I wouldn’t choose this life again

If there is a such thing as coming back in another life, I wouldn’t choose this life again.

Sorry if this upsets anyone, but I have been holding onto this for a long time.

My lifetime has had a lot of pain and sadness. What happened in my childhood meant it gave me triggers in later life. PTSD a counsellor said I have, for the traumatic things I witnessed/experienced, in my childhood

I don’t have PTSD like some people, so when not showing signs for some time (that I am aware of) meant I thought I was lucky there myself and cured. Yes, I thought I was cured, until I was triggered again.

I know many of my readers do relate and no doubt will relate and understand this post.

I wouldn’t want any child to go through what I had and to still put up with some of the things now, all for the sake of love. It took until I burnt out and for seeing my mum revert slowly back a little. Not helping herself.
The offers are there for her. She’s holding them, but not using them.

I was happy to help and support one time. But when the person is not continuing helping themselves, then I can’t help. I won’t put my emotional energy into it no longer.
The person has to help themselves and do the work too. Something my mum once said, but failing to follow her own advice now.

A family member on my mum’s side keeps saying I should meet up for you for coffee. She said it again after she had that basic update of how me and mum are. I kept saying that would be lovely. Do let me know when. But you know what? I have been waiting for that fucking coffee and meeting up since before my mum took the overdose! It’s gone on even longer than that, because I have been hearing this since last December.
If you do that to a family member, or a friend, then please don’t. Don’t set that person up with that kind of promise, or any kind of promise you can’t keep.

But you my readers, my friends and work colleagues have helped more than anyone else. (With exception of one family member who has unexpectedly helped me in the past, on a different matter.) And I really appreciate  that. But it would be just lovely to just sit in a park, or a cafe,  for that cuppa. Even if it’s just sitting in quiet. I don’t mind quiet. I like quiet.

I would like to see a person be in my position now and do what I have done for my mum in one year. Not forgetting the anxiety, stress, worry, frustration, scared of every text that comes to your phone, until finally it getting very heated and you are feeling burnt out. Would you still do it for another year?
Then try my life of doing it that long from my teens as a carer, but understanding and worrying from 11. You will feel resentment. When you have had the counselling and understood even more how your childhood is affecting the present, you will feel more resentment and maybe anger. And the disappointment and further feeling of being alone, because someone could not keep that promise of going out for a coffee.

If you was a fly on the wall, observing just the day time hours in my flat this past month, you would have seen how difficult it is for me. This past month especially when it got more tense.

Now don’t say I can change this, because changing this would mean cutting mum off completely and I nearly have done that. But for the sake of love, I haven’t quite yet. But I do need that temporary break. It’s very early days, but I do wonder if I will end up doing it permanent, because of what went off over a few days and what hasn’t happened today, which I won’t go into here right now. But it’s early days and I shall see what happens by November.

Until then, I am facing my own battles still, to keep out of that black cloud.

I have self-referred myself, back to counselling.

As for my blood pressure, it is going down. My lower number can be a bit high at times when taking readings. Only time it’s shot up, is when I have been upset.

My asthma is only triggered by the same upset, otherwise it’s much better. I have even got rid of that blanket from underneath my pillows, when I needed to prop myself up more. I didn’t think I would ever get rid of that.

 

© Elizabeth Fisher and My Wellbeing and Learning Journey.

Unauthorised use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to My Wellbeing and Learning Journey with appropriate and specific direction to the original content. But Guest Posts that feature on my blog are not allowed at all to be duplicated.

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A change of heart with my mum

As you know with I choose not to… and If you followed last night’s post… it was getting more of a tense time and I was considering cutting ties with my mum completely. But as I calm down further, I am having a slight change of heart. But there is still going to have to be some changes, on both sides.

I’m not going to be her carer. I’m going to be her daughter. I will help top up her phone when I do see her. But that’s it. Nothing else.

From now, until November time, I won’t personally see her, as I still feel I need time away to calm, heal and concentrate on me. But I will allow my mum to text on the first of each month only.

I think mum needs a taste of what it is like, without a daughter. Maybe mum will discover how much she had depended on me.

I hope that from the short temporary break of not seeing her, that mum learns something from this. I hope mum takes more care of herself.

As for me, taking this step back from not being a carer, to just a daughter, as much as I wanted to help, I will know by not doing the caring role, it will be better for me long term. Hopefully, better all round, between me and mum too.

Also, because of the step back I am doing, means more time for me, making sure I do what I want to do and time for me as part of my self-care.

You have to remember, I have been a carer to some degree, since my teens. I’m now 43. So I think I very much deserve time out and keeping distance for a few months. It has only been this year where I have felt I have had some kind of support when it came to my mum.
But as I was still the one who seen her more than anyone else, it has been me that has seen the changes and bore the brunt of it.

When the time comes to seeing my mum in November and our first day meeting up goes ok, the plan will be to only see my mum either once a week, or once every fortnight, from then on. I won’t do anything more than once a week.

I will keep you updated and once again, thank you for your support. Xx

© Elizabeth Fisher and My Wellbeing and Learning Journey.

Unauthorised use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to My Wellbeing and Learning Journey with appropriate and specific direction to the original content. But Guest Posts that feature on my blog are not allowed at all to be duplicated.

If you followed last night’s post…

If you followed the comments in last night’s post, I choose not to…, you will know, after admitting to my blogger friend, Lorraine, that I admitted, I did glance at the letter.
I skimmed it quickly and I was right, another letter that does not benefit me in any way. It just caused me to be upset, regardless it contained what I expected and more.
I skimmed it because I wanted to be sure there was nothing in it to show that she was planning on harming herself again, with having a text that just said sorry on Sunday night, which I did not respond to as I said in last night’s post, because I was going to bed.
To say I texted her last night as I said in last night’s post that I choose not to read it, I heard nothing from that text. Not even an ok, as she normally would.
For all I know, mum could be dead on the floor. But then she could be doing her own thing, giving me space.
Since this year’s overdose, mum has always said she wouldn’t do it again. But given past experience and her mental health now, how am I supposed to trust that?
I should not have glanced at that letter, until I did my blood pressure reading. But I did and so each reading went higher than the one before. It was high.
I went to bed with huge anxiety. Thought I would never sleep. But I did.

This morning, I woke upset. I was tearful and I am also angry with my mum.
I am at the stage today that I want to disown my mum. But this, I would never say in a text.

I have emailed the email I was given by my mum’s nurse, should I ever need to use it as an urgency while mum’s nurse is not available. I have expressed my feelings there of how it has caused me to be off work last week.
How I wonder why as a child, I was never put into care when I have my mum as she was and a verbally abuse father.
How I was sick of holding responsibility as a teenager, when I had not experienced adult life.
So to watch it all unfold and see the signs that I see, in addition to seeing if mum takes this alternative help, when her nurse next sees her to discuss this, that I will not sit and watch all this again.
I have expressed that if mum does not take that alternative help, then it won’t surprise me if I have a mum by Christmas. I will expect her dead before then.
There was more I had written in this email, but it will make it hell of a long post.

As well as the above in how I feel, I may as well have a noose around my neck. That’s how it feels, as though I have that, wondering if mum has already, or will take an overdose. This is the only way I can describe my mental torcher I feel, as well as living in a nightmare I don’t want to be in.

I thank you to those who supported me in last night’s post and I send advanced thanks to this one, in case I fall behind in commenting, with how I feel in this torment.

Post update:

This post: A change of heart with my mum is an updated post, since this one was written.

 

© Elizabeth Fisher and My Wellbeing and Learning Journey.

Unauthorised use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to My Wellbeing and Learning Journey with appropriate and specific direction to the original content. But Guest Posts that feature on my blog are not allowed at all to be duplicated.