How I feel

Because of my recent posts where I have possibly been vague and short to the point, which is not my usual writing style, due to watching what I actually say, I know I will have a few concerned readers. I thank you for your concerns, but I will be ok, just a few emotions have been stirred up and I am using what helps to ease my anxiety, like walks out, or colouring. I am just watchful what I say about all this now, as I do want to protect my family. So I have been thinking about how I could write to reassure you, while avoiding details about the court case to come. So this is that post.

It’s been a long wait as you know, for this to come. I have never been angry about the person who killed my two beloved family members, but I do want to see justice served.
Having anger will hurt yourself more in the long run, than anyone else and my mum is experiencing this anger, since the day we learnt of their deaths.
I was distraught when I found out about their deaths, the day after it happened via the online, local newspaper and I will never forget that day I found out this way. It felt like I was in a nightmare and at times it still does, knowing I won’t see them again.
Emotions are now stirred again; feeling tearful and anxiety.

I want to attend this court hearing, to see the person who killed them. I want to see his face and watch him, to see if he looks and feels remorseful.
He is a very young man, who only passed his test three weeks prior to that fatal day.
I hope that by being in court, I will get further answers to that day, but I know it won’t be nice hearing and I shall spare those details here. But the paramedic who was first on scene, it affected him. That is how bad this accident was and this is why I want justice served.
I already know how hurt my cousin was and it shocked me to the core. I felt the colour drain from my face, as I heard this from a friend, which I think was about a week or so later, after the accident. She stopped mid way as she was just going to say how my cousin’s husband was hurt. I don’t think she realised what she was doing and my face probably said it all, hence I did not hear the rest. So I guess I will and I am prepared the best I can be, should I hear this in court. Or can you ever prepare yourself for something like this?

I know my mum is interested in attending court. But she does not know these awful details, other than it was bad and so I don’t want her to attend, because I would be concerned how it would affect her. Mum does not use any coping strategies, as you know and her mental health can be much worser than mine, given her past history. But how she is now, the last few years, even more so, I would feel uncomfortable about her attending, which would spark my anxiety more. So I hope she will stay at home and say no more about it.

Three families are affected since that fatal day; Us, who lost two family members at the same time. The family on my cousin’s husband side, as well as knowing my cousin too. So double-effect for them too, like us. And the family that are related to this young man who killed them.
Our lives will never be the same again.

The speed limit needs to be 30 mph

My cousin and her husband were hit on a road not far from where they lived. A road where a speed limit needs to be brought way down and the local people have campaigned for this speed limit to be brought down, for years. They are still currently campaigning, with petitions already long ago sent in, after their deaths. They would like to see it 30 mph all the way through and I totally agree with them, along with other measures they are after.
I hope the people who receive these petitions and the campaign from these locals finally listen to them and change the speed limit. That road is awful and when you are on a pavement and a car goes speeding by, you are still at risk, because you feel the drag of that car passing you by, pulling you into the road. I know, I have walked this road many times from my teens, to an adult and I have had some scary experiences.
If the people who receive these petitions and campaign still don’t listen and act, then this is where I will be angry. Their deaths should not have happened and I, like the locals there, do not want to see anymore killed on that road.


Thank you once again, for your concerns and support. x


Double heartbreak

As you know from my last post, I had heartbreak on the Sunday when discovering two family members died. A friend came to take me down to where flowers had already been laid, so I could see for myself what I had read. I can’t believe I won’t be seeing their smiles no more. That is what I will remember first about them; their smiles. I used to stay over when I was a kid, either at the weekend, or for a few weeks. I loved my time with them.

R.I.P. Sandra and Michael.

You were both taken too soon. You were not ready to go yet, as you had many more years to enjoy together.

“You were much-loved by me as you know and it comes as a shock to me and my mum; Doreen, that you have gone. You have been taken early. I find this so hard to take that you both won’t be around smiling. May you be together and smile down on the people you loved.

Love Elizabeth and Doreen Fisher”

flowers and note I left

Update on my mental health and wellbeing

This morning, I seen my doctor to review my antidepressant which I currently take every other day. I discussed with him how I felt near the beginning after a couple of weeks at starting to take them at this dosage. I then explained how last month has been especially not good, due to grief of losing my aunt on new years eve and how it was also difficult the last 48 hours before she passed away, because we had a few occasions expecting her to pass away, only to hold on for another day.
I also explained that the whole of last month nearly, was dominated by a very bad cold and that I still have a sore muscle from all the coughing I did still.

So, at the moment, because of the above and how at the moment I feel I am up and down with my emotions, we decided it was best not to lower my antidepressant any further and to keep it at the dosage I am currently on. I am to go back in and see him in four months time and we will discuss how I am doing then, and what we will do next. In the meantime, between now and then, should I ever feel any worse, not to hesitate to make an appointment.

As for my sore rib, sometimes it can take longer, as I am experiencing, so all I can do is go with the flow, taking it easy and rest when needed. Eventually the discomfort will finally go.

I also let him know about me being allergic to the Cetraben cream and so it would need coming of my repeat prescription. I mentioned I did not need any alternative, as I will continue with what I was using before, along with another I am finding even better.

R.I.P. aunty

The end of the year was tinged with sadness.
My aunt passed away in the early hours of New Years Eve, surrounded by her family that loved her.

Waiting for this time to come was hard, but very hard the final two days. As a family, we supported each other well, at this very difficult time.

My aunt now rests in peace.


When a loved one dies, it is hard anytime of the year, but near Christmas, or the New Year can make it more harder. Before it happened to me, I could only imagine how hard it must be to lose a loved one around this time of year, but to experience it myself, means I truly know how it feels.

As well as coming to the terms of my aunt no longer here, I also need to support my mum who has lost a sister. As well as my aunt being my aunt and a sister, she was also a mum and a grandma, who will be missed greatly.




Related posts:

#If depression were a choice

I created this post after inspiration from blogger, ‘Summer Starts to Shine,’ where she created a post of the same name: ‘#If depression were a choice.

#If depression were a choice

If depression were a choice, I would not have witnessed as a child of the ups and very bad downs of my mum’s mental health. I would not have worried whether she would disappear again, like before.

If depression were a choice, after seeing how it affected me personally as a child and, also how it affects other people and their families, then I would not choose depression myself. Because after all, it is no fun.

If depression were a choice, I would not struggle to get out of bed some mornings, or sometimes worry about the day ahead.

If depression were a choice, I would not have wished at one time that I was dead and that I was of no use to this world.

If depression were a choice, then I would choose to not have depression. But unfortunately it is not that easy.

If depression were a choice, then I would not have needed the doctor, counsellor or my medication.

If depression were a choice, then my mind would choose to stop dwelling on things.

If the bad experiences of childhood (including bullying, if I did not have enough already,) and early adulthood had not happened, then I would be able to stop my brain having the memories of those days and re-living them.

Until you have been in my shoes, or other people’s shoes of people suffering mental health, then you do not know. So please do not judge.

What I experience to another person it is different. I know how my experiences affect me, but it does not mean I know fully how it affects the next person. I can only be there to support, or to just listen.

Receiving comments of the following I write below, that I have heard personally myself over the years, are not helpful at all.

  • You can choose not to dwell on things
  • It happened to you a long time ago and so you should put it behind you
  • There’s no point living in the past
  • Isn’t it time you moved on?

So until you have been in our shoes, suffered what we have suffered, you will not know how exactly how our past affects our mental health. So do not judge, but listen to our stories and try to understand how it affects us.

If depression were a choice, then I would choose not to have depression.

Talking therapies

As you know from reading this blog, I have had counselling in the past, the last two sets of sessions being very helpful for me.
This was because after the counsellor who I had for my first of theses two sessions, identifying my childhood past being the cause of how I was now.
Since these sessions have ended, I have been writing this blog as my continuing therapeutic way of dealing with things, as well as other things, like learning something new, remembering to give self-love.

I recommend talking therapy to anyone who is struggling. Talking therapy can work alone, or alongside antidepressants from your doctor, depending on the individual.

I recently learnt that someone closer to me was not doing well as I thought. After this person asked for advice, which I gave, I could see there was a bit more to it then the person was letting on, so I asked further. The person wouldn’t answer this question, as was concerned how I would feel ashamed of them, of their response.
I reassured that person, that I am sure you have done nothing to be ashamed of and that the advice I gave before would not help alone, as I could see whatever this issue was needed to be addressed. This would mean if they felt they could not be open with me, then to speak to a counsellor where you will not need to feel worried about being judged, because they are there to listen.
On answering further questions about what to expect in counselling sessions to reassure this person, because they have never seen a counsellor before, I printed off the necessary information, so they could self-refer. I hope this person does follow it through, because I know this person would benefit from it so much.

If you are feeling the need to talk to someone and have no one, or not confident in speaking to a friend, or family member, then please do speak to a counsellor. They are not there to judge, they are there to help.

I do recommend talking therapy, because you are in a neutral place where you do not need to worry about upsetting, or worrying a friend or relative, so you can unburden yourself. A place where you also won’t feel judged.

For more information on talking therapies, please visit this page at Mental Health Foundation.


In my draft box for some time, I have had a post labelled ‘grief’ that I never started, because I did not know how to start this off with what I was feeling. After I came across this post of the same name by Courage Coaching, I just had to share this post, as I could relate to this post well. But one thing I never thought of as grief would be a childhood that someone has never had. Now I can say I have had a bit of a childhood, but it wasn’t great as you know from my blogging posts. I realised after reading this post and remembering my counselling sessions I had, I did grieve for some of my childhood. It took this post to give me a flashback of my counselling, to realise this.

When I was going to write my own post of grief, the post I had in mind to write about, but struggled to start it off, was to do with dementia.

My aunt has dementia. Me and my Mum learnt about this two, or three years ago. It’s since last year, near Christmas how dementia is taking my aunt away and my Mum’s sister. This is our grief. She is still here with us, but not how she was before. We learn to know her as she is now, which can vary each day. Dementia has really taken hold of my aunt these last few months.

I have seen the effects of dementia, but what has hurt for me, is seeing how it hurts my family. I feel helpless, but it has got easier now.

Advice I can give for someone who is struggling, like I gave my mum, is enjoy your day with them and find something that is positive, if it feels a hard time for you that day. Any small thing, it dies not matter. Remember those small things for days that could be bad. This could be just by getting a single word out of your family member, or a smile. When it was difficult for me, this was what I remember, but the last few weeks there has been lots of smiles from my aunt, when I have seen her, that I cherish. Each day, or week can vary with dementia. So it is important to hold on to those small things, for when those difficult days arrive.

Although grief is a huge part of life, it is something that none of us want to experience. We can grieve over the loss of a loved one or beloved pet. We can grieve over the loss of a job or home. We can grieve whenever a new change happens in our lives, such as […]

via Grief — Courage Coaching