Recent thoughts

I have only spoken out loud to one person, (my mum) about what I am about to say now here and that I have been doing some thinking of moving to Derby one day. This is because unlike where I currently live, should I apply for a disabled bus pass in the future, the process is simple and it costs nothing. But it is not just because of that, also I have felt and wondered by just going to another area, just for that feeling of a complete fresh start. Anxiety has held me back many times in the past though.
As a deaf blogger one time, when I talked about the application I filled in and the difficulties with it because on the form it does not allow my audiologist to fill it in and so I have to go to my doctor which results in paying him the time to fill in the appropriate part of the form to prove my hearing loss. The trouble is, my doctor does not have my up-to-date hearing loss details, because at the end of the day it is my audiologist I see. Many of my deaf friends and deaf readers when I  used to write my deaf blog, who lived in other areas, informed me that the process I have to go through to prove my hearing loss, it doesn’t happen where they live. One blogger, contacted me personally and said where he lives, it used to happen and advised me who to contact to challenge them, as he did and he got it changed.
Many years later, I decided to do what I was advised, talking to a fresh-faced person about the matter and feeling confident something would get done. This was last year, back in March. Earlier this year, I emailed for an update and since voted that person in. But I have heard nothing. What was the point in me voting if you are like everyone else and don’t care? That’s what it feels like as I am kept in the dark. I feel ignored, which was also what I added in another email recently and waiting to hear.
As it is the General Election today, I won’t be voting who I was originally voting for, that this party recommended, as I will vote for someone who did help me one time on a different matter.

On the same disability matter regarding my hearing loss at work, I am coming across some same issues that I get every year. Now although nothing has been said verbal yet, fresh papers have gone up regarding certain training and my name is on them even though I have done them online, where I am allowed to do them. But as my name keeps coming up regardless, I won’t be surprised if they ignore the conversation and try it again and so I have contacted the same person at work who helped me before. I hope to hear from her later when she is back.

Those that know me well will know that I hate coming to work as it fills me with anxiety and dread. When I am out into another job, it won’t come quick enough, which comes to my next topic in this post. I have seen a cleaning job of 32 hours per week and although nights is not something I really wanted to do again, there is nothing stopping me and I cannot stop thinking about it, so I have applied. Wish me luck. 🙂

On the subject of moving to possibly moving somewhere new, are there readers here that have done it? I am particular interested in those who live on their own like me and have done this.

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The way I am

Anxiety has been there for most of my life because of never feeling like I fit in, or belong anywhere. This feeling, along with being made to feel different started when I was in Junior School. No one wanted me on their team, but obviously I would have to end up on someones team. Even when I shown how good I was at non-stop cricket one time, which they were stunned, it did not change their views. I still was not wanted. This carried on all through Comprehensive School, but in addition to bullying which was mostly verbal. I only experienced physical a few times to start with, which was just pushing.
Through working life, thankfully not every job I did not feel alone, or not belong. There has only been one area where I was judged before they knew me and where I work currently, there has been (or probably still is) judging when they don’t really know me, because now I don’t speak unless I really have to, due to past issues at work with bullying and other things. But this time I don’t care if they judge. It’s their problem, not mine. The few that know me, only know me because I know they won’t shove it back in my face later, otherwise I keep myself to myself, which pisses off the others, because they have nothing to gossip about.
Through the lovely people I have met along the way personally, they are in my life because they mean something to me.
New friends I made through a place I stopped volunteering at, because no opportunities happened in the months I was there, I try to meet up with them, when I can. A lovely group who I feel comfortable with and who are patient with me because of my hearing loss. But underneath, I still have a little anxiety at times, because that just seems to be me. I am also tired after and can’t wait to go home to re-charge, because of the effort it requires me to lipread. While I am there, when conversation is in full swing, unless someone near to me either side starts a conversation separately with me, then I stay quiet, because I do not know what is going on. I cannot follow group conversations at all.

I will try to travel somewhere new, but just because I do it, does not mean I am always anxiety free. Sometimes anxiety likes to pay a visit and I don’t know why I am having that moment.
If it involves more than two buses to somewhere new and I do not know where to get off, I simply can’t do it, as anxiety-wise, it’s too much.

If I go somewhere that involves a crowd, I get anxiety because of not knowing who they are and I can feel claustrophobic, depending on the crowd and the situation. Putting myself in the same situation, does not make it go away. It never gets any easier.

People have said to me that I look confident, when I have said underneath I don’t feel confident, or have anxiety.

If I am with someone I know, but someone comes up to us because they know the person I am with, I will stand back and let them talk. I tend to find I am quiet because I don’t know them, because I worry about possible communication difficulties I may have. This is just the way I am.

If a random person came up to me in the street, anxiety will be there, because again, I will worry about the communication difficulties I could have, because of communication difficulties I know I have.

You will not find me in a swimming pool, because to do so, I would need to remove my hearing aids. I will not be around people without my hearing aids, because of communication difficulties I would have and my anxiety would be high.

I could easily isolate myself if I allowed, so I don’t have to worry about communication difficulties.
To be ME and remove my hearing aids.
It’s so easy being on my own, to be me and just relax.
To be me without the worry of the communication difficulties, or the worry of being judged before you they fully know me.
To be anxiety-free.

How lovely it would be, to be without anxiety, as it would make my life so much easier. The same if I wasn’t deaf. But that’s the way I am.

For the record, I hate my anxiety and my hearing loss. But I know they will never go away, as much as I want them to.

Why I am back early from my blogging break

I have enjoyed my blogging break, but I have also partly missed it. While way, I have had a lot of ‘me time,’ just doing what I want to do, on my own. I have also enjoyed spending time with a couple of family members on days I have seen them.

I have some stressful times as you know, and while I have been away from blogging I have had some ups and downs. But most of these have been ups, as I shared in my first post back from my blogging break.
I have dealt with these ups and downs in ways that are suitable for me, to get it out of my system, which two of them being doodles and sharpie drawings.

I came back earlier to blogging than planned because I wanted a distraction from earlier that day. For two hours, I had to talk a lot about negative stuff with someone from Welfare Rights who was helping me with my PIP application. Like many others who are or were on DLA originally, regardless if you had it for life, we all have to go onto PIP. But if you want it, you have to apply for it. Luckily the person who is helping me with my PIP is the same person who helped me with my DLA. But regardless I am having help with filling it in, it does not make the process any easier.
Talking about all the negativity of your disability, so it is filled in properly on the form to get across to them looking at it on how your disability affects you is hard work. I cried at one point while talking about the negative effects of my hearing loss, saying how easier just being on my own can be, so I can just be me and take my hearing aids out.  Comparing to before when I applied for DLA and now for the PIP, there is a lot more down on paper. I was there for two hours. To say the PIP form is thinner than the DLA form I remember, there is still a lot of writing had to go into it.

Originally my DLA was just for my hearing loss, (although other things were mentioned, but not important then.) Now I have to talk about my depression and anxiety.

Although I left the place where I met up with Welfare Rights person better than during my session, I did start to feel tearful again while eating lunch in town. A place where I was going to have originally lunch in was very busy, so I went to another cafe very near by. I felt a little edgy where I choose to sit, with the cafe being in the centre of the shopping centre and choosing to sit on a seat around the edge. I should have really sat somewhere more in the middle, then I may have felt less edgy.
Before going home, I thought I’d pop into HMV and buy a couple of CD’s to hopefully cheer me up a bit. I bought Ed Sheeran, ‘Divide’ and Anastacia, ‘Ultimate Collection.’
It took towards the evening though, when I was working with my colleague, before my mood picked up much better.

Invisible illnesses do not make invisible people

Something I came across Facebook and I wanted to share here. There are many illnesses that are invisible, but because they are invisible, it does not mean our invisible illness are not easy. It does not make them any less.

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Just some examples of invisible illnesses are:

  • mental illness
  • dyslexia
  • hearing loss
  • Crohn’s disease
  • Fibromyalgia

As I have mentioned, this is just a short list and there are many other invisible illnesses.

9 things people who live with an invisible illness want you to know

I wanted to share the link below, after coming across it today via a friend’s Facebook page (and reader of this blog.) I came a cross a post, “9 things people who live with an invisible illness want you to know.” I thought I’d share it here with my readers, because for anyone reading this that does not understand mental health, or any other invisible illness, this does give awareness.

Clicking on “9 things people who live with an invisible illness want you to know,” it will take you to Metro’s website, where you can read this post.

An open letter to all airlines who serve passengers with invisible illnesses — THE DISCLOSED

I am re-blogging this post to help raise awareness for invisible disabilities. Please go and visit the original blog post to read the rest of this story and re-blog her post. Thank you.

People of all ages can get sick.

via An open letter to all airlines who serve passengers with invisible illnesses — THE DISCLOSED