A question for my readers in the UK regarding their mortgage

This question is for anyone living in the UK, who has had a mortgage in the last 5 years, to present. 

Is your mortgage payment, under, or over £500 per month?

Just reply with your answer as under, or over. There is no need to tell me your actual amount. 


With this lockdown and everything else in my life. But especially the lockdown. The lockdown has made me rather desperate now to be living in a house, with a garden.

I have felt so caged in because I dare not go out for a walk out on the nature reserve, or park, because of everyone else doing it and not having control of that 2 meter distance.
And same with regards of sitting just outside my flat in the garden, along with maybe not getting my own peace and quiet during that time. My only  walking is when it’s work, or groceries, as I have mentioned before.

I am sick of the neighbours still opposite and, their latest antics and with not being able to travel to other areas, it’s making me feel caged.

Now if I was in a house, I would be sat in the garden, or doing something in the garden. I would not have felt caged. This lockdown has clearly shown me that.
I envy those right now that are in their garden resting, or planting their veg, or flowers. Or just doing that little bit of weeding.

So these last two weeks the way I have been going about my mortgage originally, I have been thinking, do I need to change plans to my original plan? Still, those plans I am thinking, may take at least a year, to a year and a half to achieve, if I use those new tatics. But that doesn’t feel as bad as what was 3 years. Plus, if I stick with my original plan then I now know it definitely won’t happen in 3 years, due to less being put aside. It will never happen if I stick to that plan. Unless I win the lottery. Which I don’t play.

As some will know already, I am seriously conteplating on moving out of this flat now, to a rented house, when restrictions are lifted. But I am holding off for two reasons.

1. Now is definitely not the right time to move in the next few months, because what may arise with my mum. It would be too much to handle mentally.

2. If I am going to change my plan and use a new plan in regards to buying my own home then there is no point moving into a rented one, because this may be more achievable.

So I am hoping to focus on just getting through the next 8 months to a year, counting from now. I can’t bear to think of anything longer than this. Then I will go from there


© Elizabeth Fisher and My Wellbeing and Learning Journey.

Unauthorised use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to My Wellbeing and Learning Journey with appropriate and specific direction to the original content. (But Guest Posts that feature on my blog are not allowed at all to be duplicated, as that is their copyright.)

How is everyone doing?

With restrictions still in place for some more weeks to come, our world isn’t going to change anytime soon. But I did not expect them to be lifted just yet. It would have been crazy to lift them at this point and our efforts would have been wasted. So it’s good to know this is staying in place, as hard as it will be for us.

Last Friday became a moment where I had a melt down, while at work. A couple of bloggers know this via comments.
It just got a bit much wth regarding my mum and getting my head round the nursing homes idea, and the restrictions in place that limit where I can go.
But what really made me melt, was seeing in last couple of days how some people are just not observing these restrictions. So it got me really frustrated and upset until I broke.
I have seen people hanging out in groups of three and here’s me, like a majority of us, playing by the rules. What the hell are these people playing at? I stay in, unless it’s work, or groceries. That’s the only time I am out, as well as picking up my prescription, which I need to do that tomorrow.
I don’t stay in for the likes of others to hang out in groups of three!

I know I am not alone in these feelings, because I have read other blog posts too where they feel exactly the same on this and frustrated by it.

I am so glad I am working, because going by how I am finding it more difficult now, regardless how much I challenge myself in finding good stuff to occupy me with, I think I would have been more of a mess had I not been working.

Also, when restrictions do eventually lift, things aren’t going to be the same and I am concerned with one thing that I have been reading, that the Government is thinking of doing. But they want to get full facts together first, before making a decision. That’s face masks. This was on my mind Friday too, so this broke me in addition to the frustration of those who think it is ok to go about in groups of three. If face masks are going to be enforced, then that is a barrier to me. How do I lipread someone with a mask?
The world is not accessible to me as it should be now at times, when it comes to communication. So my fear is how harder is my life going to get communication wise, if face masks are enforced.

I would be only willing to use a face mask, if say like on a bus, because you can’t have that 2 meter distance there. But everyone else will have to wear them too.
The other time would be in a medical setting, like a hospital.

Wearing a mask protects others. It doesn’t protect you. I have chosen not to wear one, for the simple reason that I do not want to increase my risk of infection, because of me touching my face, to adjust that mask, through the day. (I have asthma for those that don’t know.)

So my future fear, until it is made certain by the UK Government, is just how more difficult my life will become as a deaf person? because at any point through out the day I come across someone wearing a face mask, who wants to talk to me, I am going to look confused back, indicating to the removal of the mask, because I can’t hear, or bloody lipread, until they do.

How are you doing? 

 

© Elizabeth Fisher and My Wellbeing and Learning Journey.

Unauthorised use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to My Wellbeing and Learning Journey with appropriate and specific direction to the original content. (But Guest Posts that feature on my blog are not allowed at all to be duplicated, as that is their copyright.)

Blog post re-share : Apps I find help my mental health. — Life with the Hazelwoods

I have tried three of the apps mentioned in this post and, the one I am going to stick with and see how I go longer term with, will be the Calm Harm app.

It’s all about finding what what works for you.
I am mostly a paper based person, as that’s easier for me. But I have tried apps in the past and found a lot not suitable for me, in different ways. But the Calm Harm on first impressions is good and, although I don’t self-harm, I have been feeling suicidal, as well as having anxiety and depression,
I think this app can help for those too.

Do you use apps?

Do visit this bloggers post and comment there.

When your phone is always in your hand it’s quick and easy to download apps that can help when you’re in a bad place. I downloaded calm harm first. It’s been the best app ever for me. It’s completely personalised and you need a password so nobody else will open it. It’s made for people […]

via Apps I find help my mental health. — Life with the Hazelwoods

Counselling

So as you know, I am waiting for counselling on the NHS after my difficulties of this year, messing with my own mental health. I have already been waiting over 2 months for my assessment. (I thought it was getting on 3 months.)

Via a programme that I automatically have access to, as part of me being an employee with my evening job, counselling services is one of them.
I started wondering that if I contacted them, would I possibly get in quicker? So I queried. It turns out I would, because as soon as I have filled in my assesment form, they will source a counsellor within 10 working days.
So I have filled in my form and sent it back in an email today.

 

© Elizabeth Fisher and My Wellbeing and Learning Journey.

Unauthorised use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to My Wellbeing and Learning Journey with appropriate and specific direction to the original content. But Guest Posts that feature on my blog are not allowed at all to be duplicated.

“Don’t come near keep away”

November is getting near. The month when at some point I am to meet my mum at some point originally.

My mum’s number remains blocked on my phone, until I come to unblocking it, when November arrives. This was to stop me being disturbed while having my own mental wellbeing break, after the burnout I had in August.
It became no contact, because as most of you will know, mum failed to respect my boundaries I needed when I limited the contact. So it became in the end no contact, until I was ready in November.
During the time my mum’s number has been blocked in my phone, I know mum has tried to contact me still, because of the icon that appears on the phone to show that. Most of October has been quiet until recently in which there has been attempted calls during the time I would be working. Mum knows I don’t answer my phone in general because of struggling to hear her, which then spoils the conversation, or worse, arguments because I cannot hear well and I can get frustrated by that, as well as mum getting frustrated with me because I don’t hear. But also she knows I don’t answer when I am at work. How many I have noticed she has attempted these past few days, had her number not been blocked, it would have been annoyingly going off in my pocket, disturbing me working. That’s if aware it going off in the first place, because when I am moving about in my job, I don’t always feel the phone’s vibration.

I wake up this morning and see another attempted contact. I choose to see what contact she was trying again and this time it was a text. Scrambled at the beginning because she don’t know how to delete text, even though I shown her when she first had this phone make years ago, but very clear after what she does say after, which is “Don’t come near keep away.”

Does this upset me after seeing this? No, because of mum never understanding the damage done to me back in July, with the way she behaved that day, that triggered back memories from childhood and from her overdosing in February.
But also knowing mum does not mean what she says. She’s more likely doing this because she thinks this will protect me. But it doesn’t.
It adds to the further of how I feel about all this in regards to how I feel towards mum, from childhood to now.

I also do not trust mum anymore when it comes to her mental health. If she isn’t taking an overdose, she stops taking her medication. That’s the pattern I have known.

I don’t feel ready to see my mum and I wonder if I ever will. The above makes it more easy in not seeing my mum. So although I had written a date in my my dairy when to see my mum originally. The question is whether I will, because I don’t need further shit and how I feel, I think it would turn to an argument within 5 minutes me being there, or if not that, then me being in tears and walking out, like I did when I was 11 and that is why I don’t think I would ever be ready.

 

© Elizabeth Fisher and My Wellbeing and Learning Journey.

Unauthorised use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to My Wellbeing and Learning Journey with appropriate and specific direction to the original content. But Guest Posts that feature on my blog are not allowed at all to be duplicated.

I wouldn’t choose this life again

If there is a such thing as coming back in another life, I wouldn’t choose this life again.

Sorry if this upsets anyone, but I have been holding onto this for a long time.

My lifetime has had a lot of pain and sadness. What happened in my childhood meant it gave me triggers in later life. PTSD a counsellor said I have, for the traumatic things I witnessed/experienced, in my childhood

I don’t have PTSD like some people, so when not showing signs for some time (that I am aware of) meant I thought I was lucky there myself and cured. Yes, I thought I was cured, until I was triggered again.

I know many of my readers do relate and no doubt will relate and understand this post.

I wouldn’t want any child to go through what I had and to still put up with some of the things now, all for the sake of love. It took until I burnt out and for seeing my mum revert slowly back a little. Not helping herself.
The offers are there for her. She’s holding them, but not using them.

I was happy to help and support one time. But when the person is not continuing helping themselves, then I can’t help. I won’t put my emotional energy into it no longer.
The person has to help themselves and do the work too. Something my mum once said, but failing to follow her own advice now.

A family member on my mum’s side keeps saying I should meet up for you for coffee. She said it again after she had that basic update of how me and mum are. I kept saying that would be lovely. Do let me know when. But you know what? I have been waiting for that fucking coffee and meeting up since before my mum took the overdose! It’s gone on even longer than that, because I have been hearing this since last December.
If you do that to a family member, or a friend, then please don’t. Don’t set that person up with that kind of promise, or any kind of promise you can’t keep.

But you my readers, my friends and work colleagues have helped more than anyone else. (With exception of one family member who has unexpectedly helped me in the past, on a different matter.) And I really appreciate  that. But it would be just lovely to just sit in a park, or a cafe,  for that cuppa. Even if it’s just sitting in quiet. I don’t mind quiet. I like quiet.

I would like to see a person be in my position now and do what I have done for my mum in one year. Not forgetting the anxiety, stress, worry, frustration, scared of every text that comes to your phone, until finally it getting very heated and you are feeling burnt out. Would you still do it for another year?
Then try my life of doing it that long from my teens as a carer, but understanding and worrying from 11. You will feel resentment. When you have had the counselling and understood even more how your childhood is affecting the present, you will feel more resentment and maybe anger. And the disappointment and further feeling of being alone, because someone could not keep that promise of going out for a coffee.

If you was a fly on the wall, observing just the day time hours in my flat this past month, you would have seen how difficult it is for me. This past month especially when it got more tense.

Now don’t say I can change this, because changing this would mean cutting mum off completely and I nearly have done that. But for the sake of love, I haven’t quite yet. But I do need that temporary break. It’s very early days, but I do wonder if I will end up doing it permanent, because of what went off over a few days and what hasn’t happened today, which I won’t go into here right now. But it’s early days and I shall see what happens by November.

Until then, I am facing my own battles still, to keep out of that black cloud.

I have self-referred myself, back to counselling.

As for my blood pressure, it is going down. My lower number can be a bit high at times when taking readings. Only time it’s shot up, is when I have been upset.

My asthma is only triggered by the same upset, otherwise it’s much better. I have even got rid of that blanket from underneath my pillows, when I needed to prop myself up more. I didn’t think I would ever get rid of that.

 

© Elizabeth Fisher and My Wellbeing and Learning Journey.

Unauthorised use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to My Wellbeing and Learning Journey with appropriate and specific direction to the original content. But Guest Posts that feature on my blog are not allowed at all to be duplicated.

A change of heart with my mum

As you know with I choose not to… and If you followed last night’s post… it was getting more of a tense time and I was considering cutting ties with my mum completely. But as I calm down further, I am having a slight change of heart. But there is still going to have to be some changes, on both sides.

I’m not going to be her carer. I’m going to be her daughter. I will help top up her phone when I do see her. But that’s it. Nothing else.

From now, until November time, I won’t personally see her, as I still feel I need time away to calm, heal and concentrate on me. But I will allow my mum to text on the first of each month only.

I think mum needs a taste of what it is like, without a daughter. Maybe mum will discover how much she had depended on me.

I hope that from the short temporary break of not seeing her, that mum learns something from this. I hope mum takes more care of herself.

As for me, taking this step back from not being a carer, to just a daughter, as much as I wanted to help, I will know by not doing the caring role, it will be better for me long term. Hopefully, better all round, between me and mum too.

Also, because of the step back I am doing, means more time for me, making sure I do what I want to do and time for me as part of my self-care.

You have to remember, I have been a carer to some degree, since my teens. I’m now 43. So I think I very much deserve time out and keeping distance for a few months. It has only been this year where I have felt I have had some kind of support when it came to my mum.
But as I was still the one who seen her more than anyone else, it has been me that has seen the changes and bore the brunt of it.

When the time comes to seeing my mum in November and our first day meeting up goes ok, the plan will be to only see my mum either once a week, or once every fortnight, from then on. I won’t do anything more than once a week.

I will keep you updated and once again, thank you for your support. Xx

© Elizabeth Fisher and My Wellbeing and Learning Journey.

Unauthorised use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to My Wellbeing and Learning Journey with appropriate and specific direction to the original content. But Guest Posts that feature on my blog are not allowed at all to be duplicated.

If you followed last night’s post…

If you followed the comments in last night’s post, I choose not to…, you will know, after admitting to my blogger friend, Lorraine, that I admitted, I did glance at the letter.
I skimmed it quickly and I was right, another letter that does not benefit me in any way. It just caused me to be upset, regardless it contained what I expected and more.
I skimmed it because I wanted to be sure there was nothing in it to show that she was planning on harming herself again, with having a text that just said sorry on Sunday night, which I did not respond to as I said in last night’s post, because I was going to bed.
To say I texted her last night as I said in last night’s post that I choose not to read it, I heard nothing from that text. Not even an ok, as she normally would.
For all I know, mum could be dead on the floor. But then she could be doing her own thing, giving me space.
Since this year’s overdose, mum has always said she wouldn’t do it again. But given past experience and her mental health now, how am I supposed to trust that?
I should not have glanced at that letter, until I did my blood pressure reading. But I did and so each reading went higher than the one before. It was high.
I went to bed with huge anxiety. Thought I would never sleep. But I did.

This morning, I woke upset. I was tearful and I am also angry with my mum.
I am at the stage today that I want to disown my mum. But this, I would never say in a text.

I have emailed the email I was given by my mum’s nurse, should I ever need to use it as an urgency while mum’s nurse is not available. I have expressed my feelings there of how it has caused me to be off work last week.
How I wonder why as a child, I was never put into care when I have my mum as she was and a verbally abuse father.
How I was sick of holding responsibility as a teenager, when I had not experienced adult life.
So to watch it all unfold and see the signs that I see, in addition to seeing if mum takes this alternative help, when her nurse next sees her to discuss this, that I will not sit and watch all this again.
I have expressed that if mum does not take that alternative help, then it won’t surprise me if I have a mum by Christmas. I will expect her dead before then.
There was more I had written in this email, but it will make it hell of a long post.

As well as the above in how I feel, I may as well have a noose around my neck. That’s how it feels, as though I have that, wondering if mum has already, or will take an overdose. This is the only way I can describe my mental torcher I feel, as well as living in a nightmare I don’t want to be in.

I thank you to those who supported me in last night’s post and I send advanced thanks to this one, in case I fall behind in commenting, with how I feel in this torment.

Post update:

This post: A change of heart with my mum is an updated post, since this one was written.

 

© Elizabeth Fisher and My Wellbeing and Learning Journey.

Unauthorised use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to My Wellbeing and Learning Journey with appropriate and specific direction to the original content. But Guest Posts that feature on my blog are not allowed at all to be duplicated.

My feelings – Part 2

I see my mum tomorrow and I am dreading it. I have been dreading it since Sunday, but also knowing mum no better when I seen her for a short time Tuesday.

Most readers will know that the events earlier in the year changed me. Friends will know how much despair I was in at her bedside, when I was told by medics she could die.

To feel dread in seeing my mum tomorrow, is not a nice feeling I like to have. But from Googling, I seem to not be alone on this.

I even dread the texts at times, because they send me on anxiety, worrying, in  case my mum is having that really bad moment and I can’t get to her.

I forgot in My feelings – Part 1 that how the Sunday was going and the following day, I felt I was at fault. Not the first time I have felt that this year. But a friend who reads my blog and so reassured me after reading part 1 post, also mentioned it wasn’t my fault in that email. Something I needed to hear. But that thought of mine will probably come back now and against, knowing me.

 

© Elizabeth Fisher and My Wellbeing and Learning Journey.

Unauthorised use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to My Wellbeing and Learning Journey with appropriate and specific direction to the original content. (But Guest Posts that feature on my blog are not allowed at all to be duplicated, as that is their copyright.)

My feelings – Part 1

So I have been talking about feelings recently. That includes my own personal feelings. If you have not read these posts on this topic, then you can find them below, at the end of this post.

This post is about my recent feelings. Feelings I have not felt since childhood. But then mum’s behaviour how it was on Sunday, I have not seen since my childhood. My teen years to be exact.

My regular readers will know the situation about my mum. But for anyone else, you will have to see earlier posts of some of the things shared. But to put it short, mum took an overdose earlier in the year and since then, she has been closely monitored.

The story to set the scene first

Since I last seen my mum’s nurse, because she wanted to see me so we could altogether talk about my mum’s mental health, I have been a bit concerned about my mum’s health. But more concerned since Sunday.

Saturday, we met up in my local town, to catch a bus to Edwinstowe. We were going to Sherwood Forest. Just the visitor centre, so mum could see that, as walking wise, mum wouldn’t get round the forest now.
Mum enjoyed herself I could see that, for those few hours out and she said she enjoyed herself.
We departed our separate ways when back in my local town. Both of us going back to our own homes.
Later at night, just after 10pm, which I was in bed and just about to turn the light out when my mum texted me, to see if it was ok to come to mine? I said yes and set up the fold-up bed.
When mum came, I gave her chance to unpack before asking if she’d like anything else. Mum said she fine and did not need anything else. So I went to bed.

Sunday morning, I got up at 8am. My mum was already up and I could see mum wasn’t right. I could also tell by her face I was possibly going to get snapped at and I did, after asking her if she had breakfast.
I tried having some form of conversation. It wasn’t working and I got snapped at, so I left her be to do what I needed to do, before going to my local shop.
I chatted about some food, when I came back. Again, conversation not going well and snapped at. So I did not speak unless I was spoken to first. When mum did speak partly, I listened and just said ok, or nodded.
I discussed lunch, as what I was doing today. This was going to be a light lunch and mum looked like she did not want to eat, when it was time. Another concern.
I tempted her to eat something else, which either a pack of crisps, or a flapjack. She chose the flapjack, but not until she snapped back at me before taking it off the plate.
Mum kept nodding off and I let her. When mum seemed a little alert, I tried a different tactic to try and ease the tension in the room. I activated the fart button, on my phone. It worked. She thought I farted too, until I pressed the fart button again. This was the only time we laughed; about 10 minutes, or just under over a fart box, because later before she left in the afternoon, I tried to have another general conservation, for only my mum to keep looking at her watch every 3 seconds. Then while looking at me as I was still speaking, mum spoke over me! “I think I will go outside and wait for taxi ready,” mum said. Her taxi was not due for another 15 minutes and it was raining. So tension again, but this time from me because I listened at the smallest time she spoke. But could I have a conversation about anything? No.
Did I feel I was listened to? No.

Even though we hugged and said love you, to each other. I did not feel my mum realised just how upset she made me feel, in addition to worrying about her with what I was seeing and another thing not mentioned here, that happened, that shows mum’s mental health is declining.

Today, I seen my mum while in her local town and again, I feel the same concerns about my mum’s mental health.

My feelings

Although I have talked a bit about my feelings in the post above, I will now put again all here, along with more.

As I have said, it’s triggered my teen years because how mum was on  Sunday was how she was for a period in my teens, when she stopped taking one of  her medications. (I strongly believe that this is not the case this time and that my mum is taking her medication.) I could not speak now, as I could not then without being snapped at. The walking on eggshells feeling.

As well as me feeling upset and not listened to, I am also very worried about my mum’s mental health decline, which in turn is stressing me out and anxiety is creeping in. I have also felt frustrated, with a little bit of anger.

Yesterday, I felt low and tired. I couldn’t think straight. My mind not great as you know. But I felt worser.
I had a lot of anxiety and it took till middle of the afternoon to calm. Then I heard from mum via a text, that she has been robbed. This made me feel sick that this happened and I am concerned what possible lasting affects this could leave on my mum.

Today, I have anxiety, I feel a little sick, still worried and stressed. Oh, and I have a headache… again.

So yeah. I am very worried right now. A lot of high emotions, with some crying this afternoon and somehow, I am still bloody going to work while I feel as I do.

Related posts:

 

 

© Elizabeth Fisher and My Wellbeing and Learning Journey.

Unauthorised use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to My Wellbeing and Learning Journey with appropriate and specific direction to the original content. (But Guest Posts that feature on my blog are not allowed at all to be duplicated, as that is their copyright.)