Chit-chat January

In December, I decided to quit my home study course. There was still no motivation, but also no desire, or need to do it. Prior to that, I have not touched for about a year, due to circumstances as you know. One being I held off due to grieving for my two family members, that went together when they were hit by a careless driver.

I then learnt just three days later, (after the funeral) as you know, of an ex and the awful thing he had done that left me reeling and feeling sick. This still haunts me.

I tried last November to get back into it, but I couldn’t and then again in December, but still couldn’t, along with no desire, or need to do it. So I shredded and binned the course. Even doing that, I felt nothing, or no regret for doing it.

The year of 2019 for me is just to get back into my crafts, in some way. When I started doing Sharpie Sunday, this first sparked off my crafty side again, while releasing anything emotionally.
I’ve also done other prompts, that I shared on my blog, that got me back into drawing some way.

As well as sketching, colouring and doodling, I will hopefully do a bit of cross stitching and maybe later crotchet. If I do get back into crotchet, I may need to re-learn the basics.

What ever crafts I decide to do, I shall do in my own time and I’m sure I will share something on here now and again.

I hope to also go on at least a couple of day trips, with a possible third, if I can afford it.

I also plan to walk around my neighbourhood.

I loved reading “The Ice Monster,” by David Walliams. I can’t remember the last time I have laughed so much with a book, as I have done with this one.

The ice monster by David Williams

I even read it for a second time. I definitely want to read more of his books and although aimed for children, I bet I am not the only adult enjoying them also. Even my mum has enjoyed reading it.
I was thinking of doing this book as a giveaway on my blog later. But only if there is interest, as a few book giveaways I have done in the past, not all seamt popular. Would you be interested entering, if I did?

My audiology appointment I had after Boxing Day, which I had my hearing test as planned shown my worser ear remains stable, when it comes to my hearing. My left ear I could see there was a change, which surprised me, because hearing wise with that ear I don’t feel there is any change. But I was reassured not to worry about it, because depending on time and day, my mood and other factors, it can seem it looks like it’s changed now, but not necessarily in the long run. I’m not worried anyway, but I was relieved to see my right ear remains stable, which is my deafer ear.
An appointment was made to see the hearing specialist, with regards to the sensitivity to sound I was having. (The right ear being the worst ear for sensitivity.) I went on the 3rd January for this. At this appointment, I talked about my sensitivity to sounds I am experiencing. My hearing aids were then checked and, adjusted and my remote was checked to make sure it was still paired up ok with my hearing aids. (My remote makes it easier to adjust volume and programmes easily, especially when wearing  covers over them.)

First impressions from leaving there and throughout the day, I noticed the adjustment was a positive improvement for me. There was a tiny amount of sensitivity with right ear still, but I did not feel the urge to turn down that hearing aid.
As the week progressed, leading up to now as this post airs, the rest is calming down and in general, that tiny bit of sensitivity in right ear is hardly much. It’s doesn’t bother my general day-to-day as before and not something I notice all the time. So I reckon in time soon, it will completely go that I never realised when it actually did.

I mentioned in an earlier post that I may have ‘Hyperacusis’ after a friend shared me some info on it, after I told her of my difficulties and with seeing the audiologist and specialist, it does confirm this.
Deaf people are known to get this, but more common apparently with late deafened. Reading more about it on the way home from the audiologist, I learnt that a life event, like bereavement can bring it on. So with my own two life events I have had, it certainly makes more sense.

To read more about Hyperacusis, you can find out more about here at The British Tinnitus Association.

What’s your plans for 2019?

(This post, I shall keep open to comments for a month.)

I really wish others knew this about me…

I’m not boring and I am approachable

People in the past and some probably now, not that I don’t care what others think now like I once did, but some thought I was going to be boring. These were proved wrong and they held their hands up to their wrong assumptions. The conclusion to why they thought I would be boring, was because of me being quiet and also how I was dressed, as this particular occasion was my hen night, all those years ago. (The first relationship, that I was abused in.)
I would like you to know that I am not boring because I am quiet to start with and you will find me approachable, should you choose to speak to me. We may even find common ground.

I do have a sense of humour

Just because you may find me quiet at first, as I have mentioned​ above, when it comes to talking to me, you will also discover I do have a sense of humour.

I people watch

I people watch sometimes. Imagining what they may be like. Observing their relationships with their family, or friends.
I especially like seeing elderly couples holding hands, while walking in the street. It’s so lovely to see and I wonder just how many years they may have been together.

Just because I have an invisible disability, doesn’t mean it don’t exist.

I am deaf and, I have depression and anxiety.

Unless my hair is tied up, you won’t see my hearing aids, until I mention I have a hearing loss.
People say, ‘ I speak ok,’ but like my hidden disability, it doesn’t mean I am not deaf. I am deaf, but to hear you better, I have to see your face to lipread, while hearing what I can with my hearing aids.
I would also like to add that my hearing aids assist me, but they don’t magically give back my hearing I once had. I also watch your face expression and your body language.
I will need you to be patient with me, as I may need you to repeat if I miss something and I will be very appreciative of this.
I will be able to tell if you don’t have the patience to chat with me, don’t want to be there in general. I may also pick up on if you are not feeling yourself, which if I do, I am known to ask if you are ok

Depression is another invisible disability. On the surface, I may seem fine to you, but underneath, I could be the total opposite.
My depression is not bad like it used to be. Being in a new job has helped greatly, as well as counselling for other matters already blogged about here.

I have anxiety and depending how it is, you may see it, or you may not. Again, like my depression, it’s not bad as it was, but it does like to creep up more, than my depression.

I can sketch

From the age of 9 to early 20’s, I was regular sitting at a table sketching. After that, I stopped, until the artist side of me crept out again with ‘Sharpie Sunday’s‘ and other prompts. Although it’s not got me back to my sketching route I once did. I would like to though.
I am not saying I am good to sell as an artist, but if I had kept it up as I once did, then they may have been.

One time, I couldn’t look in a full-length mirror

I hated looking at myself in a full-length mirror one time. This started after I left the first relationship. Although I don’t own a full-length mirror still, I know I wouldn’t have a problem looking in one.

I give 100% in the workplace

I give 100% in the workplace, but sometimes I will give a 110%, because I love my workplace so much.

What do you wish others knew about you?

Getting glowful again

I used to own the Sonic boom analogue clock and I absolutely loved it, because I could switch off the back-lit display and not see it clock in the dark. But now, it’s getting glowful again. My analogue clock failed to wake me up. The clock ticks, but after a couple of goes, it’s clear the clock will not go off at my chosen alarm. From giving it a go, it is clear it’s the alarm part button, or the part I turn to set my chosen time I want to get up at, as it is hit and miss when I play with it trying to get it to go off. The clock just won’t go off, so in the bin it had to go.
It’s a good job I still had my previous clock, as I need to get up early on Saturday. But it means now my nights will be glowful again, as you can tell in the photo. The clock, you can’t dim anymore than it looks already and with me having my Silent alert, (green glow in the background,) which has to be here, because while it is on the charger the vibrating pad is under my mattress, that will wake me up in event of a fire it’s now makes my dark nights, lighter. Which I hate. I doubt I will get this analogue clock one again, because I don’t want the same risk happening again. This clock has not been good long term, compared to previous couple of models that were still ok and I had passed on, when I wanted a change of clock.
When it was just my Silent alert glowing, while using my analougue clock, I got used to the dim of just that one, but the clock, it glows. But I am going to have to stick with this, because I am not buying another now for some time, or when this one is ready for the knackers yard.

DSC_0081

I recommend watching film, “I, Daniel Blake.”

I recommend anyone watching the film, “I, Daniel Blake.” The film is about 59 years old carpenter; Daniel Blake, who after suffering a heart attack has to fight the system in order to receive Employment and support Allowance. daniel Blake also befriends a single mum who is also fighting her own battles with the system. I watched this last year on 16th November 2017.
It was after watching this film, that I was able to write the following on my Facebook wall, which I made public. This film obviously stirred up something in me, to find I could write what I shared that day. I share this here on my blog, that I written that day.

“I have watched “I, Daniel Blake,” this morning. If you have not seen this film, then I totally recommend for different reasons; if you are struggling yourself, knowing you are not alone, an inspirational film, truly hitting, inspiring.”

Although the film has inspired me, for my own personal situation, I still don’t have the energy to appeal. Too may things have gone on and I have to think about my mental health. To do that, means I am not appealing PIP.

But for people who have no choice, but to appeal and face hardship because of this system being so fucked up that someone who was denied ESA because they made them fit for work, regardless that medical people have said they are not fit for work, this film shows just what goes on in our country.

Today, this still happens and I would like every Government member sit and watch this film. I would like every person who works at DWP to see this film. The Government have created this mess, the DWP are of no help. You treat us as numbers, as service users still. But we are not. We are citizens as this film explains. Yet this is still going on.

I am one less person currently that you the Government and the DWP will be happy to hear that does not have the energy to appeal. I have too much happen to me in a short space of time and that is not including applying for PIP. I was given DLA for life, but because you created PIP, (this was just to save you money in your pocket, regardless what you say,) I now not seen worthy. My deafness and the difficulties remain the same. PIP does not support the deaf as it is made out to be. People that see you to assess you and make this decision are not qualified enough in my eyes to decide how to decide whether I am entitled to PIP or not and mess with my life.

There will be many more that will face possible hardship due to this fucked up system and I could be another to the system.

The Government and DWP don’t give a shit and as much as they try to say they do, sorry I don’t believe them, because I have seen it too many times where lives have been fucked up. There are also too may people now on the streets than I have ever seen and people using food banks. Seeing all this and my personal experience is proof how they don’t care.”

#IDanielBlake #PIP #disgraceful #welfarereform #DWP #Government

The way I am

Anxiety has been there for most of my life because of never feeling like I fit in, or belong anywhere. This feeling, along with being made to feel different started when I was in Junior School. No one wanted me on their team, but obviously I would have to end up on someones team. Even when I shown how good I was at non-stop cricket one time, which they were stunned, it did not change their views. I still was not wanted. This carried on all through Comprehensive School, but in addition to bullying which was mostly verbal. I only experienced physical a few times to start with, which was just pushing.
Through working life, thankfully not every job I did not feel alone, or not belong. There has only been one area where I was judged before they knew me and where I work currently, there has been (or probably still is) judging when they don’t really know me, because now I don’t speak unless I really have to, due to past issues at work with bullying and other things. But this time I don’t care if they judge. It’s their problem, not mine. The few that know me, only know me because I know they won’t shove it back in my face later, otherwise I keep myself to myself, which pisses off the others, because they have nothing to gossip about.
Through the lovely people I have met along the way personally, they are in my life because they mean something to me.
New friends I made through a place I stopped volunteering at, because no opportunities happened in the months I was there, I try to meet up with them, when I can. A lovely group who I feel comfortable with and who are patient with me because of my hearing loss. But underneath, I still have a little anxiety at times, because that just seems to be me. I am also tired after and can’t wait to go home to re-charge, because of the effort it requires me to lipread. While I am there, when conversation is in full swing, unless someone near to me either side starts a conversation separately with me, then I stay quiet, because I do not know what is going on. I cannot follow group conversations at all.

I will try to travel somewhere new, but just because I do it, does not mean I am always anxiety free. Sometimes anxiety likes to pay a visit and I don’t know why I am having that moment.
If it involves more than two buses to somewhere new and I do not know where to get off, I simply can’t do it, as anxiety-wise, it’s too much.

If I go somewhere that involves a crowd, I get anxiety because of not knowing who they are and I can feel claustrophobic, depending on the crowd and the situation. Putting myself in the same situation, does not make it go away. It never gets any easier.

People have said to me that I look confident, when I have said underneath I don’t feel confident, or have anxiety.

If I am with someone I know, but someone comes up to us because they know the person I am with, I will stand back and let them talk. I tend to find I am quiet because I don’t know them, because I worry about possible communication difficulties I may have. This is just the way I am.

If a random person came up to me in the street, anxiety will be there, because again, I will worry about the communication difficulties I could have, because of communication difficulties I know I have.

You will not find me in a swimming pool, because to do so, I would need to remove my hearing aids. I will not be around people without my hearing aids, because of communication difficulties I would have and my anxiety would be high.

I could easily isolate myself if I allowed, so I don’t have to worry about communication difficulties.
To be ME and remove my hearing aids.
It’s so easy being on my own, to be me and just relax.
To be me without the worry of the communication difficulties, or the worry of being judged before you they fully know me.
To be anxiety-free.

How lovely it would be, to be without anxiety, as it would make my life so much easier. The same if I wasn’t deaf. But that’s the way I am.

For the record, I hate my anxiety and my hearing loss. But I know they will never go away, as much as I want them to.

Why I am back early from my blogging break

I have enjoyed my blogging break, but I have also partly missed it. While way, I have had a lot of ‘me time,’ just doing what I want to do, on my own. I have also enjoyed spending time with a couple of family members on days I have seen them.

I have some stressful times as you know, and while I have been away from blogging I have had some ups and downs. But most of these have been ups, as I shared in my first post back from my blogging break.
I have dealt with these ups and downs in ways that are suitable for me, to get it out of my system, which two of them being doodles and sharpie drawings.

I came back earlier to blogging than planned because I wanted a distraction from earlier that day. For two hours, I had to talk a lot about negative stuff with someone from Welfare Rights who was helping me with my PIP application. Like many others who are or were on DLA originally, regardless if you had it for life, we all have to go onto PIP. But if you want it, you have to apply for it. Luckily the person who is helping me with my PIP is the same person who helped me with my DLA. But regardless I am having help with filling it in, it does not make the process any easier.
Talking about all the negativity of your disability, so it is filled in properly on the form to get across to them looking at it on how your disability affects you is hard work. I cried at one point while talking about the negative effects of my hearing loss, saying how easier just being on my own can be, so I can just be me and take my hearing aids out.  Comparing to before when I applied for DLA and now for the PIP, there is a lot more down on paper. I was there for two hours. To say the PIP form is thinner than the DLA form I remember, there is still a lot of writing had to go into it.

Originally my DLA was just for my hearing loss, (although other things were mentioned, but not important then.) Now I have to talk about my depression and anxiety.

Although I left the place where I met up with Welfare Rights person better than during my session, I did start to feel tearful again while eating lunch in town. A place where I was going to have originally lunch in was very busy, so I went to another cafe very near by. I felt a little edgy where I choose to sit, with the cafe being in the centre of the shopping centre and choosing to sit on a seat around the edge. I should have really sat somewhere more in the middle, then I may have felt less edgy.
Before going home, I thought I’d pop into HMV and buy a couple of CD’s to hopefully cheer me up a bit. I bought Ed Sheeran, ‘Divide’ and Anastacia, ‘Ultimate Collection.’
It took towards the evening though, when I was working with my colleague, before my mood picked up much better.

Invisible illnesses do not make invisible people

Something I came across Facebook and I wanted to share here. There are many illnesses that are invisible, but because they are invisible, it does not mean our invisible illness are not easy. It does not make them any less.

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Just some examples of invisible illnesses are:

  • mental illness
  • dyslexia
  • hearing loss
  • Crohn’s disease
  • Fibromyalgia

As I have mentioned, this is just a short list and there are many other invisible illnesses.