Chit-chat November

As this post airs, it will be under a month to Christmas. Lots of changes have happened to me this year, both good and not so good, as you have known if you have been a regular follower of this blog this year. One, I would not have expected, back in February.
It’s been strange, or a struggle to get my head around with all the emotions that came with these events.
I also feel further new chapters have come into my life, these last few months, more than I have expected and so it’s taken time to process, or still processing, as this post airs, because of the difficulties I have had at the same time. It’s like I wasn’t able to fully enjoy the good things, because of the distressing bad things. 

I treated myself to Queen Greatest Hits cd. I have always liked Queen for as long as I can remember, but it’s not until now, before getting round to having an album of theirs.
My dad liked Queen and it was through him liking Queen that I discovered their music. Thankfully, I like Queen for who they were and for their music and for Freddie Mercury.
Unlike when I was offered a particular baking dish from my mum some months back when she started clearing unwanted things, when originally we were going to move into together, I could not accept that dish, as I associated too much of my dad with it. As much as I remember enjoying my home made fruit crumbles with it, whether I was using it for school baking, or dad cooking with it, having that dish is too much to handle. I don’t even want to touch it. I remember my fruit crumbles for what it was; warm, comforting food. But not my dad. But the dish, I remember my dad first. I don’t want to remember that. So no, I don’t want that dish.

And I bought myself a pair of black leather lace up boots, or sneakers as the description of theirs says, from Ecco. They look like boots, but a slight more relaxed style, which I get on really well, as they are comfy. They would suit smart, or casual I think.

I sold my fold up bed, as it will no longer be needed. Only I ever used it when mum stayed over. No one else used it and there be no more sleep overs for mum. I know the person who bought it was very keen on having it and they were very happy when they both seen it.
My bedroom feels less cluttered for it and I have further plans to make my bedroom feel a bit less cluttered. (Not that anyone would say it’s cluttered now.) But there is no rush. When I find what I want, it will happen. It’s only a small change that will make a difference to me.

Reminder for my friends this Christmas

Even though I am now in an extra job and so no money worries like before, please can we just stick to Christmas cards this year. No presents please. I would greatly appreciate it.
Writing out Christmas cards is going to be difficult for me, but I hope to write them.

Now when it comes to particular family members, as readers who have been following for a long time will know, they don’t usually follow this request, when I once asked this before. But this year, they are going to respect my wishes of no presents this Christmas and just leave it to Christmas cards only. So I am really thankful and happy they will not buy this year.

Christmas Day, Boxing Day, New Years eve and New Years Day I plan to have on my own

I am not in the mood for celebrating Christmas. I will not be bah humbug. But I won’t be merry either. It’s going to be difficult more than I expected originally, as I am finding it difficult now, with the Christmas lights being on and all the other Christmas related stuff in town. My mood will be in the middle hopefully; just relaxing and enjoying the best I can. Well, trying to enjoy my own Christmas and through to the New Year, in some way.
It’s not helped by the year I have had. But I can’t put the all the blame on that, because for those that have followed for a year, or more will know the last 2 to 3 years I have not been bothered about it. It’s just with the events of this year, I’m not going to be jumping for joy, or celebrating.

For preparing my Christmas and through to the New Year:

  • I am stock piling my food for around this period.
  • I am also buying and saving some dvd’s to watch around this time too. (This is a hard one to not watch before. Lol.)
  • And I have treated myself to a Christmasy scented candle.
  • Whatever else I plan to do, will be what I have in my home already.

I will be on my own Christmas and Boxing Day, although my neighbour was hoping I join him Christmas Day. As I said to him and say here, I don’t plan to have it with anyone else. That is the plan and that is what I want to do. (Same with new years eve (in between shifts at work) and New Years Day.) I am not promising my neighbour, but if I did come down, then maybe half an hour to an hour, after my Christmas lunch. But I’m not promising.
I may do my morning walk Christmas Day, like I did last year, around the park, because I enjoyed doing that last year, making my Christmas routine different.

I don’t plan to have my Christmas tree up this year. My heart is not for doing that, but I may hang extra fairy lights up, on the wall. I shall see.

Just a few days before Christmas, I will be having Christmas lunch with my neighbour below and his family, at a pub, for lunch, after being invited a few months back.

Blogging break

This is my last chit-chat post for 2019, but chit-chat will resume in January 2020.

I’m also not posting anything else until next year either, as I take a blogging break.

I may possibly be quiet on WordPress via your blogs I follow, until I am back in January, posting. This is just to avoid Christmasy type posts and the Happy New Year stuff that will be floating about. But regardless how I choose to do my Christmas and New Year, please do enjoy yours.

Blog email notifications

I shall set my holiday notification for my break I intend to have, on the email account I use for my blog. So any emails relating to my blog won’t get answered until next year. (Unless of course your email falls under spam, or something else I don’t answer to.)
I do have friends that email and chat to me on this, so please bear in mind if you email during the period I have set my holiday email notifications for when I am away, that you will automatically get this reply. I will pop in from time to time to check for these types of emails, so I will reply back then. But just bear in mind it may not be soon as I usually would.

I wish all my readers a Merry Christmas and I will be back some time in the New Year.

No elves this year, as they are busy helping Santa.

So no Elf on the Shelf business here.
I leave you a photo of Bob, wearing his knitted jumper and trousers, which were kindly given to me some months ago, in addition to other clothing he could wear.
The elves had some clothes too. Maybe you will see them in theirs, if they choose to have a holiday back here, after helping Santa.

Bob says, “Why can’t we have Bob on a shelf?”

Bob the toy chimp, wearing a green and blue knitted jumper and blue knitted trousers

Dvd’s watched

  • Self/less
  • Cirque Du Soleil – La Nouba
  • The Cave
  • Unstoppable
  • Re-watched Fantastic Beasts and Where To Find Them
  • Re-watched Fantastic Beasts The Crimes of Grindelwald
  • Re-watched City of Angels
  • Case 39
  • Enemy of the State
  • Serenity
  • Dreamer
  • Venom
  • Valentine
  • London has Fallen
  • John Carter
  • And lots more… 

Next year, I plan to make one change to my blog. Currently, posts close to comments when older than 90 days. I am going to change this to 50 days. 

© Elizabeth Fisher and My Wellbeing and Learning Journey.

Unauthorised use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to My Wellbeing and Learning Journey with appropriate and specific direction to the original content. But Guest Posts that feature on my blog are not allowed at all to be duplicated.

Chit-chat

Chit-chat November airing tomorrow, which will be my last post of this year. Until then, I thought I’d air this chit-chat post.

My GP appointment and mum

I seen my GP as agreeded a fortnight after I last seen her. We chatted about how I am, anything regarding my mum, which she asked if there was a social worker that could deal with mum’s bungalow and her financial affairs? I said I doubt it, but could query this. So this led on to an email last weekend to say I wasn’t going to mum’s bungalow anymore, or checking her mail, with how I am and cutting ties with my mum for the time being. Adding that although I don’t plan to see her until she takes responsibility for her own health and accept help from health professionals responsible for her care, that I don’t mind receiving updates on mum’s care, or if any time they need to ask me anything.
I know I can handle this part, with doing this part before on my temporary break. I queried the Social Worker thing, that my doctor asked me and I heard about that today. They are going to get a Social Worker sorted for my mum, adding that they have made sure that they know I can only be contacted by email and was hoping this was fine in giving my email address to them, as they may want to get some information from me. I said that was fine, in an email back and I would help in what way I can.

I will see my GP again, in just under a fortnights time, which by then, I will be able to tell her about my counselling and fiill her in about how a Social Worker will be assigned.

I then raised my thoughts of cutting ties, here, on my blog last Saturday, as you know.

Counselling

My counselling started yesterday. The counselling is based at the counsellors house, in a small building on her property, seperate from her house. I was concerned knocking too early, because I didn’t want to clash with any other possible client. But that’s not the case, as she leaves a half hour window between appointments to avoid this.

So after paperwork was out the way and checking to see if I knew how many counselling sessions are paid for via the workplace, via EAP (employment assist programme.) Which turned out it’s 4, not 6 sessions. So I was told wrong originally by EAP. I tried to find that email to show who mentioned that, but strangely, all those emails are gone and just my replies remain. But I can get an extension, so I will allow that when the time comes, before I start paying my own.

When we got that out of the way, the counsellor told me a bit about herself, which I already knew, but didn’t say, when I looked up the counsellor myself, after knowing where my counselling would be. Then it was me to start talking in my own time, to talk about what has brought me to counselling.

My counselling I have chosen to have fortnightly, because if I feel I still need them when the time comes to me paying, fortnightly is all I am going to be able to afford. But my counsellor will text me next week, just to check in on me, to be sure I am ok.
If at anytime I need to contact her, I am to do so and if I feel I need an appointment sooner than the one I have booked, she would try and get me in sooner.
This was my safety plan because of how I am and how I have been, to ensure I am safe. I was encouraged by her, to not hesitate, should I need to text her.

 

© Elizabeth Fisher and My Wellbeing and Learning Journey.

Unauthorised use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to My Wellbeing and Learning Journey with appropriate and specific direction to the original content. But Guest Posts that feature on my blog are not allowed at all to be duplicated

Cutting ties

After my set back with my mental health after choosing to see my mum that time, when I called at the ward to deal with her financial affairs, I have decided to cut ties with my mum.
Whether this turns out to be permanent thing, remains to be seen.
But I know I have to do this if I am to move forward with life, to concentrate on me, to live and enjoy my life and keep my mental health, healthy.
I know how I improved, when I chose to take that break for a few months from my mum. But the minute I was back, it put me on a downward spiral.

Regardless mum doesn’t want me to visit her while on the ward, as she once texted before, little does mum realise that my feelings of not being around, came probably sooner.
Mum also still wanted me to do some things on that very short visit, which I said no, because one, you don’t want me here and so I can’t do those that you ask, as I would have to come back to pass them you back, when you do need them. And two, after today, I am not coming back.
I also reminded her that she would need her bank card to pay her rent while she was in, which I said she can do over the phone while here and I am sure the staff will assist you with that. That conversation followed by not trusting them… which I replied before going, that is what you are going to have to start doing from now on, because after choosing to stop taking your medication, throwing away your help and not helping yourself, I am not picking up the pieces no more. Which followed on with another response of, well I will just lose my bungalow. I’m not paying. I reminded her for the last time, do what you like, because as I say, I won’t be pickin up the pieces. It’s your mess.

The time that I choose to see my mum, is when and if it happens, that she is back living in the community with her support in place.
I also won’t visit immediately when this happens, as I will be leaving my mum be for some months, so that hopefully she gets the idea I won’t be there and she will use that support.
And when I am ready to visit, it will only be when mum invites. I’m not inviting myself.

Mum will have to realise that if we are ever going to have a mother and daughter relationship again, it’s going to take long and slowly does it work.

 

© Elizabeth Fisher and My Wellbeing and Learning Journey.

Unauthorised use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to My Wellbeing and Learning Journey with appropriate and specific direction to the original content. (But Guest Posts that feature on my blog are not allowed at all to be duplicated, as that is their copyright.)

Thoughts and feelings

Glad I don’t have children

One time, I always wanted my own child, or maybe adopt. But after the last relationship I was in, I knew it wasn’t going to happen. (I wasn’t going to waste my years in another relationship to not go somewhere.) I later learnt by accident via Google, that he turned out to be jailed after abusing a child, as my long term readers will know from when I blogged anout it here. So with the disgust of knowing that, which created my own triggers from past as well as new ones at that time of discovery, I swore blind no one would touch me again, as well as definitely staying single. Which that remains.

But with how things have been with my mum and how I am from the effects of it, I am so glad I don’t have children. What I have felt in my childhood and as an adult, would now be repeated and passed on in some form. I wouldn’t want to put them through it.

Lows and highs for today

I can only foucus only on a day at a time. Each day is a mental struggle. If I try to focus on anything more than a day, even for the positive things, I just find it overwhelming.

I have had a few little highs this morning, that just perked my morning a little.
After my morning job was done, I chose to walk through the nature reserve, as I was going to my local supermarket and there is way off the reserve that brings you to it. On my travel through the reserve, I seen a heron and oh my, I was really close. I have seen a heron before, but not as close as I was today. I wasn’t able to get a photo unfortunately, as it flew off.
My other pick me up was while I was in the supermarket. I came across an apple pie that was actually vegan and it wasn’t expensive. Which makes a change. It was under £2. I am going to be enjoying this with dairy-free custard today and tomorrow.

Photo of packaging of my vegan apple pie

 

© Elizabeth Fisher and My Wellbeing and Learning Journey.

Unauthorised use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to My Wellbeing and Learning Journey with appropriate and specific direction to the original content. (But Guest Posts that feature on my blog are not allowed at all to be duplicated, as that is their copyright.)

My dairy-free journey – Part 4

November time, because of how I have been feeling, I wasn’t thinking when I chose a chicken roast dinner, whether anything on it would contain milk products, until the plate arrived in front of me. But I thought bugger this, I was looking forward to a roast dinner and I was just going to eat it. So the things I ate, that contained milk to some degree, was a small amount of mash potato and a Yorkshire pudding. I enjoyed it and it didn’t upset me.

Another time in November, I called into a cafe for a mid snack, so I asked for a fried egg on toast. The toast had butter on. I was fine with that. But having butter on, is not something I want to keep on regular doing.

And another occasion in the same month, I had a chicken and mushroom pie. That, I think did upset me a little, because as well as the pie containing a little milk, the sauce of the filling would have too. It would have been more likely the filling, than the pastry, I think to have upset me.

At home, I continued to have dairy-free. It was just when I was out, that I allowed it.

In future, when eating out, which I don’t do often, I may allow some milk products into my diet, like when I end up with a chicken roast dinner for example. (The mash was only equivalent if a small scoop, but had it been more, I would have left it.) But I will still avoid the obvious when eating out, like cheese and cream products and that chicken and mushroom pie. And I am not going to start having puddings, or cakes etc… containing milk.

Also, both at home and when out, I am not going to start drinking dairy milk, have yogurt, dairy chocolate, or have dairy icecream products because I know if I introduced them back in, I would start to have phlegm problems. The reason I started cutting out dairy in the first place. So I continue to stick with my alternatives when at home, or out, or I drink black and I only have dairy-free cheese and ice cream.

So although at this point I have allowed milk into my diet, I have still cut a majority of it out and I will continue to do that, or go back to completly cutting it out. I will never add more back in than that.

 

© Elizabeth Fisher and My Wellbeing and Learning Journey.

Unauthorised use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to My Wellbeing and Learning Journey with appropriate and specific direction to the original content. (But Guest Posts that feature on my blog are not allowed at all to be duplicated, as that is their copyright.)

My thoughts

I am not going to go too deep in my thoughts, but lets start with when I first decided it was time for counselling. My private one I will be having in under 2 weeks, paid for by work. (Just 6 sessions are paid for by work.) When I filled the assessment form, it required next of kin details. For the first time I wrote none, because it’s not like my mum is available as next of kin. Mum can’t decide for herself, let alone me, if something came to the worst.

Maybe you are in a similar situation of having no next of kin. Maybe you have. Do feel free to comment.

So who do you put down for next of kin, when you have no one?

I know from researching and asking for advice back in August, that I am not forced to put down next of kin. So this looks like how it will be from now on for me and where I do know I have my mum down as next of kin on my records, I may start removing.

I had to visit the ward today so I could see a staff member in charge of my mum, regarding some personal affairs, after checking on her bungalow and mail today. I hope they will be dealt with. I hope they dealt with the other, because what I was reading today made me wonder.

I chose to see my mum, but told them how I have been and am at that point I was there. I only managed 5 minutes with my mum and it wasn’t a pleasant experience. In that 5 minutes mum spoke about:

  • Germs in space
  • Wanted me to save her savings book and bank card, which I said no, because she will need that. I have saved it before, for her. But I am not now.
  • Wanted to know how I knew she was there
  • Convinced she is well
  • Told me to keep away while she’s there like she told me to before. (Even though mum has tried to make contact in between.)

Mum is very unwell in the way I expected. I don’t know when my next visit will be, but it will be no time soon. I can’t see mum being home for Christmas and I still feel like I have no mum. A feeling that I have had for some time now.

Our relationship won’t be the same again. And that’s if there will be ever one.

I still feel there is a chance my mum won’t be around by Christmas, regardless she is in a safe place. The only comfort I have, is knowing my mum is in a safe place.

Now, after this post airs, I am dealing with all the charities that ask for fucking money, or send raffle tickets to sell. Mum has not helped half of these and there are charities that I have never heard of. But whether she has helped or not, I am fucking telling them where to go. Those that know the full extent of this and what mum does, will know where I am coming from. But mum is like any other elderly person in the UK ; more fucking charity mail on her doorstep than what should be expected on her doorstep.

 

© Elizabeth Fisher and My Wellbeing and Learning Journey.

Unauthorised use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to My Wellbeing and Learning Journey with appropriate and specific direction to the original content. But Guest Posts that feature on my blog are not allowed at all to be duplicated.

Following on from yesterday’s post

(This post comes with a trigger warning, as it discuses suicide.)

Following on from yesterday’s post, Counselling, I heard same day from a counsellor via the work programme, who texted me in the evening.
This person wanted to ask me a few questions, which I answered and to see how I was feeling.
Most importantly, because of mentioning suicide on the assessment form, this person wanted to know if I felt safe that night and asked if I had any plans to end my life. Which I said I was feeling low, but had no plans to, because I don’t want to hurt my friends, like my mum has hurt me.
A few more questions were asked and I was given a couple of places I could use, should I need to use them in a crisis. So I have these details on my phone and on paper, should I need to, quick to hand.
I was also asked if it was ok for them to contact my GP, asking if the GP knew of my suicidal thoughts. I said how my GP knew of my difficulties, but not suicidal thoughts, because then, I did not have them.

Today, I heard from my doctors surgery and I had an appointment made in the afternoon to talk about my feelings.
This GP I had not been before and so another doctor I like at this practice. I see her again in a couple of weeks, to see how I am doing. Hopefully, I will already be having counselling, so she can see how I am doing with that and go from there.

The person who contacted me from the programme will keep me updated with anything I need to know, along with when they source me a local counsellor, which they usually get set up within 10 days.
Until I see the counsellor, the idea is using either of those contacts, if I have a crisis. Both available 24 hours a day, 7 days a week.

My doctor I seen this afternoon also said should I feel worser that I feel I can’t cope, to come in sooner. Until then, we talked about the things I do that help and if I have anyone I feel I can talk to, etc. How walking is good for mental health, which I do.
Also, while I am as I am, it would be best not to see my mum, till I felt more better and to not feel bad about it. To do it when ready, as to keep me safe.

 

© Elizabeth Fisher and My Wellbeing and Learning Journey.

Unauthorised use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to My Wellbeing and Learning Journey with appropriate and specific direction to the original content. But Guest Posts that feature on my blog are not allowed at all to be duplicated.

Counselling

So as you know, I am waiting for counselling on the NHS after my difficulties of this year, messing with my own mental health. I have already been waiting over 2 months for my assessment. (I thought it was getting on 3 months.)

Via a programme that I automatically have access to, as part of me being an employee with my evening job, counselling services is one of them.
I started wondering that if I contacted them, would I possibly get in quicker? So I queried. It turns out I would, because as soon as I have filled in my assesment form, they will source a counsellor within 10 working days.
So I have filled in my form and sent it back in an email today.

 

© Elizabeth Fisher and My Wellbeing and Learning Journey.

Unauthorised use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to My Wellbeing and Learning Journey with appropriate and specific direction to the original content. But Guest Posts that feature on my blog are not allowed at all to be duplicated.

A quick chit-chat

With it now getting colder for some time, this fleecy blanket has not been far away in my living room to grab and put over my legs. A blanket that I have some years and that is very cosy, which was a Christmas present.
Sometimes, this has been draped over the bottom of my bed.

Pink on ine side and floral on the other

I had been looking at unblocking my mum’s number from my phone today, but I have kept it blocked, because I could not set it as I would like.
I wanted to allow the texts to come through, but not the calls. There is no option this way, other than you either block, or unblock a number. I will have to just keep an eye for the notification of an attempt and check in case there is a text.

A very small part of me wants to send a text, but it’s causing huge anxiety at the thought of it.

I am still waiting to hear from the counselling services and I have a feeling I am going to be waiting much longer than before. This was to have a face to face assessment with me not using the phone.
I decided to query via a company programme that I have automatically with my evening job, to query about their counselling, in case I am likely to get in a bit quicker with these. 

Coming back from work this morning and I seen a man walking in shorts!

Anyone else daring to wear shorts, when it’s cold?

 

© Elizabeth Fisher and My Wellbeing and Learning Journey.

Unauthorised use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to My Wellbeing and Learning Journey with appropriate and specific direction to the original content. But Guest Posts that feature on my blog are not allowed at all to be duplicated.

Blog post re-share: SILENT WARRIOR

I hope my friend Lorraine does not mind sharing this post. I share this because it is so true and I have felt like this too for so long, but I just could not find the words, like Lorraine has done with this post. Do read this post and while you are over at her blog, take a read of her other blog posts.

We live in a noisy world. Full of activity, with little silence. So much talking, so much shouting, so much assertion of self. In some ways all of that is necessary, but we have become so accustomed to all of this that we often fail to see the things that are going on in silence, in the darkness. Here, battles are being won. Here, huge triumphs are taking place. The quiet, unassuming person sitting next to you – would you know what battles they have fought and won? Would you know what triumphs they have embraced?

Everything does not have to be done noisily, with great shouts of acclamation. Respect the quiet person sitting next to you for they may be a silent warrior who has fought and won many battles.

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