Childhood retreat

When ‘Beauty and the Beast’ aired on British TV, I absolutely loved it, when I was a kid. Staring Ron Perlman, as Vincent and Linda Hamilton, as Catherine, watching it was an escape from the world of bullies and things that sometimes went on at home. The trouble was, it was only on one day a week, which wasn’t enough for me. I would escape into my own world, when it was time for bed and imagine being there with them, giving myself a new name and creating new stories. It was my safe world, because this was a safe world for all the different characters that lived there, below the city streets. Each of them with a past story, before they came to live there, where they felt safe and loved. Having a purpose.
I watched every single one, except for the very last one, or the one also before that. I was absolutely gutted I missed the ending, which I recorded and did not catch the end. It obviously started late, because I always used to put an extra ten minutes past the finishing time. I kept looking in the papers each week, wondering why it was not on and wondering when it would be on again, not realising it had completely finished altogether. It wasn’t until I was an adult and having access to the internet and Googling it, that I had learnt it had completely finished and how it ended.
For some years now, (but I don’t know how long exactly,) I own the whole episodes on DVD’s. As a late-deafened adult, I totally rely on subtitles to watch anything, so when I ordered the DVD set from Amazon which the DVD’s are import, I made sure it said that they had subtitles. Which it did. But when it came to playing them on my all-region DVD player, I only found that the subtitles were only on the extras, not on the series itself. I was disappointed, but because I needed the escape again, I kept them and watched them all. But watching only, as I could not follow the conversations and the character, Vincent is not a person you can even lip-read for a start.

Fast forward to the present, I bought a second external CD/DVD player for my laptop of a different model, so I could just play my American import DVD’s. Not only do I have ‘Beauty and the Beast,’ I have ‘Sue Thomas FBEye’ complete series too. (No problem with Sue Thomas though, the subs were available when watching them on my old DVD player.) When I played a ‘Beauty and the Beast’ DVD, to check it worked on this new external player ok, I could see there was an options for closed captions and so I clicked on it and before my eyes I seen subtitles pop up to what was being said at the time. (Theme music that starts at the beginning and the words of Vincent.) So I am expecting this will happen on every one now. I was so happy to see this and cried with tears of joy. This TV series means so much to me and I can’t see I will ever get bored with it. It’s my escape still, when I watch them, but the only difference is I won’t be creating new scenes and jump into that world when I go to bed at night, as I did when I was a kid.

Book review: “Untangled: A story of resilience, courage and triumph,” by Alexis Rose.

“Untangled: …” by Alexis Rose is her own true life story, recalling her life of unimaginable abuse and explicit threats. Alexis Rose repressed these memories of her past, until a family tragedy forced her to face what her life had been.

This book gives a note to the readers before the story starts, to warn how it could be triggering because of descriptions of sexual and physical abuse.

A history of abuse, torture and threats to maintain her silence or be killed, could no longer be denied.
This book is her story of facing the truth and risking the consequences of breaking the silence, to start a healing journey and to learn to live her life. Alexis Rose had to also learn to accept the effects of the trauma that echo through her daily life as PTSD.

Through reading this book, it shows just how our mind dissociates while being abused.
Dissociation is something I have experienced as you know from my blog posts. But to experience what Alexis Rose had all through her life, I could not imagine. This book certainly lives up to the title of resilience and it gives hope to other victims who have suffered trauma and abuse, that you can get through it too. This book helped me to understand more about PTSD and the way my own PTSD had effected me, when I was struggling with mine at the beginning of my counselling sessions, when it was raw to start off with and during, that I revealed to my counsellor.

When I got to page 204, I shed tears of relief as Alexis Rose found the missing link with her counsellor.

I have been following Alexis Rose’s blog, ‘Untangled’ for some time now, which you can find here at: https://atribeuntangled.com/blog/

Alexis also did an interview you may like to read at, Vilina Christoph.

The power and necessity of self expression in healing trauma — Emerging From The Dark Night

A well-written post that caught my eye this morning, that I would like to share with my readers. Please visit “Emerging From The Dark Night,” to read all of this post.

I woke late this morning to hear the tail end of a very powerful interview with an aboriginal writer and artist. Rhonda Collard Spratt who has recently written a book on the trauma of being one of the stolen generation, those precious young children who were forceably removed from family and community ‘for their own good’ by […]

via The power and necessity of self expression in healing trauma — Emerging From The Dark Night

Dissociation

What is dissociation?

Dissociation is a self-defense mechanism that the brain uses when it cannot handle the current situation, or when it is attempting to process something painful.

When this happens, the person begins to feel unreal, sometimes they feel as though they are watching themselves go through their day-to-day activities, other times it’s an entirely eerie feeling, as if their body does not belong to them.

Learn more here, at Mind.

PANIC ATTACK!

Knowing how awful panic attacks can be and reading this blog post regarding how a wonderful person helped one of my favourite bloggers, through her panic attack. I wanted to share this post on her behalf, even though I am taking a break from blogging currently. I could not ignore this post request.

SUMMER STARTS TO SHINE

PLEASE RE-POST THIS….I WANT IT SHARED AS WIDELY AS POSSIBLE.

(ESPECIALLY IF YOU LIVE IN THE NORTH-EAST OF ENGLAND.)

Here is my actual Facebook post which I want people to share…

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PLEASE LIKE AND SHARE THORUGHOUT THE NORTH-EAST AND BEYOND XXX

People of the North-East. Please help me track down my ‘angel of the north’ who helped me through my PANIC ATTACK at the Tyne Tunnel toll booths yesterday at approx. 1pm when I was en route to a meeting in South Shields.

You did everything *perfectly* to help get me through that horrendous experience, and I genuinely don’t know how I would have coped in that traumatic and terrifying situation without your AMAZING altruistic support.

PLEASE SHARE THIS POST AS WIDELY AS YOU CAN THROUGHOUT THE NORTH-EAST AS I WANT TO FIND THIS WOMAN AND PERSONALLY THANK HER!!!

I told my story about you and how you helped me…

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NO, means NO.

(Content warning: rape.)

As I have mentioned in two earlier posts, (that are at the end of this one,) I have said at one time I was raped. It happened once, but once is enough to affect you big time. A few days after it happened, I walked out with just the clothes I was wearing. There was no way I was staying in that kind of relationship.
I was already questioning how he spoke odd occasions to me, whether directly, or indirectly. I realise that some, if not all, were emotional abuse. Some of the emotional abuse did not click with me till after I left.

I collected my belongings later. (Clothes eventually all replaced, as I said in post, ‘To feel clean.’)

Rape happened, in marriage. It started off at first as consensual sex and we had been making love for some time, but I started getting tired and I told him to stop and he didn’t. I told him again to stop, then I said no, no, no, stop I am tired and it hurts.
I could not push him off because I was tired. He stopped sometime after, probably not as long as it felt for me at that time and he lay on his back or side. (I can’t remember which.)
I pulled myself to my left side and moved myself so I was lying near the edge of the bed, because I did not want my back to touch him. I was curled in a ball crying as quiet as I could, but if he was awake, I’m sure he would have felt the bed trembling because of me trying to contain my sobbing.
The next morning he said, “Sorry,” as he tried to put his arms around me. I quickly stepped back and I remember putting my hands up saying, “Don’t touch me! Just don’t touch me.” I remember saying to him, how I told him to stop the night before and how it hurt because he didn’t. There was more said, but that is such a blur now.

I remember that next night, I chose not to sleep with him and I slept on the floor, in the spare room. I can’t remember if it was the following morning I left, or the day after. All hazy now. But I don’t need to remember, because at the end of the day, I left him.

Some time later after getting my things, I remember he wanted to chat and so I met up with him. My mum was not comfortable to the idea, but I reassured her I wasn’t going back and that I was going to be in a public area, so he could not harm me if he tried. I listened partly, the rest I don’t know what he said, as I was miles away.
After he had his say, I looked at my watch and said, “Right, I’m going.” He looked gobsmacked at me and said, “Don’t you want to say anything?” I didn’t and I said to him, “Did you really think there be a chance for us to get back together? cos there’s no chance. Now I am off, going back home, as my mum is expecting me for lunch and if I am not back at time stated, she will be getting rather nervous.”
I walked off and at one point where I was walking, there was no need for him to follow me that far, as it was going out of his way. He challenged me, saying “Am I really going to throw our marriage away just like that?” and I replied that I already did, the day I walked out. I turned my back, but he was still going to continue to follow, that was when I threatened him and said that if he was still following me after I had counted to ten, then I would scream rape. He replied that I wouldn’t dare, which I responded, try me, cos after all, that’s what you did when we were together and that is why I am no longer with you. I continued walking, counting to ten, then I turned around. Thankfully, he wasn’t there following me still and chosen to go back the other way. It was it was the last thing I wanted to do, but where I walking, I may not have seen anyone, leaving me vulnerable spot to be in. I also felt very vulnerable at that point and scared, although there was no way I was going to show that in front of him. I was so glad when I came across someone I knew and I was so glad when I arrived home.

If you are in a relationship where you are receiving verbal or physical abuse, just get out of it. Go somewhere else, where you are safe. Don’t accept their apologies, as it will only happen again. YOU deserve more than that.

I did not report mine because of how messed up I was mentally and I know I could still never report it. But also because it was just me and him and I wondered if there would have been good evidence to have him for that. I have been told it does not matter how many years ago it happened, it is still not too late to report and there are ways to prove. But it’s not for me, so please don’t judge and respect my wishes. This has been a hard post to write than expected.
But if you want to report your attack, then please do and get the right support of family, or friends, the Police, or Rape Crisis.
I know Rape Crisis will support you if you need counselling and if you are ready to report it, they will support you all the way, as they offered this support to me.
Rape Crisis also pointed out to me that it is never too late to report rape, but they also pointed out to me that there is no pressure to do this, until I am ready.

As I write this post, I feel that SAME sickness now, as I did then all those years ago, when it happened. So between me writing this and it going to air, I will be doing my necessary comforts. This will be to feel the softness of my fleecy blanket while draped over my legs and drinking a blackcurrant tea, observing the taste and smell as I drink it.

Related posts:

#ITSNOTOK

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6th to 12th February 2017, is “Sexual Abuse and Sexual Violence Awareness Week.” I have spoken recently in a couple of posts about rape. The first post was rather brief in ‘Unseen.’ I then spoke about it a bit more, in my post called, ‘To feel clean.’

Sexual abuse and violence is unacceptable and this type of abuse can happen to anyone, all ages, any gender, ethnicity or cultural background.

Sexual abuse and violence is unacceptable.

Perpetrators need to know that this will NOT be tolerated and more action is being taken.

The awareness week is an opportunity for everyone to participate in a discussion and raise the awareness on this matter.

For events and ways to get involved, visit: http://sexualabuseandsexualviolenceawarenessweek.org 

For help and support:

Women’s Aid Integrated Service 24 hr helpline: 0808 800 0340
Topaz Centre (Males and females): 0845 600 1588
Nottinghamshire Rape Crisis Centre (NRCC) (Men and women) – 0115 9507696
Victim Support – 0808 168 9111
ChildLine – 0800 1111
http://thesurvivorstrust.org/ – 0808 801 0818
http://napac.org.uk/ – 0808 801 0331
http://www.SurvivorsUk.org (Males) – 020 3598 3898