Rewiring my brain to stay positive after my disappointing blow

After this post; Another disappointing blow which I shared my disappointment with you of not getting the job, I have since tried to keep a positive mind. Keeping a positive mind and going to a workplace I find where my self-esteem is challenged because of what has happened in the past and also this year is very tiring. Some days I just don’t want to get up and my anxiety can kick in some way. It’s hard work when you don’t feel appreciated and just don’t have a clue with your own department no more, which has led me to have no faith or trust because of what has happened,past and present. It has been soul-destroying at times and I had to take antidepressants, as well as counselling to help with this and past childhood issues that came out.

So what am I doing to try and keep this positive mind?

  • As SummerSHINES mentioned in the above post in my comments, see the job as temporary. This is something I have heard before while having difficult moments and it does help.
  • If I want, or need extra hours, then I am going to see this as temporary also. But also I have control in where I would like to clean, by picking of a list that takes my fancy. So I could pick an area where I know it will only be me cleaning it, if I wanted.
  • Try to make sure I continue to practice self-care.
  • Continue with my current studies and enjoy the moment and experience.
  • Continue to enjoy the experience of my driving lessons and look forward to what the future can bring with this.
  • Continue to do things that will take me outside my comfort zone, when I can.

Another disappointing blow

I had to post this morning, to get it off my chest what I am currently feeling this morning, after just seeing a particular email.
You will remember via this post; Recent thoughts, I applied for a full-time cleaning job in Derby. I was not successful and so a disappointing blow once more, as this one was really a big deal for me and I could see lots of positive changes to come. I don’t want to be where I currently work and I have wanted to get out for a good few years, but yet I still feel I am going to be stuck here. If I am not successful in something I am skilled at elsewhere, then what chance do I have if I choose a completely different path?
As you know, I am having same access issues as every other year, which is currently being dealt with by the same person who dealt with it last year. Another person in the trust is now getting involved, along with her. I seen her last night and so we spoke some more, along with my colleague who she also knows. She told me it will take time, but we will deal with this, along with other issues I also mentioned and come up with something. I do have faith in her, but as I have said to her, I don’t have any faith or trust in my own department, hence I no longer want to be there. Knowing there isn’t going to be an opportunity again, for some time like the one I applied for recently and nothing else of a different nature in the pipeline anytime soon, I can only wish for a miracle, but going to work tonight is going to be very hard. I do not feel me whenever I walk in my own department, as I have the dread, anxiety creeping and low-self esteem and depression.
As I have already mentioned, I have no faith or trust with my department anymore. These feeling are valid and I have proof for those reasons which I cannot disclose here for confidentiality reasons.

When I feel low and when I find I am still stuck where I am, I wonder if I am just expired and no place anywhere.

Inspire me, my car driving friends.

Are you a manual car driver? Then I am calling on you to inspire me. 🙂

For some time now, I have thought about learning to drive, but it was always going to be in an automatic car. I seemed to feel surprisingly calm at the idea, but I did try to sway myself this year and try manual, but the thought of it just panicked me. After a recent chat with a family member on driving a car, he told me how you drive a car in a way that was easy for me to grasp. Although, the idea of driving a manual car, I still have doubts about, which is mainly hand and foot co-ordination. Also, I still wonder if manual driving is for me, because I have observed how many times a driver manually changes the gears while driving through the city and a seems a headache to me.

Now I have never driven a car, so these are only my thoughts about driving a manual car and not experiences, so this is where you come in. Do you drive a manual car? If so,  going back to prior having lessons, did you used to think to yourself I don’t have hand and foot co-ordination? This is my concern when driving a manual car; having gear and clutch co-ordination. Did it end up that co-ordination with the clutch and gears were better than what you originally feared?

Share me your thoughts and inspirations to me and for others who may be reading this and feeling the same as me, when it comes to driving a manual car.

Doodle and Mindfulness

I have bought four books recently, from Amazon. Two of them are doodling books and the other two are mindfulness books, although doodling books fall under mindfulness too. (My opinion.)

My doodle books.

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My mindfulness books.

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I am going to be in doodle heaven, but although they are not meant to be, I may find a challenge at times. But all good to get me inspired and my brain in a different mental gear.

The mindfulness books in the last photo will be a challenge too, as one gets me thinking and the other a motivation to try what is in the book. The book, “Start where you are,” from flicking through, will give me some self-awareness, maybe help with self-esteem, because of this book being a self-reflection type book.

The coming months ahead, as I dip in and out of these books will be interesting.

Unseen

(Content warning: childhood trauma, bullying, abuse and rape.)

Behind closed doors, it was unseen to the extent what was happening in my childhood. How it all affected me and how it affected my mum.

People knew what my dad was, like they thought. But they did not know exactly what he was like.
Until the last few months recently, while chatting about it with family members, they also did not know what he was fully like as they thought.

“If I’ll have known,” they said.

What would they have done?

At school I am bullied for my hair colour, for being quiet, and for what I wear. I chose a school where uniform was a must, to be like everyone else I thought. Yet, I was still made to feel different.

They bullied me verbally. If I wasn’t getting some line of verbal abuse already at home from dad at times, or witnessing some verbal abuse of some kind.

Those bullies feeling great in what they are doing, knocking down my self-esteem, but because of the unseen.
Hey, I already had no self-esteem!

Years down the line, I get married.
It should have been bliss.
But no, I found I was at hands of verbal abuse again and one time of rape.
The difference with me at that point, I wasn’t going to stay and put up with it. I already gave two chances when it came to respect, but it would start again after two weeks of bliss.
I left after the rape, which was the first and last time that was going to happen to me.
But again, this is the unseen. No one see’s what is going on what should be a happy marriage.
After a few months of chatting living back with my mum, I talked about the full extent of that relationship I was in and I realised that had I stayed in this relationship, it would have been the same as my mum was with dad.

Damage from that relationship affects me today. But not as it did.

Verbal abuse is just as bad as physical abuse. If someone experiences this and does not share with you, you will not know the unseen, because you are not there.

This post created after seeing the Daily Prompt: Unseen

How words can shift a child’s self-image

I came across this video last year, which I have wanted to share for some time here.

Chen Miller is a teacher in Israel and in this video she talks about how words can shift a child’s self-image.

It doesn’t matter whether we are teachers, childminder, or a parent, if we come across children and interact with them, it is important how we choose our words.

Please watch this video and listen to Chen Miller’s wise words. The link will take you directly to the video, on YouTube.

#If depression were a choice

I created this post after inspiration from blogger, ‘Summer Starts to Shine,’ where she created a post of the same name: ‘#If depression were a choice.

#If depression were a choice

If depression were a choice, I would not have witnessed as a child of the ups and very bad downs of my mum’s mental health. I would not have worried whether she would disappear again, like before.

If depression were a choice, after seeing how it affected me personally as a child and, also how it affects other people and their families, then I would not choose depression myself. Because after all, it is no fun.

If depression were a choice, I would not struggle to get out of bed some mornings, or sometimes worry about the day ahead.

If depression were a choice, I would not have wished at one time that I was dead and that I was of no use to this world.

If depression were a choice, then I would choose to not have depression. But unfortunately it is not that easy.

If depression were a choice, then I would not have needed the doctor, counsellor or my medication.

If depression were a choice, then my mind would choose to stop dwelling on things.

If the bad experiences of childhood (including bullying, if I did not have enough already,) and early adulthood had not happened, then I would be able to stop my brain having the memories of those days and re-living them.

Until you have been in my shoes, or other people’s shoes of people suffering mental health, then you do not know. So please do not judge.

What I experience to another person it is different. I know how my experiences affect me, but it does not mean I know fully how it affects the next person. I can only be there to support, or to just listen.

Receiving comments of the following I write below, that I have heard personally myself over the years, are not helpful at all.

  • You can choose not to dwell on things
  • It happened to you a long time ago and so you should put it behind you
  • There’s no point living in the past
  • Isn’t it time you moved on?

So until you have been in our shoes, suffered what we have suffered, you will not know how exactly how our past affects our mental health. So do not judge, but listen to our stories and try to understand how it affects us.

If depression were a choice, then I would choose not to have depression.