My planned move

As I mentioned in my first post of the New Year, I hope to move one day into a one-bed property. By doing this, I will avoid the bedroom tax and on top of this, I shall move area. I know the area, so nothing scary about that, but as I mentioned to a few friends on my Facebook page last year, I feel it is not far way for me to feel a fresh start, as I would like.
Where I plan to move to (when something comes up,) it makes sense job-wise to live there, because one area I would prefer to be in, I would be making quite a trip if I was on the bus to get there for what is only a part-time job. The other area I have in mind would be a totally new start, as it would be miles away. (This could only happen if I win the lottery.)
So back to the reality of the area where I need to live, which I won’t disclose here, due to not wanting ex to ever know where I am. (The ex that I have mentioned this year, in a couple of posts, that was a shocking discovery and a disgusting one.) For my friends who are reading this post via my Facebook page, please don’t disclose my area in the comments section of this post via my blog post here, or via my post shared on my Facebook wall, with it being a public post. If I ever mention my area on there, it will be only with very close friends.
I had a lovely reminder from a friend, that there are some nice places around the outskirts of this city. I think this reminder will be a good reminder to have in my journal book. 🙂 So when something does come up one day and I have moved, once settled in, I will have to start planning the day out here and there as a tourist. I know there are lots of places or areas I have not seen, so I will make new discoveries. That has got to be enjoyable, right?

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I recommend watching film, “I, Daniel Blake.”

I recommend anyone watching the film, “I, Daniel Blake.” The film is about 59 years old carpenter; Daniel Blake, who after suffering a heart attack has to fight the system in order to receive Employment and support Allowance. daniel Blake also befriends a single mum who is also fighting her own battles with the system. I watched this last year on 16th November 2017.
It was after watching this film, that I was able to write the following on my Facebook wall, which I made public. This film obviously stirred up something in me, to find I could write what I shared that day. I share this here on my blog, that I written that day.

“I have watched “I, Daniel Blake,” this morning. If you have not seen this film, then I totally recommend for different reasons; if you are struggling yourself, knowing you are not alone, an inspirational film, truly hitting, inspiring.”

Although the film has inspired me, for my own personal situation, I still don’t have the energy to appeal. Too may things have gone on and I have to think about my mental health. To do that, means I am not appealing PIP.

But for people who have no choice, but to appeal and face hardship because of this system being so fucked up that someone who was denied ESA because they made them fit for work, regardless that medical people have said they are not fit for work, this film shows just what goes on in our country.

Today, this still happens and I would like every Government member sit and watch this film. I would like every person who works at DWP to see this film. The Government have created this mess, the DWP are of no help. You treat us as numbers, as service users still. But we are not. We are citizens as this film explains. Yet this is still going on.

I am one less person currently that you the Government and the DWP will be happy to hear that does not have the energy to appeal. I have too much happen to me in a short space of time and that is not including applying for PIP. I was given DLA for life, but because you created PIP, (this was just to save you money in your pocket, regardless what you say,) I now not seen worthy. My deafness and the difficulties remain the same. PIP does not support the deaf as it is made out to be. People that see you to assess you and make this decision are not qualified enough in my eyes to decide how to decide whether I am entitled to PIP or not and mess with my life.

There will be many more that will face possible hardship due to this fucked up system and I could be another to the system.

The Government and DWP don’t give a shit and as much as they try to say they do, sorry I don’t believe them, because I have seen it too many times where lives have been fucked up. There are also too may people now on the streets than I have ever seen and people using food banks. Seeing all this and my personal experience is proof how they don’t care.”

#IDanielBlake #PIP #disgraceful #welfarereform #DWP #Government

No longer having car lesson to pass my test

Following on from last nights post; “Is it worth me doing?” I have decided on no more lessons to try to pass my driving test. A particular person who supported me is fine with my decision after explaining my concerns. I won’t explain those here as I have already done that in the above post linked. So if you have not read that one, then do click on it. But I would like to say in this post, is thank you to my readers who supported me and gave me advice while learning to drive and for following my journey. I have already said my thanks to friends via my Facebook page, but as some of my friends will be reading here too, I will say thank you to you as well here. 🙂 The support you have given, has been much appreciated.

I will not forget the confidence that my driving lessons have given me and I will take that with me. I will also remember at times when at the beginning, I had no faith in my abilities while everyone else did, (including my driving instructor,) before I learnt to have faith in myself. I will remember that faith gained when I eventually got it and the patience from driving instructor. I recommend the driving school that I learnt with, whether you want to learn in an automatic car as I did, or in a manual car.

Is it worth me doing?

My brain is pondering tonight over something, that I have been thinking on and off since the New Year. Except the feeling is stronger tonight. It’s regarding aiming to pass my driving test. I wonder is it really worth doing, trying to pass my automatic driving test, when at the moment there is no way I can afford to run a car? I don’t see a future where I could ever afford a car. It’s not getting me down. So don’t you worry.
Let’s say I aim for a third, by the time I probably get to driving would be 2 years down the line. (If I am lucky to build my hours.) In between passing and officially one day driving for myself, I will have had no more driving experience on the road. That would mean my nerves would get more the better of me again.

Also, I may not be on much hours at the moment, but I don’t worry about money situations as things stand now, because all bills are paid and I manage to save. I live on my own and all bills are my responsibility, so I don’t need to share any costs and it means I have control to reduce costs. I consider myself very lucky.
I got rid of the TV originally to save money towards one day running a car and after no longer getting DLA after my PIP application failed, then there is less money coming in. But I will live and survive. I won’t be in debt and my bills will still get paid, so no worries. But I still want to downsize to a one bed apartment to make things better in the long run.
But if I had a car, (which I could probably afford to run once I am in a one bed apartment, depending on the rent,) I would start to worry about bills. I would manage, but the question how I would manage with cost increases, etc.. I may start to not do things as I do now. That would not be worth it to me, if that happened, because then I would be going backwards and there is no going backwards as far as I am concerned.
I have a disabled bus pass, so after 9.30am during the week as it currently stands, the bus costs me nothing. I have pushed myself to go to new places and increased my confidence in doing so. But already now, I have reduced this because of saving to learn to drive. There is no point me going a long distance somewhere for a day, if I have no money to spend on a cuppa. I need to travel to new places, to keep this confidence up, but I have held this off since my money changes. But my holiday to Brighton I hope to still do this year, that I saved up for before money changes happened. I am determined that this holiday will still happen, because this could be my last holiday while I live where I live.

My home studying has stopped because I put driving first. How long can I keep holding this off? There are lots of assignments and I have not done the first one yet!

So this is why I wonder if should aim for passing my driving test, when in the end it will more likely never get used. A family member said do it while you are young, as it gets harder when you are older. I feel it is already hard on the roads and with losing two family member last year to a car accident, this makes it more the why I am getting where I don’t want to drive.

I can see benefits of driving and I have enjoyed the experience, but also I am used to travelling the way I travel now. I have also had to walk it home before when buses have stopped because of the snow, or because a bus wasn’t running to where I was living at the time, after a certain time at night. Some have squirmed at the idea of me nearly taking 2 hours to walk home at night before because there were no buses and at one time when I could not even afford to pay bus fare. (Before I was deaf and got a bus pass.) I am used to this. I have had to do it.

At the end of the day, in my current situation, I have not had to worry about bills because I have adapted. But I can see being a car driver on part-time wages, living in the right affordable flat, will restrict me more than if I stay as I am. I am already experiencing it now.

Chit-chat – October

Learning

I received my certificate for Health Care (Foundation) with BSY, near the end of September, which I received ‘High Merit’ for. As for my other home study; pet sitting course, I took a break from studying to feel refreshed after the effort I put in with the two courses at BSY, now finished as you know, except for still sticking my head in books to help with my theory test and learning to drive. By the way, if you have not already seen this post; Theory test; attempt 2, I passed and my driving lessons are in November.

My hand

I have nothing to report about my hand much, as I am having a problem trying to get an appointment at the moment with the doctor, to see about results. I still have pain, but it has eased a bit, but it can still catch me out. I still use my pain-killing gel and take paracetamol. I have limited to how I use my hand, like making sure I don’t put any exertion on it, which I think has helped too in reducing pain.

My tooth

My tooth that has been a long wait for to have extracted, is on the 17th October.
When I have been taking paracetamol, it has not only helped my hand, it has also helped to reduce the pain on this too. It is very tender to touch around the right hand side of my face, near my nose. The pain or discomfort seems to transfer to my cheek bone at times too. I will be glad when it comes out. I have felt nausea at times this past fortnight and I am wondering if it’s the abscess that is making me feel like this.

PIP

PIP assessment is this week and I am hoping this time they don’t cancel, because if I arrive there to find it has like last time, I will write a written complaint. Not that I will forget the last time at this weeks assessment, as I shall raise it there at the appropriate moment.

The job front

I will be glued to my email inbox to see if I hear from either of the cleaning jobs I applied for. One of them does not have a closing date, but the other does, which was last Friday. If I am lucky to hear from them, 48 hours before interview day, then the interview will fall this Friday.

To stay where I am at the moment

As you know from my last chit-chat, I had extra worry when I heard my rent was going up, while making my way to my PIP assessment. The extra worry on top of losing PIP, made me feel sick. After chatting with the person who manages the property on behalf of the landlord, I felt happier and a little reassured. So it has taken a little pressure off. As tempting as I want to move from the area now, I did not want to do it while I have my cat Miley. So as I continue to live here for how ever long I have Miley, I don’t want to move until I am ready to downsize, because the type of property I would want, I would not be allowed a cat. But if it turns out I did not get anywhere with this job and I heard from the other one which is local, then moving out of the area would be rather a stupid idea, as I could walk to it and so if this happened, then I would downsize to a property in my local area, if possible, when the time came. Wherever my next move would be in the future, I will be picky.

Finding the balance

The urge to move out of my area, I don’t think helped with how I was through other stresses I had, that I have blogged about in past posts, that affected my moods and how I was feeling. Although I still have the urge to live in another area, it is not as strong as it was. I think if I am in a better job, everything would follow on ok and everything else would balance out. I have seen this, while I am lucky for it to be calm at my workplace and making sure I have my time out moments like I did on my D.I.Y. retreat.

I also learnt after my retreat, that I need to make sure I don’t drink too many lattes when out and about, (unless it is the decaf kind) because know that having more caffeinated drinks than I usually would when out, does not help my anxiety.
Looking back after my D.I.Y. retreat, I am aware before leading up to that, that I was drinking a lot of lattes more than normal which became my comforter drink. When I felt tired, down and stressed, I would make my way out for that smooth latte from my favourite place. I can remember that every sip I drank, I enjoyed, but I also remember how I felt comforted, which replaced sweet food. Either not good, when you have too much. I am surprised I did no give myself a migraine, (or bad headache) and nausea with how many I had a week. So now, when I go out, latte I still have, but depending on how many I have already that day, or that week, it may not always be my first choice.

I have taken timeout this weekend. Not a set schedule like the D.I.Y. retreat, but still doing something.
Saturday morning, after feeding Miley and having my breakfast, I read a book, then I went out to a coffee and cake morning that a local shop was having to raise money for Macmillan. I met my mum there and while there, I browsed the handmade gifts in the store. I bought something for myself and the other was towards a Christmas present, to go with something else I bought earlier on in the year. Me and my mum then walked back to mine and chatted back at mine for a couple of hours over further decaf tea and decaf coffee.
When my mum decided she was going to leave, to make her way back home, I decided to make my way to Nottingham for a bit. This was to do some Christmas shopping while I had the money, while soaking up the atmosphere. I was just down there for a couple of hours, before coming back home to have my dinner, then I relaxed with book.
Sunday, after my breakfast and feeding Miley, I continued reading my book while the washer was on. Basically just having a lazy day and nothing else planned.

My D.I.Y. Retreat Reflection Post

Since I have written this post, ready for schedule, some things have now changed after recent events. Please read till the end of the post and the writing in blue is my update. 

So these are my reflections I had during and after my D.I.Y. Retreat.

  • To not be hasty in choices where I live, no matter how desperate I may feel at times. I have always said downstairs flat, so I must not choose a studio flat, just because it was the only option going in a preferred area to live.
  • I may have to learn I won’t get the area I want to live in and so I may need to decide on another area not as far away, which has plenty of choices. But will it be ok and far enough away for me, from where I currently live? (Carry on reading this post, for my answer to this question.)
    Also deciding on this area may be better job wise, if I was to get a job in this area.
  • I need to try to stick it out where I live, while I have Miley and not move unless I really have to. I don’t want to stress her out. (It took her a month to like and settle in where I currently live.)

So what can I do to try to make it bearable, where I live?

  • Maybe start travelling to the next town that has more choices to live. I know the area to a certain extent, but I’m just not a regular there, so I need to start going that way for things I need. I can then hopefully see whether I could imagine myself living in that area, or not.
    When I pop out for lunch, rather than doing it in my area, go that way instead.
  • Although I hope to not be moving yet, I shall window shop places available and go that way to look from the outside, to just to walk round that area. By doing this, I can imagine if I could live there and imagine what it would be like when walking home there, in the dark. When the time comes to choosing and looking for real, I will know what I like and what I don’t.
  • When I feel really overwhelmed, as I did recently before my retreat, I need to make sure I take time out to pamper me. If I can’t do it over a weekend like I did this time, then at least a day. I know this is easier said then done though, after that trigger. But hopefully I can do it and be aware.

I still want to leave the area for the same reasons of living somewhere new, but the added pressure that was getting to me was knowing my rent was going up, on top of going through PIP, with DLA stopping and going to PIP and so money worries, until I am sorted job wise of some kind.
Now although my rent is going up and so there is a little added pressure still there because of the PIP worries, there is also a little pressure and concern taken off. After I seen the person who manages the properties on behalf of landlords, I did mention to him that I would have to start looking sooner than I like, if I find my rent goes up again next year. The bloke was great with me and said that if the landlord next year wanted to put the rent up again, he will warn the landlord that I will leave. He promised me it would not go up again after this time and he would not want to see me homeless. So I felt relaxed and reassured by this.
Ever since I have been in this current property, I have been really happy with who I rent with and he is happy with me. He knows I look after the property well and that I am a good tenant, so he is happy with that.

I also know when it comes to downsizing later, when Miley is no longer with me and a place where I can park a car, when the time comes, I know I can stay with this company and choose one of their available properties.