Depression sucks

Depression sucks.JPG

My first post back after my blogging break I talked about going on a weekend holiday to Warwick and Stratford.

At the end of my first day after walking around Warwick, when at the hotel, my mood dipped. I felt low, even though that morning I felt great, the coach ride to Warwick being lovely and recognising the coach driver from another holiday I went on, so already a familiar face. I enjoyed the site-seeing earlier in Warwick and the hotel was lovely and my room relaxing, as I set about unpacking my suitcase and taking time out in my hotel room till it was time for dinner. But yet I felt down while in my room.

That is depression for you, it comes around without an invite and even though you appreciate and enjoy what you are currently doing, it can, or it will try to put a dampener on the holiday, or whatever else you are doing. But I have got to say, that when I felt as I did, I was not expecting it. Not after a good day I had.
I was then dreading a little going down and joining my coach group for my dinner, as I did not want to dampen anyone else’s day if they spotted the difference in me. But no one spotted and I felt I managed to mingle with the others either side of me better than I thought. I enjoyed my starter and dinner, but left the sweet alone as I was full and I made my way up to my room, wishing everyone a good night.
Back at my hotel room I was a little better, but there was still that depression cloud looming overhead. I watched Casualty, before deciding to have an early night, as I was tired.

The next morning, I felt great and my low-mood feeling I had the day before was gone. My uninvited low mood had quickly disappeared, as it arrived.

The way I am

Anxiety has been there for most of my life because of never feeling like I fit in, or belong anywhere. This feeling, along with being made to feel different started when I was in Junior School. No one wanted me on their team, but obviously I would have to end up on someones team. Even when I shown how good I was at non-stop cricket one time, which they were stunned, it did not change their views. I still was not wanted. This carried on all through Comprehensive School, but in addition to bullying which was mostly verbal. I only experienced physical a few times to start with, which was just pushing.
Through working life, thankfully not every job I did not feel alone, or not belong. There has only been one area where I was judged before they knew me and where I work currently, there has been (or probably still is) judging when they don’t really know me, because now I don’t speak unless I really have to, due to past issues at work with bullying and other things. But this time I don’t care if they judge. It’s their problem, not mine. The few that know me, only know me because I know they won’t shove it back in my face later, otherwise I keep myself to myself, which pisses off the others, because they have nothing to gossip about.
Through the lovely people I have met along the way personally, they are in my life because they mean something to me.
New friends I made through a place I stopped volunteering at, because no opportunities happened in the months I was there, I try to meet up with them, when I can. A lovely group who I feel comfortable with and who are patient with me because of my hearing loss. But underneath, I still have a little anxiety at times, because that just seems to be me. I am also tired after and can’t wait to go home to re-charge, because of the effort it requires me to lipread. While I am there, when conversation is in full swing, unless someone near to me either side starts a conversation separately with me, then I stay quiet, because I do not know what is going on. I cannot follow group conversations at all.

I will try to travel somewhere new, but just because I do it, does not mean I am always anxiety free. Sometimes anxiety likes to pay a visit and I don’t know why I am having that moment.
If it involves more than two buses to somewhere new and I do not know where to get off, I simply can’t do it, as anxiety-wise, it’s too much.

If I go somewhere that involves a crowd, I get anxiety because of not knowing who they are and I can feel claustrophobic, depending on the crowd and the situation. Putting myself in the same situation, does not make it go away. It never gets any easier.

People have said to me that I look confident, when I have said underneath I don’t feel confident, or have anxiety.

If I am with someone I know, but someone comes up to us because they know the person I am with, I will stand back and let them talk. I tend to find I am quiet because I don’t know them, because I worry about possible communication difficulties I may have. This is just the way I am.

If a random person came up to me in the street, anxiety will be there, because again, I will worry about the communication difficulties I could have, because of communication difficulties I know I have.

You will not find me in a swimming pool, because to do so, I would need to remove my hearing aids. I will not be around people without my hearing aids, because of communication difficulties I would have and my anxiety would be high.

I could easily isolate myself if I allowed, so I don’t have to worry about communication difficulties.
To be ME and remove my hearing aids.
It’s so easy being on my own, to be me and just relax.
To be me without the worry of the communication difficulties, or the worry of being judged before you they fully know me.
To be anxiety-free.

How lovely it would be, to be without anxiety, as it would make my life so much easier. The same if I wasn’t deaf. But that’s the way I am.

For the record, I hate my anxiety and my hearing loss. But I know they will never go away, as much as I want them to.

FUCK STIGMA! A VIDEO ABOUT MENTAL HEALTH STIGMA — SUMMER STARTS TO SHINE

Watch and enjoy. Feel free to share if you like X This video is aimed at the sheep of society… and all of you who are sick of the sheep of society and all their stigma shit…

via FUCK STIGMA! A VIDEO ABOUT MENTAL HEALTH STIGMA — SUMMER STARTS TO SHINE

Here is the video link from Summer’s You Tube page, so you can watch, what did not show in above, as for some reason you can see it here, or visit her blog post to watch:

#IF DEPRESSION WERE A CHOICE — SUMMER STARTS TO SHINE

As you know from my post, just before, I created my own post of #If depression were a choice, which was inspired from this one, by Summer Starts To Shine. Do pop on over to Summer’s blog and join in, using the “#If depression were a choice.”

If depression were a choice, I wouldn’t be up at 5.21am posting, due to depression-related insomnia. If depression were a choice, when I’d have first tasted depression at the age of 16, I’d have realised “depression wasn’t for me” and I wouldn’t accept this hellish intrusion into my life any more. If depression were a choice, […]

via #IF DEPRESSION WERE A CHOICE — SUMMER STARTS TO SHINE

#If depression were a choice

I created this post after inspiration from blogger, ‘Summer Starts to Shine,’ where she created a post of the same name: ‘#If depression were a choice.

#If depression were a choice

If depression were a choice, I would not have witnessed as a child of the ups and very bad downs of my mum’s mental health. I would not have worried whether she would disappear again, like before.

If depression were a choice, after seeing how it affected me personally as a child and, also how it affects other people and their families, then I would not choose depression myself. Because after all, it is no fun.

If depression were a choice, I would not struggle to get out of bed some mornings, or sometimes worry about the day ahead.

If depression were a choice, I would not have wished at one time that I was dead and that I was of no use to this world.

If depression were a choice, then I would choose to not have depression. But unfortunately it is not that easy.

If depression were a choice, then I would not have needed the doctor, counsellor or my medication.

If depression were a choice, then my mind would choose to stop dwelling on things.

If the bad experiences of childhood (including bullying, if I did not have enough already,) and early adulthood had not happened, then I would be able to stop my brain having the memories of those days and re-living them.

Until you have been in my shoes, or other people’s shoes of people suffering mental health, then you do not know. So please do not judge.

What I experience to another person it is different. I know how my experiences affect me, but it does not mean I know fully how it affects the next person. I can only be there to support, or to just listen.

Receiving comments of the following I write below, that I have heard personally myself over the years, are not helpful at all.

  • You can choose not to dwell on things
  • It happened to you a long time ago and so you should put it behind you
  • There’s no point living in the past
  • Isn’t it time you moved on?

So until you have been in our shoes, suffered what we have suffered, you will not know how exactly how our past affects our mental health. So do not judge, but listen to our stories and try to understand how it affects us.

If depression were a choice, then I would choose not to have depression.