I am not happy at times and I can get frustrated, wanting a ‘get out card’ option to be in another job that I enjoy again and where I feel appreciated. It’s clear to me I don’t want to be where I am no more and I have never felt so sure, but I am not in a situation where I can just hand in my notice while I have no other job to go into.
I still have that mind frame where I just want to start afresh; to live in a new area. This gets more stronger when I feel low or depressed.
So if I was to be in a job I felt worthy of, would I still want to get out of the area completely?
I can’t completely answer this, other than if I was not in a job I felt that sucked out my self-esteem, my confidence, my energy and, where I don’t feel me and instead in a job where I felt valued, I know I would feel a completely different person and I would be happier. I know that I would feel that I had more of a balanced life; work I love, my alone time and around friends who I enjoy their company of. But whether that feeling of getting out of Nottinghamshire was still there, I am not sure.
If I could choose where I wanted to live exactly, Brighton comes to mind every time. But this seems an impossible task to achieve currently, because living there seems expensive, but also, how do you move so far away when you need a home. But to get a home, you need a job and vice versa.
The other area where I nearly moved to once, as you know, was Derby, after applying for a job. (But I had no luck with.) This area still stands. There is also another area I like, in Notts, but I am not willing to share with anyone yet what that one is. But it wouldn’t be far away.
I have shared with you in the past my feelings in different situations like work, the feeling of getting out. Also, new plans I hope to do that I felt set with and still do, but then I look again at the other options on top.
Do I come across to my readers as confused, not settled, or just full of options?
Which ever route I take, it is not going to happen quickly as I like and this frustrates me and it can make me feel low and depressed. I know I also feel unsettled and I wish I could permanently shake this off until I am somewhere I feel valued and playing my part.
As you know from this post; I am having no more manual driving lessons, that I am having no more manual driving lessons. As you know, the last lesson I felt I had made two steps back, I had anxiety at a level that was not good and not helped by instructor in what he did on one occasion towards the end, that he did once before in another lesson; pulling me over when I did not hear him say pull over and instead thinking he wanted me to do left turn.
But there was another effect I had from the lesson, that I did not mention in that post, until now.
I am still struggling with keeping my voice. I am assumed this was through anxiety, but I wasn’t sure. But after seeing how I was over the next few days and then looking it up, I see it is. I felt embarrassed by this, but I see from reading it up that I don’t need to be embarrassed. This is a new thing for me where stress has affected my voice and I am still struggling with it as this post goes to air.
I still feel a little down and I have a little anxiety still, especially as I know I will be having my first automatic driving lesson sooner than expected. But I am still determined to drive and if that means driving in an automatic, then so be it. I don’t care. I can see me getting on with it well, when anxiety settles, because of no clutch and gears to worry about. They were a distraction. I have tried my best with a manual, but it is not for me, so bring on automatic.
Thank you for your lovely support, when I announced I was quitting manual for automatic driving lessons and how it affected me, while trying to learn in a manual car. It is very much appreciated.
After this post; Another disappointing blow which I shared my disappointment with you of not getting the job, I have since tried to keep a positive mind. Keeping a positive mind and going to a workplace I find where my self-esteem is challenged because of what has happened in the past and also this year is very tiring. Some days I just don’t want to get up and my anxiety can kick in some way. It’s hard work when you don’t feel appreciated and just don’t have a clue with your own department no more, which has led me to have no faith or trust because of what has happened,past and present. It has been soul-destroying at times and I had to take antidepressants, as well as counselling to help with this and past childhood issues that came out.
So what am I doing to try and keep this positive mind?
- As SummerSHINES mentioned in the above post in my comments, see the job as temporary. This is something I have heard before while having difficult moments and it does help.
- If I want, or need extra hours, then I am going to see this as temporary also. But also I have control in where I would like to clean, by picking of a list that takes my fancy. So I could pick an area where I know it will only be me cleaning it, if I wanted.
- Try to make sure I continue to practice self-care.
- Continue with my current studies and enjoy the moment and experience.
- Continue to enjoy the experience of my driving lessons and look forward to what the future can bring with this.
- Continue to do things that will take me outside my comfort zone, when I can.
I had to post this morning, to get it off my chest what I am currently feeling this morning, after just seeing a particular email.
You will remember via this post; Recent thoughts, I applied for a full-time cleaning job in Derby. I was not successful and so a disappointing blow once more, as this one was really a big deal for me and I could see lots of positive changes to come. I don’t want to be where I currently work and I have wanted to get out for a good few years, but yet I still feel I am going to be stuck here. If I am not successful in something I am skilled at elsewhere, then what chance do I have if I choose a completely different path?
As you know, I am having same access issues as every other year, which is currently being dealt with by the same person who dealt with it last year. Another person in the trust is now getting involved, along with her. I seen her last night and so we spoke some more, along with my colleague who she also knows. She told me it will take time, but we will deal with this, along with other issues I also mentioned and come up with something. I do have faith in her, but as I have said to her, I don’t have any faith or trust in my own department, hence I no longer want to be there. Knowing there isn’t going to be an opportunity again, for some time like the one I applied for recently and nothing else of a different nature in the pipeline anytime soon, I can only wish for a miracle, but going to work tonight is going to be very hard. I do not feel me whenever I walk in my own department, as I have the dread, anxiety creeping and low-self esteem and depression.
As I have already mentioned, I have no faith or trust with my department anymore. These feeling are valid and I have proof for those reasons which I cannot disclose here for confidentiality reasons.
When I feel low and when I find I am still stuck where I am, I wonder if I am just expired and no place anywhere.
Are you a manual car driver? Then I am calling on you to inspire me. 🙂
For some time now, I have thought about learning to drive, but it was always going to be in an automatic car. I seemed to feel surprisingly calm at the idea, but I did try to sway myself this year and try manual, but the thought of it just panicked me. After a recent chat with a family member on driving a car, he told me how you drive a car in a way that was easy for me to grasp. Although, the idea of driving a manual car, I still have doubts about, which is mainly hand and foot co-ordination. Also, I still wonder if manual driving is for me, because I have observed how many times a driver manually changes the gears while driving through the city and a seems a headache to me.
Now I have never driven a car, so these are only my thoughts about driving a manual car and not experiences, so this is where you come in. Do you drive a manual car? If so, going back to prior having lessons, did you used to think to yourself I don’t have hand and foot co-ordination? This is my concern when driving a manual car; having gear and clutch co-ordination. Did it end up that co-ordination with the clutch and gears were better than what you originally feared?
Share me your thoughts and inspirations to me and for others who may be reading this and feeling the same as me, when it comes to driving a manual car.
I have bought four books recently, from Amazon. Two of them are doodling books and the other two are mindfulness books, although doodling books fall under mindfulness too. (My opinion.)
My doodle books.
My mindfulness books.
I am going to be in doodle heaven, but although they are not meant to be, I may find a challenge at times. But all good to get me inspired and my brain in a different mental gear.
The mindfulness books in the last photo will be a challenge too, as one gets me thinking and the other a motivation to try what is in the book. The book, “Start where you are,” from flicking through, will give me some self-awareness, maybe help with self-esteem, because of this book being a self-reflection type book.
The coming months ahead, as I dip in and out of these books will be interesting.