discovering she had overdosed, did not hit me till later, because prior to that, I was just on autopilot sorting out her affairs, as well as my own. So I have only just getting my head around that.

I dread to think what could have happened, if I did not choose to check on mum that day. Had I not, then I would have been waiting for mum to arrive at mine, for lunch, which would have been another two days later. But I try not to think about it, because mum is here and I did luckily go.

Thank you to you all, that have left me supportive comments over posts, since all this happened.

Today was a hard day

I woke up this morning finding I was having a job getting out of bed. I felt so tired and this has lasted all day. I also noticed how I had twinges of pain in my left side, so I guess I slept funny. It was like I pulled myself. I felt this tiredness affected my mood too, as I was feeling low.

I had a cry mid morning, before having lunch.

After lunch, I posted some letters off I typed up earlier; two for mum and two of my own. Once they were dealt with, it was on my way to see my mum.
I passed on information what I had done in regards to her affairs. Told her about mine and about the weekend. Mum talked a little. I could see she wasn’t having possibly a good day herself, mentally. I then realised I forgot to bring mum’s things when she asked for something particular. I couldn’t do anything about that, as I told my mum. Other than remember tomorrow.
I left a little earlier than normal to compensate for my tiredness, so there was less of a rush to work. I could feel the tears flowing as I left the building, but I only allowed a few years to flow and not exactly how I was feeling at the time.

I hope tomorrow is an easier day and I am not feeling so tired. Continue reading “Today was a hard day”

Plans

Life may be a struggle that I hate January and money-wise this month difficult, but I am determined on certain plans regardless. Even if there is a side of me that is really emotional at times and stressed, which makes me feel like I want to give up, these plans are still happening:

  • Going to Windsor Castle on my birthday.
  • Seeing my friend in Oxford, in June.
  • I refuse to claim Universal Credit regardless of my struggle. They are not going to have the chance to mess me up down the line.
  • To hunt for that second job I need.
  • Not painting my flat originally as planned. If I do paint, it will only be my bedroom walls. Nothing else.
  • When I get that second job, it’s save, save, save!
  • When there is enough in my ISA that I feel happy with, I will look at moving, unless I am lucky to get a council flat before that happens.

So it’s the weekend

I don’t know if these posts will become regular thing, because as you know, I did another post like this just last week of the same title. But they may crop up from time to time.

So this weekend has been difficult with the dramas going on this month, that I have blogged about. Fatigue has been a big thing in parts, caused by stress and anxiety from the dramas that started it. One drama ended and another begun, which I look forward to their complaint I sent, because it’s them clearly in the wrong.

This weekend, the fatigue has really hit me. Saturday I thought was difficult, but this morning, I really struggled to get up. I had to get up because I was going to meet a friend. But this ended up being cancelled by my friend. How tempting going back to bed, because of my fatigue. I did not go back to bed though and instead made alternative arrangement’s with myself.
This involved walking and my camera on my phone for the first part. I wanted to recreate an old photo I came across last weekend, while in the library. This is all to with my interest of the history near where I live, as well as where I live.
After recreating that photo to see where original was taken, I took photos of where I live. This is so hopefully, when I further research where I live, I hope to come across photos of how the land looked originally, before the block of flats I live in, were built there. I want to see what it looked like, when it was just the house and land, with this tennis court that used to be there, before the flats I was in. I will talk further on this in a later post.

After I done that, I just went for a walk up the road, observing things and possible businesses I could write to, to see if they have any cleaning vacancies.

I am now in the cafe, after doing a small shop, buying cheese, baked beans and tuns and regardless of my walk, I still feel as fatigued. It’s still tempting to crawl back in bed. But I shan’t, because once I have had my cuppa and dropped off my shopping, I shall walk in the other direction and go into town to use the library.

I hope you are having a lovely weekend. My weekend is certainly better than last week, regardless on how I feel.

What are your plans?

I don’t seem with it

The last few weeks have been mentally and physically draining. You will have probably picked that up in my posts as you read them, even when I did not say it.

I talked about how I was so Craving quietness.
I was craving it badly that final week at work and after a week off, for the first time ever, I did not want to go back. Now I love work still, so don’t get me wrong. At work that has been a little trouble going on, which I cannot go into and I won’ go into detail. It’s not directly at me and it’s not my employer causing it. But what has been going off, has affected the atmosphere due to this incident. It wasn’t quiet at work and the tension in the atmosphere was high and there still is tension. I dreaded going back after the quiet week I craved and my mood was very dark Monday. My mood is a little better but not much.

As I have been learning and as I mentioned here, I am a ‘Highly Sensitive Person’ (HSP) I discovered. With how I have been the last few weeks with the slight difficulty in the moving process, the tiredness both physically and mentally, I am really picking this up at work and it is affecting me. Yesterday, I found I was struggling walking at times, feeling like my legs were going to go from under me. My muscles not wanting to hold me up. This is one of the effects of stress. Not had this for a long time, to that extent and I am hoping my body does not do more of this.

Today, I am a little tearful, after calling into my bank and I have decided to call into a cafe before going home for a drink and then I will be sitting down with my bank details, checking where I went wrong and correcting my workings. I called into the bank because I noticed my standing order for my rent was returned. Looking at my balance, it looked like there was sufficient funds and I was fuming that it had been returned. After the bank looked into it, it turned out a payment elsewhere I made was put first (which that’s fine) and standing order returned, as there would have been insufficient funds. Thankfully no charges. I am usually very good when it comes to my own money, making sure I have sufficient funds and I thought I had made a note of this in my folder, so when I am home, I will be seeing if I did make a note of this other payment or not. And then I will be just having my quiet. I thought I was with it now, but obviously not.

My mood is not also helping with my sensitivity to sound I am having. I have finally got round to emailing my audiologist yesterday, so hopefully, I will hear of an appointment soon with a particular audiologist.

A lot of self-care

Since these two posts, “A slow start” and “I just wanted to give you an update, after my earlier post today,” I have been giving myself more self-care than normal.
It took about a week for the tiredness to go completely. Originally, I thought it was disappearing before but I go out on a good morning and a few hours later, the tiredness would creep up again.

Self care has varied each day to what I do and I have been giving myself self-care, for over a week now.
Mostly I have been reading, with some DVD’s in between. There have been a couple of occasions where I have baked. One was apple crumble and the other baking shortbread.
I have had extra soaks in the bath and some slow walks out on the odd days.

All this week has been my annual leave from work.
Today, was going to be a PJ day. But that changed by lunchtime. As I write at this point in my post, the anxiety and adrenaline rush has just gone thankfully. This was due to me getting washed, dressed and out the door to the flat I was viewing. I had just under a couple of hours to get there. I am now spending the rest of my time at home​ doing nothing, other than watch a film and cook something else to eat, with only so much of my lunch I had to leave being edible when I came back.

As for the flat I seen, when I arrived there, like other flats like it, outside not maintained much, but inside, the flat itself nice. Also, making my way up to the flat, my asthma was not affected, as the corridor was not dusty, or musty, like another flat of similar style I seen. The flat is a bit smaller than I imagined, but doable. I am currently thinking about it, but considering and I have sent a further email of query about their fees, as well as something else in addition to my questions I had in the flat.
The bloke who shown me around from the estate agents was knowledgeable, pleasant and not pushy as I looked around deciding on it. I have not use these estate agents before, but they have left a good impression with me.
The view from the flat is lovely, considering where it is. I feel I am in a different place to where it actually is. My mum would probably have a different view and if I took it and she gets negative, the first thing I shall say is, “Who lives here?”