The atmosphere

The atmosphere at work seems to be there still and again, at end of shift, someone does not seem to have their sense of humour, so she snapped and left me feeling upset. Not that she probably noticed, as I kept quiet after that and left her to it still muttering, while I watched, before leaving the room. (Before, on  another occasion, it was me that snapped, because I was sick of being dragged into the other thing that has caused this atmosphere, that I cannot go into.) Along with how I am feeling as a HSP and also the sensitivity to sounds I am having at the moment, that did not also help.

As I mentioned in comments on another post, that something went off at work causing now what is an atmosphere. As a HSP, I struggled with this and I talked in earlier posts how I craved my week off for quietness, which I had.
Also prior to my week off and coming back, I decided to take myself away from it by sitting somewhere else, till time for work. If I did not do this, I made sure that I arrived at work enough to put my tabard on and my safety shoes, so that by the time I’d done that, it wouldn’t be long before time to start. Doing this, helped me to not pick up all this atmosphere, which I felt closely I would feel the need to be off work sick otherwise, if I didn’t.

Slowly, the past week, I have been rejoining. But I can tell it’s still there and after tonight, I am upset. But I am reminding myself that she is upset for whatever her own personal reasons, whether be it work issues, or what started the atmosphere as a whole for all of us and that I am sensitive to all this, down to me being HSP.
I remind myself as I am at home tonight feeling upset, that this will pass. That I love my job and it’s just the atmosphere that is spoiling it.
But next week and onwards, I plan to be there just to work and only speak when it’s to do with work. If I am earlier than expected, I will go back to sitting by myself, only speaking to certain colleagues individually during shift, in passing. I don’t want to be dragged into this atmosphere. I have had enough. I am there for work, nothing else.

Chit-chat December

Books

After reading ‘Sea Change,’ by Robert Goddard, I finished off reading, that I started a couple of months before, ‘The Richest Man In Babylon,’ by George S. Clason. I downloaded this for free, from somewhere, as a PDF file on my phone. This was a book that some of you may remember, that was recommended to me via one of my frugal posts.
It took a little motivation to read it and I could not believe what I was reading. It’s true, for an old book, it can be applied to modern times. I see why this book is popular.

The next book I started reading, that I have mentioned before, was ‘Forgive Me,’ by Lesley Pearse. I have been fully gripped by this book from the start and I read it within the week. I plan to read more, from this author.

Benefits

Due to low-income and within a certain threshold of savings, I am entitled to help still. I delayed sorting it because I was mentally drained with moving and from sorting out the gas issue I had. Near the end of last month, I applied for my council tax, but learnt for the housing benefit part, I would have to apply for Universal Credit for that. Alarm bells ring for me when I hear the word Universal Credit, because I do not trust it at all. On top of this, you hear other negative stuff about it.
Although I wasn’t going to apply, I created my account and went through the application, just to see if my views would change and to see if something I wondered on, was true. After filling in and checking the information I gave, I hit the submit button, (or whatever it was) and the next page that came up, said to receive Universal Credit, I would be expected to seek more working hours, as agreed by my workcoach, or words similar to that. You check the box if you agree and submit. I did not. Instead I logged out.
I am all for wanting more work, but I won’t be bound under their pressures and targets to receive help with my rent. I would rather my money be tight and seek another job in my own time, than their standards. I won’t have unneccessary stress for it. It would be like signing on the dole again.
And don’t forget, because my hours change each month, depending on if overtime is more or less, or no overtime at all, I have to make sure I am totally on the ball letting them know of this, while writing down what ever work I have to hunt for in what ever way, they want me to. To me, that is not worth the aggro.

As for looking for work, if I do see any jobs going that interest me and it involves weekend work, I’m not going to say no to it anymore. As I said in Looking for that extra work, from chatting with that person about this and how I always did not apply, because I held off to keep myself free for them, I will now not hold off any longer, now I know she understands and is fine. Not wanting to see me short. So as I said in that post, which you will not have seen in your reader of your dashboard, as when I hit publish, it did not air on the actual date I wanted it to air and for some reason it aired on an earlier date, so not visible for the day it should have done. (One of them days again.) So you might like to read that post.

DVD’s for Christmas

End of last month, I bought a couple of DVD’S to watch over Christmas. I bought, ‘The Old Curiosity Shop’ and ‘A Christmas Story.’

That’s all I have for this chit-chat post and an early one too. 🙂

Chit-chat pets – How having pets changed my life

Feeling alone as a child because of being bullied, not feeling I belonged and not many friends, having pets were my lifeline, as a child.
Budgies were first, then canaries. Then later, when I was 9 years old, I had my first dog, a collie cross, who I named Brin.
I loved taking him for walks. I was always out with him and I loved the responsibility of looking after him. He was my best friend. The story as you know if you are a regular reader becomes sad later, which I won’t repeat here, as there are posts on here, that I wrote as I dealt with the trauma it left me with as an adult.

My next pets were cats in my teens. We had two kittens. First one a tabby who we named Lucy, then 6 months later, we owned a black cat who we named Smokey, because of how her fur shown different colours in the light.
Lucy disappeared at the age of 3 years old. I still say she packed her bags that day, after she hissed and growled at Smokey for the first and last time. (Smokey was domineering.)
I then had Lady, a stray, who was a tabby. We came across her, while searching for Lucy. Smokey soon realised her domineering days were over. They each knew to keep away from the other, while living in the same house. Lady came with me when I moved out into my own place. I knew for a long time before Lady came along that Smokey could not come with me. My mum loved her and although Smokey enjoyed her fuss from me, she was a mummy’s girl. So it was best she stayed with her. But by the time I moved out, it was some months or a year before when Smokey had to be put to sleep, due to her health deteriorating further.

Lady seemed to be aware of my deafness I learnt, as we lived together. She’d let me know when the post arrived. For how long she had been trying to tell me this, before I realised, I don’t know. For this, it meant Lady was even more special to me.

When Lady passed away, it took me nearly 4 years, before owning another cat, which was Miley. Miley had to be put to sleep this year, in March, as you know,after her not being well. She had cancer, for those new to this blog.

In the time of Lady’s passing and before acting Miley, I owned a hamster, who I named Bubbles. For a little thing, I felt huge love off her.

Owning pets has given me a reason to live, while something to care for. At very difficult times as an adult, when I used to find it difficult to get up in a mornings, by owning a pet meant I had to get up. After all, who is going to feed them otherwise?

Difficult nights, with a cat who was there when I got home from work, was comforting. I would feel happy again even, especially when receiving love off Miley in particular. She soon put a smile on my face.

I don’t seem with it

The last few weeks have been mentally and physically draining. You will have probably picked that up in my posts as you read them, even when I did not say it.

I talked about how I was so Craving quietness.
I was craving it badly that final week at work and after a week off, for the first time ever, I did not want to go back. Now I love work still, so don’t get me wrong. At work that has been a little trouble going on, which I cannot go into and I won’ go into detail. It’s not directly at me and it’s not my employer causing it. But what has been going off, has affected the atmosphere due to this incident. It wasn’t quiet at work and the tension in the atmosphere was high and there still is tension. I dreaded going back after the quiet week I craved and my mood was very dark Monday. My mood is a little better but not much.

As I have been learning and as I mentioned here, I am a ‘Highly Sensitive Person’ (HSP) I discovered. With how I have been the last few weeks with the slight difficulty in the moving process, the tiredness both physically and mentally, I am really picking this up at work and it is affecting me. Yesterday, I found I was struggling walking at times, feeling like my legs were going to go from under me. My muscles not wanting to hold me up. This is one of the effects of stress. Not had this for a long time, to that extent and I am hoping my body does not do more of this.

Today, I am a little tearful, after calling into my bank and I have decided to call into a cafe before going home for a drink and then I will be sitting down with my bank details, checking where I went wrong and correcting my workings. I called into the bank because I noticed my standing order for my rent was returned. Looking at my balance, it looked like there was sufficient funds and I was fuming that it had been returned. After the bank looked into it, it turned out a payment elsewhere I made was put first (which that’s fine) and standing order returned, as there would have been insufficient funds. Thankfully no charges. I am usually very good when it comes to my own money, making sure I have sufficient funds and I thought I had made a note of this in my folder, so when I am home, I will be seeing if I did make a note of this other payment or not. And then I will be just having my quiet. I thought I was with it now, but obviously not.

My mood is not also helping with my sensitivity to sound I am having. I have finally got round to emailing my audiologist yesterday, so hopefully, I will hear of an appointment soon with a particular audiologist.

Looking for that extra work

In What excites you about the future? I talked about how I need the extra hours and how nothing came up suitable, as it would clash with when I would do overtime at the weekend at work, on jobs I had seen.
Today, I had an opportunity to discuss my concerns with the one who is in charge of us. She told me not to worry if I found work that involved mornings on a weekend, as something would be worked out when it came to using the machine to scrub floors. She said to me, not to struggle money-wise by holding off jobs I would have been fine with. She totally understood. So if I find a morning cleaning job and it includes/involves weekends, I shall go for it, if it sounds right. I was going to leave proper job hunting I had planned until after the New Year, with the exception of those that come in my email inbox. (Job alerts.) But now I shall start contacting all different businesses near where I live, sending them my CV and see what happens with that, while also keeping an eye on those email job alerts.

What excites you about the future?

This question, “What excites you about the future?” is something I have had in the ideas section of my folder for my blog, for some time. It’s a question I look at time and time again, that I feel I can’t answer fully. I have nearly crossed this idea off my list, but here it is, now aired.

Can I answer it now?

I can in some way, but I still feel my feelings on this question, don’t feel right.

What excites you about the future?

For me, I was excited about the future the minute I started working where I am. Further excited when I got to live in Mansfield and finally leave Sutton-in-Ashfield behind.

I feel contented now I am living in Mansfield and it has made more of a positive effect on me, than I realised it would. I love my job still, but the regular hours and possibly more I was hoping to get there, has not happened. Words said in the past, has not happened. It feel I’m still just surviving, while on low hours and I do need something else in a morning. On the job hunting front, it has been quiet, or it has clashed with my current job.

I’m looking forward to the future, but I can’t say I am excited about it. I still want to be living in a council property and when I can start to bid again, as in a fixed term for 12 months before it just carries on after that, where I can put a months notice in when the time comes to wanting to move. I’m hoping I won’t have many years on the council waiting list and that my luck comes up.

I can say I am looking forward to the future, but when I observe how I feel about this question, I am not excited about it.

This may surprise some.

What excites you about the future? Or do you kind of feel the same, or similar?