Inspire me, my car driving friends.

Are you a manual car driver? Then I am calling on you to inspire me. ūüôā

For some time now, I have thought about learning to drive, but it was always going to be in an automatic car. I seemed to feel surprisingly calm at the idea, but I did try to sway myself this year and try manual, but the thought of it just panicked me. After a recent chat with a family member on driving a car, he told me how you drive a car in a way that was easy for me to grasp. Although, the idea of driving a manual car, I still have doubts about, which is mainly hand and foot co-ordination. Also, I still wonder if manual driving is for me, because I have observed how many times a driver manually changes the gears while driving through the city and a seems a headache to me.

Now I have never driven a car, so these are only my thoughts about driving a manual car and not experiences, so this is where you come in. Do you drive a manual car? If so, ¬†going back to prior having lessons, did you used to think to yourself I don’t have hand and foot co-ordination? This is my concern when driving a manual car; having gear and clutch co-ordination. Did it end up that co-ordination with the clutch and gears were better than what you originally feared?

Share me your thoughts and inspirations to me and for others who may be reading this and feeling the same as me, when it comes to driving a manual car.

Doodle and Mindfulness

I have bought four books recently, from Amazon. Two of them are doodling books and the other two are mindfulness books, although doodling books fall under mindfulness too. (My opinion.)

My doodle books.

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My mindfulness books.

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I am going to be in doodle heaven, but although they are not meant to be, I may find a challenge at times. But all good to get me inspired and my brain in a different mental gear.

The mindfulness books in the last photo will be a challenge too, as one gets me thinking and the other a motivation to try what is in the book. The book, “Start where you are,” from flicking through, will give me some self-awareness, maybe help with self-esteem, because of this book being a self-reflection type book.

The coming months ahead, as I dip in and out of these books will be interesting.

Unseen

(Content warning: childhood trauma, bullying, abuse and rape.)

Behind closed doors, it was unseen to the extent what was happening in my childhood. How it all affected me and how it affected my mum.

People knew what my dad was, like they thought. But they did not know exactly what he was like.
Until the last few months recently, while chatting about it with family members, they also did not know what he was fully like as they thought.

“If I’ll have known,” they said.

What would they have done?

At school I am bullied for my hair colour, for being quiet, and for what I wear. I chose a school where uniform was a must, to be like everyone else I thought. Yet, I was still made to feel different.

They bullied me verbally. If I wasn’t getting some line of verbal abuse already at home from dad at times, or witnessing some verbal abuse of some kind.

Those bullies feeling great in what they are doing, knocking down my self-esteem, but because of the unseen.
Hey, I already had no self-esteem!

Years down the line, I get married.
It should have been bliss.
But no, I found I was at hands of verbal abuse again and one time of rape.
The difference with me at that point, I wasn’t going to stay and put up with it. I already gave two chances when it came to respect, but it would start again after two weeks of bliss.
I left after the rape, which was the first and last time that was going to happen to me.
But again, this is the unseen. No one see’s what is going on what should be a happy marriage.
After a few months of chatting living back with my mum, I talked about the full extent of that relationship I was in and I realised that had I stayed in this relationship, it would have been the same as my mum was with dad.

Damage from that relationship affects me today. But not as it did.

Verbal abuse is just as bad as physical abuse. If someone experiences this and does not share with you, you will not know the unseen, because you are not there.

This post created after seeing the Daily Prompt: Unseen

How words can shift a child’s self-image

I came across this video last year, which I have wanted to share for some time here.

Chen Miller is a teacher in Israel and in this video she talks about how words can shift a child’s self-image.

It doesn’t matter whether we are¬†teachers, childminder, or a parent, if we come across children and interact with them, it is important how we choose our words.

Please watch this video and listen to Chen Miller’s wise words. The link will take you directly to the video, on YouTube.

#If depression were a choice

I created this post after inspiration from blogger, ‘Summer Starts to Shine,’ where she created a post of the same name: ‘#If depression were a choice.

#If depression were a choice

If depression were a choice, I would not have witnessed as a child of the ups and very bad downs of my mum’s mental health. I would not have worried whether she would disappear again, like before.

If depression were a choice, after seeing how it affected me personally as a child and, also how it affects other people and their families, then I would not choose depression myself. Because after all, it is no fun.

If depression were a choice, I would not struggle to get out of bed some mornings, or sometimes worry about the day ahead.

If depression were a choice, I would not have wished at one time that I was dead and that I was of no use to this world.

If depression were a choice, then I would choose to not have depression. But unfortunately it is not that easy.

If depression were a choice, then I would not have needed the doctor, counsellor or my medication.

If depression were a choice, then my mind would choose to stop dwelling on things.

If the bad experiences of childhood (including bullying, if I did not have enough already,) and early adulthood had not happened, then I would be able to stop my brain having the memories of those days and re-living them.

Until you have been in my shoes, or other people’s shoes of people suffering mental health, then you do not know. So please do not judge.

What I experience to another person it is different. I know how my experiences affect me, but it does not mean I know fully how it affects the next person. I can only be there to support, or to just listen.

Receiving comments of the following I write below, that I have heard personally myself over the years, are not helpful at all.

  • You can choose not to dwell on things
  • It happened to you a long time ago and so you should put it behind you
  • There’s no point living in the past
  • Isn’t it time you moved on?

So until you have been in our shoes, suffered what we have suffered, you will not know how exactly how our past affects our mental health. So do not judge, but listen to our stories and try to understand how it affects us.

If depression were a choice, then I would choose not to have depression.

I will always love the guitar, but I do not have the mindset to learn how to play, or the motivation.

I revealed here sometime back, how I have been learning and enjoying playing the acoustic guitar. Since a lesson where I could not wait to get out, I have gone from regular practising, to since then, only practising a couple of times since. The last few months now where I have not practised at all and so I have put it back in its own guitar bag, to keep the dust off.


I have now decided to sell my guitar because I just don’t have the right mindset, or motivation to play it. But I will always love the guitar and hearing the guitar. It saddens me that I have not been on it, but I know this won’t be enough to get back on it. I have put it on a back seat because of studies, which will go on a year or more. As well as this, I am learning a new hobby, which is crochet and I will probably learn a couple of more hobbies. I am loving the crochet and feel my brain has been exercised as I learn how to do the stitches.

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If I do decide to learn to drive, then this will be another distraction where I will always put the guitar on the back seat, so to speak. It will be nice knowing that hopefully soon, it will go to a good home, where someone will enjoy and appreciate it.

Did you have anyone to look up to, as a child?

I did not have any one to look up to as a child. Did you?

As you know, my childhood was not great by how my father behaved and I grew up only knowing mental illness, because of my mum having it.

To look up to, I mean I did not have anyone who I knew who inspired me, or who said I can do this. I don’t really remember receiving any praise and when I did receive something, it was always negativity.

The only time I remember my dad encouraging me as a child, was when he suggested, if I wanted, to make notes of what I learn from wildlife programmes we just to watch. I could then write it up in neat and he would buy me a hardback book to put it in. I loved the idea and so I did do this, writing what I had learnt. Rest of the time with may dad was when he would mouth off. More so when he had his drink.

If I wasn’t well, he would say I was putting it on. My mum knowing different would take me to the doctors and find out I was not well as her gut instinct told her. Why my¬†dad¬†would think I would make up being ill I do not know, but those of you who knew my dad personally, would know I¬†would not dare to pretend to be ill with my dad.

My mum was not a confident person and so as well as struggling to show her love to me, (but I knew she loved me,) I have never known her to say you can do this, or well done. When I was shown as a child to do joined up handwriting, after asking my mum to teach me, I remember being taught and enjoying it, but not there was no well done, that’s good, or an encouragement tone of some kind. My mum was one for bottling things up, something at one time I used to do, until my 20’s.

I remember at school the only praise I got was an art teacher who said if I keep this up, I should get a C, in my exam grade. The rest of the time was a fight through comprehensive school, because my memories are negative ones, due to being bullied. They were the years I felt alone.

Is it any wonder I struggle to keep positive with myself, have that ‘can-do’ attitude, or stop calling myself !

Fighting to keep my confidence gained and to increase my self-esteem, I have done myself, throughout adulthood. So this is a self-learning experience for me. But I am also in a right group of people, whether near or far, where I am meeting motivated and inspiring people and some of those people have been encouraging me, with a ‘can-do’ attitude and tips, in different learning journeys I am experiencing. ūüėä

Have you read these posts?

These are posts that have either had low number, or no likes, or possibly no comments. This may have been because of it being very early days in the development of blog that they just did not get noticed. Have you read them? Pop on over and take a look, by clicking on the posts of interest.

 

Talking therapies

As you know from reading this blog, I have had counselling in the past, the last two sets of sessions being very helpful for me.
This was because after the counsellor who I had for my first of theses two sessions, identifying my childhood past being the cause of how I was now.
Since these sessions have ended, I have been writing this blog as my continuing therapeutic way of dealing with things, as well as other things, like learning something new, remembering to give self-love.

I recommend talking therapy to anyone who is struggling. Talking therapy can work alone, or alongside antidepressants from your doctor, depending on the individual.

I recently learnt that someone closer to me was not doing well as I thought. After this person asked for advice, which I gave, I could see there was a bit more to it then the person was letting on, so I asked further. The person wouldn’t answer this question, as was concerned how I would feel ashamed of them, of their response.
I reassured that person, that I am sure you have done nothing to be ashamed of and that the advice I gave before would not help alone, as I could see whatever this issue was needed to be addressed. This would mean if they felt they could not be open with me, then to speak to a counsellor where you will not need to feel worried about being judged, because they are there to listen.
On answering further questions about what to expect in counselling sessions to reassure this person, because they have never seen a counsellor before, I printed off the necessary information, so they could self-refer. I hope this person does follow it through, because I know this person would benefit from it so much.

If you are feeling the need to talk to someone and have no one, or not confident in speaking to a friend, or family member, then please do speak to a counsellor. They are not there to judge, they are there to help.

I do¬†recommend talking therapy, because you are in a neutral place where you do not need to worry about upsetting, or worrying a friend or relative, so you can unburden yourself. A place where you also won’t feel judged.

For more information on talking therapies, please visit this page at Mental Health Foundation.

Letter to my impatience

Dear Impatience

I have noticed recently you have been slowly creeping in and more so since I have been self-conscious and concerned about my rash. Catching me at a slightly vulnerable time.

I now write to tell you that I will no longer allow you to enter my life, because if I do, I know you will invite anger into my life again.
I have felt good since anger left and now way do I want to see anger in my life again.

When I observed how you were creeping back into my life, I decided to change things slightly as you appeared, to ignore you. It is feeling like a battle with you, which you will not win. I will be inviting kindness back into my life, who I neglected, to say kindness made me feel good. Allowing kindness back into my life, a reminder another blogger gave me, will mean you will no longer be around impatience.

I find you rude impatience for uninviting yourself and pushing kindness out. I will be making sure you are out of the door this time and not kindness. I need to make sure I do not ignore kindness who makes me feel good. I will need to make sure kindness is with me more often, making sure I am ok.

Bye bye, impatience and don’t come back.

Liz

Related post:

Letter to my anxiety