Blog post re-share : Apps I find help my mental health. — Life with the Hazelwoods

I have tried three of the apps mentioned in this post and, the one I am going to stick with and see how I go longer term with, will be the Calm Harm app.

It’s all about finding what what works for you.
I am mostly a paper based person, as that’s easier for me. But I have tried apps in the past and found a lot not suitable for me, in different ways. But the Calm Harm on first impressions is good and, although I don’t self-harm, I have been feeling suicidal, as well as having anxiety and depression,
I think this app can help for those too.

Do you use apps?

Do visit this bloggers post and comment there.

When your phone is always in your hand it’s quick and easy to download apps that can help when you’re in a bad place. I downloaded calm harm first. It’s been the best app ever for me. It’s completely personalised and you need a password so nobody else will open it. It’s made for people […]

via Apps I find help my mental health. — Life with the Hazelwoods

Counselling

So as you know, I am waiting for counselling on the NHS after my difficulties of this year, messing with my own mental health. I have already been waiting over 2 months for my assessment. (I thought it was getting on 3 months.)

Via a programme that I automatically have access to, as part of me being an employee with my evening job, counselling services is one of them.
I started wondering that if I contacted them, would I possibly get in quicker? So I queried. It turns out I would, because as soon as I have filled in my assesment form, they will source a counsellor within 10 working days.
So I have filled in my form and sent it back in an email today.

 

© Elizabeth Fisher and My Wellbeing and Learning Journey.

Unauthorised use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to My Wellbeing and Learning Journey with appropriate and specific direction to the original content. But Guest Posts that feature on my blog are not allowed at all to be duplicated.

“Don’t come near keep away”

November is getting near. The month when at some point I am to meet my mum at some point originally.

My mum’s number remains blocked on my phone, until I come to unblocking it, when November arrives. This was to stop me being disturbed while having my own mental wellbeing break, after the burnout I had in August.
It became no contact, because as most of you will know, mum failed to respect my boundaries I needed when I limited the contact. So it became in the end no contact, until I was ready in November.
During the time my mum’s number has been blocked in my phone, I know mum has tried to contact me still, because of the icon that appears on the phone to show that. Most of October has been quiet until recently in which there has been attempted calls during the time I would be working. Mum knows I don’t answer my phone in general because of struggling to hear her, which then spoils the conversation, or worse, arguments because I cannot hear well and I can get frustrated by that, as well as mum getting frustrated with me because I don’t hear. But also she knows I don’t answer when I am at work. How many I have noticed she has attempted these past few days, had her number not been blocked, it would have been annoyingly going off in my pocket, disturbing me working. That’s if aware it going off in the first place, because when I am moving about in my job, I don’t always feel the phone’s vibration.

I wake up this morning and see another attempted contact. I choose to see what contact she was trying again and this time it was a text. Scrambled at the beginning because she don’t know how to delete text, even though I shown her when she first had this phone make years ago, but very clear after what she does say after, which is “Don’t come near keep away.”

Does this upset me after seeing this? No, because of mum never understanding the damage done to me back in July, with the way she behaved that day, that triggered back memories from childhood and from her overdosing in February.
But also knowing mum does not mean what she says. She’s more likely doing this because she thinks this will protect me. But it doesn’t.
It adds to the further of how I feel about all this in regards to how I feel towards mum, from childhood to now.

I also do not trust mum anymore when it comes to her mental health. If she isn’t taking an overdose, she stops taking her medication. That’s the pattern I have known.

I don’t feel ready to see my mum and I wonder if I ever will. The above makes it more easy in not seeing my mum. So although I had written a date in my my dairy when to see my mum originally. The question is whether I will, because I don’t need further shit and how I feel, I think it would turn to an argument within 5 minutes me being there, or if not that, then me being in tears and walking out, like I did when I was 11 and that is why I don’t think I would ever be ready.

 

© Elizabeth Fisher and My Wellbeing and Learning Journey.

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I wouldn’t choose this life again

If there is a such thing as coming back in another life, I wouldn’t choose this life again.

Sorry if this upsets anyone, but I have been holding onto this for a long time.

My lifetime has had a lot of pain and sadness. What happened in my childhood meant it gave me triggers in later life. PTSD a counsellor said I have, for the traumatic things I witnessed/experienced, in my childhood

I don’t have PTSD like some people, so when not showing signs for some time (that I am aware of) meant I thought I was lucky there myself and cured. Yes, I thought I was cured, until I was triggered again.

I know many of my readers do relate and no doubt will relate and understand this post.

I wouldn’t want any child to go through what I had and to still put up with some of the things now, all for the sake of love. It took until I burnt out and for seeing my mum revert slowly back a little. Not helping herself.
The offers are there for her. She’s holding them, but not using them.

I was happy to help and support one time. But when the person is not continuing helping themselves, then I can’t help. I won’t put my emotional energy into it no longer.
The person has to help themselves and do the work too. Something my mum once said, but failing to follow her own advice now.

A family member on my mum’s side keeps saying I should meet up for you for coffee. She said it again after she had that basic update of how me and mum are. I kept saying that would be lovely. Do let me know when. But you know what? I have been waiting for that fucking coffee and meeting up since before my mum took the overdose! It’s gone on even longer than that, because I have been hearing this since last December.
If you do that to a family member, or a friend, then please don’t. Don’t set that person up with that kind of promise, or any kind of promise you can’t keep.

But you my readers, my friends and work colleagues have helped more than anyone else. (With exception of one family member who has unexpectedly helped me in the past, on a different matter.) And I really appreciate  that. But it would be just lovely to just sit in a park, or a cafe,  for that cuppa. Even if it’s just sitting in quiet. I don’t mind quiet. I like quiet.

I would like to see a person be in my position now and do what I have done for my mum in one year. Not forgetting the anxiety, stress, worry, frustration, scared of every text that comes to your phone, until finally it getting very heated and you are feeling burnt out. Would you still do it for another year?
Then try my life of doing it that long from my teens as a carer, but understanding and worrying from 11. You will feel resentment. When you have had the counselling and understood even more how your childhood is affecting the present, you will feel more resentment and maybe anger. And the disappointment and further feeling of being alone, because someone could not keep that promise of going out for a coffee.

If you was a fly on the wall, observing just the day time hours in my flat this past month, you would have seen how difficult it is for me. This past month especially when it got more tense.

Now don’t say I can change this, because changing this would mean cutting mum off completely and I nearly have done that. But for the sake of love, I haven’t quite yet. But I do need that temporary break. It’s very early days, but I do wonder if I will end up doing it permanent, because of what went off over a few days and what hasn’t happened today, which I won’t go into here right now. But it’s early days and I shall see what happens by November.

Until then, I am facing my own battles still, to keep out of that black cloud.

I have self-referred myself, back to counselling.

As for my blood pressure, it is going down. My lower number can be a bit high at times when taking readings. Only time it’s shot up, is when I have been upset.

My asthma is only triggered by the same upset, otherwise it’s much better. I have even got rid of that blanket from underneath my pillows, when I needed to prop myself up more. I didn’t think I would ever get rid of that.

 

© Elizabeth Fisher and My Wellbeing and Learning Journey.

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A change of heart with my mum

As you know with I choose not to… and If you followed last night’s post… it was getting more of a tense time and I was considering cutting ties with my mum completely. But as I calm down further, I am having a slight change of heart. But there is still going to have to be some changes, on both sides.

I’m not going to be her carer. I’m going to be her daughter. I will help top up her phone when I do see her. But that’s it. Nothing else.

From now, until November time, I won’t personally see her, as I still feel I need time away to calm, heal and concentrate on me. But I will allow my mum to text on the first of each month only.

I think mum needs a taste of what it is like, without a daughter. Maybe mum will discover how much she had depended on me.

I hope that from the short temporary break of not seeing her, that mum learns something from this. I hope mum takes more care of herself.

As for me, taking this step back from not being a carer, to just a daughter, as much as I wanted to help, I will know by not doing the caring role, it will be better for me long term. Hopefully, better all round, between me and mum too.

Also, because of the step back I am doing, means more time for me, making sure I do what I want to do and time for me as part of my self-care.

You have to remember, I have been a carer to some degree, since my teens. I’m now 43. So I think I very much deserve time out and keeping distance for a few months. It has only been this year where I have felt I have had some kind of support when it came to my mum.
But as I was still the one who seen her more than anyone else, it has been me that has seen the changes and bore the brunt of it.

When the time comes to seeing my mum in November and our first day meeting up goes ok, the plan will be to only see my mum either once a week, or once every fortnight, from then on. I won’t do anything more than once a week.

I will keep you updated and once again, thank you for your support. Xx

© Elizabeth Fisher and My Wellbeing and Learning Journey.

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If you followed last night’s post…

If you followed the comments in last night’s post, I choose not to…, you will know, after admitting to my blogger friend, Lorraine, that I admitted, I did glance at the letter.
I skimmed it quickly and I was right, another letter that does not benefit me in any way. It just caused me to be upset, regardless it contained what I expected and more.
I skimmed it because I wanted to be sure there was nothing in it to show that she was planning on harming herself again, with having a text that just said sorry on Sunday night, which I did not respond to as I said in last night’s post, because I was going to bed.
To say I texted her last night as I said in last night’s post that I choose not to read it, I heard nothing from that text. Not even an ok, as she normally would.
For all I know, mum could be dead on the floor. But then she could be doing her own thing, giving me space.
Since this year’s overdose, mum has always said she wouldn’t do it again. But given past experience and her mental health now, how am I supposed to trust that?
I should not have glanced at that letter, until I did my blood pressure reading. But I did and so each reading went higher than the one before. It was high.
I went to bed with huge anxiety. Thought I would never sleep. But I did.

This morning, I woke upset. I was tearful and I am also angry with my mum.
I am at the stage today that I want to disown my mum. But this, I would never say in a text.

I have emailed the email I was given by my mum’s nurse, should I ever need to use it as an urgency while mum’s nurse is not available. I have expressed my feelings there of how it has caused me to be off work last week.
How I wonder why as a child, I was never put into care when I have my mum as she was and a verbally abuse father.
How I was sick of holding responsibility as a teenager, when I had not experienced adult life.
So to watch it all unfold and see the signs that I see, in addition to seeing if mum takes this alternative help, when her nurse next sees her to discuss this, that I will not sit and watch all this again.
I have expressed that if mum does not take that alternative help, then it won’t surprise me if I have a mum by Christmas. I will expect her dead before then.
There was more I had written in this email, but it will make it hell of a long post.

As well as the above in how I feel, I may as well have a noose around my neck. That’s how it feels, as though I have that, wondering if mum has already, or will take an overdose. This is the only way I can describe my mental torcher I feel, as well as living in a nightmare I don’t want to be in.

I thank you to those who supported me in last night’s post and I send advanced thanks to this one, in case I fall behind in commenting, with how I feel in this torment.

Post update:

This post: A change of heart with my mum is an updated post, since this one was written.

 

© Elizabeth Fisher and My Wellbeing and Learning Journey.

Unauthorised use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to My Wellbeing and Learning Journey with appropriate and specific direction to the original content. But Guest Posts that feature on my blog are not allowed at all to be duplicated.

My feelings – Part 2

I see my mum tomorrow and I am dreading it. I have been dreading it since Sunday, but also knowing mum no better when I seen her for a short time Tuesday.

Most readers will know that the events earlier in the year changed me. Friends will know how much despair I was in at her bedside, when I was told by medics she could die.

To feel dread in seeing my mum tomorrow, is not a nice feeling I like to have. But from Googling, I seem to not be alone on this.

I even dread the texts at times, because they send me on anxiety, worrying, in  case my mum is having that really bad moment and I can’t get to her.

I forgot in My feelings – Part 1 that how the Sunday was going and the following day, I felt I was at fault. Not the first time I have felt that this year. But a friend who reads my blog and so reassured me after reading part 1 post, also mentioned it wasn’t my fault in that email. Something I needed to hear. But that thought of mine will probably come back now and against, knowing me.

 

© Elizabeth Fisher and My Wellbeing and Learning Journey.

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My feelings – Part 1

So I have been talking about feelings recently. That includes my own personal feelings. If you have not read these posts on this topic, then you can find them below, at the end of this post.

This post is about my recent feelings. Feelings I have not felt since childhood. But then mum’s behaviour how it was on Sunday, I have not seen since my childhood. My teen years to be exact.

My regular readers will know the situation about my mum. But for anyone else, you will have to see earlier posts of some of the things shared. But to put it short, mum took an overdose earlier in the year and since then, she has been closely monitored.

The story to set the scene first

Since I last seen my mum’s nurse, because she wanted to see me so we could altogether talk about my mum’s mental health, I have been a bit concerned about my mum’s health. But more concerned since Sunday.

Saturday, we met up in my local town, to catch a bus to Edwinstowe. We were going to Sherwood Forest. Just the visitor centre, so mum could see that, as walking wise, mum wouldn’t get round the forest now.
Mum enjoyed herself I could see that, for those few hours out and she said she enjoyed herself.
We departed our separate ways when back in my local town. Both of us going back to our own homes.
Later at night, just after 10pm, which I was in bed and just about to turn the light out when my mum texted me, to see if it was ok to come to mine? I said yes and set up the fold-up bed.
When mum came, I gave her chance to unpack before asking if she’d like anything else. Mum said she fine and did not need anything else. So I went to bed.

Sunday morning, I got up at 8am. My mum was already up and I could see mum wasn’t right. I could also tell by her face I was possibly going to get snapped at and I did, after asking her if she had breakfast.
I tried having some form of conversation. It wasn’t working and I got snapped at, so I left her be to do what I needed to do, before going to my local shop.
I chatted about some food, when I came back. Again, conversation not going well and snapped at. So I did not speak unless I was spoken to first. When mum did speak partly, I listened and just said ok, or nodded.
I discussed lunch, as what I was doing today. This was going to be a light lunch and mum looked like she did not want to eat, when it was time. Another concern.
I tempted her to eat something else, which either a pack of crisps, or a flapjack. She chose the flapjack, but not until she snapped back at me before taking it off the plate.
Mum kept nodding off and I let her. When mum seemed a little alert, I tried a different tactic to try and ease the tension in the room. I activated the fart button, on my phone. It worked. She thought I farted too, until I pressed the fart button again. This was the only time we laughed; about 10 minutes, or just under over a fart box, because later before she left in the afternoon, I tried to have another general conservation, for only my mum to keep looking at her watch every 3 seconds. Then while looking at me as I was still speaking, mum spoke over me! “I think I will go outside and wait for taxi ready,” mum said. Her taxi was not due for another 15 minutes and it was raining. So tension again, but this time from me because I listened at the smallest time she spoke. But could I have a conversation about anything? No.
Did I feel I was listened to? No.

Even though we hugged and said love you, to each other. I did not feel my mum realised just how upset she made me feel, in addition to worrying about her with what I was seeing and another thing not mentioned here, that happened, that shows mum’s mental health is declining.

Today, I seen my mum while in her local town and again, I feel the same concerns about my mum’s mental health.

My feelings

Although I have talked a bit about my feelings in the post above, I will now put again all here, along with more.

As I have said, it’s triggered my teen years because how mum was on  Sunday was how she was for a period in my teens, when she stopped taking one of  her medications. (I strongly believe that this is not the case this time and that my mum is taking her medication.) I could not speak now, as I could not then without being snapped at. The walking on eggshells feeling.

As well as me feeling upset and not listened to, I am also very worried about my mum’s mental health decline, which in turn is stressing me out and anxiety is creeping in. I have also felt frustrated, with a little bit of anger.

Yesterday, I felt low and tired. I couldn’t think straight. My mind not great as you know. But I felt worser.
I had a lot of anxiety and it took till middle of the afternoon to calm. Then I heard from mum via a text, that she has been robbed. This made me feel sick that this happened and I am concerned what possible lasting affects this could leave on my mum.

Today, I have anxiety, I feel a little sick, still worried and stressed. Oh, and I have a headache… again.

So yeah. I am very worried right now. A lot of high emotions, with some crying this afternoon and somehow, I am still bloody going to work while I feel as I do.

Related posts:

 

 

© Elizabeth Fisher and My Wellbeing and Learning Journey.

Unauthorised use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to My Wellbeing and Learning Journey with appropriate and specific direction to the original content. (But Guest Posts that feature on my blog are not allowed at all to be duplicated, as that is their copyright.)

My feelings – How I used to be, or can still be.

I talked about in post, Feelings how I need to go in depth, in my feelings a bit more, with not doing it for a while. I have had some feelings surface recently, that I have not felt some time. But before that post, let me talk about the time how I was at my worst with depression and how I can still be now.

My behaviour at worst depression

I have had more than one periods of bad depression. But two ocassions I was on medication temporarily.
At these times I did not want to speak to anyone. But regardless how I felt, I some how managed to speak to at least my mum.
I was happy to stay at home and sometimes I would keep my curtains closed, so I would feel more cocooned in my own space.
Living on my own meant I had to go out, whether I wanted to, or not, as I had to get food in. But when I went out, if I seen anyone I knew, I would do a detour. I wanted to get my stuff I needed and get straight back home, so I could curl up on the settee.
In both my earliest stages of depression, I felt so exhausted, that getting off the settee was hard. If I did not have to move, then I didn’t. When I felt like this, I made sure there was a jug of cold water on my coffee table and a glass, just so I kept myself hydrated.
When it came to food, I’d get it when I felt ready. The odd ocassions I would miss a meal in the day, because I fell asleep.

Going back to when I had to go out to the shops, as I say, if I could avoid anyone I knew, I would. This was because the first line of conversation you can guarantee is, “Hello. How are you?” Now some may not know I am depressed. But at that period in my life, I just did not want to answer that dam question, because mostly, people would want the quick answer of, “I’m fine,” rather than what is actually wrong.
I have seen the odd uncomfortable body postures. So yeah, I would avoid meeting so I could avoid speaking. I also didn’t want to talk about my depressed self. I was depressed enough, without talking further on the topic, depressing myself more.
One time, in a supermarket while part day dreaming and for one moment forgetting why I was there, I spotted someone I knew. I felt a bit cornered and stuck on the spot, that I grabbed a bag of pasta off the shelf and started reading the instructions. Even though I know how to bloody cook it. While reading it, I am hoping I am kind of invisible in my pasta and they did not see me. (Yes, I said this what you are reading about being invisible in my pasta. Not a typo.) And I got away with it I assume, because there was no tap on the shoulder. I then made a dash to the checkouts, with my items and including the pasta and buggered off quickly home.

How I can be now

I can feel low and at times depressed. But not depressed at the extent I need medication. The last time I had medication was back in April 2018, as I blogged in this post; Coming off my antidepressants.
What I feel mainly now is anxiety, stress, irritability, and frustration.

If I have a bad case of anxiety, all I want is space while I bring myself down to an acceptable level of calm.

If I feel very irritable, or frustrated, again I am definitely going to want my own space on this one.

I find if I feel frustrated in myself,then like my depression, when I am aiming to shop, I just want to get there and get my shopping, then come home without interruption.
If I can avoid people while I am feeling like this, then I will. But I do find this doesn’t always work that way for me. But compared to my blackest depression I talked about above, I find I can talk easier and without faking, if I have to. And sometimes after chatting, depending on who I am chatting too and the topic, I would feel better for it after.

As you know, I like to walk. But this year, I have increased my walking even more. It’s my go to, to get rid of the frustration mainly and irritability. But it helps with anxiety also. Especially when in nature. That’s where I really like to be.

Also, after Sundays event with my mum, I have old feelings that have resulted from that, because of how mum was. But I will go on about that in a separate post. That post will be called, “My feelings – part 1, when it does air. I hope to get that post aired in August some time.

If you got to the end of this post, I would like to say thank you for reading.

 

© Elizabeth Fisher and My Wellbeing and Learning Journey.

Unauthorised use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to My Wellbeing and Learning Journey with appropriate and specific direction to the original content. (But Guest Posts that feature on my blog are not allowed at all to be duplicated, as that is their copyright.)

It’s not all rainbows and fairies. But it’s what you make of it.

This is something I feel I need to get off my chest and, as I have a majority of supporting and understanding bloggers, because you have been there yourself, I know you will understand. But it doesn’t mean this post came easy, because I have wanted to write this for a month, but held myself back. But now my red mist has visited me a couple of times and my past couple of posts reflecting this partly. I will let it out. Or as I say, ‘rip.’

Ever since I found my mum that day after her OD, my stress levels have not come completely down, because I have and still worried about my mum. And this red mist that has shown out of the blue, in the comfort of my own home, away from prying eyes and recently only showing it partly on my blog, I have been trying until I can’t contain it no longer. All because I did not want to show this unhappy side of me. I feel because I have shown the red mist because of making it all happy and smiley and saying I’m fine, when I have not always been, giving that fake smile, now shameful because I shown the red mist here.

It’s not all smilies, rainbows and fairies. No one can be 100% happy under life stresses. I have done well finding positives out of my life stresses, which I will try and remember everyone of those these past few months here I made, at the end of the post list them.

I have felt partly pressured here to keep it all happy until I couldn’t any longer and I feel I may be judged by one, or two, who are not me and can’t be 100% fucking happy.

I am trying my best and my best is good enough and at a point I really share my feelings now, because I cannot keep quiet any longer, I will also let this shame go with that I have been carrying and not allow anyone to shame me either!

I think I have done well this year considering what has happened and the pressures I am still under

Regardless I am showing this, I won’t be shamed by anyone, because underneath, I have still found positives to my negatives. I just did not find these instant, because the red mist paid a visit. But I found these positive alternatives 10 minutes, give, or take, after!

Also, this year, since that day with my mum, I have been very forgetful. I have been frustrated with this, but also bloody dizzy at times trying to get my head together, remembering.

So this year, the positives I can remember I found from the negatives:

  • My mum being alive
  • Mum’s situation bringing us together, to where one day be living together.
  • From mum choosing to live with me has now gave me an increased chance of being in a council property, than I would have had on my own.
  • For mum’s situation to move us further up than before, on the banding list.
  • Instagram may have disabled my account but I thought fuck em. I have now created a visual folder on my phone to look at when needed.
  • My to do lists are very important in my daily life, now I am forgetful as I am. It works in addition to my diary as it’s more a visual thing.
  • I have created a “vitality wheel” for myself. It’s a new visual self-care thing for me. I will talk about this later.
  • Walking is my go thing. I may never have got round to running, but walking has never failed. It helps me to feel good.
  • Certain scents I am using for comfort in these last couple of months, to keep my mood positive.

 

© Elizabeth Fisher and My Wellbeing and Learning Journey.

Unauthorised use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to My Wellbeing and Learning Journey with appropriate and specific direction to the original content. But Guest Posts that feature on my blog are not allowed at all to be duplicated.