A reflection on the year

What a year I have had in 2018. It’s been a rollercoaster of a year as many of you will know. I have struggled with grief of losing my cousin and her husband. The emotional grief was ongoing, due to the court case for the person who played a part in their deaths being this year. Then writing to the local councilor, where they lived, to fight for changes on that road, which has resulted in a lower speed, clear signage and improved road.
Although the grief is still there, the year has been positive too. I started my new job on 2nd January and I have loved every second being there. Working there has made me feel like my old self, but a better self, because I have grown further in confidence this year. I am also happier because of my new job and also because of now living in Mansfield. This was icing on the cake, when I moved, because I did not think at one point this would happen, as it got nearer to the end of the year.

My next aim is to build up my hours, by looking out for morning work. I plan to send CV’s out to businesses near me, as well as looking at job vacancies that crop up in my email inbox, from job alerts I have set.
Until that morning job happens, I continue my volunteering one day a week at Ashfield Play Forum. This volunteering role, I have been doing for some years now. But when I do get a morning work, it will mean I need to leave, which they understand. As one staff member had said, before I got my new home in Mansfield, it will be a new chapter. My new chapter has come early I feel, for living in Mansfield alone. So watch this space and continue to visit my blog for new posts/stories, in the year ahead.

I would like to end this post on saying Happy New Year, whether it’s soon to arrive, or already happened, depending on where you live. Have a safe holiday and I will see you in the New Year.

Blog post re-share: “Tips on looking after your mental health this Christmas,” by Heads Together.

Christmas will be you are either looking forward to it, or not. Christmas can be a difficult time for some and it is important to look after yourself, how best it suits you.
For me, I have already expressed for some time, that I need quiet this year and I have said no to some things, as I shared in this post; “To say no.”

HeadsTogether, has written a very helpful post on looking after yourself this Christmas. Click on the link below, which will take you to their page, where you can read more.

Tips on looking after your mental health this Christmas.

Further email sent to councillor

Since this “Email I sent to local Councillor,“which as I mentioned in another post somewhere, I received an acknowledgement to it, but a longer email would be given later. I am still waiting for that longer email and as you know from a post before, today, it is one year to losing my cousin and her husband.

Another email was sent yesterday, as it was 6th August, I last heard.

Hi (name withheld)

6th August was the last time I heard from you. Tomorrow is one year from losing Sandra and Michael (last name and area witheld).

I have not forgotten. But have you?

If you are seriously waiting for certain papers before you can proceed further than you need to chase them up. Especially when since then, there have been two other incidents.

How long are we all supposed to wait for 30mph sign to be erected in (area witheld)? How many more incidents have to happen, or deaths? How would you feel it was your family that died there, instead of Sandra and Michael (last name witheld)? Would it change things? Would things move quicker?

I am not happy that you are taking this long about creating some action and getting this 30mph sign up and making it more clear the speed you should be doing!

I want action. Not just words. Until action is created, your words are now of little comfort, because you are taking this long to acknowledge any further in this email and on (details witheld.)

Regards

(My name at the end.)

One year today, since you are both gone.

candle

One year today, in the afternoon, since you were both taken from our lives.

I will never forget the day I discovered you were both taken by a careless driver, as you walked home together with your shopping. Finding out the next day via media, my heart ripped apart.
As well as the careless driver to blame, the road is too, for not being marked properly in the direction the driver came, but also for speed limit known for that road, as it has been proven how that road should not be at that speed limit, because you will lose control of your car before reaching it.

The village have got together for you both. Fighting again, to bring the speed limit down and for clear markings, as well as other proposals. As well as the village, I am waiting and I will be proactive also, to see the road speed reduced. I won’t stop until I see it 30mph. It won’t bring you both back, but it means no one else has to go through losing loved ones on that road, like we did.

You may be gone, but you are not forgotten.

Christmas for me, will be like any other year, before you were both taken, which is nothing special, than just relaxing. But Christmas this year for me will be different, as I will be living in Mansfield before then. So when I put up my Christmas tree this year, it will be for you two and to mark a new year for me of further positive changes to come and what ever else it may bring.

RIP Sandra and Michael xxx

Life is a rollercoaster

I’m sure like me, you have heard the phrase “life is like a rollercoaster.” This past year, I feel I can use this phrase. Lots of things have happened, that have been good and bad. I have had to give myself extra self-care more than normal, which for a while has been on a daily basis. After my emotional week recently, that I talked about in this post; “Feeling emotional,” I have had to make sure I do keep giving myself self-care, appropriate for the situation.
Some self-care I have been doing is spending lots of time at the library this week. This will continue into next week on free days I will have, prior to work. I am out of internet as well, until the 4th October, so I am taking advantage of their WiFi too.
Some days have been colouring, or doodling, as I recently shared in a post.
At work, before work starts, I sit in a place away from others on odd days, for some quiet.

Anxiety has creeped in the last couple of days, but I feel I have it under control with slow deep breaths, touching things that help me relax and drinking tea, or hot chocolate.

This morning, while at the library, I chose to quickly flick through a book that caught my eye. The book was called, “Courage, 50 Mindfulness and Relaxation Exercises to Improve Your Confidence,” by Dr. Arlene K. Unger. Flicking through the book I see I am either doing some of these things already, or something I plan to do next.
But there was one thing that caught my eye in particular. I thought I would share it here with you, because I know there are readers like me that write either on their blog, or in a journal what they are grateful for the day and I thought you might be interested. I see it as something we could all give a go at, whether you practice gratitude, or not.
Would you like a challenge? Then keep reading.

This excerpt is from page 71, of the book:

“Write the alphabet on a sheet of paper. For each letter, challenge yourself to come up with something to be grateful for. (When you get to X and Z, just find something that contains those letters rather than words that start with them.)”

So are you going to have a go, with this challenge?

If you do, then when you have a go, either write yours for in a comment in this post.
Or if you are going to write this challenge up on your own blog, then tag this actual post.
Please , if you do tag me, that you make sure you tag using this post and not the whole of my blog, because that way I won’t miss your post. (Realistically, I shouldn’t.) Past challenges where I have found people to have joined in have not tagged me this way and I only happened to have spotted that they had joined in because I was scrolling in my reader far enough. I could have so easily missed.

I will share mine, once I have done it, in a separate post.

Feeling emotional

For the last few days on and off, I have been feeling emotional. Last night, it came in a big wave and I got up this morning when I woke up, so it meant I lied in bed longer than usual, this morning.
This morning I still feel tearful and not good, but I have come out to the library to use their WiFi and for distraction.
It will be a year on 14th October since losing my cousin; Sandra and her husband; Michael, to a careless driver. I have a post that will air that afternoon, that I have written just a couple of days ago.
It doesn’t seem a year that they will be gone, but then it had been dragged on from last year with everyone looking into this, followed by court this year.

I did not think I would expect a big wave of emotions like this again, but with happy memories of Miley my cat I was thinking of, that departed from this world in March, along with moving at some point in October, I suppose it was to happen.

This year has been a mixture of highs and lows for me and the year has just flew by more than any other. I have had a lot to take in this year, but as my afternoon post will express, on the 14th October, I have a lot to look forward to when I move. I am also positive on the year ahead to come.

Reflections since as the healing journey continues

Come this Friday, it will be two weeks since the court case. (Post here on that for new followers to my blog, or in case you missed it.) As I said in this post, my painful healing journey starts.
The first week was very painful and dark. Towards the end of that week, I started to laugh with the ladies at work, whether banter was started by them, or at times, myself. But laughing was painful. I could feel deep pain inside me, even though I was laughing. As you know from the second post link, if you have read this before, I had a day trip to Twycross Zoo and I had to make myself go. Even when I was there, I found after a couple of hours that I really wanted to go home, until I hung around the monkeys, watching them. They helped pass the time with their antics and made it a little more bearable. But by the afternoon I really wanted to go and I was outside the zoo till the coach arrived.

After my day trip at Oxford last Saturday, I felt more relaxed I noticed and I felt like I had a holiday for a week, not a day trip,because I felt so refreshed. So I think this was where my moods changed for the better.

There are times I am hit by waves unexpectedly. Each a different size wave from the other, with the occasional dark cloud. I am feeling a little emotional as I write this. I know getting over this will take time, because I have been through difficult times before and I got through them.

As I think more about the person who’s careless driving caused their deaths. As much as I know he is suffering and never will forget that day, I still think he should have had a jail sentence. Not the ten years for each person as originally I felt, but the six months he narrowly missed. But this cannot be changed.

I heard from the local Councillor. He plans to email me back with a full detailed response later, but until then, he felt also best to email me now with something in short. I will share these responses later in a post of its own after, hearing from him later.