It’s the weekend

I plan to do some Tai Chi this weekend. I have failed to have some routine with this and have not done any since I last mentioned I done some.

I plan to also watch some dvd’s and get familiar with my Dremel mult-tool kit, I purchased earlier in the week.

I may bake, if my mood takes me. I would like to do two varieties of shortbread at least. Original and the other being mixed spices. If I choose to make a third variety, then it will be be chocolate. But it will depend on if its a cool day. I don’t want to be baking too long, if it’s hot and sticky.

And if it’s not hot and sticky, then 2 hours at the most outside, probably chatting with the neighbours.

So a bit of a varied weekend, at a gentle pace.

What’s your weekend plans?


© Elizabeth Fisher and My Wellbeing and Learning Journey.

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An interesting morning

Rescued this, from inside one of the buildings I clean, this morning. Not something I would expect to come across, while there.
I took the photo after I released it.

At first, I thought it was a cricket, but crickets have long antennas and grasshoppers have short antennas. So it looks as though its a grasshopper, after looking it up and realising the difference.

dav

I am hoping it doesn’t find its way back in, because as I encouraged it to move away from the building, it decided to turn around and move towards the building again.


© Elizabeth Fisher and My Wellbeing and Learning Journey.

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The positives I think to try and outweigh the negatives

So, in The day that comes when it’s time to leave this earth. I won’t fight it. I revealed how I still feel.

For some of you that know me well, may have found that hard hitting to read. It may have shocked. But this is how I feel and have felt for some time. Its not a daily thing. But when these feelings crop up, they come up dam hard and strong.
When I written that post earlier today, I written and aired it on one of those dam hard days, to show my readers and to try and be honest when it comes to bad days.

Now the positives I do think of and remind myself of, when I have these difficult, or dam hard days. The following positives to coincide with previous post I shared. So you will need to read the previous, to get where I am coming from now.

I am just going to save

I am not going to think about my end goal. My dream. This is because it is slipping much further away. Its not going to happen in the next year and not going to happen in 2 years either. But I don’t know after that. I am just going to save and watch my savings grow. I won’t think of the dream, until I am there at that point of savings. I am not going to look at any goals set before. They are gone. I am just going to watch my balance.

I am only focusing on today

I am only focusing on today. Alot has been focusing on the future, from last December to now. Focusing on the future and the dream was really good for me, as it gave me an incentive to keep moving forward. But now that dream, is just a dream, so I can’t focus on this now.
I have to focus on present. I have not given up on my dream. But I have to stop focusing on something that isn’t going to happen in the next 2 years, or more. It’s not having a positive effect on me anymore, because I feel stuck. Feeling stuck, while everything else that is going on, makes me feel worse.

Focusing on today, is all I can do, to make things easier.

I’m halfway there

I have the job I always wanted to work for, even if its getting tiring and draining.

I have my morning job, the additional job to help me get by, money wise and to be comfortable.

Both are good employers, I remind myself.

I just want that house!

I am valued by both, regardless of the company that has no respects of communual toilets it shares and those who use it, or clean it.
How they leave the toilets shows what they are like. Not me.

Where I live may be looking more longer than planned. But I am going to have to get used to it. I can’t afford to move renting wise and mentally, I couldn’t tackle another upheaval.

I have to remember the views I fell for.
The connections I have with some of my neighbours since. Something I feel is rare to find.
Also, they are happy knowing I ain’t going anywhere anytime soon.

I shall keep doing, what I am doing; the chats outside with these two neighbours. The cuppa with one of them, at mine.

Focus on enjoyable things

I have my hamster. But I don’t plan to have anymore after him, or any other pet while living here. The flat is too hot for that.

Enjoy my dvd’s.

Enjoy company of neighbours, as mentioned.

Try and get back into old hobbies that have been pushed aside.
Maybe start a new one.

These are just some of the things I tell myself, at times like this, to keep going. 


© Elizabeth Fisher and My Wellbeing and Learning Journey.

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The day that comes when it’s time to leave this earth. I won’t fight it.

As much as I have looked forward to my future, I still feel the same.

What’s the point working for something hard, for it to slip through your fingers?

The idea of buying a house remains a dream. I am in no position to make it real next year. Without that dream being reality. The other I have of growing my own food, to save money, does not happen.
As much as I have changed my goals to make it more achievable, something comes to take it away.
And now after looking today, that dream slips further away, because now I need to save more than my original plan.

Do I just say fuck it and rent a house instead? I don’t want to be in this flat longer than a year, let alone 2 plus years? 

As much as I love my mum, I still feel the same that she should not have had me. And that is why I will never have children. I won’t pass on the same fucked life I have had. And it would have happened, had I already had a child. Just minus the dad part that I had.

Evening work is too much. Its tiring me and I don’t want to work there no more. I feel like the other cleaners now, who felt like that already when I first started. I feel dread in going.

And my morning job, the communal toilets I clean, there’s one lot of toilets that the way I find them, it’s being done deliberately. No respect for other businesses that have to use the toilets and it makes me feel low and worthless.

I think why bother?

Post that follows on from this:

The positives I think to try and outweigh the negatives


© Elizabeth Fisher and My Wellbeing and Learning Journey.

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It’s the weekend

With being really drained and partially burnt out, I don’t have any particular plans, then to veg out on the sofa.
My entertainment will be dvd’s.

Whether I will have an hour, or two outside over the weekend, I don’t know. I shall see how I feel. So if a particular neighbour, who does it for fun, his sulking technique, because I decide not to be outside chatting, he will have to sulk.
I just want to switch off this weekend and be in my own world.

I hear it’s going to be a heatwave this weekend. It was already feeling like it yesterday. So ice bottle was in use for my hamster, outside his cage.
I will have ice lollies to suck on, at my hearts content today and I won’t be surprised if its ice bottles for him, today and tomorrow.
Maybe ice-cream for me too.

What’s your weekend like?


© Elizabeth Fisher and My Wellbeing and Learning Journey.

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Chit-chat extra

My favourite recipe is shortbread biscuits. I’m never bored with them.

A life lesson I’ve learned, is look after yourself first.

My scariest experience, are escalators and when I went on the ones in the London underground, I had never been on ones on those scale – long and high.
I was up and down these on several ocassions and getting more terrified.
The ones in my local area and Nottingham are much shorter and I can’t even go down on those. I have been on them many times, as a habbit to conquer my fear.
I can go up willingly, even though there may be anxiety, or a little fear. But the fear never goes coming down on one and after once stopping myself from falling forward once, or twice, that was it. I wasn’t going to attempt any further in trying, after 6 months of continous trying. So going up is all I do. But never down. I use stairs, or a lift.

My inspiration to blog was theraputic first.
Then what I shared, I learnt helped others.
It helps me to communicate with my friends, as well as share in general with you readers.

I have made friends with like-minded bloggers and a supportive community of bloggers, as well as enjoying what other people write and communicate with them at their blogs.


© Elizabeth Fisher and My Wellbeing and Learning Journey.

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Update

Left my feedback regarding the mental health ward, with CQC. (Care Quality Commission.)
Gave praise for care first, before revealing the missing items and observations and, what I felt about that.

From Social Worker chasing this up at mental health ward, she found there was no inventory on discharge (but I wasn’t expecting that they would have one) and the staff say that my mum has been putting her stuff in the bins and so trying to stop her with that and apparently going in other people’s belongings. Now I know my mum’s mental health is at the worst than I have ever seen in my life, but on the basis of November, my mum was still protective of her few belongings in her handbag, hence she wanted me to look after a few of her things. But I wouldn’t, because of the situation and how I was with my own mental health.

The handbag mum came with when she first arrived at care home, has been found and so a photograph was taken and attached to email. (Only because yet again I chased up about this, saying I need to know by tomorrow, has it been found? Or are you still looking? Or are you going to confirm it’s lost? So we can call it case closed.)
I have never seen this handbag before and wasn’t the one mum had on her in November.

I am hoping the communication improves at care home, to never have to put in a formal complaint.

I am now asking questions about how mum has been at the care home, due to mental health ward claims, as well as another query. They have not had mum go in other rooms and take stuff, so they have no concerns there. Mum has only taken things that belong to the care home itself, that were in the communal areas.
I plan to ask further questions about the care home itself, to know them better. So I hope by doing this, it gives a better rapport; working with them. Not against them.

Remaining furniture will be removed from mum’s place before end of month is out.
I have the two items I wanted, brought back to my flat today. The other few left, charity will collect.

I had to have an hours sleep this afternoon, because of exhaustion. If I could choose not to go to work this evening, I would and instead would prefer being in my joggers and sleeping more. The dvd I tried watching prior, I will have to watch again, because of not having any concentration for it, or nodding off.


© Elizabeth Fisher and My Wellbeing and Learning Journey.

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It’s the weekend

Update since this post, My feelings – Part 11. Police can’t help at this point regarding missing items, as it appears items are lost at this point. Until mental health unit have exhausted all enquiries. When I have heard and I’m not satisfied they are lost, I can contact them and report them stolen.
I think next week, I shall contact the chap from housing and let him know, who I was in email communications with, after making sure they knew about mum. Tell him my concerns that I don’t want mum billed for something that wasn’t her fault. But also I know they wanted to put a new door on originally, so I am hoping that is on the cards when I am able to hand the bungalow keys back. He will be able to forward my email to person, who would need to know.

This morning, I spent the morning at my mums bungalow, cleaning the kitchen completely.
I wouldn’t usually choose to do my weekend like this, but I know if I try and do this between my jobs, I am just exhausted and I feel rushed.
I even had a taxi there and back, just to make it easier for myself. I could have come back earlier than I did, but I booked taxi times in advance, so I don’t struggle on the phone, as well as no rush and clock watching.
I book via email with my local taxi company, a little in advance, as so to give them chance to see the email. I’ve not long being doing it this way and it works out great.

I took tuna sandwiches to munch on, while at bungalow and a protein bar.

As soon as I was back at home, I made some lunch extra lunch for myself, a pizza, then I sat outside.

Later, I had some oven chips.

Tomorrow, my plan is to bake a sponge cake, in the morning. The one with the mixed spices, as I did last week.

If weather nice, I shall also sit outside, for a bit, then maybe a dvd later. If weather not nice, reading and dvd’s.

So although a little busy Saturday morning, I made sure the rest of the weekend was mine.

What’s your weekend plans?


© Elizabeth Fisher and My Wellbeing and Learning Journey.

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My feelings – Part 11

As you know, I am trying not to blame myself for not taking some of mum’s important belongings for safe keeping, back in November.

And as you know, I wasn’t comfortable on the idea of not notifying the police, as soon as I became aware of missing items, all because I wanted to give a chance of the nursing home to answer my questions and do their own investigation accordingly. But also, as I got my mum’s Social Worker involved, I wanted to see if she could help and to give her a chance on chasing up. The mental health ward being her next step.

But this morning, using the only email I have for Ashfield area, I have emailed the Neighbourhood Policing Team. Even if they can’t do anything themselves, they be able to direct me in the right direction of an email accordingly, having connections.
Due to it not being monitored 24 hours a day, it can take 14 days for a reply, it said in an automatic email.
I have emailed the Social Worker, to let her know I have done this.

I am tired and fed up. Fed up with evening work, that continues to drain me. Fed up of other happenings at same work place, that I have also complained about. I plan to take a nap this after this post airs.


© Elizabeth Fisher and My Wellbeing and Learning Journey.

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Remembering to give time for me and finding the balance again

As you know during the time I have written this blog, if you have been a long time follower here, I have learnt and practised giving myself self-care.

I have learnt as an introvert that I must have ‘me time,’ so I can feel recharged, without feeling guilty for that. But the additional practice of self-care I would talk about here, was an additional learning curve. Things I do are either what I have come up with, or what I have thought, ‘oh that’s a good idea,’ when reading other people’s blogs on self-care.

Before the issues with mum’s mental health decline, I learnt about finding the balance for me, as part of self-care.
A little slip up didn’t hurt. But if I totally neglected myself, then the way I would feel and possibly behave, would be that reflection of not looking after me.

Last year, I had given only a little time for me, but I let it slide more, because of worrying about mum and looking after her.
Eventually, when mum decided to start pushing away part of a care team, that did not go down well with me. Tensions showing. I certainly made it known to mum, that living with me one day, when originally we were going to do this, that throwing away her care team, was definitely not part of the deal. She needed to still work with them, because although they were there for her, I felt supported too, because I knew I could approach them if need be.

It was soon after this, when further changes with mum’s mental health for the worst, that I was starting to not have the energy, or motivation for me, let alone anyone else and my mental health declining as well. Then as you know, I had to have a temporary break. Mum’s support team being made aware of this and so keeping an extra eye on her, while I concentrated on me.
I wasn’t long being in a place I thought I would never be and that was being suicidal myself.
I got my own private support due to the counselling provider on the NHS failing me, yet again. (Same as before: disability access issues.) I will always use this private counsellor from now on, whenever I need her.

The temporary break, turned into a longer break and without pressure, after being contacted by her Social Worker this year, I got involved a little, because the choices being made for mum, in her life, were very important decisions.
With mum not expressing her feelings in those decisions due to her mental health decline, then it was better if someone who knew her better than them, to make those important decisions, if possible. Those important decisions being preferences/her wishes if she had any, regarding care homes.

Now, as you know, I am in the process of filling in necessary forms for Court of Protection, with the help of a solicitor, to look after her financial affairs. A new learning curve in my life, that I never thought I would have to do.
I know I don’t have to do it, but there is no way the council are going to be in charge of looking after her finances, due to being no one ekse.
Mum always trusted me with her money, when need be. So I feel I have the duty to, because I know this is what mum would have wanted.

There are then changes at my evening job and they keep changing still. I have not got a clue anymore as in what I should be doing, because of my memory.
Let’s not forget recently  when I posted about communication issues there.
So this area is stressful in my life too.
We still have too much to do and with changes happening again, it’s not just me that doesn’t have a clue and getting stressed. Regardless boss saying to us, do what you can with an ever growing area in front of you, it still doesn’t help. Especially when we are in a time as we are where cleaning should not be neglected and I feel it is, because of what we can’t do. That’s not my way of working at all.
I actually can’t wait to be on annual leave, from this job at the moment, with how I feel.

Due to new responsibilities coming my way and as I have shared recently, I have created an extra system in what I do to help with possible future queries, issues, as well as when I fill in forms as part of my deputy duties, when that time comes.

I have slowly slipped in the last few weeks for me, because of focusing on this system and the other things I have had to do in between. Not forgetting also mum’s missing items.
It’s a reminder to me how easily it can happen and a reminder to focus on me and make sure I take time, for me.
So I am making sure I find and practice finding my balance again, on my self-care.


© Elizabeth Fisher and My Wellbeing and Learning Journey.

Unauthorised use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to My Wellbeing and Learning Journey with appropriate and specific direction to the original content. (But Guest Posts that feature on my blog are not allowed at all to be duplicated, as that is their copyright.)