“Don’t come near keep away”

November is getting near. The month when at some point I am to meet my mum at some point originally.

My mum’s number remains blocked on my phone, until I come to unblocking it, when November arrives. This was to stop me being disturbed while having my own mental wellbeing break, after the burnout I had in August.
It became no contact, because as most of you will know, mum failed to respect my boundaries I needed when I limited the contact. So it became in the end no contact, until I was ready in November.
During the time my mum’s number has been blocked in my phone, I know mum has tried to contact me still, because of the icon that appears on the phone to show that. Most of October has been quiet until recently in which there has been attempted calls during the time I would be working. Mum knows I don’t answer my phone in general because of struggling to hear her, which then spoils the conversation, or worse, arguments because I cannot hear well and I can get frustrated by that, as well as mum getting frustrated with me because I don’t hear. But also she knows I don’t answer when I am at work. How many I have noticed she has attempted these past few days, had her number not been blocked, it would have been annoyingly going off in my pocket, disturbing me working. That’s if aware it going off in the first place, because when I am moving about in my job, I don’t always feel the phone’s vibration.

I wake up this morning and see another attempted contact. I choose to see what contact she was trying again and this time it was a text. Scrambled at the beginning because she don’t know how to delete text, even though I shown her when she first had this phone make years ago, but very clear after what she does say after, which is “Don’t come near keep away.”

Does this upset me after seeing this? No, because of mum never understanding the damage done to me back in July, with the way she behaved that day, that triggered back memories from childhood and from her overdosing in February.
But also knowing mum does not mean what she says. She’s more likely doing this because she thinks this will protect me. But it doesn’t.
It adds to the further of how I feel about all this in regards to how I feel towards mum, from childhood to now.

I also do not trust mum anymore when it comes to her mental health. If she isn’t taking an overdose, she stops taking her medication. That’s the pattern I have known.

I don’t feel ready to see my mum and I wonder if I ever will. The above makes it more easy in not seeing my mum. So although I had written a date in my my dairy when to see my mum originally. The question is whether I will, because I don’t need further shit and how I feel, I think it would turn to an argument within 5 minutes me being there, or if not that, then me being in tears and walking out, like I did when I was 11 and that is why I don’t think I would ever be ready.

 

© Elizabeth Fisher and My Wellbeing and Learning Journey.

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I wouldn’t choose this life again

If there is a such thing as coming back in another life, I wouldn’t choose this life again.

Sorry if this upsets anyone, but I have been holding onto this for a long time.

My lifetime has had a lot of pain and sadness. What happened in my childhood meant it gave me triggers in later life. PTSD a counsellor said I have, for the traumatic things I witnessed/experienced, in my childhood

I don’t have PTSD like some people, so when not showing signs for some time (that I am aware of) meant I thought I was lucky there myself and cured. Yes, I thought I was cured, until I was triggered again.

I know many of my readers do relate and no doubt will relate and understand this post.

I wouldn’t want any child to go through what I had and to still put up with some of the things now, all for the sake of love. It took until I burnt out and for seeing my mum revert slowly back a little. Not helping herself.
The offers are there for her. She’s holding them, but not using them.

I was happy to help and support one time. But when the person is not continuing helping themselves, then I can’t help. I won’t put my emotional energy into it no longer.
The person has to help themselves and do the work too. Something my mum once said, but failing to follow her own advice now.

A family member on my mum’s side keeps saying I should meet up for you for coffee. She said it again after she had that basic update of how me and mum are. I kept saying that would be lovely. Do let me know when. But you know what? I have been waiting for that fucking coffee and meeting up since before my mum took the overdose! It’s gone on even longer than that, because I have been hearing this since last December.
If you do that to a family member, or a friend, then please don’t. Don’t set that person up with that kind of promise, or any kind of promise you can’t keep.

But you my readers, my friends and work colleagues have helped more than anyone else. (With exception of one family member who has unexpectedly helped me in the past, on a different matter.) And I really appreciate  that. But it would be just lovely to just sit in a park, or a cafe,  for that cuppa. Even if it’s just sitting in quiet. I don’t mind quiet. I like quiet.

I would like to see a person be in my position now and do what I have done for my mum in one year. Not forgetting the anxiety, stress, worry, frustration, scared of every text that comes to your phone, until finally it getting very heated and you are feeling burnt out. Would you still do it for another year?
Then try my life of doing it that long from my teens as a carer, but understanding and worrying from 11. You will feel resentment. When you have had the counselling and understood even more how your childhood is affecting the present, you will feel more resentment and maybe anger. And the disappointment and further feeling of being alone, because someone could not keep that promise of going out for a coffee.

If you was a fly on the wall, observing just the day time hours in my flat this past month, you would have seen how difficult it is for me. This past month especially when it got more tense.

Now don’t say I can change this, because changing this would mean cutting mum off completely and I nearly have done that. But for the sake of love, I haven’t quite yet. But I do need that temporary break. It’s very early days, but I do wonder if I will end up doing it permanent, because of what went off over a few days and what hasn’t happened today, which I won’t go into here right now. But it’s early days and I shall see what happens by November.

Until then, I am facing my own battles still, to keep out of that black cloud.

I have self-referred myself, back to counselling.

As for my blood pressure, it is going down. My lower number can be a bit high at times when taking readings. Only time it’s shot up, is when I have been upset.

My asthma is only triggered by the same upset, otherwise it’s much better. I have even got rid of that blanket from underneath my pillows, when I needed to prop myself up more. I didn’t think I would ever get rid of that.

 

© Elizabeth Fisher and My Wellbeing and Learning Journey.

Unauthorised use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to My Wellbeing and Learning Journey with appropriate and specific direction to the original content. But Guest Posts that feature on my blog are not allowed at all to be duplicated.

If you followed last night’s post…

If you followed the comments in last night’s post, I choose not to…, you will know, after admitting to my blogger friend, Lorraine, that I admitted, I did glance at the letter.
I skimmed it quickly and I was right, another letter that does not benefit me in any way. It just caused me to be upset, regardless it contained what I expected and more.
I skimmed it because I wanted to be sure there was nothing in it to show that she was planning on harming herself again, with having a text that just said sorry on Sunday night, which I did not respond to as I said in last night’s post, because I was going to bed.
To say I texted her last night as I said in last night’s post that I choose not to read it, I heard nothing from that text. Not even an ok, as she normally would.
For all I know, mum could be dead on the floor. But then she could be doing her own thing, giving me space.
Since this year’s overdose, mum has always said she wouldn’t do it again. But given past experience and her mental health now, how am I supposed to trust that?
I should not have glanced at that letter, until I did my blood pressure reading. But I did and so each reading went higher than the one before. It was high.
I went to bed with huge anxiety. Thought I would never sleep. But I did.

This morning, I woke upset. I was tearful and I am also angry with my mum.
I am at the stage today that I want to disown my mum. But this, I would never say in a text.

I have emailed the email I was given by my mum’s nurse, should I ever need to use it as an urgency while mum’s nurse is not available. I have expressed my feelings there of how it has caused me to be off work last week.
How I wonder why as a child, I was never put into care when I have my mum as she was and a verbally abuse father.
How I was sick of holding responsibility as a teenager, when I had not experienced adult life.
So to watch it all unfold and see the signs that I see, in addition to seeing if mum takes this alternative help, when her nurse next sees her to discuss this, that I will not sit and watch all this again.
I have expressed that if mum does not take that alternative help, then it won’t surprise me if I have a mum by Christmas. I will expect her dead before then.
There was more I had written in this email, but it will make it hell of a long post.

As well as the above in how I feel, I may as well have a noose around my neck. That’s how it feels, as though I have that, wondering if mum has already, or will take an overdose. This is the only way I can describe my mental torcher I feel, as well as living in a nightmare I don’t want to be in.

I thank you to those who supported me in last night’s post and I send advanced thanks to this one, in case I fall behind in commenting, with how I feel in this torment.

Post update:

This post: A change of heart with my mum is an updated post, since this one was written.

 

© Elizabeth Fisher and My Wellbeing and Learning Journey.

Unauthorised use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to My Wellbeing and Learning Journey with appropriate and specific direction to the original content. But Guest Posts that feature on my blog are not allowed at all to be duplicated.

I choose not to…

As I said in Chit-chat August, I had a letter off mum to read when I felt settled, as mum said. When I asked  mum what was basically in it, given that past experiences of reading her letters has not benefited me and have left me upset since aged 11. All mum said was she wrote everything in there. I said I could not promise when I would read it, if I ever do, because all it is doing to me is filling me with dread to read it now.
No reassuring words from mum what so ever, than what she said, “I have written it all in there.”
So I know given the circumstances, this letter will not benefit me and only upset me, reading what I already know and more.
Why should I allow my mum to do this to me again, after many times before?
Well I am not. Not again and so after only having that letter in my hands to read one day, since Saturday, I chose to shred it tonight.

I sent the following text to my mum, to tell her I choose not to read and why.

“I have shredded your letter. I have not read it because I choose not to. I choose not to open a letter that could possibly upset. Given my experience of past letters from you since aged 11, a majority have never benefited me from reading. Only one letter ever did and I won’t allow myself to get further upset then I have already been. X”

How I feel right now. I am getting ready to disown my mum. Yes. That’s how I feel right now and I feel angry also for feeling this. I feel angry with my mum making me feel like this.

Work though. They have been bloody amazing and supportive as usual, when I told them what has been going off and how I feel about it that I mention here, after my first day back, from being sick off work last week.

 

© Elizabeth Fisher and My Wellbeing and Learning Journey.

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My feelings – Part 2

I see my mum tomorrow and I am dreading it. I have been dreading it since Sunday, but also knowing mum no better when I seen her for a short time Tuesday.

Most readers will know that the events earlier in the year changed me. Friends will know how much despair I was in at her bedside, when I was told by medics she could die.

To feel dread in seeing my mum tomorrow, is not a nice feeling I like to have. But from Googling, I seem to not be alone on this.

I even dread the texts at times, because they send me on anxiety, worrying, in  case my mum is having that really bad moment and I can’t get to her.

I forgot in My feelings – Part 1 that how the Sunday was going and the following day, I felt I was at fault. Not the first time I have felt that this year. But a friend who reads my blog and so reassured me after reading part 1 post, also mentioned it wasn’t my fault in that email. Something I needed to hear. But that thought of mine will probably come back now and against, knowing me.

 

© Elizabeth Fisher and My Wellbeing and Learning Journey.

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My feelings – Part 1

So I have been talking about feelings recently. That includes my own personal feelings. If you have not read these posts on this topic, then you can find them below, at the end of this post.

This post is about my recent feelings. Feelings I have not felt since childhood. But then mum’s behaviour how it was on Sunday, I have not seen since my childhood. My teen years to be exact.

My regular readers will know the situation about my mum. But for anyone else, you will have to see earlier posts of some of the things shared. But to put it short, mum took an overdose earlier in the year and since then, she has been closely monitored.

The story to set the scene first

Since I last seen my mum’s nurse, because she wanted to see me so we could altogether talk about my mum’s mental health, I have been a bit concerned about my mum’s health. But more concerned since Sunday.

Saturday, we met up in my local town, to catch a bus to Edwinstowe. We were going to Sherwood Forest. Just the visitor centre, so mum could see that, as walking wise, mum wouldn’t get round the forest now.
Mum enjoyed herself I could see that, for those few hours out and she said she enjoyed herself.
We departed our separate ways when back in my local town. Both of us going back to our own homes.
Later at night, just after 10pm, which I was in bed and just about to turn the light out when my mum texted me, to see if it was ok to come to mine? I said yes and set up the fold-up bed.
When mum came, I gave her chance to unpack before asking if she’d like anything else. Mum said she fine and did not need anything else. So I went to bed.

Sunday morning, I got up at 8am. My mum was already up and I could see mum wasn’t right. I could also tell by her face I was possibly going to get snapped at and I did, after asking her if she had breakfast.
I tried having some form of conversation. It wasn’t working and I got snapped at, so I left her be to do what I needed to do, before going to my local shop.
I chatted about some food, when I came back. Again, conversation not going well and snapped at. So I did not speak unless I was spoken to first. When mum did speak partly, I listened and just said ok, or nodded.
I discussed lunch, as what I was doing today. This was going to be a light lunch and mum looked like she did not want to eat, when it was time. Another concern.
I tempted her to eat something else, which either a pack of crisps, or a flapjack. She chose the flapjack, but not until she snapped back at me before taking it off the plate.
Mum kept nodding off and I let her. When mum seemed a little alert, I tried a different tactic to try and ease the tension in the room. I activated the fart button, on my phone. It worked. She thought I farted too, until I pressed the fart button again. This was the only time we laughed; about 10 minutes, or just under over a fart box, because later before she left in the afternoon, I tried to have another general conservation, for only my mum to keep looking at her watch every 3 seconds. Then while looking at me as I was still speaking, mum spoke over me! “I think I will go outside and wait for taxi ready,” mum said. Her taxi was not due for another 15 minutes and it was raining. So tension again, but this time from me because I listened at the smallest time she spoke. But could I have a conversation about anything? No.
Did I feel I was listened to? No.

Even though we hugged and said love you, to each other. I did not feel my mum realised just how upset she made me feel, in addition to worrying about her with what I was seeing and another thing not mentioned here, that happened, that shows mum’s mental health is declining.

Today, I seen my mum while in her local town and again, I feel the same concerns about my mum’s mental health.

My feelings

Although I have talked a bit about my feelings in the post above, I will now put again all here, along with more.

As I have said, it’s triggered my teen years because how mum was on  Sunday was how she was for a period in my teens, when she stopped taking one of  her medications. (I strongly believe that this is not the case this time and that my mum is taking her medication.) I could not speak now, as I could not then without being snapped at. The walking on eggshells feeling.

As well as me feeling upset and not listened to, I am also very worried about my mum’s mental health decline, which in turn is stressing me out and anxiety is creeping in. I have also felt frustrated, with a little bit of anger.

Yesterday, I felt low and tired. I couldn’t think straight. My mind not great as you know. But I felt worser.
I had a lot of anxiety and it took till middle of the afternoon to calm. Then I heard from mum via a text, that she has been robbed. This made me feel sick that this happened and I am concerned what possible lasting affects this could leave on my mum.

Today, I have anxiety, I feel a little sick, still worried and stressed. Oh, and I have a headache… again.

So yeah. I am very worried right now. A lot of high emotions, with some crying this afternoon and somehow, I am still bloody going to work while I feel as I do.

Related posts:

 

 

© Elizabeth Fisher and My Wellbeing and Learning Journey.

Unauthorised use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to My Wellbeing and Learning Journey with appropriate and specific direction to the original content. (But Guest Posts that feature on my blog are not allowed at all to be duplicated, as that is their copyright.)

What always brings tears to your eyes?

Lots of things can bring tears to my eyes and the stress and some unexpected events I have blogged about, have brought tears to my eyes.

But away from life, the one thing that will always bring tears to my eyes, is when it comes to animals; whether they are in the wild, or domestic.

Animal cruelty, is always distressing and triggering for me and will bring tears to my eyes. I can’t bear animal cruelty.

Had I not witnessed animal cruelty at such a young age, by my dad, could I have reacted different?
I guess in some way I would have reacted differently, because had I not witnessed animal cruelty at a young age, it wouldn’t have been triggering. But no doubt I would have still find it very distressing and upsetting, because of my huge love for animals. So it would bring tears to my eyes.

No one deserves an animal, if they are going to be cruel to it.

I’m sure I am not alone in feelings that the people who are cruel to their pets, or other animals, ought to have the equivalent done back to them, for hurting such a defenceless animal.

What brings tears to your eyes?

 

© Elizabeth Fisher and My Wellbeing and Learning Journey.

Unauthorised use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to My Wellbeing and Learning Journey with appropriate and specific direction to the original content. (But Guest Posts that feature on my blog are not allowed at all to be duplicated, as that is their copyright.)

Some unhelpful comments I’ve received

Just some unhelpful comments I can remember over my lifetime that I have heard, or still hear.

“Chin up”

Oh how I hate this one. I have said about hearing this, in this post, How has stigma around mental health affected you?
Depending on my mood at the time this is said, I can either be sighing and rolling my eyes inside myself, or sarcastically thinking how I could give you chin up if my fist went upwards to your chin, then you would certainly be chin up.
Surprisingly, I have never said where to stick that one, or respond in any way! But I have noticed instead, I distance myself off, like I am not there.

“Snap out of it”

Only heard this once and a very long time ago, that the memory of this one is vague to the situation.

“There is always someone off worser than you”

Oh, don’t you think I don’t know that?

But all the same, does that mean my feelings don’t count? Are my feelings worth nothing?

For years I kept my mouth shut and, did not say how I felt and it did not get me anywhere. I was silent and broken at times and I felt I did not belong in the world, because my feelings were not validated.
When I could cope more, then counseling begun, because there you are not judged.

“Oh… I have felt sad sometimes.”

OMG and eyes rolling when I got this one. My eyes were literally rolling as this was said once when I first talked about my depression and taking meds. At first, I thought she understood, but when a comment came out afterwards she said that, it clearly wasn’t the case. I even asked a question to be sure. I can’t remember my exact words now, but I clearly put this person in their place and corrected the different between sad and depression. This was the same person who was ignorant about my deafness, only a few years before.

“But that’s in the past.”

Seeing my dog get beaten, doesn’t make it go away, like it never happened, or the fear of my dad that I remember.

Being raped doesn’t make how it affects me go away!

“Think positive.”

So you think I don’t? I am doing well trying to be positive and some days are really hard to be positive, that I am tired being positive. I think I can have a day off, or two from being positive.

What comments have you received, that you found not helpful?

 

Related post:

Do you want to read up on further unhelpful comments. I found this page below, which will take you to The Mighty.

https://themighty.com/2018/08/what-not-to-say-support-mental-illness/

 

 

© Elizabeth Fisher and My Wellbeing and Learning Journey.

Unauthorised use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to My Wellbeing and Learning Journey with appropriate and specific direction to the original content. (But Guest Posts that feature on my blog are not allowed at all to be duplicated, as that is their copyright.)

5th June 2019, Trial #1 – “Working on Us” Mental Health Prompts

Beckie, over at Beckie’s Mental Mess, is starting on a new prompt series called, Working on Us.

For today’s prompts, there are two prompts which you can either just do one, or both. For details of these prompts and how to play along, please do see todays post at: https://beckiesmentalmess.blog/2019/06/05/june-5-2019-trial-1-working-on-us-mental-health-prompts/

I have decided to do just one of these prompts and so I have chosen prompt #1 – Question:

When you first found out that you had a mental illness/disorder. Explain how this new revelation regarding your health affected you?

My mental health is depression and anxiety.
Depression has been the main symptom, because anxiety came second. But anxiety over the years has proved to be an issue at times, as my depression.

I wouldn’t say it has been a new revelation for me, because I always knew it was there, or not quite right. I just never did anything about it, because as I did as a teenager, I just soildered on and as a teenager, I wouldn’t have been aware about how my own mental health was in general then, even though I seen the trials of my mum’s mental health.
I was a person who got my head down, hoping to get through each difficult day. My long standing readers will know about my childhood difficulties. But for those that are new, then click on childhood in the tags section of my blog, because explaining it here would make it a very long post.

Fast forward after divorce, my mental health went down more and I felt I wasn’t coping. I referred myself to counseling, for the rape and about that relationship in general, which mum supported me on, by coming down on the bus with me and waiting in the waiting area, while I had my counseling. The counseling helped for that time then.

Another moment in time later, which then I was in a relationship. (The relationship that never went anywhere and what turned out to be a shocking later, that I discovered by accident some years later after having nothing to do with him.) During some point in those first two years I think it was now, one night, in my own bed, which I was on my own, I had a flashback of the time I was raped in my first relationship. It felt so real. When I woken up, I found myself in the same position, so god knows if I had been crying out in my dreams. It was real enough in my dreams, but to wake up and find myself like that, made it more sickening. I was hugely triggered and traumatised all over again.
Further counseling at a rape crisis centre, with the support then of the boyfriend I was with. This counseling went into areas of conversation that was not covered in my counseling elsewhere I had the first time round on this area of my life. I can’t remember if I was on medication then. I don’t think I was. But the counseling really helped, for that time.

Then in another area of my life, (before the above flashback) while still in this relationship, had issues with neighbours, while in a council property. The stress of it all brought me to a new time low. I lost a lot of weight with it. At this point, I was on antidepressants and I was scared to take them I remember. But the doctor reassured me of my concerns. My then boyfriend, supported me in that appointment, in case there were things that needed repeating later, with things being a blur and numb. I wasn’t long in getting a private property and this is how I ended up in private properties ever since. I can’t remember how long I was on antidepressants, as some of that time is now a blur.

The last time I was on antidepressants, were at a time I blogged about here. That was when my old workplace broke me that much, that I could take no more. I was depressed and I was having lots of panic attacks. God knows how I still managed to keep going to work. I was that messed up, I really shouldn’t have been there. But I kept doing my shifts and doing what I automatically seem to do as a child.
I also had counseling, which towards the end delved in my childhood. I was having triggers when going into this area and because NHS counseling only lasts so long and because of the nature from childhood, it had to be treaded carefully. This counsellor said because if what I seen as a child and the other things in regards with what dad was like, that I likely to have PTSD. To hear this being said to me shocked me, even though it made sense.

I was on antidepressants longer than the doctor would have liked. This was because I did not want to start weaning off then when I was having driving lessons. Then when I did not do anymore, because I couldn’t deal with it any further, plus I had a double-death in the family; my cousin and her husband.
Then, as you know, followed by discovering the true horrors of the ex-boyfriend and finding out what he truly was by accident in a Google search not related to him, there was no way I could think of reducing my antidepressants. So antidepressants were reduced some months later, even though it was still a difficult time.

Present day, I can still feel lows at times. But I am feeling particularly low since my first day in new job. But I remain medication free, since I last came off them, as mentioned above.

I take each day as it comes. With the now stresses I have had since living here, that you know about and being more of a carer for my mum than I ever been, lists are becoming more my friend, because since February, I am finding myself more forgetful then ever before. I have used a diary for years, but a list is in addition to my diary.
If I have a lot to think about in a day, then a list is created and placed on my coffee table. I will also take the list with me, if required.

I hope this post gives an idea, as it has been very hard to write this one. Not because of the topic, as this is now easy with the counseling and support I have had over the years. It’s just a bit grey in areas, as I forget things and I found just writing this post, in how best to get my words down. So feeling brain tired, is probably the best way to put it.

Thank you for reading, if you got to the end of this post.