A trigger that can still catch me out, is when I am accused of something I have not done, that is of a serious nature. I can quickly show my anger as the response I feel brewing inside of me is so strong. This is because of when I was a child, I was once accused by a close family member of taking money from a particular place that she had. Looking back on my very earlier blog posts where I talked about my childhood, I thought I had raised this there, but I don’t seemed to have. I can see why I chosen not to do it, to protect the person. I still am, hence using the word ‘close family member.’ But that person, knows how to this day that accusation has affected me. Who ever I shop for, it doesn’t matter, I will still always come back with a receipt. It’s my protection.
Now recently, another same situation cropped up at work. (Not to do with money, but instead a key.) It wasn’t aimed directly at me, just the department I work for which I will call A. The people throwing this accusation were where I get the key from, which I will call B. It was B’s fault, because from the week before when it was signed back in, at some point it went missing and they did not have anything to show in their book who had it. No one in A had it at the start of the week and it is not needed by us at the weekend. But no, like before, B like to blame A.
Now although I know it was not aimed directly at me, my response and how I felt inside was the same as it would have been, had I been accused. Like they did when this happened before. They decided it was someones fault I found later, from our department, but that person never had that key, because he wasn’t given that one and this person has the proof. But because I knew they were throwing the same trick as they did to me, it got me angry and pent-up. I let my department know what was going off and they were not happy to hear of this happening. (I hope they have done something about it.)
From telling them, I thought that as well as letting them know what was going on, that also it would undo all the pent-up anger I had inside me. Did it heck.
When I was home I focused on my cat, did mindfulness drinking of my tea and lit a scented candle, which after doing this, I was 90% better. I then decided to go to bed early, to switch off, but when I got up the next morning, my body was telling me about it from how I was the day before; painful joints, feeling tired and a little tense.
I went out to focus on my studies and I drank my latte mindfully. Eventually, I was mindfully better, but I still had to contend with my pains and tiredness for the rest of the day.
I know, through the help of my counselling I had that time, that I am now aware that these feelings I have when I hear of accusations like this, whether directly at me, or at A, are the same emotions I felt from my childhood. This, along with the injustice of it all.
My response has reminded me, that there are still times when I have some work to do, to try to ease these emotions less.
I have to remind myself that whether against me, or others in A, that for my own health, I have to try and keep this stress minimal as I can. By doing so, I won’t have the side effects afterwards in my body, where I am tired and having joint pain. But this is going to be hard, I know.
If you can relate and you have tips to share, that are different from what I am practising, then please share.