So I have been talking about feelings recently. That includes my own personal feelings. If you have not read these posts on this topic, then you can find them below, at the end of this post.
This post is about my recent feelings. Feelings I have not felt since childhood. But then mum’s behaviour how it was on Sunday, I have not seen since my childhood. My teen years to be exact.
My regular readers will know the situation about my mum. But for anyone else, you will have to see earlier posts of some of the things shared. But to put it short, mum took an overdose earlier in the year and since then, she has been closely monitored.
The story to set the scene first
Since I last seen my mum’s nurse, because she wanted to see me so we could altogether talk about my mum’s mental health, I have been a bit concerned about my mum’s health. But more concerned since Sunday.
Saturday, we met up in my local town, to catch a bus to Edwinstowe. We were going to Sherwood Forest. Just the visitor centre, so mum could see that, as walking wise, mum wouldn’t get round the forest now.
Mum enjoyed herself I could see that, for those few hours out and she said she enjoyed herself.
We departed our separate ways when back in my local town. Both of us going back to our own homes.
Later at night, just after 10pm, which I was in bed and just about to turn the light out when my mum texted me, to see if it was ok to come to mine? I said yes and set up the fold-up bed.
When mum came, I gave her chance to unpack before asking if she’d like anything else. Mum said she fine and did not need anything else. So I went to bed.
Sunday morning, I got up at 8am. My mum was already up and I could see mum wasn’t right. I could also tell by her face I was possibly going to get snapped at and I did, after asking her if she had breakfast.
I tried having some form of conversation. It wasn’t working and I got snapped at, so I left her be to do what I needed to do, before going to my local shop.
I chatted about some food, when I came back. Again, conversation not going well and snapped at. So I did not speak unless I was spoken to first. When mum did speak partly, I listened and just said ok, or nodded.
I discussed lunch, as what I was doing today. This was going to be a light lunch and mum looked like she did not want to eat, when it was time. Another concern.
I tempted her to eat something else, which either a pack of crisps, or a flapjack. She chose the flapjack, but not until she snapped back at me before taking it off the plate.
Mum kept nodding off and I let her. When mum seemed a little alert, I tried a different tactic to try and ease the tension in the room. I activated the fart button, on my phone. It worked. She thought I farted too, until I pressed the fart button again. This was the only time we laughed; about 10 minutes, or just under over a fart box, because later before she left in the afternoon, I tried to have another general conservation, for only my mum to keep looking at her watch every 3 seconds. Then while looking at me as I was still speaking, mum spoke over me! “I think I will go outside and wait for taxi ready,” mum said. Her taxi was not due for another 15 minutes and it was raining. So tension again, but this time from me because I listened at the smallest time she spoke. But could I have a conversation about anything? No.
Did I feel I was listened to? No.
Even though we hugged and said love you, to each other. I did not feel my mum realised just how upset she made me feel, in addition to worrying about her with what I was seeing and another thing not mentioned here, that happened, that shows mum’s mental health is declining.
Today, I seen my mum while in her local town and again, I feel the same concerns about my mum’s mental health.
Although I have talked a bit about my feelings in the post above, I will now put again all here, along with more.
As I have said, it’s triggered my teen years because how mum was on Sunday was how she was for a period in my teens, when she stopped taking one of her medications. (I strongly believe that this is not the case this time and that my mum is taking her medication.) I could not speak now, as I could not then without being snapped at. The walking on eggshells feeling.
As well as me feeling upset and not listened to, I am also very worried about my mum’s mental health decline, which in turn is stressing me out and anxiety is creeping in. I have also felt frustrated, with a little bit of anger.
Yesterday, I felt low and tired. I couldn’t think straight. My mind not great as you know. But I felt worser.
I had a lot of anxiety and it took till middle of the afternoon to calm. Then I heard from mum via a text, that she has been robbed. This made me feel sick that this happened and I am concerned what possible lasting affects this could leave on my mum.
Today, I have anxiety, I feel a little sick, still worried and stressed. Oh, and I have a headache… again.
So yeah. I am very worried right now. A lot of high emotions, with some crying this afternoon and somehow, I am still bloody going to work while I feel as I do.
© Elizabeth Fisher and My Wellbeing and Learning Journey.
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